CHAPTER TWENTY SIX: She loves me, She loves me not
“She’s not coming.”
Spike stared blankly at the red head, frowning; telling himself there was no way he’d just heard that. He was imagining it, his mind playing cruel tricks on him. “Beg pardon?”
Willow looked nervously over to Xander who kicked an imaginary piece of lint, and she looked back at Spike again. “She’s not coming. She changed her mind.”
Spike took a deep breath and let himself sit on the edge of his bed with a slight bounce, running a hand through his hair and letting his gelled locks spring loose. Willow and Xander watched as he let his arm fall to his lap and as he shook his head to himself. “What exactly did she say?” he asked sadly.
Willow didn’t want to answer that question, because the more she said it the worse it sounded, and she was very much not for hurting her friend when she knew what he wanted. Reluctantly she replied. “She said she didn’t want to live her life like this anymore. That she hates it and she’s done.”
Spike visibly flinched, as did Xander upon hearing Buffy’s statement. She had seemed so normal all week; they had no idea that was how she truly felt. Willow could already see the look of guilt appearing on Spikes face. Her heart ached for him.
“Spike, this wasn’t something you could have helped. She made this decision all on her own.”
Spike shook his head. “No. No, she made this decision because of me. Bloody fuck up is what I am.”
Willows eyes went wide and she shook her head at her friend, but Spike continued before she could protest.
“Just… put the movie in. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
Willow and Xander shared a look and the red head reluctantly took a seat on the floor in front of the television. She had no words to even try and explain Buffy’s actions, or to make him feel better about what was happening. The two of them were quite the emotional roller coaster. They just seemed to have stalled out at the bottom of a big U.
Xander sighed and stuffed the tape into the VHS player. He wasn’t exactly feeling up for a movie night after seeing the utter disappointment and hurt on his friends face. It wasn’t something that would just fix itself, he knew that. But for his friends’ sake, he really wished it would.
Taking his spot on the floor next to Willow he breathed out a tired sigh and pressed play.
Spike shifted himself up toward the top of his bed, leaning against the headboard as he flipped open his cell phone, hoping but not expecting to find a text message waiting for him explaining things. He wasn’t surprised when nothing was there. Sighing away his disappointment he snapped the phone shut and tossed it aside, pissed and annoyed by the way it seemed to mock him with its inactivity. The entire situation exhausted him. He tried so hard to stay positive and tell himself good things would come in time, but the waiting was killing him. He was a purely passionate person by nature, and all this sitting around doing nothing was driving him completely sack of hammers.
There was a nagging sensation in the back of his mind, though, that maybe something was wrong. Sure, Willow said that Buffy not coming didn’t change how she felt about him, but what if while Willow was using the bathroom Buffy had talked herself out of giving him a chance? What if that ice queen Cordelia had gotten to her and Buffy went back to being a bitch and Willow just didn’t notice? That thought made him feel guilty. What if, quite simply, she just plain didn’t want him? For all he knew, this could be her subtle way of telling him she just didn’t want to even try and work things out.
Just then, a thought, or memory rather, popped into Spikes mind and he instantly hated himself. They had all been sitting in the car joking around and, he though, having a good time. Xander had been a whelp and said something about girly bondage and… he hadn’t meant to, but his eyes had gone to her, and he was surprised when her eyes met his too.
Spike wasn’t the brightest, and he knew well enough not to open his mouth or he’d wind up saying something stupid or awkward, and so he’d kept his gob shut. But his damn eye brow had a mind of its own and he couldn’t help but give her a look. He never was one for shyness or modesty. He didn’t mean to offend her, or make it seem like he was expecting something from her tonight, but now he had that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that told him she had gotten that vibe from him, and now she’s run scared.
Spike clenched his jaw and shook his head to himself. “Wanker,” he whispered to himself.
Willow heard him, and she looked at him out of the corner of her eye, feeling a mixture of anger and sadness.
Spike let his head fall back against the headboard again and tired telling himself that just because she wasn’t here right now didn’t mean she wouldn’t be here eventually. His sodden eyebrow betrayed him and she felt pressured, and because of the pressure so soon after they’d both agreed to take their time, she’d gotten scared, or offended, or some combination of both, and stayed home.
