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Author's Chapter Notes:
This is where I get to have fun making up bits of Angel's life. Liam included.
Reliving

Angel's guide led him further into the cavern and into a large room. This chamber was nothing like the path that led to it. Here the walls were flat and pure white. The floors were an odd lavender marble, accented by rainbow of pastel, gold-lined rugs strewn around. The room had an immediate calming effect on the dark Vampire.

The golden haired woman faced Angel once again, taking in his reaction to the room. His face had eased, and his manner was more relaxed.

"What is this room for?" he asked while eyeing the Spartan room.

"This," she began while spreading her arms and spinning slowly, "is where we will determine your progress. In here you will not just remember the past, but feel it, smell it, know it." The clone of Buffy walked over to the rugs and began piling them off to the side. What was revealed surprised Angel. There, in the center of the floor, was a mirror.

"You look a bit shocked."

"You really must not get many Vampires here." Angel's heart sunk a bit. He could never pass this test, not if it involved mirrors.

The woman realized Angel's meaning. "This mirror is nothing like you have seen. You will never see your outer reflection...this is the mirror into your soul. As long as you look directly into the mirror, you will be able to see all and anything your soul has seen." She finished and took his hand into hers while leading him to the silvery reflection in the center of the room.

He did not look into the mirror. Instead he looked at her. "What you are about to experience can sometimes be uncomfortable. Once you begin, there is no stopping. Do you understand?" Angel nodded. "This will also help you to move closer to your destination. You will relive much of your past, and see it as your soul saw it. Do you understand?"

Angel paused. He understood, but in that understanding came fear. His human self had a soul, and was violent. The same soul that was pushed aside felt and saw Angelus for over a century.

Then there was the souled Vampire, who felt the pain of that century, and the century he had wasted, every moment of every day. Finally, he nodded.

"Good. You may want to remove the jacket; your movement could be impeded." He quickly shed his leather wrap and handed it to the woman. "Before you look into the mirror, I want to let you know that not just your grand-childe's Vampiric life had a plan. I know you know this much with your mission, but there are plans beyond."

With that last statement said, she directed him to look down.

Angel took a step forward so that he was standing at the edge of the rectangular glass. At first, all he saw was the ceiling reflecting back.

A darkness began to fill the mirror, then shapes began to form. Soon colors, tan, white, black, flesh, all could be picked out. When it all came into focus he was looking directly into his eyes. The eyes of a young man no more than 14, the beginnings of facial hair not cleanly shaven, a white shirt, with a touch of ruffle. Brown short pants and white stockings.

Angel felt himself falling into the mirror. He knew he would crush it, and tried to stop his descent, but was unsuccessful. When he regained his balance and opened his eyes, he found himself in his home...his childhood home.

"Liam!" He heard his name being called. The room was his, his bed and dresser were as he remembered. His oil lamp was sitting on the small desk used for schoolwork. The floor was covered by a rug, worn from use. "Liam!" rang through the house once more. His father, he vaguely remembered the voice that had died from his memories over 200 years ago. "Liam, boy, where are you?"

His father threw open the door. "Liam, I called you. When I do that you are to come." His father slapped him across the face while shaking the parchment he held in Liam's face.

"Would you explain why you feel no need to follow either my rules or the head master's?"

Angel's memory began to clear. The head master.14 years old...I'm going to be thrown out of school. Angel found that he was unable to control Liam's reactions or words. He felt the laughter of the boy begin to shake his body.

"Father, if the old man wants me out, I'm happy to go. Sums and figures, reading of men dead and gone. There is a whole world out there now, I'd rather see it than read about an old, dead one. The world is opening up, Father. I could travel to China, or Italy, or maybe the Americas." Liam's eyes took on a faraway look that only fueled his father's anger.

"You will not travel, you will study, you will go to University, and you will take over the business after I am satisfied that you can." His father stormed out, on his way to speak with the man running the Havershem Preparatory School and hoped that he would once again be able to keep his belligerent son in school.

Angel's vision shifted, his legs felt like lead and his gut twisted before he found himself on the streets of his hometown. Walking beside him was a light haired young man, about seventeen. Gregory, he remembered, the young man who had been his friend for most of his childhood.

"An' the ladies there are not so shy." Gregory was continuing a conversation that Angel could not recall. Considering the amount of alcohol he could smell on Liam's breath, he was surprised the teenager was upright. "So, Liam, what do you think? We take one more shot at the pub?"

"Aye, we'll have ourselves a pint, and maybe I'll find myself a fair haired beauty as well."

Liam's laughter reverberated throughout the streets as the two stumbled into the pub.

They fell into their seats at a long wooden table shared by many of the patrons. A young woman came up to the men. Liam promptly hauled the woman onto his lap.

"Brunette...never was too picky." He pressed a kiss hard and unwelcome, on the woman's lips while groping at one of her breasts. Gregory finally coaxed his friend into letting the helpless young woman go.

