CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE: Enough
Spike left and Buffy slowly made her way up to her bedroom, running the events of the day through her head again and again. It never ceased to amaze her how much could change in such a short period of time. Only three weeks ago she was with Riley, albeit unhappily, but she had enjoyed her friendships with Cordy and Angel in that time. It was clear not whose side they were on, though, and yet she couldn’t help but wonder if she had just done things differently, if she was honest from the get-go and up front about her relationship with Spike from the beginning, maybe Cordy and Angel would have liked him, and welcomed him into their little clique.
Buffy released a small sigh as she stepped into her bedroom and closed the door behind her. Even if Cordy and Angel had welcomed Spike, he himself wouldn’t have gone for it. That sort of thing just wasn’t his style. Spike was a Shawn Hunter type; the cool kid who wouldn’t leave his less fortunate dorky friends behind, and Buffy liked him better that way.
Calmly, Buffy walked over to her bedside and sat, placing her hands carefully on her lap and looked around the room. Nothing moved or made any sound, save for the gentle spring breeze blowing her curtains around. She was just left with one simple question.
Where did she go from here?
x X x X x X x
Spike couldn’t help but feel a little let down. He knew it wouldn’t be as simple as a clarification of misunderstandings and a few simple smiles to get them back in each others arms, but he still hoped it would have. All he wanted at this point was to go back a couple of weeks, wipe them clean and start fresh.
As he trudged up the stairs to his room he found his energy was deflating, and slowly and lazily he peeled his jacket off, leaving it in a heap on the floor just inside his bedroom door. He needed a shower; he needed to ease the tension out of his neck and shoulders, his whole body, with some hot water. Maybe he’d even get some sleep tonight, knowing now where he stood, and that Buffy didn’t hate him nor did he hate her, and maybe now he could sleep well, dreaming of good things to come.
x X x X x X x
Willow hung up the phone with Buffy and smiled to herself as she snuggled herself down under the comforter and into her pillow. Progress had been made, finally, for Buffy and Spike. Their little relationship drama shouldn’t be a main concern for the intelligent red-head, but undoubtedly it was and it was a weight lifted off her chest knowing that her two newest friends, who she’d become quite fond of over the weeks and months, weren’t going at each others throats anymore. It made for one hell of a collective sigh of relief, and a very good night.
Willow flipped off the light on the bed side table and let sleep take her with a smile on her lips.
x X x X x X x
Xander smiled and nodded his head at the instant message he’d found waiting on his computer when he’d gotten out of the shower and come back down to his room. Things were finally settling down a bit. It was comforting and warming to find that things were finally looking up again. Perhaps the end to their senior year in high school would be better than any of them had anticipated.
x X x X x X x
Days passed and Buffy and Spike had found themselves falling into a mostly comfortable and only slightly awkward routine of riding together to and from school. Most days Willow and/or Xander would ride home with them, making the silence a little easier by providing a distraction from the other. A conversation between three or all four of them was much easier than when they were alone. The more they were alone, greater was the possibility of the topic of them coming up.
Spike was grateful and irritated at the same time. Grateful that she was there with him in his car, albeit in the back seat with red, but she was there and speaking to him. It was driving him crazy not knowing what was going through her head, though, and he found himself fearing she would like him better as a friend than a lover.
There was no way he would ever be able to keep himself at a distance, to be a friend and nothing more. Already the urges to hold her hand or wrap an arm around her shoulder or pull her into a kiss was so strong. The only thing keeping him going was the promise of eventually. She had, after all, said this tentative relationship wouldn’t be forever. He just hoped it didn’t take too long.
The car was mostly quiet, save for Xander singling along with the radio, and Spike found himself looking into the rear view mirror to look at Buffy without her knowing it. Mostly she would be chatting with Willow and staring out the window, but this last time when he looked back at her she had her hand cupped next to Willow’s ear as she whispered something to her, smiling as she did so. His eyes darted from the mirror to the road and back to the mirror again and he watched Willows reaction. She smiled and looked excited. Why? He really wanted to know. The smile on Buffy’s face when she pulled away had him very intrigued.
