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Chapter 23

Buffy and Willow made it outside just in time to see Spike drive a stake right into the chest of a vampire. Spike, bleeding and hunched over, panting, collapsed to the ground, and Buffy ran to him.

“He…jumped me. I thought…I couldn’t…” He gasped for breath, and Buffy and Willow helped him sit up. Buffy looked around for any sign of another assailant, but there were none. “He was just…normal. Like normal.” He coughed. “I could barely hurt him, Buffy.” She touched his shoulder, and he winced.

“It’s dislocated,” she said softly. “Come on. Let’s get you inside.” She and Willow tried to help him up, but he shook out of their grasps.

“I can manage.” Buffy and Willow backed away, realizing his ego had been bruised, and Buffy felt a twinge in her heart, as Spike struggled for breath as he limped back to the hotel room.

“I’ll leave you guys alone,” Willow said softly. “See you in the morning?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Wil.” Willow hugged her friend, said goodnight, and headed off to her hotel room. Buffy lingered in the parking lot for a moment, giving Spike a little space, before she headed in to help him clean himself up.

She was silent as she entered the bathroom, where he was dabbing at his lip with a wash cloth. One of his eyes was already getting a dark ring around it. Buffy leaned against the door frame, crossing her arms as she gazed at him. She forced back tears that were threatening to flood her eyes. Spike looked at her out of the corner of his eye.

“Sorry I didn’t get your, uh, your peppermint stuff.”

“I don’t care about that,” Buffy replied. “What happened?” God, the way he was bent over the sink, wincing in pain…she just wanted to go over and hold him, but she knew he was too sore for that. Still, something had to be done about that shoulder.

“He just came out of nowhere. So I just charged at him, and…”

“And you didn’t know your strength.”

“Well, I do now. I don’t have any.” Buffy moved across the bathroom silently and wrapped her arms gently around him, like a calming breeze. And then she grabbed onto his arm and tugged on it until it the shoulder popped back into place. “Bloody hell, woman!” He groaned in pain, rubbing his sore shoulder. “You get it?” Buffy, having had a few dislocations in her days as a Slayer, felt gently around the tender shoulder, and she nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Well, at least we know. I’m bloody useless.”

“That’s not true,” Buffy replied sternly. “Here. Let me.” She took the washcloth out of his hands, but he snatched it back quickly.

“This I can do.” He turned back in the mirror to make sure he was stopping the blood from flowing out of his lip. It had stopped, but it was tender, and it would be swollen in the morning. “Probably won’t heal as fast either.”

“Are you done?”

“What?”

“Feeling sorry for yourself? Because I can take you to Angel and have him turn you back into a vampire if that’s what you want. Of course, you’ll risk losing your soul again, but if being strong is that important to you…”

“Wait a minute, Buffy.” Spike turned to face her. “That’s not what I’m saying. You don’t understand what it’s like to lose your strength.”

“Actually, I do. Happened to me years ago on my birthday, because Giles injected me with something, and…it was awful…”

“But you got your strength back.”

“Maybe you will too.”

“Who are you trying to fool, pet? It’s gone. I’m bloody useless to you.”

“No you’re not. Don’t say that.”

“It’s true. I did my part, and I guess the bloody amulet decided that I was done being the hero. Now I’m no better than…”

“Spike,” Buffy insisted, following him into the main part of the hotel room. Spike began to remove his shirt, and Buffy could see a large bruise forming on his side. He grimaced, and she immediately went to her luggage and found her post-patrol gear, bandages and antiseptics included. Buffy immediately began to wrap it around his waist. “I don’t think it’s broken, but you’ll need to keep it wrapped a few days, and try not to strain it.” She helped him into a clean shirt, and they slowly sat down on the edge of the bed together. “You’re not useless. Believe me. But you don’t have the strength you once did, and that doesn’t make you any less of a man in my eyes.”

“Did you have this same talk with Captain Cardboard when he was having trouble handing the fact that you could beat the snot out of him in a second?”

“Even when you were a vampire, I could beat the snot out of you in a second. That’s what comes with being the Slayer, and no, I don’t care if my boyfriend is as strong as me or not. I care about this.” She placed her hand over his heart. “And this.” She took his hand and placed it on her belly. “And this.” She leaned in, gently kissing the corner of his mouth that wasn’t aching. I care about you. I love you. I don’t care if you aren’t strong enough to pick me up and carry me to our bed. Well, seeing as I’m getting to be as big as a Chirago demon on steroids, you probably couldn’t even if you had your strength.

“I want to protect you,” he finally blurted out. “And them.” He caressed her belly. “I know you’re the Slayer. Girl power and all that, but right now, I want to protect all three of you, and I can’t.”

“We’re doing just fine.”