"Liam, this is one of the few pubs you haven't gotten us booted from. Like to keep it that way." The large brunette young man smiled at the woman as she freed herself from him.

"Two pints, miss," Gregory ordered.

Angel had felt the enjoyment Liam had in forcing himself on the woman, but hated it.

Once again he shifted, this time to his home's kitchen. A young house maid, at least seven months pregnant, was busy with her chores.

Liam walked from behind the girl and looped his arms around her waist. "You've been a smart girl. Keeping yourself quiet will earn you a place in this world." A tear fell from the brunette's green eyes.

Angel swore at himself.

This young woman was carrying his child. He had not forced her, she had been willing, but when she realized she was with child, he simply told her that if she breathed a word, he would have her killed...and he convinced her that he could.

Although his father had wanted to ''fire the whore,'' Liam's pleading had convinced him to keep her out of pity. She was told to keep out of sight while in his home, and Liam’s father promised to keep her on for the sake of the bastard child, whom he was sure was his bastard grandchild.

Angel's memories carried him to another night. The night he woke into a new life.

His hands were bloody from digging his way back to earth. When he looked up, she was there. The blonde hair in perfect curls. Her gown was lavish, and ornate. He was confused.

"My boy," Darla sang to him. "My sweet, magnificent boy. My...Angelus." This memory was the clearest and oldest one that Angel had always been able to relive. He was reborn, renamed, reinvented. The first thing to do, erase any of his old life. The two set out on a rampage to be remembered.

First was his family, then those that worked for them. He took an oddly familiar pleasure in killing the house maid who had yet to give birth. Her wails had been the most invigorating. Angel relived the entire week of killing and destruction. It went quickly, but he felt and saw everything. His pain was doubled, and he knew if he had been in his true body, he would have heaved.

He jumped further through time.

Being chased by a Vampire Hunter. Hiding in a barn. He had the odd feeling he was being drawn past these memories to something important. Turning Dru. The complications of making her insane before he finally bit into her flesh. Acquiring William the Bloody. The separation of the little family after Dru decided she wanted to leave London. He slowly passed over the moment he regained a soul. At this moment he did retch into the damp grass that lay below his feet. All of the memories had sickened his soul, and he was finally able to react.

He walked with the shadow of himself. Angel, watching himself, knew the pain his newly souled self felt more than he had at the time. Running back to Darla, being tested by her, and failing. Once again alone.

He wandered Europe for a few years until ultimately obtaining passage to the Americas. Trying to get as far from those screams and the pain Angelus had caused. He renamed himself: Angel.

Now relying on a human world for protection, he tried to make human decisions. First off was a means to pay for things. He had kept a few items from his human life, and stolen others through his Vampire life. He sold two items. One a diamond necklace he had stolen from a woman...one of the last he had fed from, and the other the gold watch his father had given Liam on his sixteenth birthday. With the money he received, he invested in a few small companies and purchased a vehicle. In the early 1920's he began his trek across the unfamiliar land.

The ensouled Vampire traveled in hopes of going as far west as he could. Once, in Indiana, he tried to kill a human...but could not bring himself to even bite. Instead, while traveling across the large young country, he opted to drink from pigs in the night, deciding it was as close to human he could find. One thing the United States had in overwhelming numbers...farms. No matter how industrialized or modern this new mix of cultures claimed to be, they still depended on themselves for most of the food, meat especially.

He made his way to California within a few years, and settled himself into a routine once he found a butcher willing to sell him pig's blood.

Make-shift humanity all came crashing down on him after being hung by a mob. Angel felt his neck snap, but was still able to hear what he could not have at the time. The group all chastising themselves...all but the bellhop. He was still wailing in victory. The halls quieted. He was on the ground once more. He told the demon to take them all.

Angel slowly began to turn into himself. Unable to be around humans, he became alone, unable to live. Unable to even communicate. The years went by in a fog.

A rat...food. Catch it. The hunger pains will ease. He lunged for the rodent, only causing himself to crash into the garbage cans and making an even worse mess of himself.

"God, are you disgusting," a voice from behind noted. Angel looked over to the man, dressed like an overlt conceited pimp. "This is really an unforgettable smell. This is the stench of death you're giving off here. And the look says, uh...Crazy Homeless Guy. It's not good."

Angel relived again the moment he first saw Buffy. Finally getting a purpose in his unlife.

Once again, the next year moved quickly. Working with the Slayer, meeting her friends, although they were never really his friends, just being around people. It was both comforting and stressful. The demon still craved the blood flowing through their veins, but the soul wanted the people, the connection with humanity.

His brief stint as Angelus again, empowered him somehow. Even in killing the teacher,

Angel felt the satisfaction, and the pain. He was watching from two sides once again. Torturing Giles was more difficult. Then he saw something.…something he hadn't paid any attention to before. Spike's small comment had saved the Watcher's life, but Spike had always gone for killing, not thinking.

