The weekend had come and gone and much to Buffy’s relief, no one acted differently at school on Monday morning. No one seemed to know what had happened at U.C. Sunnydale over the weekend and as far as she knew, no one really cared or thought about why Parker hadn’t come to school. It was a huge weight off of her shoulders to know people wouldn’t be staring at her and whispering around her for another reason. The fiasco with Riley had been enough.
Buffy was also relieved to know that Willow, Xander, and Spike hadn’t said anything to anyone either, as they were the only people in school to know what happened.
Even though Buffy had promised Spike they would talk on Saturday, he hadn’t come looking to take her up on her offer. He’d left her alone all weekend, not even calling or sending a text message like he had after Dru had left town.
Dru. Buffy knew that was what Spike wanted to talk to her about, too. He was going to tell her that nothing had happened between them, that they hadn’t slept together like she thought.
Buffy wanted it to be the truth, and if she was honest with herself, and listened to her heart, she knew Spike was telling the truth.
The morning bell rang, bringing Buffy from her thoughts and rousing her to get ready for class. With a deep breath she tossed some books into her locker, grabbing the ones necessary for her morning classes, and heading off to homeroom.
x X x X x X x
It was the class before lunch when it dawned on Buffy that she would probably be sitting at the same table as Spike, and therefore would possibly have to have ‘the talk’ in a forty five minute period surrounded by most of the school. Although that thought didn’t exactly appeal to her, she started to gather her thoughts enough to form actual words in order to express to Spike exactly how she was feeling.
It was hard, especially because a lot of what she would have to say to him would be based off of whatever news he had for her regarding his ex.
He wants them to be an item, she knew that, but after everything that’s happened the last few months and weeks, she wasn’t so sure that was what she wanted anymore. She needed some quiet time in her head, with no outside influences in order to know what she really wanted.
The bell rang, ending her last class before lunch and thus, bringing her from her thoughts for the moment and sending her on a path that caused her heart to race and her palms sweat.
Walking out of the classroom and down the hall she spotted Willow waiting for her at her locker, and she instantly felt better. At least she would have others nearby and they wouldn’t leave her hanging in an awkward position.
As Buffy approached her locker and Willow saw her, she smiled. “Hey, Buf.”
“Hey, Wil,” Buffy smiled as she worked on her locker combination.
“How is everything today? I mean,” she said looking around briefly then lowering her voice. “You know…”
Buffy smiled and nodded, reassuring her friend and feeling a surge of gratitude for her concern. “Everything’s great. No one seems to know anything.”
Willow nodded and smiled. “Good.”
The two girls were silent for a moment as Buffy put her books away and grabbed a few things to take with her to the cafeteria. She was so tempted to ask Willow whether or not Spike would be at lunch today, but she was afraid of giving her the wrong impression as to why. Her question, however, was answered as soon as Xander approached.
“My girls!” he announced with his arms in the air. “My friends…” he said as he wrapped one arm around each girl. “My girly friends…”
Both Buffy and Willow chuckled as Buffy closed her locker and began walking with Xander.
“Spike is already in the cafeteria waiting for us. Are we ready to dine upon the greatest feast Sunnydale High hath ever presented?”
Willow turned toward her friends and played along. “Oh are we having tuna loaf and lima beans again already?”
Buffy chuckled and shook her head, but quickly lost track of the conversation as her mind started racing.
Spike was just down the hall, in the cafeteria waiting for them. It had only been a week or two since their last real civilized conversation, Friday night not included, and she suddenly wasn’t so sure how to go about acting normal around him.
The moment the double doors to the lunch room opened, however, and Buffy laid eyes on Spike sitting at the table, her heart betrayed her mind and she found her stomach fluttering. It honestly made her question whether or not there was something wrong with her.
Then, to make matters worse, he looked up at her and she could swear that his eyes sparkled at her. She couldn’t fight the blush that formed as she approached the table. She was so distracted she didn’t even hear the snort that came from Harmony, the girl to replace her at her old lunch table, as she passed by her former friends.
She only hoped she had the strength to keep her composure and tell him she needed time alone.
