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Author's Chapter Notes:
I've been working on the sequel to Love and Trust, but I took a break to write the first chapter of Fix You the other day and this chapter of Poison. If you haven't read Fix You, check it out. If you're interested, let me know! Thanks!
Chapter Eleven:

"Comfortable, pet?"

"Oh...uh...yeah..." Buffy had situated herself so far onto the corner of the bed that she was practically sitting on the bedside table. If her intention was to distance herself from the man beside her, it did little good, as Spike had decided to lounge directly in the center of the large mattress.

"So..." Spike leaned his head back against the headboard.

"Willow," Buffy stated firmly.

"Willow," Spike echoed. "Amazing girl, she is."

Buffy bit her lip. "Did you two ever...uh...date?"

Spike chuckled. "Oh no, nothing like that, pet. I met her my freshman year in high school, right after I moved to the states. She was one of the only people to accept the geeky English kid." He smiled at Buffy's raised eyebrow. "Believe it or not, pet, I haven't always been the badass you see before you. I was quite the awkward little poet when I first arrived here, but Willow accepted me immediately. My first couple of years here, I barely spent a moment without either her or Xander by my side."

"Xander?"

Spike's lips formed a strange little smile. "Yeah...Xander. Willow's other half. Those two were best mates since they were in diapers. Two peas in a pod, they were..."

Buffy could tell that Spike's mind had started to wander off as he stared blankly into the room, drawing shapes on the mattress with his finger. "Spike? So...is that when you met Oz...high school?"

"Mmmm..." He took a breath and seemed to refocus. "No...met Oz, Angel, and Dru in college, pet."

Her eyes widened in surprise. "You went to college?"

Spike shrugged his shoulders. "Just one semester. Dropped out to concentrate on my band."

"You have a band?"

"Well...I did have a band. We pretty much broke up around the time I got clean."

Buffy let out an exasperated sigh, "What exactly is it that you do do?"

Spike shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I have been working at a record store but not showing up the last couple of days has probably killed that."

"God, Spike..."

He shot her a glare, "Look, do you want to hear about Willow or not?"

She held up her hands in surrender. "Okay, okay. Sorry."

"Anyway," he continued, his voice laced in irritation, "I suppose Willow and I had our falling out about a year before I stopped using. I was still in the thick of things then, taking anything I could get my hands on. Willow didn't approve of my extracurricular activities at all, but she was just too good to ever give up on me. But..." he let out a breath, "Xander was curious. I think...it's almost like he looked up to me...or wanted to be me...I don't know. I never claimed to be the best role model."

Buffy moved her body to more fully face him. "Did you...get Xander into drugs or something?"

"I've never pushed that shit on anyone," Spike snapped defensively, "but...he came to me...it was only one time. He wanted to know what it felt like. It's not like I pumped his veins full of junk...it was just a little coke..." he trailed off, running a shaky hand through his hair.

"Oh my god...did he like OD or something," Buffy asked in a hushed voice.

Spike dropped his hand to his lap and turned to Buffy with a wry grin, "I'm afraid you're gonna have to pick a different movie of the week, pet."

Buffy sighed in relief, releasing some of the tension Spike's story was building in her. "So, he's all right then?" She jumped when Spike let out a loud chuckle in response.

"Oh, he's dead all right. Dead as dead can be." He continued to laugh bitterly. "There was just no dramatic overdose...though I suppose it was the drugs that did him in."

She didn't know how to respond. Spike's twisted, pained laughter was scaring her more than his earlier rage. She tentatively inched closer, not quite ready to touch him yet. "What happened," she whispered, not sure if she even wanted to know anymore.

Spike was silent. He stared straight ahead, hands balled into fists on his thighs. Buffy watched his chest rise and fall in shallow pants. "Spi—"

"He had a fuckin' heart defect!" Spike's voice boomed in the quiet room. "I don't think he even knew he had fuckin' bum ticker. Christ! We were having a good time! I didn't give him too much!" He turned his head towards Buffy and pleaded with his eyes for something. Sympathy, understanding, forgiveness...he didn't know. "It was over just like that...I mean, I couldn't tell you the time-frame really...it all seemed to happen so fast. He was...laughing," his voice broke, "and then he was gone."

