Spike slammed the door to his bedroom so hard he cracked the doorframe. He turned and punched the wall with his already bloodied hand, causing a shooting pain to go from his hand up through his arm and into his shoulder. He didn't care, he wanted it to hurt. Anything to take away the emotional hurt he felt.
When he pulled his hand away from the wall some paint chips and small bits of drywall fell to the floor, leaving cracks and a hole in the wall next to the door.
Good, Spike... take it out on the poor defenseless wall... soddin' idiot.
He chuckled as he stared at his hand. but couldn't stop the single tear that rolled down his cheek.
She hurt him. She lied to him. God knows whether or not she would have actually admitted it to him later on or if she would have kept it a big secret.
Or she would have kicked him to the curb and laughed it all off.
He felt betrayed, and so angry that he needed to get away from her.
This entire time he thought she was his, when really he was sharing. Unknowingly sharing her with a guy who had owned her heart for over two years. What chance did he really have at the end of that? She would have chosen the other guy. Everybody always chooses the other guy.
Spike angrily stuffed his hands in his pockets to pull out his cigarettes but instead he felt the small ring he had planned to give to Buffy, and a wave of sickness washed through him. He pulled it out of his pocket and studied it for a moment, then drew back his arm ready to throw it across the room, but before he could do so he stopped, let out a sigh and lightly tossed it on top of his dresser.
He kicked off his boots and shrugged off his duster, kicking and throwing them to the side as he whipped his curtains closed. He didn't want to risk even getting a glimpse of her.
He slumped over to the side of his bed and sat down on the edge, opening his bedside table drawer and pulling out a flask he had hidden, taking a long swig.
x X x X x
Buffy had to practically drag herself up the stairs and back into her room.
He left.
He'd heard her say it, finally admit how she felt, when her emotions were open for anything he had to give her, and he didn't say a word back to her. He just left.
She didn't know why she had expected anything different. She knew. In the back of her mind, somewhere, she knew this would end badly. She lied to him for her own benefit. She wanted him so badly, she was willing to lie to him, hurt him in the long run just so she could have him early, all to herself... with no one around to judge her.
As she entered her room she picked up a small table lamp that had gotten knocked over during the scuffle and carefully put it back where it belonged.
She felt numb.
She never would have thought it could hurt this much, to lose someone she really barely knew. Whether she truly knew him or not, though, she definitely knew she had never had more fun, or felt more at peace in her entire life than when she was with him.
She knew this would have to happen somehow, knew that Riley would overreact and get angry, but she never realized that was how Spike would react. In fact, she had been more worried about Riley and her friends finding out and their reactions that she never really thought about how Spike would feel to know he had been lied to, even if it did benefit him a little.
Buffy felt sick to her stomach as she thought about how selfish that one little white lie had been, and although she thought Spike had taken it too personally, she would do it all over again differently and take the rejection and ridicule from her so called friends just so long as she could be with him in the end.
She walked over to her window and put her hand up to close the curtains and she looked hopefully over at the house across the street, only to be disappointed when his blinds were closed so she couldn't see inside. Her lip quivered and she sniffled as she weakly closed her blinds and turned toward her bed.
She half-heartedly crawled in, not bothering to change out of her tattered clothes, curled up on her side, and let the tears fall.
x X x X x
A few days passed, and Buffy sat on her neatly made bed, knees curled up under her chin as she looked miserably at her red headed friend.
Willow looked with sympathy at her. "You really told him that? You told him you love him?"
Buffy nodded sadly. "I said it, I asked him not to leave... he stopped and sighed, shook his head, and left," she said trying to keep herself from crying again. She'd played that moment over and over in her head so many times that it was impossible for her to forget. "I haven't seen or heard from him since then."
"I don't even know what to say, Buffy..."
Buffy shook her head. "I messed up bad, Wil. The more I think about it the worse I feel. I was so selfish..."
"Yeah but doesn't it make you feel a little... I don't know... justified? Because Riley was cheating on you first? It's like retaliation."
She shook her head again. "Just because he was doing it first doesn't make what I did okay. I lowered myself to the standard of someone who would do that when I promised myself I never would," she said taking a deep shaky breath. "Besides, thats not really what this is about. Riley may have gotten what he deserved but Spike certainly didn't. I never should have lied to him..."
Willow nodded and looked sadly over at the window. "School starts up again tomorrow. What are you gonna do?"
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know..." she said as she began to shake with tears. "Right now I'm just trying to keep from dying..."
As she started to cry she fell forward and laid her head in Willow's lap, and sobbed. Willow merely brushed her friends hair out of her face and tried to comfort her with her embrace.
x X x X x
Spike lay flat on his back with this limbs sprawled out around him on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Xander sat at the desk chair, slightly spinning as he tossed a ball up in the air and caught it continuously. "That's harsh, man," he said with a shake of his head. "She really said it though? She said 'I love you'?"
