Chapter 15: Slip of the Truth
“Hello?” Her voice sounded like she’d gargled with glass shards.
“Buffy?”
“Spike?!” she asked, sitting straight up in bed. “Where the Hell are you?”
“I was calling to check on you. It was awful timing…”
“That’s the understatement of the year,” she fumed. “What the hell was that? You just left, Spike. You didn’t say where you were going…you didn’t…”
“Buffy, luv, I’m sorry,” he breathed. “It’s just…hearing you talking to Willow and to the old man…I just…I had to do this.”
“Do what?”
“I…I can’t tell you.”
“Then why the Hell are you calling me, Spike?” Not only did he hear the anger in her voice, but he heard worry too. He felt a lump in his throat at the thought of it. “Where are you?”
“I’ll be home soon, pet. I promise.”
“How soon? And how do you know you’re gonna be welcome when you come back?” She was testing the waters. He knew it.
“Do you want me to come back?” Buffy sighed.
“I should really hate you right now,” she muttered. “You ran off just as soon as my best friend was off to the airport. I think that earns you the ‘most moronic boyfriend move ever’ award.”
“I’ll make it up to you, pet. I just…I had to go just then. I’d have brought you with me, but it’s something I have to go through alone, and I know you won’t understand until I get back. If you’ll listen.”
“It’d better be a good explanation. And I mean really good. Don’t expect me to forgive you just like that. You’re going to have a lot of making up to do.” She could hear him smile on the other line.
“I’ll do my best, pet,” he promised. “Just try not to have any dreams about staking me while I’m gone.”
“You’d better have a really good reason for leaving when you did. Because Xander’s going to be here soon, and I’m sure he’s gonna have nothing but bad things to say about you, and how am I supposed to defend you when I’m this pissed off?” Spike paused on the other line, and Buffy closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead.
“Just remember,” he began, “that I’m doing this so I can be better for you.”
“What does that even mean?” Buffy asked.
“Exactly what it sounds like.”
“Look, Spike, I don’t care, ok? I like you just the way you are. You can’t…”
“Trust me, pet.”
“No. I don’t.”
“Sure you do.”
“Ugh. It’d be easier to hate you,” she muttered. He chuckled on the other line. “Oh no. You don’t get to laugh about this. I’m still mad.”
“I know, luv. I’m sorry. I have to go now.”
“When will you be home?”
“I’m not sure,” he explained. “It depends...”
“Fine. I’ll be here. Hating you.”
“You wish.”
“Ugh.”
“I love you,” he whispered. She shivered.
“I…” She stopped herself. “Bye, Spike.” She hung up the phone and flung it across the room. Dawn came rushing into the room, still in her pajamas. Buffy looked at the clock. 7:15.
“Are you ok?” Dawn asked with wide eyes.
“Fine. That was Spike.”
“Is he ok?”
“He’s fine,” Buffy remarked through gritted teeth.
“And…how about you?” Dawn smiled nervously.
“Gee, I don’t know, Dawn. One of my best friends is running off to England for witch school, my other one is disgusted with me, the man who’s been a father to me for the past six years looks like he’d rather kill me than let me date Spike, and my boyfriend has run off to parts unknown to do something that’s apparently going to make things better for us, but he doesn’t have the decency to tell me what that is!” She took a few deep breaths.
“I can, um, stay home from school today if you want.”
“You’re not using me as an excuse to skip school,” Buffy muttered, climbing out of bed. “Come on. I’ll make you some breakfast.”
“It’s ok. I already ate.”
“What’d you eat?” She watched her sister squirm. “Dawn?”
“Ok, ok. A brownie and a slice of cold pizza.”
“Yum,” Buffy said quietly, her stomach rumbling. “Eat something green and leafy at lunch. Oh yeah. And drink milk.” Dawn made a face, but she didn’t protest. “Go get ready for school. I’m not going to break.”
“Yeah, but every girl I know that gets dumped by her boyfriend…”
“I did not get dumped,” Buffy scoffed. “He even made sure to tell me that’s not what was happening. Stupid vampire and his stupid secrets.” She kicked the wall.
“Um, Buffy? Probably shouldn’t make any new holes in the wall. I mean, we’ve only got so much money.” Buffy made a face in return, and she stormed down the stairs to find something to eat for breakfast.
She grabbed an apple off of the counter and headed out onto the back porch. Sitting down, she peered out into the yard. She realized she hadn’t had much outside time during the day lately. Usually, if Spike was over, she was keeping him otherwise entertained. Still, it didn’t bother her much that she didn’t get much alone time anymore. She liked spending time with him. Of course, that was until he had to mess it all up by going off by himself.