Then, later, it hit him. Or rather, Spike hit him.

Ultimately, Spike left with Dru, not caring or trying to help the Slayer he had obviously struck a deal up with, but all the same...Spike had wanted to save the world.

Then, his vision was in a new focus again. A souled one. He kissed Buffy, felt what he felt...the passion and love. Wanting to make sure she was ok. Without warning he was impaled by his lover and being sucked into Hell.

Fear came over the Angel watching with no control. He did not want to experience Hell again. This was not something he needed to be reminded of. Hell, he still had nightmares.

Thankfully, whoever was controlling this rollercoaster ride agreed. Instead, he woke on the floor of the mansion and flew through more moments in time. Shared battles with the Slayer and her friends, the final one being the destruction of the high school. Then all shifted once again.

He was mingling at a party. And out of nowhere a lovely brunette caught his attention.
Cordelia. A smile spread across his face.

He was pulled once again to another moment. Doyle jumping to his death and disappearing into nothingness. Cordelia crying, and all he wanted to do was take her pain, comfort her, protect her.

Quickly again, the moment tore by. More battles and Cordy at his side. Wes, then Gunn. His team. His friends. In over 100 years he could not have claimed to have friends, now he was surrounded by them. Gunn's friendship was hard to earn. Understandable since the man was hell-bent to kill all Vampires. With some coaxing, he had added the young man to the group.

Wes slowly integrated into the team with research and the fine tuning of the fighting skills he had been using on and off through his Watcher training, time in Sunnydale, and as a rogue Demon Hunter.

Cordelia was always there. Always doing what she could. She began to hone a business sense. Researching and working with the group. Although not an expert fighter, she did her part. Complaints of having no money soon were replaced with loyalty to a cause.

Angel watched the time roll by. Abruptly he was pulled into a moment. And there she was. Darla. In the sunlight.
I
mpossible.

The memories he was reliving were more painful to watch. He felt himself go a bit mad. Seeking something in the old Angelus. Something he wanted once again. He wanted not to be depended on, always responsible for these people. He felt the anguish inside when his friends looked at him with so much disappointment. He went to Darla regardless, after telling them to leave him alone.

The outcome was nothing like he thought it would be. He was still Angel, but a smarter, better, stronger Angel. His convictions had been renewed.

Angel rejoined his group after hours of discussion, a little shuffling with chain of command. Then, the lie. The lie to Cordelia. She asked him outright if he did sleep with Darla, and he denied the truth. The demon inside smiled. Angel cringed and wished he could change this moment.
His gut ached, and his mind began to swim. He was suddenly in Pylea. Looking into a mirror. His hair, that's what had struck him the first time he had seen himself in almost 250 years. "God, I have weird hair."

Drawn this time, he found himself in a cave with Fred. She was so scared, so alone. Then Cordy, on a throne. A half naked Cordy on a throne. Then a man...Groo. Anger and jealousy filled Angel. Then he began moving into a battle with the man who was supposed to take the visions from Cordy, oh yeah, while having sex with her. Angel's attacks become animalistic while his demon pushes to the surface.

Once again he shifted to another occasion . This time to the hotel lobby. Sitting before him is one extremely pregnant Darla. Across the room with pain and anger etched on her face, stood Cordelia. Once again time pushed forward, and he was holding his son in the pouring rain. Holtz points his weapon towards the newborn and his father. Holtz passes them, and lets them leave.

Angel once again changed time, and was now running from the different entities planning to take his son. Then, he walks into a hospital. "Connor, his name is Connor."

The night of the ballet jumped into view, along with Cordelia's soft inviting skin. Angel's head is spinning with the ghosts controlling their feelings and needs. More of the evening is brushed past and Angel sees Cordelia in front of him. He hands her enough money for a very long vacation. She walks out, after thanking him, with Groo.

Angel looked up to the ceiling only to see himself looking back from above. His equilibrium was lost and he fell into a heap on the floor.

His face was down when he opened his eyes. He took in the lavender marble and realized he was back. Angel shook when a hand was placed on his shoulder. An unfamiliar voice called his name. He began to feel his mind focus on where he was again.

Pushing himself off the floor, he came to a stand, and turned to see a demon wearing a brilliant blue cloak. "Who are you?" Angel scanned the room looking for the guide that resembled Buffy.

The demon, who was unfamiliar to Angel, had blue-grey skin, no hair, and the skin was pulled too tight it seemed. "I have been here from the start. I am the one who brought you here."

Angel's confusion dissipated. She had taken the form of Buffy for his comfort. Now, he knew, he no longer needed Buffy to be his guide.

The demon smiled. He has made the realization. "You have passed."


Chapter End Notes:
Blackoberst, hope you enjoy my take on the past. IT, I really appriciate your input. Pet, glad to see your hanging in there. To everyone else I'm just hoping you are entertained by my twisted tail.



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