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Chapter 7

“Thanks,” Buffy murmured, as she took the cup of hot chocolate into her hands. She blew over the top, sending tendrils of steam rolling off like mist off of a lake. She closed her eyes, inhaling the scent of chocolate, sparking the memory of Spike sitting in her kitchen drinking some of Joyce’s famous hot chocolate. Of course, moments later, Buffy had had him on his back on the counter, threatening to stake him. Still, she smiled at the thought of the big, bad vampire asking for mini marshmallows for his cup of cocoa.

“You feeling better?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I guess so. I mean…Spike’s alive.”

“Well, no more than he was before.”

“I know,” Buffy replied. “I don’t…I don’t know what to say to him, Angel.”

“I can’t help you there,” Angel replied. Buffy nodded, understanding that hearing her talk about her feelings for Spike wasn’t easy for him.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do. About him, I mean.” She looked down at her stomach. “I’m terrified.”

“Of him?”

“Of me. Of being a mom. My mom was the best mom I knew. And when I tried to be a mom to Dawn, I failed miserably.”

“Doesn’t mean you will this time,” Angel replied.

“No, because according to the prophecy, I’m gonna die before I get the chance to be his mother.”

“That won’t happen. I won’t let it.” He reached over, placing his hand over hers. She felt the chill of his touch, and she closed her eyes, remembering the way Spike’s cool touch could feel so warm at the same time.

Her eyes flew open, and she pulled her hand away.

“Sorry,” Angel said gently.

“No, it’s…it’s ok.” She sighed heavily. “I just wish I could relax for once. Ever since I found out about the baby, I’ve been worried. I’ve been figuring out ways to fight and keep the baby safe at the same time. It’s getting harder to do.” She shook her head. “But if the prophecy’s true, then all the girls Willow turned into slayers will lose their power, and I’ll die. Who’s gonna be here to fix things? There’s Faith, but...can she do it on her own?”

“She won’t have to. Buffy, you’re not gonna die. We will figure this out.” She shook her head. “Prophecies aren’t always what they seem.”

“But this is the first time we’ve ever had to deal with something like this. I mean…the son of a vampire?” She saw him draw away again, his eyes darken. “This isn’t natural, Angel. We both know that. But that doesn’t mean this child doesn’t deserve some sort of a life. A good life.” She sighed, shaking her head. “We’re in uncharted territory here.”

“Not exactly,” Angel murmured. Buffy glanced at him curiously.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing. I…” She knew the tone in his voice. It was a tone that said he didn’t want to talk about it but he knew something she didn’t. She also knew that he wanted to get it off of his chest, but he couldn’t find a way to put it into words. So, she scooted to the edge of the chair and reached over, taking his hand in hers. Despite the things that had transpired between them, he was still the first man she’d fallen in love with.

“Angel.”

“I can’t talk about it. It’s not…”

“Hey…”

“No. It’s too…I’m not supposed to…”

“Angel, whatever it is…” Angel looked into her eyes. He saw something there, something that devastated him. She was no longer his. The look in her eyes was one he’d heard hurt more than hate. It was one of understanding; of friendship. But not of love. She no longer looked at him with the eyes of a teenage girl, innocent and excited by his mysteriousness. She’d grown into a woman, a mother, a powerful warrior. And she was going through something completely unheard of. Only, it wasn’t to him.

“I have a son.” He winced at his folly. “Had.” Buffy’s eyes widened, but she didn’t take her hand from his. “His name was Connor.” He smiled a little at the memory of those cherub cheeks and that sweet little smile.

“How?”

“There was a prophecy,” he said with a shake of his head. “Long story short, Wesley took him, thinking it would protect us both, and an enemy of mine…he took him and raised him as his own in another dimension.”

“Angel…”

“When he came back, he hated me. He hated everything I was, and I tried to help him, but there was no saving him, Buffy.”

“Oh God…”

“That’s why I’m here. I made a deal with the senior partners. They wanted me to take over Wolfram and Hart, and I told them I would on one condition. They had to change Connor’s memories. Give him a family that would love him. Make sure he wouldn’t remember the things he’d done…the way he was hurting and how he hurt other people.”

“That must have been terrible,” she breathed. “The others? Do they know?”

“They don’t remember. I’m the only one that remembers.” He shook his head. “It has to stay that way.”

“I understand. I…I won’t say anything.”

“The prophecy was that the father would kill the son, Buffy.” He looked up into her eyes. “Now you know that there is a way to stop this.” Buffy slowly nodded, believing him fully. She squeezed his hand.

“We will,” she said quietly. “We will.”

***

She lay awake, unable to even suppress a yawn. She was completely alert, despite her body’s exhaustion. She couldn’t stop thinking about where Spike might be, what he was doing. And there was no way of finding him. Of telling him he was going to have a son.

Shaking her head, she rubbed her temples. What was he going to think to see her like this? From everything he knew, vampires could only be sires, not true fathers. What would he think? She knew Spike, and she knew he’d jump to some conclusion, go off the deep end, and it would be a long, drawn out fight just to convince him that he was the father, even if it seemed impossible.

