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Author's Chapter Notes:
Ok guys, saddest chapter yet. I'm sorry for those who hate it but its gotta get bad before it can get good.
7 weeks

That was how long it had been, and those 7 weeks had been filled with message after message from Spike.

She was proud of herself for being so strong but it didn’t mean that she didn’t hurt every day, that she didn’t feel a stab of longing every time his voice rang out from her machine. She ached for him.

Her apartment however had never looked better, the walls were freshly painted in warm earthy tones, new cushions adorned her sofas, her bed had new linens and kitchen stocked with new plates and cutlery. She lounged on her sofa, a book in her hands and her cat Monty curled up next to her. She was relaxed in her blue gym shorts and a white tank.

She ran her fingers through Monty’s thick coat, he purred in pleasure she smiled down at him. a sharp knock on the door jolted her and sent Monty skidding off the couch and to the door, yowling loudly. Who needed a guard dog?

She walked over and pulled the door open.
There he was

All the burning and longing and needing intensified, she itched to run her fingers through his hair, to pull him close and breathe in his scent, to just be in his arms again.

“Oh so you are alive” he said in a sarcastic tone

She blinked a few times, unsure what to say “Um…” she licked her lips “How did you get in?”

“Bribed the doorman to let me up” he pushed past her and walked into her apartment

“How did you know where I lived?”

He looked at her “I pay attention, listened when you told cab drivers and such”

She felt oddly touched that he knew that small piece of information “What are you doing here?” she asked in a small voice

“Came to see if you were ok” he crouched down and scratched Monty behind the ears, the cat melted into Spike’s hands and Buffy was incredibly jealous. He looked back at her “You haven’t been returning my calls or even answering your phone” he stood up and walked over to her “It’s been 7 weeks Buffy, you tryin’ to give me the brush off?”

She glanced down at her feet, shuffling slightly, she looked up, he was closer then she expected. “We want different things Spike” she whispered

“What? It’s been over a year and you decide now that we want different things?”

She sighed heavily, this hurt so much to say, she had hoped he would just forget about her and she would eventually move on “We’re to different Spike, we are different people who want different things”

“I want you Buffy” he said in a voice so sincere that it broke her heart

“You say that now but-” her voice cracked “You can’t even make room for me in your life” her eyes welled up “I won’t hear from you in weeks and then all of sudden you call me over for one night”

“I call you when I have time Buffy, the second I have time I ring you” he said in a voice that was almost pleading

“No because even when you do have the time you hold me at arm’s length” she wiped away her tears, embarrassed to be crying in front of him “You won’t even hold me after we make love”

He looked at the pain in her eyes, the pain he caused. He had no idea he had made her feel this way, no idea that he had pushed her so far. He looked away, ashamed of himself “I’m sorry Buffy” he backed away slowly, before turning and heading for the door.

“I’m in love with you”

Those words stopped him, his hand on the door handle. Words he had never heard said to him, words that had such emotion and meaning behind them.

“I needed to say that, I needed you to know before you walked out” it was easier to speak when his back was turned “I’ve been in love with you since the night we met” she closed her eyes “But it wouldn’t work because I want somebody who loves me with everything they have, somebody who makes time for me and wants to be with me… someone who can give me a drawer at their god damn apartment” She was really crying now, her words coming out in harsh sobs.

He squeezed the door handle so tight his knuckles turned white, god the sound of her crying hurt him in ways he didn’t know he could hurt. But he couldn’t give her those things; he couldn’t be the man she needed. He didn’t even know how to be that man.

She stood there sobbing, wishing he would turn around. Hoping he would run to her and scoop her up and never stop kissing her. He didn’t move, he stood there with his back turned, his hand grasping the door handle. “Please just go Spike” she squeezed her eyes shut so she wouldn’t have to see him leave.

The sound of the door slamming broke her heart.

*****************************

Buffy tried to hail a cab but her arms were so laden with bags that she struggled to raise her arm high enough. It had been 3 weeks since she ended it with Spike and she had since then maxed out 3 credit cards, she was going for a credit card a week.

As the fourth cab drove by without slowing down she decided that this was her punishment for spending too much, she turned and began slowly walking down the foot path. The people of New York rushed around her but she didn’t notice, the bustle of the city and the deafening noises fell on deaf ears.

Somebody bumped into her causing her to stagger lightly on the footpath, but again she didn’t notice.

She was passing a Chinese restaurant. It was the best on this block, it served her favorite lemon chicken and he was a fan of the duck omelet. It had been there Chinese restaurant. They would come here on a Sunday night and order take out, they’d go back to his apartment, eat it in bed and then they would make love.

A lone tear trickled down her cheek; her hands were so full that she couldn’t brush it away. So she let it make its path down her face, a tiny, salty badge of heartbreak.

She continued her walk. A man selling flowers waved a bunch of lilies under her nose, the sweet smell bought a soft smile to her lips. He had bought her lilies. The day after their first night together she had opened her door to find 6 young men, each carrying huge vases full of lilies. Her apartment had been filled with the sweet aroma for weeks.

Would she ever stop thinking of him?

Everything she did, everything she saw reminded her of him. This entire city was full of memories that had once made her happy but now all they did was hurt her.

She needed to get away.





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