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Chapter 14: No More Secrets

Once Buffy climbed up the ladder, she saw no sign of Xander. She quickly adjusted herself to make sure all of her clothes were on decently, and she pulled her coat on. Outside the door, Xander was pacing angrily. He looked like a father trying to come up with some kind of lecture for his teenage daughter after catching her with her boyfriend.

He turned when he heard her clear her throat, and he came at her.

“What the hell was that, Buffy?”

“Xander, it’s not really…”

“Not really my business?”

“Well…no. It’s not your business.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“I don’t think that matters, Xander,” Buffy said, furrowing her brows. “What I do with Spike is my business, just like what you do with Anya is yours.”

“You aren’t comparing your relationship to that thing with my relationship to Anya, are you?” he asked, his eyes narrowing. Buffy sighed heavily, crossing her arms to cease her desire to punch him in the face.

“What’s wrong with Willow? Where is she?” Xander was silent for a minute, but when Buffy’s eyes widened, he gave in.

“Tara walked out on her.”

“What? Why?”

“She didn’t say on the phone. When she hung up, I was heading over there, but I figured she could use you too. She didn’t try to call you?” Buffy considered explaining that the underground of Spike’s crypt didn’t exactly get the best signal, but she figured that’d only make it worse. She just shook her head.

“So you’re lying to all of them?”

“Xander…let’s just…” She started off, throwing her hands in the air, stalking off toward home. Xander jogged to catch up.

“No. No, I’m curious. So when did it start? Before you died? After you came back? All this time?”

“Xander!” Buffy exclaimed. “It’s none of your business! I don’t have to tell you everything that goes on in my life. It’s not like you ever really approved of any of the guys I’ve dated, so…”

“Dated? You’re…you’re dating him? Buffy, that’s worse!”

“What?”

“If you were just…just using him for sex, that’d be one thing, but you’re dating him? You have feelings for him?” Buffy could have said anything, but he was being childish, so she decided to go that route. She folded her arms again as she walked.

“So?”

“So?! He doesn’t have a soul, Buffy!”

“You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t lay awake some nights wondering how he can be who he is and not have a soul? You don’t know anything about Spike…”

“I know he’s a vampire. He’s a killer. What else do I need to know?”

“If you took the time to stop being such a jerk, you’d see that he’s not like other vampires.”

“Oh yeah. The ‘he’s not like other guys’ speech,” Xander said with a roll of his eyes.

“Well, he’s not,” Buffy said with a shrug.

“This is wrong, Buffy. You’re a Slayer!”

They turned onto Revello Drive, and Xander continued talking.

“I’m guessing it started after you came back. You were different toward him.”

“And why shouldn’t I have been?” she asked, not even attempting to deny it. “I wasn’t here, but everyone talked about how he stuck around and helped.”

“Yeah…”

“Would someone as evil as you claim Spike is have stuck around to take care of my little sister when I was dead? Don’t even attempt to say it was to get into my pants, because, hello, I didn’t have any pants to get into! I was dead and buried…in one of the ugliest dresses I’ve ever seen, by the way.” Xander was caught off guard. “Spike stuck around, because I asked him to protect Dawnie, and he did that. He protected her through Glory and through my being dead and everything. And when I came back, I felt like I could talk to him, because I was afraid…”

“Afraid of what?” Xander asked. Buffy sighed, shaking her head. “Buff?”

“I was afraid…I was afraid of letting you know that I was happy where I was. I was finished. And then you brought me back and…and now…”

“Now you wish we hadn’t?”

“Not now,” she admitted. “But at first…yeah. In some ways.” His features softened for a minute. “And I could talk to Spike about it.” His features hardened once again.

“So you decided having sex with Spike would be easier than telling your friends how you really felt?”

“I didn’t want to hurt anybody!” she yelled. “Xander, you didn’t go through what I did.”