Willow didn’t even know what the movie was called. She hadn’t paid any attention to it since the moment she took her seat on the floor next to her best friend. Even when she’d tried, her eyes would blur and her ears would stop listening and all she would hear was her own voice rattling on, or she’d hear Buffy or Spikes voice in her head. The more she thought on their stubbornness and stupidity when it came to decision making, the madder she became. They were equally to blame for everything that had happened, and her sympathy for them was faltering.
She was done being the middle woman. If they were going to work things out, they were going to have to do it on their own.
x X x X x X x X x
Buffy sat on the steps of her back porch, wrapped in her own arms as she watched the sun set beyond the trees. A small smile tugged at her lips as the continuous feeling of relief and excitement coursed through her. For the first time in a long time, she felt relaxed.
The decision she’d come to make was all her own, with no outside influence of any kind. She’d lost some life long friends, and it opened her eyes to what she wanted back, to what she missed. This was going to be for the best, she knew that, and nothing was going to have her second guessing herself this time.
“Buffy?” Joyce called from the doorway, pulling Buffy from her inner thoughts. “Buffy, honey, what are you doing out here all by yourself? It’s Friday night, aren’t you going out?” she asked as she came to stand beside where her daughter sat.
Buffy shrugged and pursed her lips, keeping her eyes forward. “Just thinking, I guess. And watching the sunset…” she sighed. “Don’t feel much like going out right now.”
Joyce gazed down on her daughter, amazed at the changes she’d seen in her in the recent weeks. Gone was the superficial bubble gum blonde beauty queen. Here before her sat an older, wiser, and more grown up and loving version of the girl she raised. Part of her was sad to see her growing up, the other part couldn’t have been more proud.
“What are you thinking about?” Joyce asked, her voice filled with hope. It wasn’t exactly normal for her teenage daughter to open up and tell her what was going through her mind, but with the changes she could always hope she’d open up to her.
“Buffy smiled slightly but kept her eyes trained forward. “A little bit of everything, I guess.”
The elder Summers woman took a seat on the deck next to her child and pressed her upper arm against her own, silently offering her support. Joyce knew it wasn’t her place, and that she shouldn’t stick her two cents in when it was not asked for, but she felt that sometimes a mother had to butt in to try and help in any way she can. Sometimes a mother needed to guide her daughter…
Joyce looked forward to where Buffy was looking and sucked in a deep breath through her nose. “You’ve seemed so down lately, and I know you’ve been through a lot for such a short period of time…”
Buffy pursed her lips and nodded, picking at her fingernails to keep herself busy while she listened.
“The last thing you need right now is someone telling you what to do…”
Buffy looked up at her mother, expecting a lecture about her recent behavior. Her mom was probably embarrassed by everything she’d done to draw attention to herself, to their family. Buffy felt bad about the possibility that she had shamed her mother, and that thought was the only thing that kept her silent as her mother continued to speak.
“But, Buffy, you need to make a choice here. It kills me to see you this way. You used to be so fun loving and full of life.”
“Mom, I have made a choice. And it may not be one that everyone loves but it’s what I want right now.” Buffy turned her body toward her mother and sighed. “I know I’ve made stupid choices the last couple of weeks and I don’t know how many times I can say I’m sorry… but I’ve made my decision and I’m not changing it.”
Joyce was a bit taken back, not expecting that from her but also impressed by it. “Buffy honey what happened with Parker happens to a lot of girls. I’m not glad it happened, but I think it was a really good learning experience for you, and I’m very proud of the way you handled yourself, the way you’re still handling yourself, so don’t ever think that I’m disappointed or embarrassed by what happened,” Joyce smiled. Buffy smiled back. “And I want you to know that I support whatever your decision is… just so long as you’re genuinely happy with that decision…” she said giving her daughter a pointed look.
Buffy kept her eyes down but smiled. “Yeah… I am happy.”
x X x X x X x X x X x
Spike turned the lights on as Willow rewound the tape in the VCR and Xander stood and stretched. The movie had ended and yet, Spike hadn’t watched so much as a minute of the film. He had stared at the screen as it played, but he hadn’t actually watched it. There wasn’t anything that would have been able to hold his attention after that blow.
