Oxford, England 2008
Buffy slowly tugged on a pair of jeans and an oversized sweatshirt. Her stomach churned. She didn’t know exactly what was bothering Will, but it was clear enough that he was seriously upset and that she was at fault.
She pulled out the elastics holding her pigtails in place and gave her scalp a quick rub. Her hair was probably a mess, but her brush was in the bathroom. When she could think of no other way to reasonably delay talking with Will, she slipped on her flip flops and joined him in the living room.
He was sitting on the edge of the couch with his back bent forward so far that his head dipped between his knees. His hands were fisted against the back of his neck, so that his elbows hid his face from her view. She walked towards him cautiously.
“Will?”
Sunnydale, California 1992
Buffy watched William with a small frown. He hadn’t said hello or good morning or anything. He always said good morning when she came in. Instead, he was walking about the classroom, clearly distressed but equally focused. She watched as he approached a group of children. She couldn’t hear what he said to them, but she could tell that he didn’t like whatever they said back. She watched as he walked away and knew that he was crying.
Buffy ran over to the kids that William had been talking to. Putting her hands on her hips, she glared at them. “Why are you being mean to Will?”
One of the boys, Tommy, frowned and shook his head. “We weren’t.”
“Were too!”
“You’re lying. We didn’t do nothing to his dumb book.”
With a little groan of frustration, Buffy stomped her foot and huffed as she turned away. She hurried over to William, who now stood by the window.
“Will? Did they take your book?”
He shrugged and continued to look out the window. “I think so. I just put it on the table so I could hang up my coat, but now it’s not there.” He sniffled.
Buffy grabbed his arm. “Let’s ask Miss Rose.”
“I already did. She said that I probably just forgot where I put it.” He turned to her quickly. “But I didn’t, Buffy. I didn’t and…and they were all laughing.”
She turned towards the other kids and scowled. “They’re just dumb.” She wanted to go punch Tommy in the nose. No one was supposed to be mean to William.
Oxford, England 2008
Buffy said his name again as she sat down beside him on the couch. “Will? What’s wrong?” He didn’t answer, she wasn’t even really sure that he could hear her. He looked like he was lost, like he wasn’t there, and instead was stuck somewhere else. In his own head, she supposed, and she tried to remember if she’d ever seen him so upset before. She moved to sit on the coffee table across from him and reached out to gently tug his hands into hers.
“William. I need to know what’s going on.”
He looked up slowly as he let her guide his hands to rest on his knees. His eyes were lined in red and she knew that he’d been crying. His voice was hoarse when he spoke.
“I have to show you something.”
She nodded and smiled encouragingly. Buffy pushed aside her own fears and concerns. As he always had before, William drew her in. She wanted to protect him. Sure, he was the older one, but she had always been the protector. William had always been…delicate. The other kids had teased and she had stepped in. Seeing him upset was like a switch being flipped; Buffy switched modes. She focused.
“Okay, Will. Show me.”
She was speaking to him gently, as though she was afraid he’d break if she rushed him or spoke a hard word. William wondered if he would. He wondered if this was it. Buffy had never treated him like a freak. No matter how odd she might have found his ways, she had always accepted them. Sure, she’d teased, but no more than he had. She’d never acted like he was really different, at least not in a bad way. He wasn’t sure he could survive her looking at him that way now. He moved one hand out from under hers and opened a drawer in the side table. With one last calming breath, William pulled out the ring box.
Buffy frowned as he opened the small box between them. Her heart started pounding in her chest and she could hear her own blood rushing in her ears.
“Will. Will, I don’t understand. Were you going to marry Dru? Is that what’s wrong?”
His eyes widened at her misunderstanding and he shook his head. “Wasn’t for Dru, pet.”
Buffy stood up quickly, shaking her head. There were too many words in her head for her to make out clear thoughts. “I…I don’t understand.” She began pacing nervously about the room.
“It was my grandmother’s ring. My…my mum gave it to me a few years back. I had it sized for you.”
Her head shot up. “Because we slept together? Will, we don’t…”
“No, Buffy.” He stood up and took a step towards her. He stopped when she only moved further away. “I had the ring sized as soon as I got it. It was always for you.”
“But Will, that’s…”
“I want you to marry me.”
She froze; her hand came up to cover her mouth as she stared at him.
“You…you used to want that too, you said it. You said that you would marry me.”
He looked away. It was there now, the look that he’d never wanted to see. He had his answer; she finally thought that he was a freak. When she was five, he’d reorganized her toys by category and alphabetically by name, and she had simply giggled and thanked him. “That is better,” she’d said. When he was eight and obsessed with the color blue, she had worn a blue dress every time he came over. No matter what any of her other friends had said, Buffy had always chosen him. She had made him feel like he was okay. She’d made him feel like he was special. She was the best thing about him. And now he’d lost her.
“We were kids. It was a game.” The words were directed towards herself as much as towards him.
“Not to me.”
“Oh my God, Will. I don’t…” Her mind didn’t know where to start. William wanted to marry her. It was insane. He was her best friend. Suddenly, she felt like she didn’t know him at all. Had he really always thought that they’d get married? “What about Dru?”