“The hell I didn’t!” he yelled back. “You jumped off that tower and left us all to pick up the mess! Do you know how hard it is to try to explain exactly how you died after you fall off of a tower at that height and have no broken bones? Or…or how you try to plan a funeral and keep the obituary out of the paper, because you don’t know how to tell anybody else that your best friend died, because you’re not sure if it really happened or if it was another one of those Slayer things, where there’s always an answer for bringing you back? Well, this time, there was! I’m not sorry we brought you back, but if you’re spending your time with Spike…how is that any better from being dead?” Buffy couldn’t control herself, and she actually surprised herself when her hand came in contact with his cheek.

“You don’t know anything about me and Spike,” she spat. “So just shut up about it.” Tears were stinging her eyes, and when she turned around to avoid the hurt expression of Xander’s face, she saw that they were standing in front of her house. Without a look back at him, she stalked up the steps and into the house, slamming the door behind her.

***

Spike leaned against the wall of the Summers’ house and took a long drag on his cigarette. He’d heard the whole of Buffy’s conversation with Xander. He’d followed them, staying in earshot until he’d heard the slamming of the door, while Xander looked on in shock as his friend walked away from him. When Xander had disappeared inside to beat Buffy to Willow’s door, Spike had headed off around the house to keep listen, just in case things were to get out of hand. He wasn’t ready to go back to the crypt yet, and he was sure Buffy wasn’t going to go back to him tonight, but he wanted to be there just in case she needed him.

He could hear the witch crying in her room, and he could hear the attempts of Dawn and Xander knocking at her door. But, when he heard a familiar voice, he perked up.

“Wil? Open up, it’s me,” Buffy said softly as she tapped on her friend’s bedroom door. A sleepy Dawn had woken up when she’d heard Willow sobbing to Xander on the phone. Now, she was downstairs with Xander, who hadn’t even been able to get Willow out of her room. He felt a little hurt by that, considering he and Willow had been best friends since Kindergarten, and she’d called him. But, now, she wouldn’t come out for anyone.

To Buffy’s surprise, the lock turned, and she heard footsteps retreating across the room. She turned the knob slowly and entered the room. Willow was sitting on the bed again, and she had a suitcase packed beside her.

“Wil? What’s going on?”

“I…she left me, Buffy,” Willow cried. “I…I can’t believe she left.”

“What happened?” Buffy asked softly, crossing the room to sit next to her friend. Willow shook her head.

“It was awful, Buffy. It was…it was my fault.” Buffy furrowed her brows and placed a hand on her friend’s shoulder. “I…I called Giles. He’s coming to get me.”

“What are you talking about, Wil?” Willow sniffled, taking a few shaky breaths.

“He’s taking me to England. He…he wanted to take me right after he came back…when he found out how I brought you back. I didn’t think I needed it, but he’s taking me. It’s…it’s kind of a rehab for witches.”

“You’re going to stop being a witch?”

“Not exactly,” Willow explained. “It’s…well, kind of like Hogwarts in Harry Potter.”

“Seriously?” Willow shrugged.

“If you study and do things right, you become a more powerful witch,” she explained. “But they teach you how to control yourself…how to...use the magicks only when you need to.” Buffy still looked confused. “Tara says I use spells too much, and I know she’s right. It’s just…at first it was easier, but now…”

“What happened tonight, Wil?” She could see the hesitation in her friend’s eyes. “Willow? Talk to me.”

“We were talking about you and…and Spike,” she explained. Outside, Spike’s cigarette dropped from between his lips, but he didn’t make a move to pick it back up.




“Me and Spike? You told Tara?”

“You said that I could…I just…”

“No, no. It’s ok. I don’t mind,” Buffy assured her. “Why though…”

“I told her I was worried about you.”

“What? Wil, I said I could take care of myself. I meant it.”

“I…I know. I just…I thought that maybe the spell…when I brought you back…” She looked away. “I thought maybe something went wrong. I thought I changed you somehow…because I didn’t know how you could go from…from how you used to feel about Spike to actually…well, sleeping with him.” Outside, Spike felt a little sting in his undead heart.