Spike sort of half-snorted. "Yeah. Lot of good that does me now. She made me think I had a bloody chance with her when really I was just her spring fling. Something to kick around with while hubby's on vacation."
"Come on," Xander said making a face. "You don't really believe that do you? I mean if she said she loved you..."
He had already thought about it. There had definitely been a connection between them, one that he couldn't see her faking. And she had said the words to him, though he still had a hard time believing that she truly felt that way. Even still, it was more then he'd ever gotten out of any other relationship with a woman... he just didn't understand why she had tried to keep it a secret that she and captain cardboard were still together. Why was it that no one was ever completely honest with him? "Don't you think that if she had really meant it she might have tried a little harder to keep me from walking away? She could have tried callin' or something... but she hasn't."
Xander thought about it for a moment. "Sure, she probably could have made a little more of an effort, but maybe she was afraid to? You do have a bit of a temper... did you scare her?"
"No!" he said defensively, then thought about it for a second. "Maybe... But I was angry, I'd just been in a fight..."
"All I'm sayin' is... maybe she's hurting too."
Spike looking thoughtfully at his friend, then laid back and stared back up at his bedroom ceiling and sighed.
x X x X x
"She's really hurting, Xander. I feel really bad for her," Willow said, giving her best friend a look.
"Well so is he, Wil. Have you ever dealt with a heartbroken Spike? It's not fun. It's all yelling and 'bloody this' and 'bloody that.'"
"It's just," she sighed. "Buffy never wanted to hurt him, and he thinks thats what she wanted to do. She was just trying to be a little kinder to Riley by not breaking up with him while he was on vacation... she just grew impatient when it came to Spike."
Xander snorted. "Nicer to the guy who's been cheating on her?"
"She didn't know he was cheating! She found out during the fight, remember?" she said looking sad again.
Xander thought on it for a moment. "Then are you sure she's not more sad that her boyfriend was cheating on her? Instead of the Spike thing, I mean?"
Willow shook her head. "She's ready to be shunned by the entire school just so long as she can get Spike back. She could care less about what Riley's been doing behind her back."
"So... let's get these crazy kids back together then," he said with a bit of pep.
Willow looked skeptical. "You really think we'll be able to do that without inadvertantly causing more damage?"
Xander shrugged. "Couldn't hurt to try. Buffy misses Spike, Spike misses Buffy... How couldn't it work?"
"Because they hurt each other..."
"Yeah but..." Xander looked down at her. "If Buffy really does love him..."
Willow contemplated it for a minute. It was clear that Buffy wanted Spike back. She'd begged him to stay that night, though, and he wouldn't. So the question was... "Do you think Spike's willing to forgive and forget?"
Xander looked at her again. "The guy's had his heart broken by the only three girls he's ever really had feelings for. I think he'll forgive, but he certainly won't forget."
"What do you mean? A-about the other girls, I mean. Did he tell you what happened with them?"
He shrugged again. "Not in great detail but enough to understand the guy's pain."
Willow looked at him to elaborate.
"Some broad over in England named Cicy or Cecily or something' had been his major crush for years. When he finally gathered up the courage to tell her how he felt she'd told him he was beneath her, and basically humiliated him in front of a crowd of his classmates and friends. Then psycho Dru came along, basically made him what he is now and as soon as he couldn't be there to wait on her hand and foot she gave him the boot, making him feel like their entire relationship had been meaningless. And you know Spike... when he loves... he loves with everything he's got."
"He never really seemed upset about Dru, though, u-unless he just didn't let it show around us..."
"Oh he was. I got to hear all the venting. Besides, the night Dru dropped him was the night Buffy crawled through his bedroom window for the first time, so I'm pretty sure he got a little side tracked."
Willow was staring off into her own little world, no doubt playing everything out in her head. "And Spike fell for Buffy hard and fast..."
Xander tilted his head to the side a little. "Well I'm pretty sure Spike was crushin' on her before he and Dru were over. He just never acted on it until he got the boot."
"You don't think Buffy was just his rebound girl, do you?" she asked nervously.
Xander shook his head vehemently, much to Willow's relief. "No, I don't."
Willow nodded. "Well then our mission is clear... We gotta get those two back together."
x X x X x
"Buffy, honey?" Joyce said softly as she lightly knocked on Buffy's door, letting herself in without further invitation. "You have any homework you need to get done before school tomorrow?"
Buffy sat on her bed, leaning slightly to her side and back against the headboard, her knees curled up and a pillow clutched to her chest. "No, mom. It's all done."
