“It’s bloody unfair’s what it is.” Billy took a small bite of his cheese and bologna sandwich, then put it down on the plate again, a sulky expression on his face. “I wanna see Buffy, too, why can’t I come?”
Spike had to bite his tongue to keep from reminding the boy that he was the one who had wanted his father to get together with Buffy in the first place, which would require the two adults to actually spend some time together by themselves. But he didn’t want to give Billy any false hope, since he still wasn’t sure where this thing with Buffy was going.
A part of him wasn’t fully convinced he was ready to get involved with someone, especially since his divorce was not even final yet. But on the other hand, Buffy wasn’t just someone. Being around her made him feel things he had almost given up hope of ever feeling again, and he would be a fool to throw that away just because he was afraid, or might not be ready to move on.
Of course, in his head, he had already moved on a long time ago. But in his heart, it was a different matter. Not that he still had any romantic feelings left for Dru; those feelings had conveniently died the moment he found out what she had been doing behind his back. But at the same time, he couldn’t help but mourn the loss of his failed marriage; just when did things start to get so horribly wrong? He and Dru had been really happy together, at least for a little while.
He had to remind himself that Drusilla was the one who had betrayed him, not the other way around. If things got serious with Buffy, there was nothing saying that their relationship would end up the same way. But still, he couldn’t help but wonder. Maybe it really was because of him. Maybe there was something wrong with him, something that made it impossible for anyone to really love him. In that case, it was just a matter of time before Buffy would come to the same conclusion as Dru; he was just not worth the trouble.
It was dangerous, though, letting his mind wander in that direction, Spike was well aware of that. He had chosen to leave LA so he would be able to start over again, away from his wife. Here in Sunnydale, he and Billy finally had a chance to start their new lives with a clean slate; nobody here knew what they had been through. Except now for Buffy, of course. Also, he had been forced to tell some of Billy’s teachers parts of the story, although he had been vague about the details. Which proved to be a good thing, since there were obviously already rumors going around at school.
But Buffy... Nobody had forced him to tell her a bloody thing about his past. And still, he had told her pretty much all there was to know. He had wanted her to know; not wanting there to be any secrets between them. And why would he feel that way if he hadn’t already decided that he wanted her to be a part of his – and Billy’s – life? So, the problem wasn’t that he didn’t know what he wanted. He just didn’t think he would survive getting his heart broken again.
Buffy’s innocence was another thing he found most thrilling about her. She had clearly been through a lot as well, with her father walking out on his family and her mother dying. Losing both her parents at such an early age must have forced her to grow up. Still, she was open-minded enough not to judge him, after hearing his story about Dru and Billy. Spike didn’t doubt for a second that Buffy would be mature enough to date a man a couple of years older, who also happened to have a kid.
But the fact remained; Buffy was young and innocent. He needed to make sure she really knew what she was getting herself into, should she decide she wanted to start dating him for real. Because he had already come to care deeply about her, and the last thing he wanted was for her to suddenly find herself trapped in a relationship she wouldn’t be ready for. Such a thing would hurt him as much as her.
He suddenly glanced up and his eyes met Billy’s, the boy looking at him expectantly. Spike realized that he had been lost in his own thoughts, forgetting that his son had just asked him a question. Picking up his almost empty cup of coffee, he silently cursed himself for not being more attentive when Billy was around. “You know you have to go to school.” Before Billy got the chance to object, he hurried to add; “Besides, Buffy might still be here when you get home.”
Billy seemed to perk up a bit at that, and he took another bite of his sandwich. “Yeah? Cool.” He kept eating his breakfast in silence.
Spike watched his son with a small frown on his face. Billy had clearly already taken a liking to Buffy, which he found somewhat out of character for the boy who had never really been one to open up to strangers. That was another thing that concerned him. He was not the only one who would get hurt if things didn’t work out between him and Buffy; it would affect Billy as well.
He cleared his throat, now glancing at Billy carefully. “Listen, Billy, I think we should talk a little about Buffy.”
Billy looked up, his face a mixture of wariness and curiosity. “You mean about you and Buffy?”
“Well, yeah.” Spike hesitated for a moment. “All right, look. If things turn out the way I hope, Buffy’s going to be around a lot from now on. First of all, I wanna know if you’re okay with that.” He was pretty certain he already knew the answer to that, but felt the need to ask anyway.
“Yeah, sure.” Billy tilted his head to the side, now with a hopeful expression on his face. “That mean you’re together now?”
“No, that means we’re gonna take things slow and see what happens.” Spike gave his son a firm look as he went on; “Billy, s’important that you understand that this thing with Buffy’s still very new. It takes time to get to know a person; even if two people like each other, it doesn’t mean they will end up together. It’s not enough to just be attracted to each other.” He paused. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Billy seemed to be thinking about it for a moment, then nodded, briefly. “But you do like her, right?”
Spike held back a sigh. Clearly, the boy just chose to hear what he wanted to hear. No real surprise there. “Yes.”
“Good.” Billy shoved the last of his sandwich into his mouth, taking a moment to chew before adding; “Then it’s no big deal. If you get married and it won’t work out, you can just get a divorce.” He picked up his empty glass and got up, heading for the dish washer. Then he looked out the window. “School bus’s here. Gotta go!” With that he grabbed his school bag, and was gone before Spike got the chance to say anything, which was probably just as good since he had absolutely no idea what to say.
TBC