Spike looked up when he saw the door open out of the corner of his eye, and his breath hitched as his eyes immediately landed on hers.
So many emotions coursed their way through him as he saw her walking with their mutual friends. She was looking right at him, walking her way over to the table where he sat waiting, and she wasn’t running away.
That had to count for something, right?
Spike could feel Riley Finn’s eyes on him as Buffy walked past their table, but he wouldn’t give the poof the satisfaction of acknowledging him. It appeared that Finn wasn’t quite over the blonde beauty, despite his harsh words and alliance with Cordelia and Harmony.
He wasn’t worried about Riley, though. He already knew Buffy would choose him over Riley. She already had.
All those thoughts, however, vanished from his mind as he noticed her hesitation when it came to choosing a seat at the small round table. There were two available seats after Willow and Xander sat down; one next to Xander and one next to Spike. Her hesitation cost her the choice, though, as Oz walked up and took the spot between Willow and Xander, leaving only the seat next to Spike.
Spike sat back in his seat and nodded at Xander and Oz as everyone else took their seats. Buffy quietly took hers between Willow and Spike, not speaking but sparing glances over at him every now and then.
The situation was not comfortable, and Buffy was a little peeved at Willow for leaving her hanging in the wind as she had her own private conversation with the other two.
No awkward positions, my ass…
Attempting to find a distraction, Buffy pulled out an orange and began busying herself with peeling away the rind, hoping that she wasn’t coming off as cold.
Spike wanted very badly to ask how she was doing, or offer to get her something to drink, but she was avoiding his gaze, and that alone was keeping him back. He didn’t know where to start.
He felt as if he were to speak, he would stammer or say something stupid or corny. He felt good after their brief encounter on Friday night, and he felt his exit had been just right. He didn’t want to ruin his cool by sounding scared or nervous.
Then, just as he was thinking about doing something goofy, like homework, he came up with something he hoped wouldn’t get him scoffed at, but that he was willing to try.
Grabbing one of Xander’s notebooks, which earned him a brief glare from the brunette, Spike pulled out a page and scribbled something down before slipping it within Buffy’s view.
Buffy wrinkled her brow and suppressed a smirk as she saw the piece of paper being pushed by a set of fingers with familiar chipped black nail polish.
She set down her citrus snack and stared at the paper briefly before looking over at Spike, who smiled shyly and shrugged.
Buffy smiled and shook her head as she pulled the note closer and read what he had written down. She blushed.
You look pretty today.
Buffy shook her head and clicked her pen, swiftly writing while trying hard not to cave and swoon at his cuteness.
Thanks Romeo. I believe we need to have a talk. After all, I promised.
Spike read the note and deflated a bit. Still smiling, he responded.
I know. I’d rather do it without an audience, though.
Buffy released a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding, relieved and pleased that he was feeling the same as her.
Me too. Come over tonight after seven? We’ll talk on the porch.
Spike found himself getting nervous again. The smile was gone from her face and she was chewing on her bottom lip. Her overall body language was concerning.
I’ll be there.
Buffy looked up at him and held his gaze for a few moments, hoping he understood the seriousness of the conversation to come, and hoping it didn’t cause any more chaos in their already rocky relationship.
After a moment or two of silence Spike grabbed the paper again and quickly wrote something down, this time folding the paper up and slipping it back to her.
Before she could open it and read it, however, Spike excused himself from the table, saying he needed a cigarette before his next class, and left the cafeteria.
Willow looked over at Buffy with a look that asked ‘what happened.’ Buffy smiled and shook her head, sending Willow back to her conversation with her boys.
When Buffy was sure no one in the room was watching her, she unfolded the piece of paper and read what he had written.
Buffy, you’re beautiful every day. See you at seven.
Buffy brushed her fingers across her lips as she tried to hide the traitorous smile that formed before she folded the paper up and stuck it in her purse.
x X x X x X x
Buffy waited on her front porch and watched as the sun started to disappear behind the trees, causing the temperature to decrease significantly as nightfall approached.
She sat on the porch glider, her legs curled up under her as she clutched her sweater closed over her chest. She closed her eyes as a calm breeze blew across her face. She wished she could feel relaxed, when at the moment she was anything but.