“I…” You can’t imagine what it’s like. I love you, but you have no idea. You have no idea how empty it feels to not be able to rely on the one constant you’ve had for over a century. “You deserve…”

“If you say I deserve better than you one more time, I’m getting up, walking out of here, and I’m sleeping in Willow’s room tonight.” Spike opened his mouth to speak. “Don’t. I’m not finished. Nobody gets to tell me what I want. For years, I had people telling me to do this or not do that. I had to lie to my mother about who I was so I could protect her, and all I wanted to do was curl up and lay my head in her lap at the end of the day and cry about how hard it was. But I couldn’t. I had Giles ordering me around like I was some toy soldier, and even though he had the best intentions, all I wanted to do was do it by myself, which I learned how to do. Yes, you helped me, but Spike, you don’t have to worry about me.”

“I saw what they did to you. One of them, down in the Hellmouth. Buffy raised her shirt, showing him the faintest white scar that seemed bigger due to her growing belly.

“It was clean. Healed fast. But you won’t heal fast, so you can’t go charging in like that.”

“Are you trying to lecture me, Slayer?”

“If it helps, then yeah. It’s late. Let’s just get some rest. I can get you something for the pain.”

“I can take it.”

“You don’t have to be like that. There’s no shame in letting people help you.”

“I don’t need help. I’m fine, luv. But you’re right. We should rest.” Spike gave her a kiss on the cheek, something he rarely ever did. It was such a human gesture. Well, he is human. He pulled the covers back and slowly slipped between them. Buffy slipped under them as well, and she lay next to Spike, arms folded across her midsection. She didn’t want to try to cuddle and risk hurting him more. But when she felt his hand seeking out hers, she smiled, took his hand and gave it a little squeeze.

“G’night, luv.”

“Goodnight, Spike.”

***

“Red? You up? Open up, Red!” Willow woke to this and the banging on her hotel room door. She turned on the bedside lamp, blinked to let her eyes adjust, and she hurried over to open the door, wondering if something had happened to Buffy.

“Spike?” She unhooked the door chain and unlatched the dead bolt. When she opened the door, a very bruised, very urgent-looking Spike stood before her, one hand placed protectively against his sore rib. “What’s wrong? Is it Buffy?”

“No. She doesn’t know I’m here. She’s…I need your help. Can I come in?” Willow was a little nervous now. What did he want in her room for? What did he want that Buffy couldn’t know about? For a moment, a thought ran through her head that she immediately disregarded, and she realized that whatever it was, Spike was worried.

“Oh…uh, sure. C-come in.” Willow stepped aside, and Spike came in. He looked around, paced for a few moments, and finally turned to look at Willow, who stood with one hand on the doorknob just in case this whole turning human thing was only temporary, and Spike was actually a vampire without a soul or a chip again. “Spike?”

“You have to do something. You have to fix me.”

“What?”

“Fix me!” he exclaimed, causing the witch to jump. “I can’t live like this. I can’t…”

“Spike, you’re human, you…”

“I’m weak. I’m…I can’t do a bloody thing to protect my family.”

“Spike.”

“She’s the bloody slayer. I’m…I’m a vampire in a living body. Don’t you get it? I don’t care about the blood or the kill anymore, but the strength. I need that, Red. I need it, because…without it…without it…” Without it, I’m no better than the sniveling poet who had his heart trampled on. “Please. Help me.”

“Spike, I don’t know what…”

“There has to be something. I can’t go through this life like this.” He sat down on the edge of her bed, his head in his hands, and Willow’s heart went out to him. He was begging her. He seemed genuinely afraid, not for his life, but for theirs. He really had changed. “I can’t be the man I was before I turned. He’s the kind of man…the kind of man that…he was spineless, Red. He’d get hurt and wouldn’t fight for his dignity. I can’t be that man. I have to be better than that. For her.”

“Spike, being human isn’t as bad as…”

“It’s not that,” he said, cutting her off. “I’d rather be human. I’d rather not be everything Buffy stands against. I don’t want that. I want to be the kind of man that doesn’t make her sick to her stomach to love.”

“You aren’t. She loves you. You should see that. I can see it, Spike.”

“I know she does. She might swear against it, but I know…I know, one day she’s going to realize that I can’t do anything for her.” Willow swallowed a lump in her throat.

“Buffy loves you, Spike. Believe me. We…we talked about it. She smiles every time she talks about you.”

“Yeah, now. But ten years from now? Twenty? If I even make it that long. If she even…” He hung his head. “I don’t want to be a demon. I want to be a man. I want to be a strong man.” Willow leaned against the door, closing her eyes, weighing her options. She could research, find a spell, make him strong again and risk complications, or she could turn him down, ultimately crushing his spirits, and in his mind, sealing his fate. Nobody ever said being a witch was easy. “Look. I know she loves me. I see it in her eyes. I feel it every time she touches me. But I hate that I can’t be strong for her.”

“Strength isn’t just physical, Spike.”

“No, but in her world, it’s a pretty big part.”





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