There was an awkward silence between the three friends, all of them knowing what was going through Spikes mind, and yet they knew there was nothing they could say that would make the situation any better. They’d tried, and they’d failed. If things were going to work out between the two of them it had to be because they needed it to, not because their friends wanted it to.
Xander sighed as he stood near the doorway to the hall. “Hey man, I think we’re gonna hit the Bronze before heading home. Maybe shoot a game or two of pool. You game?”
Willow looked over at him, hopeful that he’d just say yes and that he could finally get his mind off of things.”
Spike sucked in his bottom lip and shook his head, looking tired and understandably agitated.
Xander and Willow shared a look and Xander nodded, reaching out and giving Spike a supportive yet manly slap on the back before leaving the room, pulling Willow along with him. The two friends quietly moved down the stairs and over to the front door, waving and bidding Mr. Giles goodbye before leaving the home.
Once the cooling night air rushed across their faces Xander let out a sigh and Willow spoke. “Are we really going to the Bronze?” she asked as she looked up at him.
Xander shrugged and stuffed his hands in his pockets, sparing a glance toward Buffy’s house as they walked by. “Yeah, I think I’ll stop in and see what’s going on since the rest of my Friday night had been a bust. I’m pretty much feeling the anger for ye old platinum one and need to blow off some steam. You in?”
Willow nodded. “I think Oz said the Dingoes are playing tonight and I wouldn’t mind seeing him after.”
Xander’s head dropped as she semi-nodded and pouted. “Man, you and Oz… Spike and Buffy. Well, you know, formerly. I’m feeling like third-wheel-Xander.”
“Well technically that would make you a fifth-wheel.”
“Not helping, Wil.”
“Sorry. You’re actually not one anyway, seeing as this whole Buffy Spike thing pretty much blew up in our faces.”
“Yeah. You know, I know Spike really screwed up with the whole Dru thing, and Buffy was pissed, but if she’s gonna keep blowing him off like this then she should just tell it to him straight and let him go. There’s really no need to mess with his head like this…”
Buffy listened from the other side of the fence as Willow and Xander slowly walked by her house, and the pangs she had just managed to push away were already back again, poking at her incessantly and making her heart sting.
Once they were out of ear shot she sucked in a quivery breath and turned back toward her back door, swiftly moving back into the comfort and safety of her home.
x X x X x X x X x X x
Spike stared at the ring on top of his dresser, thinking about how nice it would have been to see Buffy wearing it. He’d dug it out of his things weeks earlier, before everything with them had blown up in hi face. He’d wanted so badly to give it to her, and earlier today he thought he’d have the chance to give it to her again, but the more he thought on it, the less likely it was going to be.
With a sigh of defeat he set the ring down in front of the newly framed picture of Buffy and himself and pulled his shirt up and over his head as he walked into the bathroom. A hot shower to ease away the tension sounded like a solid plan right about now.
He turned the hot water knob all the way over and watched as the room quickly filled with steam, then tweaked it with a smidge of cold water simply so it was bearable and watched as the mirror fogged up.
All he wanted to do was forget. Forger Buffy, forget school, forget ever coming to Sunnyhell and meeting these people. Things had been much simpler when hr was back at home. Even after his parents had passed he at least had Dru. Then he came here and she’d given up on him. He supposed she should be used to abandonment by now, but even with time it didn’t hurt any less. It couldn’t.
Spike dropped his pants and stepped into the steady stream of water, pulling the curtain closed behind him and letting the hot water wash away the forgotten pain and aggravation the events of tonight had stirred up.
x X x X x X x X x X x
A little over an hour had passed, and Xander watched from one of the many futons in the Bronze as Willow left hand in hand with Oz and the rest of the band, a beaming smile on her face. His moping and self pity immediately set in.
He had looked around for Anya when they’d arrived but he didn’t see her anywhere. They’d danced around the possibility of a relationship for weeks now, and she’d even made the effort to go out with Willow without him there, doing anything to help and get in his good graces. And yet, he was afraid of taking that next step. He’d never had an actual girlfriend, only casual flirtatious encounters and a movie date or two. He just didn’t know how to take his relationship to the next step, to finally just ask Anya to be his girlfriend.
