“So…” Spike cleared his throat, suddenly finding something at the bottom of his glass very interesting. He wondered if Buffy could tell how nervous he was. A part of him really didn’t want to have this conversation now, if ever. But he had promised.
Buffy waited patiently for him to go on, then, when he didn’t say anything more, decided to take pity on him and asked; “Billy okay?”
Spike raised his head, giving her a grateful look. “Billy’s fine. Was really relieved when I told him he could stay with you. He’ll behave.”
Nodding slowly, Buffy bit her lip thoughtfully, afraid of saying the wrong thing. Still, she was too curious not to ask. “Why doesn’t he wanna see his own mother?”
“Well...” Slumping back on the couch, Spike hesitated for a moment. “It’s complicated,” he finally mumbled, cringing at how lame it came out. It was the understatement of the year. Of course it was complicated. But Buffy had already offered to let Billy stay with her without hesitation. Now, when she asked him about it, he owed it to her to at least try to explain.
“Yeah, I already got that much.” Buffy took a small sip from her glass. “Look, Spike, if you don’t wanna do this...”
Letting out a sigh, Spike raised his hand to stop her. “I already said I’d tell you the whole story, and I will. Just not sure how to begin.”
Putting her glass down on the table, Buffy recalled what Billy had said earlier that day, while burying Princess Leia, and decided to give Spike an opening. “Billy mentioned something about his mom being sick.”
“Yeah, well, that’s one way of putting it.” Spike snorted. Seeing Buffy’s confusion, he clarified; “Let’s just say Drusilla’s not... all there, if you know what I mean.” He frowned. “Never bothered me much, though. Guess they’re really not joking when they say love’s blind.”
Buffy gave him a sad smile. “You loved her.” It wasn’t a question.
“Course I bloody loved her, she was my wife!” She quickly lowered her eyes, startled by his sudden outburst, and Spike gave her an apologetic look. “Sorry. But you have to understand, it wasn’t always bad. When I first met her...” He paused, then started over. “Dru and I first met back in high school. She was my entire world. We got married right after graduation.”
“Wow.” Buffy thought back at the few guys she had dated back in high school. The idea of getting married to one of them had never even crossed her mind. She couldn’t imagine how it would be like to feel so strongly for another person, especially when you were pretty much still just a kid. Then again, since she had never actually been in love herself, she had yet to experience those kind of feelings.
“The first couple of years, everything was perfect,” Spike went on. “Was the best time of my life. Then one night, she told me she was pregnant.” He smiled a little. “I couldn’t believe I was actually going to be a father. That’s all I’ve ever wanted in life, you know. A wife and a kid.” His smile faltered. “But after Billy was born, things started to change. Or, to be more accurate; Dru changed.”
Buffy looked at him with wide eyes, her mind still trying to take in the idea of having a family at the age of eighteen. “In what way?”
“She would say the strangest things, like...” Spike hesitated and picked up his glass, but did no attempt of drinking. He just needed to keep his hands busy. “Doesn’t matter what she said, I s’pose. The point is, she was starting to act really weird, especially around Billy. Would just hand me the baby and take off in the middle of the night without a word, start screaming hysterically for no reason, things like that. Was like, all of the sudden, she couldn’t stand the idea of being a mother. And when I asked her about it...” His voice trailed off as he became lost in his memories.
Finally snapping out of it, he shook his head to clear his thoughts. “The doctors called it ‘postpartum depression’. They said it could be treated, though. Put her on medication, and she got better. Or so I thought.” His eyes darkened. “Turns out she made a good show of pretending. Fooled everyone.” A pause. “Even me.”
“Oh.” Buffy didn’t know what to say.
He went on. “The years went by, and she seemed to be just fine. Was a bit... eccentric, I guess, but on the other hand, that’s just the way she’d always been. We never really talked about what happened. I was just glad it was over, that she was back to normal.”
“But it wasn’t really over, was it?” Buffy gave him a sympathetic look. She had a feeling she wouldn’t like where this was heading.
“No.” Spike sighed. “When he got older, Billy sometimes refused to be alone with her. Said she was mean.” He paused. “Of course, I thought it was just a phase. But then it got worse.”
“Worse? How?” She was almost afraid to ask.
*flashback*
“Please, Dad, don’t go!” Billy was clinging to his father in a desperate attempt of preventing him from leaving.
“Billy, stop it. You know I’ve got to go to work.” Spike let out an annoyed sigh. “Your mum will be here with you, and I’ll be back tonight.”
“I don’t wanna be with Mum.” Billy’s bottom lip was trembling and tears started spilling down his cheeks. “I wanna be with you. Please!”
“I don’t have time for this.” Spike was starting to lose his temper. It had been the same thing almost every morning for the last couple of weeks. “Look, Billy, this has to stop. I need to go to work, and you’re gonna stay at home with your mother. End of discussion.” Billy took a step back, a defeated expression on his face. As Spike closed the door behind him, he could still hear the boy sobbing on the other side.
Buffy was quiet for a moment. “You never wondered why he didn’t wanna be alone with her?”
“Well, yeah.” Spike lowered his eyes, a guilty look on his face. “But I never thought...” He hesitated. “Billy’s always been a stubborn kid, nothing unusual ‘bout that.” A pause. “Guess I didn’t wanna admit, even to myself, that something might actually be wrong.” He glanced at Buffy. She had an unreadable expression on her face, and he wished he knew what she was thinking.
Rolling his eyes, he continued, a sarcastic note in his voice; “Besides, when you’re practically married to your job, you don’t have time to care about what’s going on in your own house.” He raised a brow. “Perfect excuse, right?”
Buffy looked at him for a moment before shaking her head, firmly. “There are no excuses,” she then stated, calmly.
Letting out a bitter laugh, Spike quickly downed what was left in his glass. “Tell me something I don’t know,” he finally whispered.
Opening her mouth to say something, Buffy then closed it again. She remained silent. Suddenly, she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear any more. She had a pretty good idea what was coming, and started to realize that Spike had been right when he told her the story wouldn’t be pretty. Still, she couldn’t back away now. After all, she was the one who had insisted that he would tell her. Clearly, that was a lot harder for him than she had expected. The least she could do now was stay and listen.
She had every intention of letting Spike tell her the story at his own pace. But there was one thing she had to know, and it couldn’t wait. “Just tell me one thing.” Buffy took a deep breath before she went on; “Did she ever hurt him?”
TBC