“Wil,” Buffy said, a little unnerved, “I told you I’m fine.”

“I…I know,” Willow stammered. “I just wanted to make sure. I wanted to know that I didn’t do anything wrong. Tara didn’t want me to do a spell, but…but I did anyway, and she found out.”

“What kind of spell?” Buffy asked quietly, trying to control her own worries now..

“It wasn’t anything that could hurt you. I just wanted to see what you saw…so I could know if you were the same...if I’d done something wrong.”

“And?”

“And…you’re the same Buffy. There’s…there’s nothing wrong with you. I just wanted to make sure you were ok. If I knew it could hurt you or change things, I never would have done it,” Willow explained quickly. “I just wanted to make sure I did things right. And I did! But she left me, and I couldn’t explain. But she’s been warning me for weeks. I guess I just…I thought I could do anything, because I had the power to.”

“Wil,” Buffy said quietly, “you know I love you. You know I’m your friend, but you…you thought something was wrong with me. I told you I was fine.”

“I know, Buffy! But…it’s…well, it’s Spike.”

“That doesn’t matter, Wil. Being with Spike is my decision.” Spike strained to hear more outside the window. “Just because I choose to be with him doesn’t mean something’s wrong with me. Sure, he doesn’t have a soul. Sure…it bothers me sometimes. But, I don’t think about it when I’m with him. He’s not…it’s not like you think. He’s not…he’s not evil, Wil. I don’t know how things would be if he didn’t have his chip, but I like to think it wouldn’t be any different.” She swallowed hard. “I don’t know…maybe it would be different, but it’s not like that now, so I don’t care. Wil, you can’t do spells on people just to make yourself feel better.”

“I’m sorry, Buffy,” Willow cried. “I didn’t think…I didn’t think it’d hurt anything. It didn’t.”

“Not this time. But, Wil, your spells haven’t always gone to plan. Things could have turned out…”

“That’s why I needed to know. You came back, and that was good, and you were getting better. But then…Spike…I just…I had to know.” Buffy sighed heavily.

“I’m fine.”

“I know that. Now…”

“And I want you to be fine too.”

“That’s why I’m going. I…I didn’t think I was hurting anyone until she walked out, Buffy. I don’t wanna lose her.” She was sobbing again, and Buffy gently rubbed her shoulder. “You don’t have to stay. You must be…”

“Pissed? I am. A little. But you’ve been here for me when I needed you. Yeah, you did a spell, yeah, you thought something was wrong with me, but you were worried about me, and I can’t be mad about that.” She hugged her friend. “But I don’t want you to stay.” Willow looked up at Buffy when they parted.

“You…you don’t?”

“I want you to leave with Giles…and I want you to become the best witch you can be…and learn how to control yourself. Then I want you to come back, and I’ll help you…”

“You don’t have to…”

“Wil…we’re friends. That’s not gonna change…unless you turn me into a toad or something.” Willow couldn’t help but smile a little.

“I don’t know how long I’ll be gone…”

“That’s ok. You still have a place to stay when you come back. Don’t forget that.”

“I’m…I’m really sorry, Buffy. I did what I thought was…”

“I know.” A car pulled up outside, and Buffy looked toward the window. “I think Giles is here. He’s…well, he’s gonna want to know what happened, and I guess the bright side is, he won’t be too mad at you when he learns I’m sleeping with Spike.” Willow cringed.

“Yeah…I guess,” she breathed. “Alright…I’m ready. I…I just wish Tara…”

“I’ll talk to her,” Buffy promised. “I’ll tell her where you’re going. That’s a step forward, right? She can’t be too mad about that.” Willow felt the tears receding, and she nodded. She knew she didn’t deserve a friend as good as Buffy, but she thanked her lucky stars that she was fortunate enough to have her. “Come on. Let’s go. I was hoping to have Spike here for this, but it might be better this way.” She pulled her arm around Willow, and the two headed downstairs to face Rupert Giles.