She was scared, afraid of what was about to transpire and what would become of her friendship with Spike after their conversation.
All day since their lunch period, Buffy worked on what she wanted to say to Spike, and tried to think of different things to say without escalating anything or feeling like she was going to make matters worse. By the time seven o’clock came around she was pretty sure she knew what she had to say.
It was perfect timing too, because the sound of a twig snapping brought her from her thoughts and she opened her eyes to find the very subject of her thoughts standing at the base of the porch, as expected.
Buffy swallowed. “Hello, Spike.”
Spike tilted his head and looked at her softly. “Buffy.”
A lengthy silence followed, neither one of them sure how to begin the much anticipated conversation, and thus causing more tension between the two.
Buffy shifted slightly under his gaze and cleared her throat. “So,” she began. “You said you wanted to say something to me about Dru…”
Spike nodded and watched his own feet as he stepped up onto the porch and came to sit on the ledge, facing Buffy. “Um,” he took a deep breath, trying to choose his words. “I know about the pictures you saw, of me and Dru…”
Buffy swallowed and blushed, then held her chin high and looked him in the eye. “I did.”
Spike nodded. “They’re old, Buffy. Taken before I met you.”
Buffy had expected him to say that, but when she thought about how she saw her touching him that night through the window, she grew defensive.
“Not to start another fight, but how do I know you’re not just lying?”
“Because I know which pictures you saw, and I can tell you to look at one that shows my back,” he said pointing a thumb over his shoulder. “I didn’t have my tattoo yet when those were taken, but I’ve had it for as long as I’ve known you.”
Buffy thought about it for a second and felt tears form on the brim of her eyes. That never dawned on her to check something like that, and in her heart she knew he was telling the truth.
“But I saw you; the night we talked on the phone… she had her arms around you…”
Spike shook his head and moved to sit next to her on the glider. “You didn’t stick around for the big finale,” he chuckled. “I told her to shove off and I locked ‘er out of my room. She had packed up and left by the next morning,” he said motioning toward her. “Though, not before leaving you a cruel present I s’pose.”
Buffy was quiet for a few moments, taking the time and quiet to process everything she’d just learned. It all made sense, and she was angry at herself for not taking the time to listen and learn all this sooner. Had she been less of a drama queen and actually listened to what he had to say that afternoon he’d barged into her home, she probably wouldn’t have gone to the party with Parker, and this whole mess could have been avoided.
That was really why she was mad. It was all actually her fault.
Spike felt good, he could tell by the expression on her face and by her body language that she believed him, but her avoidance of his gaze made him question whether or not he should ask the important question that he needed answered.
“Buffy,” he said quietly, moving his head to catch her gaze and hold it. “You and me,” he said as she stared back at him with glossy eyes. “Are we… okay?”
Unable to exactly handle him being so close to her, she stood up and walked to the end of the porch. She turned and quickly faced him. “I-I don’t know, Spike. There’s just so much going on right now…”
Spike grit his teeth and nodded as he chipped some paint off of his nails.
Buffy instantly felt guilty, after all she’d just admitted to herself that pretty much everything had been her fault, and he was being extremely patient with her and her slow brain.
With a sigh she stepped a little closer to him and sat down on a chair opposite him, fidgeting with her hands. “I mean,” she shook her had. “I don’t know what I mean.”
Spike leaned forward on his knees and looked up at her. “Buffy, this… shit that has gone on with me and you, it was all a lot of misunderstandings. And the thing with Finn-“
“I was going to tell him, Spike, I swear. I don’t know why I didn’t do it right away I just-“
“I know. I know that now, but at the time…” Spike sat back and looked at her. “I was afraid I was just being used. I didn’t handle it well.”
Again, the guilt hit Buffy full force as she looked into his eyes. Regardless, she knew something wasn’t right. Something didn’t feel right. “Spike, I’m so sorry for all of this. I know it’s my fault, and you didn’t deserve what you got, but me and you,” she said then paused.
Spike sat back. He knew that look, that tone in her voice. Nothing good would come of it.
