Chapter Eleven
Rejection
Buffy pulled up the long sweeping gravel driveway and parked in the visitors’ lot. She took nothing in as she marched into the building and found reception. It really was like a hotel.
“Good afternoon, how may I help you?”
Buffy glanced at her watch - ten after twelve already? Where had the time gone?
“I’m here to see Mr. Spike Williams. I’m his…girlfriend, Buffy Summers. I’ve been out of the country and need to see him so please don’t tell me it’s not visiting hours,” said Buffy, forcing herself to sound calm.
“We don’t have set visiting times here, Miss Summers. If you take a seat I’ll get Ms. Stephenson, the manager, to come see you and then she’ll take you to Mr. Williams.”
Buffy wanted to scream that she just needed to get to Spike but bit it down and sat as indicated. The tapping of her foot was the only outward sign of her impatience.
“Miss Summers? I’m Moira Stephenson,” said Moira, extending her hand, “Mr. Angel called and told us you were going to visit. Please step into my office for a moment.”
“I’d rather just go to see Spike.”
“And you will, but first let me talk with you, please. My assistant told me that you were out of the country when Mr. Williams had his accident and I think that you need to be fully appraised of his situation before you see him.”
Buffy knew when she was defeated. She shook the offered hand. “Call me Buffy.”
The women walked into Moira’s office. It had oak panelled walls, a large desk and a couple of easy chairs near the fireplace. It was those that they sat in.
“Would you care for a drink? Coffee perhaps?”
“No, no thank you. I don’t mean to be rude but I’m very anxious about seeing Spike as soon as I can. The doctors at St. David’s told me that he’d been paralysed. What more can you tell me? He’s only been here a matter of hours.”
“The main reason that he was transferred here so soon after his operation was because of his state of mind. As you can imagine, paralysis is a difficult thing to come to terms with for anyone and some cope better than others. I’m afraid that Mr. Williams isn’t coping very well at all. He’s getting more withdrawn and St. David’s told me that he had pushed away the friend who sat with him throughout his month long coma. It was felt that the sooner that he was out of the usual hospital environment and in our more personal, informal facility the better it would be for him. At present he will be confined to his bed for the remainder of the week due to the surgery and then we can really start his therapy. Getting him into a wheelchair and moving out and about independently will be a big boost to his well being.”
Buffy just couldn’t get the picture out of her mind of Spike confined to a wheelchair. God, she loved the way he moved, that cocky swagger of his, his feline grace in a fight.
“Oh God.” She buried her head into her hands and sobbed.
Moira leaned over and put a hand on Buffy’s arm. “I know this is an awful shock for you but if you are to see Mr. Williams I really need you to be strong for him.”
Buffy glanced up at the woman who held out a tissue for her to dry her eyes with.
“Thank you,” mumbled Buffy, “It’s just…I can’t imagine…he’ll hate it.”
“You need to let him know that you love him no matter what.”
“I do. I missed him so much since he d…er…since I went to Italy.” Buffy corrected herself just in time. “Can I see him now please?”
“If you’ll wait here for a moment I’ll just go and check that he’s not resting and is ready for visitors.”
“But…”
Moira silenced her with a stern look, “I won’t be long.”
The tall woman strode out of the office and after a brief hesitation Buffy got up and followed her, carefully making sure that the woman was unaware of it. Her Slayer skills at tracking demons was coming in handy.
Moira could hear raised voices as she approached Spike’s room.
“I don’t want any soddin’ lunch,” yelled Spike.
“How about something light? An omelette perhaps?” replied the nurse, completely unfazed by his show of temper.
“Are you even listening to me at all? I’m not hungry so just piss off and leave me alone.”
“There is no need to use language like that, Mr. Williams,” said Moira firmly as she walked in, “Carol is simply doing her job and doesn’t deserve to be shouted at.”
Spike took a deep breath in an effort to calm down. “Yeah, I’m sorry, but when I say that I don’t want anything to eat I mean it. I’m not a kid that doesn’t know his own mind.”
“No, you’re a man who is going through an extremely traumatic time. I know that. If you don’t want any lunch that’s fine, but if you don’t eat at least a little dinner I’m afraid we’ll have to have our doctor put you back on a drip. You need nourishment of some sort, Mr. Williams.”
“I just want to be left alone,” said Spike, who was still smarting from having had to call for help to use the bed pan, “Please.”