***

“Willow, go wait in the car. I’ll be out in a moment,” Giles said slowly, never taking his eyes off of Buffy.

“But…”

“Go!” he snapped, his patience short with her, but not as short as it was with Buffy right now. Willow quickly picked up her bag and left to head outside. Xander and Dawn were right behind her. Giles was too angry to even take off his glasses.

“How long has this been going on?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Buffy replied shortly.

“Bollocks!” he spat. Giles rarely used that kind of slang, but when he did, it meant he was pretty pissed off. “What were you thinking? I mean…were you even thinking? It’s Spike for God’s sakes! He’s a demon! An evil one at that!”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Giles. You don’t know Spike…”

“You sound like a child!” he growled. “After everything Angelus did? After Jenny…? You still think spending your time with a vampire is a good idea? Or have you conveniently forgotten the past?”

“I haven’t forgotten anything!” she yelled back. “But Spike isn’t Angelus!”

“There is no difference except for a piece of government plastic! That’s the only thing keeping him from being the same…the same…animal!”

“That’s not true! He’s never been…”

“You’re blind,” Giles said with a delirious chuckle. “You have no idea the way the world works. What was I thinking ever believing you could handle things on your own? You have a lot to learn.”

“I know enough,” Buffy seethed. “And you should know enough to know that when I’m pissed off, I’m stronger than ever, so maybe it would be a good idea if you left. We’ll talk about it when you get back from England.” Giles and Buffy were at a standstill, and the threat hung thick in the air.

“We do have a lot to discuss, and mark my word, Buffy,” he warned, “I’m not blind to the demon he is. If he so much as crosses a line while I’m gone, I’ll put a stake through his heart the moment I return.” With that, he stormed out the door, leaving Buffy shivering and alone inside. But, she felt an odd comfort wash over her when she felt those cool hands on her shoulders.

She spun around and did exactly what he didn’t expect her to do. She hugged him. No. She clung to him. His arms were strong around her, and his chin rested atop her head. She was crying now, and he didn’t know what to say or do, because what he was about to do was going to hurt her. Or maybe it wouldn’t. He could never be sure.

He held her, though, for as long as she needed until she began to pull back.

“Buffy,” he said quietly, gently squeezing her shoulders. She wiped her eyes and looked up at him.

“Sorry. I’m just…they don’t understand.” She stepped back a little, not able to read the expression on his face. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Buffy…I…I don’t know what to say.”

“What do you mean? Say what?”

“Probably the worst timing anyone’s ever had,” he breathed, his hands still fixed on her shoulders, as if he wanted to keep her from running after he said what he had to say.

“Just say it,” she said, her body stiffening under his touch. “What?”

“I have to go,” he whispered. She flinched.

“Go? Go where?”

“I…I just have something I have to do, and I have to leave for a while.”

“I don’t understand.” She shook her head, trying to speed up her thoughts, which seemed to have slowed tremendously. “You’re leaving Sunnydale?”

“I have to, pet,” he whispered. “There’s something…”

“You’re leaving? I…I can come with you,” she said quickly. She had to get away anyway. Get away from Xander and from the emptiness that the house was going to have now that neither Willow and Tara would be there. “Where are we going?”

“I…I have to do this alone, pet.” The look of hurt in her eyes had his head screaming at him to take it back and to forget he’d even said it. But he couldn’t.

“Oh,” she whispered, wrenching out of his grasp. “You’re…are you…breaking up with me?”

“No! God, no, pet,” he urged, stepping toward her again.

“Then what…”

“I have something I have to do. I just…I have to do it alone.”

“You’re scaring me,” she remarked, shivering as his hands found hers. “Why won’t you tell me?”

“Because…I…” He shook his head. “I love you, Buffy. I’m not leaving you. I just have to…leave for a little while.”

“How long?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’re…you’re coming back?”