"Oh my god, Spike...oh my god..." Buffy murmured as she scooted her body close to his. She placed a hand over one of his tightly clenched fists. "You didn't know, Spike...god...Willow blamed you?" Buffy gasped when Spike suddenly buried his face in her neck.

"No..." he mumbled, his warm breath tickling her skin, "she was disappointed in me, that's for sure...but she said that Xander made the choice to put the drugs into his body. Said she couldn't hold me responsible for that. Wanted me to get counseling like some sort of bleedin' ponce." He let out a quick breath. "No...she didn't blame me for Xander, but she thought that it would get me to stop. I'd just lost one of my best friends. Why in the bloody hell would I stop doing the one thing that could make me feel somewhat normal...if only for a little while? She didn't see it that way, of course."

Buffy turned her head slightly, pressing her cheek against his. "So if she doesn't blame you...I don't..."

Spike flopped back against the headboard and shot Buffy an indecipherable look. "The funeral," he stated flatly. "Wasn't even gonna go, but well, you get enough crap in your system and you're liable to change your mind. So, I show up at the church high as a kite with Dru in tow. She didn't touch any of that stuff, but like I said, she's not all there. At that time, she was going on and on about sunshine and fairies...quite vocal, that one. Willow tried to talk us into leaving, but I'd have none of that." Buffy flinched at the sound of his bitter laughter. "No, I had to say goodbye to my best mate Xander. I went up to the front of the church, right next to his bloody coffin...and when I saw him...I just got so angry. I guess I was angry at myself...angry at him for dying. So...I start screaming at his fuckin' corpse...and I'm saying all this shit...I don't even know what I'm saying...but it wasn't good...I was just so jacked up on shit." He snorted loudly, "I grabbed him!"

Buffy was startled by this revelation. "Grabbed who?" she asked weakly, sick because she already knew the answer.

He hung his head, no longer able to meet her eyes. "Xander," he whispered. "Some of his relatives had to pull me off and throw me out of the church. Willow hasn't wanted anything to do with me since." He smiled ruefully, "So there's your story, pet. That what you wanted to know?"

It was more than she ever wanted to know. As is, she was having to carefully control her breathing, so she wouldn't, well...heave. His life seemed to be one wrong turn after another. She wanted to blame him...she knew she could blame him...she probably did blame him...but for some reason, all she wanted to do at that moment was comfort him. God, how did he make such a mess of things?

"Spike...why did you start...with all the crap?" She tried to make her voice as non-confrontational as possible. Still, his eyes shot up to meet hers...and he looked...hurt.

"Mummy doesn't love me...daddy was never there," he began mockingly, rolling his eyes, "What do you want me to say to make this all better, pet? It is what it is."

"Spike, I—" She was interrupted by a loud banging at the front of the house. She looked questioningly at Spike, "Does anyone know you're here?"

He cocked an eyebrow. "Who would I tell, luv? I thought we just went over this."

"Oh...yeah...right," she wrinkled her forehead, "must be one of my friends. When they didn't find me at the main house, they probably assumed I was crashing out here." She slid off of the bed before turning back to Spike, "Wait here."

She wandered barefoot through the house, her heels forgotten by the bed. As she approached the door, there was another loud knock. Keep your pants on! I'm coming. She quickly swung the door open before she could be subjected to anymore of the obnoxious pounding.

Her eyes widened, "Riley!"

He looked angry, irritated, annoyed, and all those other negative words that start with vowels. This was not good.

"Uh...Riley...what do you want? I mean...this is kind of a bad time, so if you could just—"

"Cut the crap, Buffy!" he barked sharply. "We need to talk."

Shit, shit shit. "I know, Riley...but right now is really, really not a good time." She had to get him out of there before he saw Spike.

"Look, Buffy, You just can't br—" His eyes were suddenly riveted to a spot behind her. "What the fuck!"

Buffy took a deep breath and slowly turned around, knowing what she would find...but hoping that she was wrong.

Fuck.


Chapter End Notes:
So, that's the answer to the Willow mystery. Hope you liked this chapter. Please, let me know what you think! Thank you so much!



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