He glanced at the doorway, catching a movement out of the corner of his eye.
“Buffy?” He stared at her in horror.
Moira whipped around, “I asked you to wait in my office.”
“I’m sorry but I just need to see him. I couldn’t wait.”
“Waited nearly a year, didn’t you, and now you pop up. This has got Peaches written all over it,” snarled Spike.
Buffy went to his bed and took hold of his hand. He pulled it away.
“I came as soon as I knew that you were…that you’d gotten back from Sunnydale,” said Buffy, mindful of the two pairs of ears listening. “God, Spike, I’ve missed you so much.” She reached out to stroke his cheek. He batted her hand away.
“Don’t touch me. Just get out. I don’t want to see you. You didn’t come when Andrew told you I was back and I don’t need your guilt, sympathy or fucking pity.” His voice rose to a scream. “Go away!”
“Miss Summers.” Moira touched her arm. “I think that perhaps we’d better leave Mr. Williams to calm down a little.”
Buffy stared at Spike, “But Andrew…”
“Get out,” roared Spike, but he’d never once had the courage to meet her eyes.
Moira increased the pressure on Buffy’s arm and she glanced up at the manager before slowly walking to the door. She paused before stepping through it.
“I meant what I said, you know. I really did.”
Spike kept looking anywhere except at her. “Please leave.”
The words cut deep into Buffy’s heart, all the more for them being so quietly spoken. Without saying anything more, she walked back to Moira’s office with her. Carol followed them out, closing the door behind her.
Spike grabbed the glass that stood on the bedside table and hurled it at the wall, gaining some satisfaction as it smashed into tiny pieces. Then he buried his head in his hands and wept like a baby.
00000000
Moira was furious. The woman marched so quickly back to the office that Buffy had to jog a little to keep up. She threw the door open and closed it with a bang once Buffy had stepped inside.
“That was exactly the reason why I wanted to talk to Mr. Williams about you first. How dare you just walk in like that? His feelings are the important ones right now, not your own,” she snapped.
Buffy looked at her in stunned silence.
“You will have set him back weeks.” Moira continued. “A positive mental attitude is essential following such an injury. It can make an unbelievable difference to the patient.”
Moira took a deep breath and stopped her tirade when she saw the tears falling down Buffy’s cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” whispered Buffy, “Oh, I can never get things right with Spike.”
“Would you like that coffee now?” asked Moira, “I think we need to have a chat, don’t you?”
“Thank you,” said Buffy, “I didn’t mean to make things worse. I just needed to see him so badly.”
“Can you please explain to me why you described yourself as his girlfriend and yet Mr. Williams said he’d hadn’t seen you for almost a year? If you are here purely out of guilt then you will do more harm than good.”
“It’s complicated,” said Buffy.
“I’ve got plenty of time so try telling me. It might even help,” replied Moira.
“Okay,” said Buffy slowly, “Spike and I had a relationship that ended almost a year ago when he was …er…reported missing, feared dead from an…er…expedition he was on.” Buffy tried to think of a reasonable explanation. “I moved away when I gave up hope of him being alive. Until I had a call a couple of days ago I’d thought that he was dead. But apparently he’d been found alive and for reasons known only to himself, he never got back in touch with me. His…er…colleague, Angel, called me because he thought that I might be able to help him come to terms with it. But I’ve just made things worse.”
Moira regretted her harsh words as Buffy obviously cared deeply for Mr. Williams.
“He’s just lashing out at everyone, Buffy, not at you in particular. It’s a common reaction. I have to admit that I am worried about him though.”
“So what can I do? He doesn’t want to see me, but I can’t just walk away from him,” replied Buffy, cringing at her choice of words.
“We’ll work something out,” soothed Moira.
00000000
The door to Spike’s room opened. He didn’t look at who was walking in, and he just prayed that it wasn’t Buffy again.
“Hi Spike, how are you settling in?” said a cheery voice.
“You have got to be kidding,” groaned Spike. Could this day get any worse?
“Why do you always say that when I come to visit you?” said Brad, the physiotherapist, with a grin, “I’ll start thinking that you don’t like me.”
Spike rolled his eyes, “I thought you worked at St. David’s?”
“I do, but I work here most of the time,” replied Brad, “I told you that I’d be working with you after the op.”
“Must have forgot,” said Spike grumpily.
Brad sat in the chair near to Spike’s bed.