"Now thats a first," her mother joked as she sat down on the edge of the bed.
Buffy gave her a weak forced smile. "Yeah, haven't been doing too much the last few days so I did it to try and pass the time."
Joyce was surprised. "Well that's good."
Buffy looked down at her fidgeting hands. "Yeah, I guess."
This earned a curious look from her mother, and she had leaned over and grabbed what Buffy had been hiding in her lap. She smiled when she saw that it was a picture of her daughter and the neighbor across the street. "He's the reason you've been acting so differently lately, isn't he?" she smiled.
Buffy took a deep breath and nodded, trying to hide any signs of her heartache, but no one knew her better than her mother and Joyce tilted her head and looked at her.
"Something happen between you two?" she asked as she moved a little closer.
Tears formed in Buffy's eyes as she looked back up at her mother. "I screwed up, mom."
Joyce's heart sank at the look in her daughters eyes. "Oh, Buffy, what happened?"
Buffy shook her head and wiped away a single fallen tear. "I lied," she sniffled. "I hadn't actually broken up with Riley yet and I led him to believe that I did. I was going to tell him, I was... but... I got scared."
Joyce rubbed her arm. "Honey, why did you tell everyone you and Riley weren't together when you really were?"
Buffy shrugged. "Looking back on it I know it was selfish of me. It just hurts. When Spike found out the truth he got so mad. I never wanted to hurt him," she sobbed as the tears began to fall. "I never meant for him to get hurt."
Joyce pulled her daughter into a hug and rubbed her back, kissing the top of her head. "Does Riley know about all of this?" she asked softly.
Buffy nodded and sniffled. "We're completely over now and everyone knows. But Spike... he's just so mad at me..."
"Well honey, no offense but he has every right to be."
She nodded again. "I know, I know. It just-" she sniffled and lifted her head. "I know it was fast, but... I fell in love with him, mom. I did, and now, knowing that I hurt him... I feel so horrible."
"Well..." Joyce didn't really know what to say. "I can't really speak for him, Buffy, but you're just gonna have to give him time to forgive you."
Buffy nodded, wiping away remaining tears and taking a deep breath to steady herself. "I know. I just wish we could skip that part and be all happy again."
Joyce stroked her only daughters’ cheek, hating to see her in pain. "Hey, you know what?"
Buffy wiped her nose. "What?"
"I've got a couple of pints of Ben & Jerry's in the freezer. What do you say? Wanna have a mother-daughter pig-out night? I'll even order pizza..."
Buffy chuckled a little through her tears. "Oh yes please!" she said as she followed her mother up off the bed. "Hey mom?"
"Yeah, honey?" she said turning in the doorway.
Buffy walked up to her and wrapped her in a tight hug. "Thanks."
x X x X x
Spike walked in his front door and threw his keys down on the table, tired after exhausting himself at the gym all afternoon.
"Oh good, you're home," Rupert said setting down his newspaper and removing his glasses. "There's, um,-"
"Uncle Rupert, I'm sorry but I really don't feel well, I'm going upstairs, gotta get some kip," he said without even looking at his uncle, bounding up the steps two at a time.
"But-" Rupert sighed, giving up immediately.
His bloody problem then...
Spike rounded the corner of the upstairs hall toward his room, and pushed the door open. He stopped in his tracks.
x X x X x
Buffy trudged up the stairs, tired and totally not looking forward to school the next morning. She would have to see Riley again, and deal with Cordelia's snobbery. She didn't even want to think about what could happen if Spike and Riley bumped shoulders in the hallway.
With a sigh she changed into some shorts and walked over to her window. The guilt washed through her again as she paused to look across the street at his window. His shades were still shut and it hurt more to know that he didn't even want to chance looking at her.
Her bottom lip quivered but she willed herself not to cry again, taking a deep breath and shutting her curtains.
Tomorrow they'd have to at least see each other. Whether or not he would speak to her would be determined once they made eye contact.
Tomorrow.
She made her way over to the side of her bed and turned off the light, crawling in and pulling the covers up to her chin, nothing but the moonlight illuminating her saddened features as she tried to drift off to sleep.
x X x X x
Spike stood in the doorway of his bedroom, staring wide eyed at the sight in front of him. He couldn't even wrap his mind around what was happening in that moment. All he knew what that things were about to get interesting.
He sucked a deep breath in and blinked. "What are you doing here?"
The figure he was speaking to turned around to face him fully, and leered at him. "My Spike... Is that any way to treat an old lover?"
He shook his head and looked down at his feet, hoping that this wasn't really happening. When he looked up again reality smacked him in the face.
He couldn't help but chuckle. "'Ello, Dru."
TBC