“Did she ever hurt him?”
Such a simple question, yet he remained silent. More than anything, Spike wished that he had the ability to just turn back time so he could have handled things differently. Unfortunately, such a thing was not possible. Now he closed his eyes, desperately trying to keep the painful memories from playing up in his mind, like so many times before. Of course, he already knew perfectly well that he wouldn’t succeed. He never did.
*flashback*
“Billy? Talk to me, buddy!” He tried to keep the panic out of his voice, but failed. “What happened? Your mum did this to you?”
The boy didn’t answer. Instead he just stared at his father with wide eyes, cradling his injured arm against his chest. Then he casted a fearful look over his shoulder.
“It was an accident!” Drusilla’s face was a mixture of anger and wariness as she watched Spike’s reaction. She turned her demanding eyes towards Billy. “Tell him, darling. Tell your daddy how we were playing, and you fell. It was most unfortunate, but I had nothing to do with it.” Her last words were directed to Spike, and a tear rolled down her cheek.
“Save it, Dru, I wasn’t talking to you.” He glared at his wife for a moment before turning back to his son. “Billy, I want you to tell me the truth. Did your mum do this?” Spike touched his arm, gently, only to pull back when Billy cried out in pain. “Bloody hell, I’m sorry!” He took a deep breath as realization hit him, determined to remain calm. “Billy, get your jacket. We’re going to the hospital.” The boy obeyed without a word.
Billy’s arm had turned out to be broken. That was the night when Spike had first been forced to realize what was really going on in the house when he was not around. At least parts of it; he still wasn’t sure he knew the full story and maybe he never would. That was almost a year ago now, and he had no idea how he would ever be able to forgive himself for not putting the pieces together sooner. Looking back now, he realized what a fool he had been.
For once, he had left work early that day, apparently something Drusilla hadn’t counted on. Because he ran into the other man, just when he was about to leave the house. The man hadn’t spoken, just stared at him with a dumbfounded expression on his face before giving him an apologetic look and a shrug. Then he had quickly left without looking back. Spike still didn’t know the other man’s name, nor did he care.
Although he might have been blind, Spike wasn’t stupid. The moment he had spotted the strange man on his back porch, he knew exactly why he was there. Later, he would remember something Billy had told him, weeks before. Only too bad he hadn’t believed the boy at the time. Or to be more accurate; he hadn’t wanted to believe him. That was another thing he wished he could go back and change.
*flashback*
“I’m not lying!” Billy glared at his father, upset that he wouldn’t believe him. “There was a man here, in the bed with Mum. I saw him!”
“Sure you did.” Spike sighed. “Thought I told you to stop making up stories.”
“I’m not making it up!” Billy stomped his foot, angrily.
Spike hesitated for a moment, something nagging at the back of his mind. But he quickly shook the disturbing feeling away. It was so much easier to live in denial. “So, if I would ask your mum about this...?”
Billy became quiet. Suddenly he looked worried. “You can’t do that.”
“And why’s that?” Spike crossed his arms over his chest. “Cause you know it’s not true?”
“No...” Billy shook his head, then rolled his eyes. “Just forget it.”
Spike swallowed, hard. No wonder why Billy kept lying, he thought. The boy had even said so himself, just a couple of days ago: ‘It doesn’t matter if I tell the truth or not, does it? You don’t believe me, anyway.’ Spike couldn’t blame him for feeling that way. He wondered, and not for the first time, when everything had gotten so screwed up.
He wanted to be a good father so badly, but what kind of father didn’t listen to his own son? And more importantly; what kind of father would stay with a woman who, so clearly, lacked the ability of caring about anyone but herself, including her son? Of course, Drusilla was sick and needed help, but that was no excuse for his behavior. He should’ve realized, a long time ago, that he would never be able to help her. Especially since she didn’t even want him to. To him, Drusilla had been everything. But to her, he had just been convenient.
Right now, he had a choice. He could spend the rest of his life wallowing in self-pity, or he could keep trying to make up for his mistakes and make a better life for Billy here in Sunnydale. Maybe it was already too late. But maybe, just maybe, he still had a chance to make things right. Even though he may not deserve a second chance, Billy sure did. And that was all that mattered.
The truth was, Spike had instantly forgotten all about Drusilla’s lover the moment he had walked through the door. The fact that she had been unfaithful to him didn’t mean a thing compared to what she had done to Billy. If it wasn’t for the boy, Spike wasn’t sure he would’ve actually found the strength to walk away. It probably would’ve taken a while, but sooner or later, he feared that he would have forgiven Dru, even taken her back. No matter how much she had hurt him.
As far as Spike knew, that was – thankfully – the one and only time Drusilla had hurt Billy physically. But once was more than enough. As soon as he and Billy had returned from the hospital that night, he had told Dru to pack her bags and get out. She had cried and pleaded at first, then changed her tactics and started yelling hysterically, but he had forced himself to be strong. Finally, she seemed to realize that he was serious, much to his – and Billy’s – great relief. Unfortunately, things didn’t stop there. In fact, after that incident, things just went down-hill.
*flashback*
“What are you doing here, Dru?” Spike held back an annoyed sigh. He should have known it was just a matter of time before she would show up again. At least Billy wasn’t home, and for that he was grateful. From now on, he would do anything to keep his son away from his mother, something he should have done a long time ago.
Drusilla made an attempt of getting inside, but he remained in the doorway, blocking her way. For a moment, her face twisted into an angry grimace, then it was gone and she pouted. “I went to school to get our boy. But the mean teacher wouldn’t let me. I am most cross with her.”
“That’s because I’ve told all of Billy’s teachers that from now on, I’m the only one who’s allowed to pick him up.” Spike suddenly felt very tired. He had dreaded this conversation, knowing that Drusilla wouldn’t take it well. He could see a huge outburst coming up, and he didn’t look forward to it.
“I see.” Drusilla sounded a little too calm for his liking. “You don’t trust me.”
“Give me one bloody reason why I should!” Spike shook his head in irritation, wondering how it was possible to have loved someone so strongly one moment, and the next, all feelings were just gone.
Staring at him for a moment, Drusilla then burst into tears. “Why are you doing this? Don’t you know how much I love you?”
“You don’t love anyone but yourself, and that’s the problem.” Spike glared at her. “You need help, Dru, help that I can’t give you. Until you agree to get it, I don’t want you anywhere near Billy. I mean it.”
She was quiet for a moment, then nodded in defeat. “Will you at least let me in so I can use the bathroom?” He opened his mouth to object, but she hurried on; “Billy is still in school. What’s the harm? I just need five minutes, then I will leave you alone.”
Spike sighed. “Fine. But five minutes s’all you get, then I’ll throw you out myself.” He stepped out of the way, allowing her to enter.
Drusilla smiled a little. “Don’t worry, my sweet William. I doubt I will even be here that long.” She slipped passed him through the door and into the house.
Five minutes later, Spike knocked on the bathroom door, telling Drusilla that her time was up. Ten minutes later, he burst through the door, and found his wife on the floor with both her wrists slit open.
Now he looked up, reluctantly meeting Buffy’s eyes. Letting out a miserable sigh, he finally nodded. “Yes, she did.”
TBC