He understood the question. If he’d always wanted her, why had he been with someone else? He sighed. “Dru was…a patch. A band-aid on the wound. Nothing compared to you. Last year, I came home so that…I thought you’d want me there…for the prom. I…I thought you were my girl. But you told Willow…” He trailed off. He’d already said too much. She looked shocked, horrified even.
“I told Willow…that I wanted to go with someone else?” She tried to remember the conversation. Nothing came to mind. It had been inconsequential, just a couple of girls chatting. Whoever she had wanted to go with hadn’t been more than a passing interest.
William could barely even whisper the words that had haunted him ever since that day. “You…you said that I was like your brother.”
She could see the hurt in him. Even in the midst of all that was happening, even in the midst of her own confusion and pain, Buffy’s first instinct was to try and comfort him. She wanted to hold him and tell him that it was okay and that she was sorry, but she couldn’t. She never lied to Will and everything was definitely not okay. She didn’t think it could ever be okay again. She’d slept with him. He’d said that he would teach her, that they’d still be friends.
“So, so you tricked me?”
All the blood drained from his face. “What? No…I never meant…”
“You lied to me.” She said it with more shock than accusation. William had been her pillar for as long as she could remember. It was almost inconceivable to her that he had wronged her.
She felt like a fool, like a stupid little girl. William had always been the smart one. He was a fucking genius after all. But he’d never made her feel stupid. He’d always made her feel like his equal, but he’d tricked her. He’d played her. He’d used her innocence, her inexperience, and he’d convinced her that it was okay to do something that she knew was wrong.
He stalked towards her, shaking his head. “I didn’t. I never said that I didn’t love you. I never said that I didn’t want you. I told you…so many times…I told you how precious…I tried to show you what you mean to me…but—”
“Don’t William. Don’t play with words. You said that we were friends, that what we did, we did as friends. I’d have never…” She trailed off. She could feel the bile rising in her throat. She was losing her best friend. She felt as if she’d been blind her whole life. How could she not have seen it?
“You’d have never what, Buffy? You’d have never slept with me if you thought I might care. I’m an acceptable fuck but anything more is out of the question. Is that it?”
She couldn’t answer. It was nauseating, but as pissed as she was with him, she still felt like comforting him. She wouldn’t.
William couldn’t see through the red haze of his anger and pain. He’d known that she’d be shocked, of course he’d known, but he’d held on to his hope. They were perfect together. He knew without a doubt that she wanted him; the way she’d responded to him physically couldn’t be faked. In his fantasies, the ones he could barely even admit to himself, she’d been thrilled to learn of his devotion. In his dreams she’d ran into his arms and thanked him for never forgetting their love. He’d imagined her smiling and laughing while telling him that of course she loved him too. Buffy had just shattered all of his dreams. She was looking at him like it disgusted her to have ever touched him. She was looking at him like he was a stranger. He knew that no vows of everlasting love would be forthcoming. The hurt was too much, he lashed out blindly.
“Were you that hard up, pet? Had to fuck me? So sorry I don’t measure up to your standards. Oh, wait that’s right, you were plannin’ to prowl like a cat in heat for some poor bloke, weren’t you? ”
“I can’t….” Buffy shook her head almost violently. “I can’t do this right now. I’m…I’m sorry. This is…” She turned and fled the apartment.
She ran down the stairs and was half-way down the block before she realized that she didn’t know where to go. She’d left her purse in the apartment and she couldn’t go back. The only people she knew were William’s friends, so she just walked.
She couldn’t get his words, the despair on his face, out of her head. They hurt, but worse were the recriminations shouted out in her own inner voice, because she knew. Not everything, she had certainly not thought that William was planning their wedding, but she had sensed that there was something. From the beginning she had known that adding sex to the friendship was too easy, that there were words that should have been said and others that shouldn’t. She knew that she couldn’t put all the blame on William. She had felt loved, if she had ever stopped to think about it, she would have noticed that she felt loved. But she had always felt loved by William; he was her best friend. He was more than that. She didn’t have a name for it; she didn’t have words to explain what he meant to her. She couldn’t believe that he’d lied.
The guilt ate a hole in her stomach, while the shock of William’s betrayal broke her heart.
Buffy was only a little surprised to find herself on campus an hour later. She sat on a bench and hugged her legs to her chest. She had to think. What was she supposed to do?
Oxford, England 2008
William regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth. He’d told her that he never wanted her to feel like she was dirty; he’d said that he wanted to make her experiences beautiful, but he’d just called her a whore. As angry as he was, he knew that was unfair. Buffy had only played the game he’d set up. It wasn’t her fault that he didn’t like the rules.
He didn’t get a chance to apologize. He watched, unsurprised, as she ran away before he dropped to the couch to weep in a way he hadn’t since his father died.
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Banner by Alissa.Author's Chapter Notes:
Immense thanks goes to DampersnSpoons for all of her help. Clearly all mistakes and missed opportunities are my own.
I know that this is a painful chapter and I'll admit right now that the next little bit will be tough. These two are perfect for each other, but that have made a total mess of it.
I know that this is a painful chapter and I'll admit right now that the next little bit will be tough. These two are perfect for each other, but that have made a total mess of it.
Chapter End Notes:
Thoughts? Do folks even want to see this one completed?