“I’ll always come back, pet,” he promised.

“I can go with you,” she pointed out.

“No you can’t, luv. Your little sis needs you right now, and the hell mouth isn’t going to defeat its own demons.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“You heard what he said better than I did. You saw the look in his eyes. You know he means it.”

“Who?”

“Giles.”

“What’d he…”

“He’s right. I’m no better than…than Angel after he lost his soul again,” he muttered. “All that’s keeping me like this is…is this bloody chip.”

“That’s not true,” Buffy said a bit angrily. “You know that. You’re not a textbook case. Remember?”

“I remember, luv,” he whispered, caressing her cheek. “But I’m not…”

“Not what?”

I’m not the kind of man you deserve, he thought. He bit his tongue. “I’m not…I can’t explain. I have to do this.”

“Do what?!” she asked, getting annoyed now, still worried, because she’d never seen him like this.

“Trust me,” he pleaded, kissing her forehead and then her lips. “Trust me.”

“I…I don’t know what to say, Spike. You’re just…you’re leaving and…”

“And I’m coming back. You’ll see…you’ll understand when I come back. I have to do this.”

“What do you have to do for yourself that’s so important you’re leaving in the middle of the night?”

“It’s not for me, pet. Not completely. It’s for both of us. It’ll make it right.” He kissed her once again, holding her tight against him, feeling her shaking with fear and confused anger at the same time. “I’ll be back, pet. I wouldn’t dream of never seeing you again.” He kissed her one last time and then he was gone, leaving her with only the memory of a cool touch against her warm lips. She ran to the window, hearing a motorcycle rev up somewhere down the block. The roar of the engine dissipated as he grew further away, and then there was silence.

She sat down slowly on the couch, the big, empty house closing in around her. She could hear Dawn and Xander talking out on the porch. She could still smell the scent of Spike’s leather coat, his cigarettes, his cologne. She could still hear the echoes of Willow’s cries upstairs and Giles’ angry yelling. Only, everything was different now. Willow and Giles were gone. Spike was gone. She was left with her little sister and a friend that might not be a friend anymore. What the hell had just happened?

***

“She broke through two sets of restraints in the last two days. She’s getting stronger,” a young nurse said, as she looked up at the older gentleman standing next to her. “She’s sedated now, but as you already know, she’s stronger than most patients, even under heavy sedation. If I may suggest so, Dr. Monroe, I think she needs to be moved to a more secure…”

“This is a maximum security prison, Nurse Wheeler,” Dr. Monroe snapped. “There’s nothing else to do for her but continue to sedate her and hope that…”

“Hope that what, Sir? That she doesn’t find a way to break down the steel door? Forgive me, doctor, but I think she might be strong enough to do just that.” The nurse walked off, and the doctor stepped closer to the small window in the door to look at their prisoner. She was strapped down to her bed. Both wrists and both ankles were strapped tightly to the mattress, while three thick belts held down her chest, her stomach and her hips. He watched as even in her sedated state, she struggled mercilessly against her restraints.

“Excuse me, Dr. Monroe,” came a voice from nearby. The doctor turned to see a man about his same age walking toward him wearing a tan coat and carrying a briefcase. Three men in business suits stood behind him.

“Mr. Travers,” the doctor said with a respectful nod. “I was just keeping an eye on the patient…”

“How are her vitals?”

“The same. But she’s growing stronger each day.” Quentin nodded.

“The Council has a more suitable facility for her transfer. We’ve come to collect her.”

“You don’t understand, Mr. Travers. She killed three guards last month when they tried to take her down for tests. Unless you have a better sedative…” One of the men behind him took out a syringe and a clear bottle. Dr. Monroe cleared his throat and stepped aside. “She’s all yours, Mr. Travers.” Quentin stepped up to the door and peered in at the young woman.

“We’re taking you home, Dana.”


Chapter End Notes:
Don't kill me or form a mob or anything like that. Trust me! Just...trust me! :)



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