“So how are things since the op then?”
“Didn’t the doctors tell you?” asked Spike.
“Well…yeah,” said Brad, “but I was hoping to hear your side of the story.”
Spike shrugged and avoided meeting Brad’s eye. Seeing the young man again just seemed to emphasis what he’d lost.
“Come on, Spike, just talk to me, okay? Where’s the harm in that?”
“Why is everybody always telling me what I should do?” said Spike, his voice full of resentment. “It’s like what I want doesn’t matter anymore. It’s my soddin’ legs that don’t work, not my brain.”
Brad watched the bedridden man as he spoke, his body language said even more about his mental state than his bitter words did. It wasn’t unusual for them to rage at the world that had inflicted this on them but unlike the other patients that Brad had worked with, Spike didn’t seem to have anyone there to support him. It was a tough thing to have to go through alone.
“Yes, it must be frustrating for you when we’re all telling you that we know best but the thing is, Spike, at this point we really do,” said Brad.
Spike glared at him. “Just sod off and leave me alone.”
“Sorry Spike, no can do. I’m here to help you and that’s what I intend to do. If you won’t cooperate then that’s fine, things will just take longer. Let’s face it, if I start to work on your legs there’s not much you can do about it, is there?” goaded Brad, correctly assessing that it would have more effect than sympathy.
“Christ, that was low, throwing that in my face,” snarled Spike.
“True though, isn’t it? So you’re just going to sit here alone and not even try to get any better? The operation went really well, so the surgeon told me, and you’ve given up even before we’ve started any therapy.”
Spike sat up straight and then leaned forwards a little, supporting himself with his left arm and pointing at Brad with his right hand. “That’s easy for you to say,” he snapped, “So now I know when I need the bleeding bathroom and I can just about wriggle my toes. How is that any better that it was, really? I still can’t go on my own and have some bloody privacy about it and my legs feel like they’re on fire no matter what medication I’m on. Can’t say a future of that holds much appeal.”
“Okay, so let’s take it one step at a time,” said Brad calmly, “First thing we need to do is get it so you can go to the bathroom alone, right? That’s not going to be too difficult to achieve. You look like you’ve got good upper body strength. A bit of work on the arm that you broke and we’ll have you in a wheelchair in no time.”
Spike visibly recoiled. Being in a wheelchair years ago, dependant on Angelus and Drusilla for his food, didn’t conjure up the image of independence that Brad was trying to paint. Brad didn’t miss the reaction.
“Look, I know the thought of being in a chair isn’t something that you care for but trust me, it’s better than being stuck in this bed, staring at these four walls and having to buzz for help every time that you need the bathroom, or a drink, or if you drop the TV remote,” said Brad, “You can’t do this alone, Spike, you need a friend…”
“So that’s what this is all about?” yelled Spike, cutting him off, “I’m not bloody seeing her, not now, not ever, okay? I don’t want her soddin’ pity.”
Brad looked puzzled, “Who are you talking about? I was just going to say that I could be a friend as well as your physio.”
“Oh,” said Spike quietly, not meeting his eye.
“So who were you talking about?”
“Nobody. It doesn’t matter. Just forget it.”
“C’mon Spike, I meant it when I said I can be a friend if you’ll let me. It might help to tell me, you know.”
Spike’s emotions were in turmoil. The sight of Buffy had almost made his heart cease to beat once more. He’d thought her effect on him would have faded over time, but one glance at her face and he knew he hadn’t moved on at all - that it was still and always would be all about Buffy. All he wanted was for her to hold him and to be able to breathe in her sweet scent but her turning up now, only after Angel had played the ‘pity’ card, wasn’t what he wanted. He couldn’t bear it.
“She’s the girl of my dreams, is all,” said Spike quietly. He glanced at Brad who was listening intently. “We were sort of together for a bit then I…um…was listed as missing and well, by the time I’d come back she’d moved to Italy and moved on. I haven’t seen or heard from her since, even though one of her friends knew I was back and okay. I’m not sure why she’s turned up here, apart from guilt or sympathy or both. I don’t need that, Brad. I couldn’t take the look in her eyes, so please don’t try to make me see her, all right?” I just…” his voice faltered a little, “can’t.”
“I understand, Spike. No one needs that,” said Brad, standing up, “So can we start work on this arm of yours now?”
“Um…okay,” said Spike reluctantly.
tbc
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