Spike looked back to the road. “What’s all that about, then?” he asked, shifting slightly in the drivers seat.
The girls looked forward and feigned innocence.
He looked at them in the mirror once again and arched his scarred brow. “Secrets don’t make friends, ladies, especially not in my car. What’s going on?” It was really none of his business, he knew that, but you can’t blame a bloke for trying.
Buffy leaned forward slightly in her seat. “Wil’s gonna come over my house for a little bit, okay?”
Xander frowned. “What about friendly Friday movie time at Spikes?”
They all looked at him with raised eyebrows. He sunk deeper into his seat and hugged his book bag. “What? You all can experiment with quirky vocabulary but I can’t?”
The group ignored him and Willow piped up. “We just need to do a little girly bonding and then we’ll be over. We can watch the movie then.”
Xander perked up again. “Girly bondage?”
Spike and Buffy made eye contact in the rear view mirror again and Spike quirked a brow at her, setting her cheeks on fire and causing her to look away abruptly.
Willow leaned forward and smacked Xander on the shoulder. “Bond-ING, Xander. Get your mind out of the gutter.”
Xander rubbed at his arm where Willow had hit him and moped. “I really need to get a girlfriend…” The other passengers in the car chuckled.
Spike pulled into his driveway and he and Xander quickly got out, pulling their seats forward and doing the gentlemanly thing by holding out their hands so the girls could hoist themselves out of the back seat. Buffy blushed when her hand was encased by Spikes, and she let it linger there a little longer than need be before pulling her hand back and stepping out of the way of the closing car door. She stared silently at him for a moment before clearing her throat and stepping backwards toward where Willow now waited for her at the foot of the driveway. “Thanks for the ride… again.”
Spike nodded and before he knew it she had her back turned to him and she and red were practically running across the street to the Summers’ home. Spike suddenly felt like he was missing something. All week she had been normal and talking to him, and now out of no where she was quiet and reserved again. He couldn’t help but feel like he’d done something wrong to cause the distance.
Xander came around and gave him a slap on the back, bringing him out of his thoughts and toward his front door.
x X x X x X x
Buffy lay flat on her stomach on her bedroom floor as Willow looked through the large tub of nail polish colors on Buffy’s desk. Buffy fiddled with the dials on her stereo, trying to find a descent station that would actually play more music than commercials. She had finally decided on a station when the sultry beat and all too familiar imagery of the song caught her attention.
Willow walked over to her and handed her a bottle of dark red polish that contained a little shimmery glitter. “This one, please.”
Buffy grabbed the bottle and propped herself up ob her elbows, shaking then unscrewing the cap as Wil sat on the bed before her, leaving her bare toes within a foot of Buffy’s reach.
Without a word Buffy began painting the shiny vibrant polish onto Willows normally goofy-sock-covered toes. Willow watched with a smile, and though once again how much she loved having Buffy as a friend. Xander would always be her best friend, there was no doubt, but his male-ness definitely inhibited their ability to do certain girly friend things together. She’d never had this kind of friendship before, and she was certain Xander felt the same way about Spike. He’d had Jesse up until freshman year, then his family moved away, and Xander seldom heard from him anymore. Maybe having Spike as a friend would teach Xander the ways of cool so he could impress a girl, then she could bring Oz along and they could be a six-some rather than a four-some. That was, assuming Buffy and Spike ever fully worked things out between them.
The room was quiet, save for the stereo playing as Willow was lost in her own thoughts, much like Buffy. As she moved to paint one toe, and then another, and then another, Buffy couldn’t help but listen to the words of the song that played. What goes around comes around. Sure, it was a silly pop-riddled Justin Timberlake song, but the words rang true enough, and in an instant they hit close to home.
The song no longer felt like it was playing on the stereo, instead it felt like it was playing right there in her head, complete with a montage of her with Riley, her lying to Riley, being with Spike, her fight with Spike, Parker… everything. Only, instead of feeling bad for herself, or feeling kind of down, like the song sort of made you feel, she just felt responsible. She had brought all of it on herself. If only she had opened her eyes sooner she would have seen right through Riley. It wasn’t that it had snuck up on her; it was that she just simply hadn’t wanted to see.