Buffy was completely on the alert, and her chest was aching from stress and the need to see him again. She just couldn’t lie around and wait for him to come to her, could she? But she couldn’t go out there in the world searching for him, while the future of her own life and her child’s were so uncertain.

She pulled herself out of bed and headed over to the balcony door. She threw it open and stepped outside. The breeze was cool, and she pulled her robe around herself tightly. She stared out over the city, listening to the faint sound of car horns and sirens over thirty stories below.

“Where are you?” she whispered, as if the wind would carry her whisper from her lips to his ears. She sighed heavily, feeling a sinking in her chest. Her heart should be alive with joy at the news of his return, but instead, she felt increasingly grief-stricken, knowing he was back and yet she was only now finding out. She understood his reasoning for not telling her, but at the same time, she felt as if he’d taken something away from her. Was he that much of a dope that he truly believed she didn’t really love him?

She turned and walked back into the room to glance at the clock. It was only eleven. Pondering her actions for a moment, she finally sat back down on the bed and picked up her phone. Dialing the numbers carefully, she sunk back into the pillows and waited for that familiar voice.

“Hello?”

“Xander?”

“Buff! Hey! How are you?”

“I’m…I’m ok. Just trying to go to sleep.”

“Something wrong?”

“I have a lot on my mind.”

“Like what?”

“Long story short?”

“Please. I’ve been listening to the Buffybot tell stories of your life in full detail. She’s even drawing diagrams.” He heard a giggle from Buffy on the other end, and it was like music to his ears. “See, it can’t be that bad. I got a laugh out of you.”

“It’s not bad. It’s good. Well, you won’t think so. But that’s why I called.”

“Explainy?”

“Well,” Buffy said quietly, “Spike’s back.”

“What?”

“Yeah, don’t ask me how, but he is. First he was a ghost, and now, well, he’s not.”

“Okay…”

“I haven’t seen him. I don’t even know where he is. I just found out, and…well, apparently he’s looking for me.”

“Well if he ends up here, I’ll…”

“I don’t think he will, Xander,” Buffy said quietly. “I’m just confused. I want to be mad at him for not letting me know. Not letting the others tell me. Of course, they’re partly responsible. They have mouths, and they were corporeal when he wasn’t. They could have…”

“You weren’t exactly the easiest person to find, Buffy. Remember, going off to find Slayers and kick demon butt in the Big Apple?”

“Yeah,” Buffy muttered. “Still…I feel like I should be angry, but I’m more…upset than anything. So, I need you to give me a reason to be mad at him.”

“Oh, then you’ve called the right man, my friend.” He cleared his throat. “Let’s see. Okay. Well, for starters, he’s tried to kill you how many times?”

“That was before the soul, Xander.”

“Oh. So we’re just doing after-soul stuff?”

“Yes.”

“Well…he beat up Robin.”

“Robin tried to kill him.”

“Well, he…he said he’d kill him if he attacked him again.”

“And I told Robin I’d let Spike kill him.”

“Oh. Uh, well, he…he stayed in your house for months, and did he pay one single bill?” Buffy sighed heavily. “He did make you buy Wheatabix and went through a box a week. Oh, and waking up every morning to find a coffee mug with dried blood in the bottom? Guhh!” Silence on the other end. “Is it working? You’re not even annoyed?”

“Not really. I mean, I can’t blame him about the blood. I mean, vampire. And he says the Wheatabix makes it taste better. If I had to drink blood for the rest of my life, I’d try some new recipes too.” Buffy cringed at that sentence. “And it’s not like any of the companies we owed money too were still in town toward the end. Nobody wanted to be near the Hellmouth, with good reason, too.”

“Well, I don’t know what to tell ya, Buffy. Believe me, I want more than anyone, for you to be mad at Spike, but I can’t make you mad at him. Maybe wait until you see his face, and then you can tell him…”

“How much it hurt when he left?”

“You could punch him in the nose a couple of times…for me?”

“I’ll think about it,” Buffy mused. She sighed and shook her head. “Sorry if I bothered you.”

“Hey, I’m never too busy for you, Buffy. Don’t forget that.”

“Thanks. I’ll talk to you later?”

“Yep. Good luck at getting mad at Captain Peroxide.”

“Good luck with the Buffybot. Hope she doesn’t short circuit on you.” After another few goodbyes, Buffy finally hung up, and she listened to the sound of wind rattling the bullet-proof, and vampire-protective windows, and she wondered where Spike was and what he was doing. She only hoped that he was still the same man she’d had to say goodbye to. She hoped he was still fighting for the good cause and wasn’t taking this new chance in life to revert to his former ways.

In her heart, she knew he never could. He had a soul now. Still, it worried her that he might have been tempted with her not being in his life anymore. With a shake of her head, she decided that she had more faith in him than that. He was good, and they would be reunited in time. She only hoped it was sooner rather than later.





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