Buffy rubbed at her tired eyes. “We moved way too fast. We didn’t do things right.”
Spike stood and paced for a second. “We didn’t do them wrong either, Buffy.”
She looked down at her hands again. She’d set him off.
“Buffy, pet,” he said as he kneeled in front of her. “Everything we did felt completely right. If it felt so right, how could it be wrong?”
Buffy tilted her head and pressed a palm to his cheek. “Spike,” she said licking her lips. “I can’t just go back to the way things were. We need to back pedal a little bit…”
Spike stood up and turned his back to her, trying to make sense of what was happening. Things had been going so well, and then suddenly she threw a curve ball at him.
“Spike, I’m not saying that we can’t go back to that eventually,” she said standing behind him. “I’m just asking that you give me a little time to recoup, make sure that this is what we both really want. I just need to think about some stuff before going headlong into a relationship again.”
With his hands on his hips he turned and faced her, pleading with his eyes for her to stop.
“Too much has gone on and I just need a little time to be on my own and make decisions for myself, ones that don’t involve me going on dates with assholes just to make you jealous.” Buffy sucked in a gulp of air and waited for his response, feeling guilty about possibly hurting him, but needing to be firm about her feelings.
Spike couldn’t describe the disappointment swelling up inside him. He had day dreamed about coming over here, telling her the truth about the pictures and sweeping her off her feet. Maybe it was selfish, but he hadn’t expected to be pushed back again when he just got her speaking to him again.
He took a deep breath and slapped a fake smile on his face. If she wanted time, fine, he would give her time. But he wouldn’t sit back and watch quietly if another bloke came into the picture. “Alright.”
Buffy blinked a few times, surprised that he didn’t put up a little more of a fight. “You’re not mad at me?”
Spike couldn’t help the small smile that traitorously formed as he looked at her big eyes and nervous smile. He felt like a kicked puppy, but he also knew that he needed to give her this one. He reached an arm out and pulled her to him, kissing the top of her head in a loving manner. “No, pet, I can’t be mad.”
Buffy was surprised, to say the least, but more importantly, relieved. It wasn’t that she didn’t want him, it was just that she wanted to be his friend before she was his girlfriend. She pulled away and Spike immediately felt the loss of her in his arms. “Well,” Buffy said with a sniffle as she backed away from him, rubbing her arms. “I guess I’ll see you in school tomorrow?”
Spike nodded and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “You got a ride in the morning?”
Buffy blushed and tightened her sweater around her body. “No.”
Spike felt a little better. “I’ll pick you up. Around seven thirty?”
Buffy tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and smiled. “Okay. Thanks.”
Spike didn’t know what else to say. He felt relieved and like he’d had his manhood cut off at the same time. He had his girl back without really having her back. It was a bitter sweet feeling. With one last deep breath Spike huffed up his chest and nodded curtly at her, stepping around and going down the porch steps and making his way across the front lawn.
Buffy knew that she had done the right thing, by holding things off for a bit while things cooled down; her brain was telling her that. But why did she feel like she’d kicked him to the curb? Blown him off? “Spike!” she called out as she spun around.
He turned and faced her, still walking backwards toward his house. He raised his chin.
“It’s not for forever, you know,” Buffy said with a slight smile and a tilt of her head. “I just… I have to… to finish baking. You know, like… cookie dough.”
Spike stared for a moment as he tried to understand her kooky Buffy logic then chuckled and shook his head. She was too bloody… cute.
At his laugh Buffy looked shyly at her hands for a moment then with completely seriousness looked back up. “I’m just not done yet…”
Spike stopped his backward stroll and looked deep into her eyes from where he was standing on the sidewalk. As serious and straight faced as he’d ever been, he sucked in a deep breath and spoke. “I know what you mean, luv. You just let me know when you’re ready, yeah?” With one final smile, just as the sun completely set, Spike turned and walked across the street and into his home.
Buffy, feeling sated and excited at the same time, pressed her fingers to her lips and blew a silent kiss across the street, eternally grateful for the way things went today and his patience with her. She walked into the house and turned in for the night, looking forward to the ride to school in the morning.
TBC