Spike had been her savior from the grips of a stupid teenage clique and a potentially abusive relationship with someone she barely had any feelings for. He was what she hadn’t even known she was looking for, and she’d probably screwed all that up because of fear. She was afraid of what her friends would think, and so she’d lied, and before she could even come clean and fix it, make it right, she’d gotten caught.
She had figured Spike wouldn’t care, but she’d actually hurt him with her actions and though she had never intended it, he was hurt the most.
Selfishly, instead of giving him the time he deserved to forgive her, she fired one back at him by accepting a date with someone she didn’t even know. Caught off guard by the presence of his vile ex, she’d tried to retaliate. She was more than lucky to have gotten out of that party with nothing more than a sore wrist.
Spike was there for her that night despite the animosity between them. He was genuinely concerned for her, and he’d looked past his jealousy and resentment and asked if she was alright, knowing damn well she’d put herself into that position. She barely managed to thank him for his support and concern that night.
Replaying everything that had happened should have made her feel bad, and it did, to a point, but what mostly came of all of it was one simple acceptance. She was the common denominator in all of it. It was time for her to make a change, because if she didn’t she would never find happiness in this. Her poor decision making would haunt her forever, and that was certainly something she didn’t want.
Buffy screwed the cap back on the bottle of polish and stood, walking over to her bedroom window and peering out, ignoring her friends questioning stare. “Hey, Wil?” she asked, holding the curtain aside with one finger as she continued to gaze outside. She didn’t wait for the girl’s response. “Have you ever woken up one day, and all the things that were so important to you the day before, just seem so stupid now?”
Willow was at a loss for words, unsure of where this was suddenly coming from. And also, a little sad that Buffy only painted eight of her toes….
Buffy shook her head and let the curtains drop back into place. “I don’t want to live like this anymore,” she chuckled dryly. “It’s only been a couple weeks and I already know I hate it,” she said turning and looking to her friend. “If this is how this relationship is going to be then I don’t want any part of it.”
Willow felt all the hope she’d had stored up just completely drain out of her. She had been certain that things were finally changing for the better, and then Buffy threw this one at her. Willow pleaded with her eyes for her to say something different, but Buffy looked away and excused herself from the room, completely done with the discussion, and done with the topic all together.
x X x X x X x
Spike and Xander sat in Spikes bedroom, on the desk chair and on the floor, respectively, playing a game of rummy in silence. It was nearing seven o’clock and they were still waiting for the girls to arrive so they could watch their usually Friday night movie rental. Spike was becoming a bit agitated. He’d never spent so much time in one bedroom with only another guy. Not that he really had a problem with Xander, it was just… weird.
Spike threw his final hand down, exasperated. “That’s it. I’m out. One more bloody game and my head’s gonna pop off.”
Xander dropped his cards and sighed. “Oh thank you…” he said glancing at the alarm clock on the bedside table. “What do you think is taking them so long?”
Spike shrugged and wheeled his chair over to his bedroom window, pulling the blinds open and looking across the street. The only light on in Buffy’s entire house was her bedroom light, signaling they were still in there, doing god only knows what. “To hell if I know,” he murmured as he turned away from the window, letting the blinds fall back into place as he looked at the brunette boy sitting on the carpet.
Xander spared a look of sympathy and perked up a little. “Maybe they’re working on getting Buffy all sexed up and they’re gonna come over here and Buffy’s gonna be all ‘I’m so sorry I was a bitch, let me make it up to you! No, don’t get up; stay right where you are… I’ll get a pillow to kneel on…’”
Spike quirked a brow and glared at the boy. Xander snapped himself out of his mini-trance and looked up at the perturbed man. His face went red and he chuckled. “Did I say that out loud? I meant to just think it… Not that I think about Buffy on her knees a lot, er, at all, never really. This was the first and only time I swear…”
Spike just gave him a look and shook his head.
