“What do you mean?” William gave her a confused look, not understanding why Buffy would suddenly change the subject and bring up the history project. Sure, he had wondered why the teacher had decided to make them work together, but he didn’t see what that had to do with anything. “You said you wanted to work alone, but Mrs. French…”
“No.” Interrupting him, Buffy looked down at her feet, clearly uncomfortable. “I said I told Mrs. French I wanted to work alone. The truth is, no one wanted to work with me and I was too ashamed to tell her.” She closed her eyes, still remembering how humiliated she had felt in the classroom. Although she had Willow and Xander, she didn’t think she would ever get used to being treated like a loser by the rest of the students in school.
“Oh.” William was shocked, to say the least, by her confession. To him, Buffy was one of the most amazing girls he had ever met and he found it hard to believe that the rest of the world wouldn’t see it as well. “I’m sorry, I…” He stopped, realizing that he had no idea what to tell her. The old cliché ‘I know how you feel’ might be true, possibly even more so than he wanted to admit, but he really didn’t think it would make her feel any better. He wanted to take her in his arms and comfort her, but he wasn’t sure of how she would react to that. The last thing he wanted was to scare her away now.
“It’s okay.” Buffy finally looked at him. “I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, that’s not why I told you. I just…” She hesitated before finishing with a shrug; ”…wanted you to know.”
Finally he understood why she had told him about this. He didn’t have to tell Buffy that he knew how she felt. By telling him, Buffy had wanted him to know that she knew how he felt. She had wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone, that she knew all too well how it felt like to be a victim to the bullies in school, being one herself, only in a different way. And suddenly he realized that there was nothing to be ashamed of, for either of them. Because none of them had done anything wrong. He swallowed. “Thanks. For telling me, I mean.”
Buffy managed a small smile. “You know, I meant what I said before. There’s no one in the whole school I’d rather work with. I’m actually glad things worked out the way they did.”
Before William had even realized what he was doing, he had taken her hand and squeezed it gently. “Me too.”
Her face was a mixture of surprise and happiness. “Really?”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “I’m really glad you came here, Buffy. I’m glad we’re friends.”
“Friends?” Buffy suddenly felt like someone had just punched her in the stomach. Forcing herself to smile, although it came out more than a little strained, she nodded again. “Sure, I feel the same way.” Nothing could be farther away from the truth, of course, and she knew it. But if the only thing William wanted from her was friendship, she would just have to learn to accept it. Even if it would kill her inside. Suddenly she just felt like crying.
William didn’t miss the brief look of disappointment on Buffy’s face when he had said the word ‘friends’, even though she was quick to cover up. He had said it deliberately, not daring to hope she would return his feelings, but at the same time wanting to see how she would react. And he hadn’t been disappointed. Could it really be true, that she wanted them to be more than just friends? A part of him still didn’t dare to believe so, but still, that look on her face… For the shortest of moments, Buffy had almost looked crushed.
Now he didn’t know what to do next. Should he tell her how he really felt about her? What if he was wrong? Maybe she didn’t like him that way after all. Suddenly he recalled how he had poured his heart out to Cecily at the party all those weeks ago, the first time he had met Buffy. He could still hear Cecily’s hurtful words when she had rejected him, and didn’t think he could go through the same thing all over again. Of course, Buffy wasn’t Cecily, of that he was fully aware. There was no way Buffy would laugh at him, but still, he was too afraid of another rejection.
But if he was right about her feelings for him and didn’t say anything, they would both be miserable. He really didn’t like the idea of that. Sighing, he finally made a decision. “Buffy…” He took a deep breath, almost losing his courage when she looked at him, a questioning look on her face. “Actually, I…”
“William? Could you come down here for a moment?”
He stopped at the sound of his mother’s voice, calling him from downstairs, and let out a frustrated sigh. Glancing at Buffy, he gave her an apologetic look. “I’m sorry; better go see what she wants. I’ll be right back.”
Buffy nodded. “Sure. I’ll wait right here.” He opened his mouth, as if he was going to say something more, but obviously decided against it and left the room. Buffy was both disappointed and a little grateful for the interruption. She had no idea what William had been about to tell her, but she thought he had looked a little nervous. Suddenly, a horrifying thought occurred to her. What if he had somehow found out how she really felt about him and was trying to find a way to let her down as gently as possible? Her face paled a little. God, what if he had just been about to reject her when his mother called?
Suddenly, Buffy got the urge to leave before William would get back, to run as far away as possible. Of course, running wouldn’t change the fact that she would have to talk to William again sooner or later. Maybe she could convince him that he was wrong, that she didn’t have any feelings for him after all. She supposed she could live with the fact that there would never be anything but friendship between them, although it would probably hurt for a long time. But she was terrified that her true feelings would scare William away. She would learn to live with them being just friends if she had to, but the thought of him not wanting to be around her at all almost broke her heart.
TBC