Sure, she was odd and she always spoke her mind whether it was appropriate or not and no matter where they were. But he liked that about her. It set her apart, and she was cute, and funny, and for some reason unbeknownst to him, she was attracted to him.
Willow was with Oz now, so there was no using the ‘don’t want to lose time with my best friend’ excise. And after watching what Spike and Buffy had… before their relationship imploded… Xander realized that was something he wanted too.
With that thought making his final decision, Xander stood from his spot in the cozy club and made his way out the door, letting his heart guide him toward the girl he hoped would welcome him with open arms.
x X x X x X x X x X x
Spike stayed in the shower until the hot water ran out. He let the changing temperature on his sensitive skin be a welcome distraction, and although it worked well at first, eventually even the ice cold water thundering down on his skin wasn’t enough to keep all thoughts of Buffy from his head.
He’d exhausted himself running all the different scenarios through his head. All of the ‘what ifs’… Nothing made him feel any better. In fact he was sure he’d only made himself feel worse. The only thing he felt like doing now was crawling into bed and hoping to god that when he woke up in the morning he could start this day all over again.
Spike grit his jaw and wiped his hand over the mirror, wiping away the steam and watching as gravity pulled down water droplets through the rest. He sighed and looked at his reflection, shaking his head and dipping his fingers in some hair shaping cream, running his hands through his hair to keep it back and out of his eyes. He wasn’t even sure why he was doing it, he wasn’t going out, he wasn’t going anywhere… but his brain was mush with everything moving so fast and in every other direction.
He took his towel from around his waist and dabbed at his shoulders and neck, wiping away any stray water droplets as he stepped out the bathroom and into his bedroom, stopping in his tracks when he looked up.
Buffy stood from her spot at the end of Spikes bed; her eyes brimmed with tears as she looked wide eyed up at him.
“Buf-“
Buffy held out a hand to silence him. “Don’t.” She took a deep breath and steadied herself. “Don’t talk. I need to talk.”
Spike swallowed hard and blinked away his surprise, but remained silent like she’d asked. If the look on her face was any indicator, though, this wasn’t going to be a good speech.
Buffy let her hands drop to her side as she looked at him. She was so tired of feeling awkward around him. She missed the exciting feeling she used to get when she saw him or knew she was going to see him. She missed the feelings she got when he would smirk or smile at her from across the room. She missed the butterflies in the pit of her stomach when she heard his voice. She missed him.
But why should she? Why should all of these amazing things be memories when they could be everyday? She looked into the deep ocean blue of his pained eyes and she knew.
“I don’t know how we ended up here… where we are with each other now. When I think about everything that I did, and everything that you did… it makes me mad, and it hurts. But the feelings I get when we’re together… the anger can’t even compare. It doesn’t even cast a shadow…”
Spike blinked rapidly and shifted his weight from one foot to another.
“Some people would say that for this to work, we would have to start over again, create a friendship and rebuild our trust in one another,” she said as she shook her head, never once taking her glistening eyes off of his. “But I am so tired of the stupid teenage high school drama. I’ve had about as much of it as I can take.”
Spikes shoulders dropped.
Buffy swallowed hard. “Can we just skip it?”
Spikes mouth opened as he let out the breath he was holding and his eyes bore into hers.
Buffy tilted her head and held back her tears as best she could. “Can you just be kissing me now?”
The words had barely made their way out of her mouth before Spike had her in his arms, lifting her off her feet and fusing his mouth with hers. An enormous weight had been lifted and he was pretty confident that if he tried right now, he could fly.
Tears streamed silently down Buffy’s cheeks as she held Spikes face in her hands, kissing him like she’d never get to do it again. Both of them struggled for air, but were too afraid to back away even for a second, too afraid that this was all just some elaborate thought out day dream. Oxygen was demanding entrance though, and they parted just far enough so that Spike could press his forehead against hers.
“I thought I’d lost you…” Spike whispered as he caressed her arms with his thumbs.
Buffy smiled and wiped a tear from her cheek as she looked into his watery eyes. “You’ll always find me.”
TBC
[Reviews - 117]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 1296 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
:)
Chapter End Notes:
I really need your feedback on this one people. Please let me know what you think! This story is nearing its end...