Xander gulped. “I’m gonna stop talking now.”
“Yeah,” Spike said and leaned back in his chair again. “You do that.”
Xander put his hands up in mock defense and leaned back against the foot of Spikes bed. “Don’t sweat it man. I’m sure they’re just over there giggling and putting makeup on each other to get dolled up. You know how girls are… they like to look good when they’re gonna see a guy.” Spike turned his chair around and pulled the blinds open again. Xander shrugged and mumbled to himself. “Or so I’ve heard…”
As Spike looked across the street again he sat up in his chair. “The light’s off now. They must be-“
As if on queue the doorbell rang, signaling company. Spike tried not to look too excited when he and Xander shared a look and stood at the same time. Xander put a hand out to his friend as he made his way to the bedroom door. “I’ll get it. Get yourself manly so you can woo your woman,” he said before leaving the room.
Spike felt uncharacteristically nervous. Things were finally looking up and he needed very badly not to screw this up. Quickly he made his way into the adjoining bathroom and splashed a tiny bit of cologne on himself while simultaneously checking in the mirror to be sure he looked descent.
His chest felt tight and he himself felt like at any moment he would burst into a fit of giggles like a school girl on her first date. He was beyond excited to finally have her back in his home again. There was no other girl like Buffy and he knew without a doubt that he was in love with her. Whoever thought that young adults their age couldn’t know the meaning of love was a blind idiot as far as he was concerned, because of this feeling coursing through him at the though of being with Buffy again wasn’t love, then he couldn’t even imagine how powerful and overwhelming it really did feel like. All he knew for sure was that he needed her. When she was around he felt so alive, truly happy in a way he hadn’t felt since before his parents died. She made all the bad things around him seem tolerable, and if he couldn’t be with her then none of this nonsense he had to put up with day by day was worth it.
As he sprayed some mint in his mouth he heard footsteps coming up the stairs and hushed voices. His heart started to beat so fast he thought he might have a heart attack. It was quite the rush, something he felt pretty often around Buffy. She was his drug of choice, so to speak. The only thing that continually sobered him up was the possibility that she might want to remain just friends. It had been a week of comfortable friend-conversations and hanging out amongst others, and it had been good fun. Hopefully she wouldn’t get cold feet and want to stay that way. At this point that was Spikes greatest and only fear. They had already made it through so much; he couldn’t bear it if she gave up on him now.
Hushed voices could be heard just outside his bedroom door, and Spike took one last look at himself in the mirror, smiling to himself as he stepped back into his bedroom and looked toward the door.
Xander was standing just outside the door with his back to him as he spoke to whoever was just around the corner and out of sight. Spike waited somewhat impatiently as he couldn’t quite make out what he was saying before he couldn’t take it anymore and he cleared his throat. “Ahem…”
Xander looked briefly over his shoulder and his eyes fell, looking back to the hallway before stepping aside and letting Willow into the room. Only Willow.
Spikes face fell from one of excitement to one of confusion as he leaned to the side and looked past Xander, and saw no one. Where was she?
Spikes confused eyes met Willows worried ones and he didn’t miss how she fidgeted under his stare, definitely not a good sign. His confusion turned to disappointment. “What’s going on?”
Willow looked sympathetically to her friend, taking in his freshened up state and manly-cologne scent. Her heart sank and her shoulders slumped. “She’s not coming.”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I know what you're all thinking... Whaaaaaaat? An update? No way... Well, yes way. I know, I can't believe it either. But, what can I say? Progress is progress. I even have a good chunk of chapter 26 written... maybe if I get me lots of reviews it will get me writing a little faster...*winks*
Chapter End Notes:
If anyone's confused by my Shawn Hunter reference he's a character from a tv series called Boy Meets World. If you haven't heard of it or seen it, find a copy and watch it because it's the best! Behind BtVS of course, =P
Please don't make me beg... cause you know I will!!! R&R!!!!
Please don't make me beg... cause you know I will!!! R&R!!!!