She tried hard to be angry enough with him that she could be fine without him there, but it didn’t work. It would’ve been better if he had gone off without any explanation and hadn’t called. Then she could be really pissed. But, he said he had a good reason, and he even apologized for the awful timing.
She took a bite of apple, but found she had no appetite. She tossed it aside and stretched out her muscles. With a sigh, she realized that she should probably go by the Magic Box and train today, even though that meant she was probably going to have to see Xander, since Anya would be there and everything.
Screw it, she thought. She decided to stay home and work out in the basement. There was a punching bag there at least, though the most action the basement had seen in the past month was only that of the sexy kind.
With a frustrated sigh, she headed down to the basement to work out some of her frustrations, hoping to avoid the rest of her friends today…for the sake of anyone in a ten mile radius. She was just angry enough to do something she might regret later.
***
After bribing a truck driver, Spike had secured himself a spot in the back of a semi that would drive until nightfall, when he’d be dropped off at the nearest airport. He couldn’t think about what he was about to do. He had never considered what he was about to do. It was just something he’d realized that he had to do. Yeah, she liked him the way he was. Yeah, things were great. But what happened if the chip stopped working? What if it was true about the chip? Maybe it really was the only thing keeping him the way he was now. As much as he didn’t want to believe that, he knew that there was a possibility that it might happen someday, and if that did happen, what if he hurt her? What if he hurt Dawn? He couldn’t take that chance. They were all he had now. His family.
“You took care of my sister for months. An evil vampire wouldn’t do that. You don’t even have a soul, and you stepped up. It wasn’t to win points with me, because I was dead. So what was it? It wasn’t the chip. The chip wouldn’t have stopped you from running off and leaving everybody else to pick up the pieces.”
The words echoed in his head. She truly did believe that. Still, the only way he could be sure that they actually had a shot at making this work was if he made damned sure that all of his bases were covered. It meant more for him to know that she could look into his eyes and feel things for him and not regret it rather than be confused about how she could care for somebody without a soul.
His head hurt as he thought about why he was cursed with this bloody disposition. How had he fallen in love with her in the first place? It had been a gradual process, yes, but the simple fact that he could feel love and know it was love with astounding for a vampire. How could anything soulless love anything at all? He’d been told for so many years that he was evil. Disgusting. Nothing but a demon walking around inside a corpse. And he’d started to believe it. That was, until she’d made him feel like a man for the first time in over a century.
“Sure, you might not have a soul, but you helped a bunch of humans…and an ex-demon. You babysat my little sister just so she wouldn’t feel alone. You’re here right now. You dressed my wounds. What the hell are you? Why are you doing this?”
“You know why. I love you.”
“And if you didn’t? Would you still act like this?”
He closed his eyes, trying to focus on something other than those unpleasant thoughts. The truth was that he didn’t know, but he really didn’t want to risk hurting her to find out. Still, he knew he’d hurt her by leaving, and he was going to have a lot of making up to do when he returned, but when he returned, he was going to have a part of himself that had been missing since the moment he was sired. He was going to be better for her. Buffy would no longer have to think about his actions or his words, because she would know they came from the heart.
Just a few more days, and he would have something he’d never realized he wanted so much until now. He was going to have his soul, and he was going to return to the woman he loved. He was going to make this work. He had to.
***
“How’s she doing?” Quentin Travers asked as he stepped into sight of the large, six-inch-thick glass window that gave a full view into Dana’s room. She was strapped down onto her bed, though she continued to test her strength against the restraints.
“She’s growing stronger, Sir.”
“Perhaps it’s time we considered a therapist…”
“She’s barely lucid, Sir. She’s strong, but she’s not going to talk to anyone. She’s beyond Help. The most merciful thing to do would be to…to kill her and let someone else be called.”
“You may be right, but our duty is to protect our Slayers, not murder them.”
“Sir, she’s a lost cause. She was locked up for murder.”
“Let’s give her three more days with the experimental medications. If our calculations are correct, and if these treatments work, we may be able to talk with her.”
“If you ask me, Sir, there’s no helping her.” Quentin found himself alone now, staring in at Dana. He knew the doctor was right, but there was a reason this girl had been called. They had to give her a chance. If it didn’t work, what was one more Slayer behind bars? At least there was still one active Slayer in the world.
***
Buffy was just coming up to grab a quick snack when a knock came to the front door. Frowning, she prepared herself for a tongue lashing from Xander. Though, when she looked at the clock, she realized he wouldn’t be off of work for another few hours.
To her surprise, Tara stood on the other side of the door.
“Tara?”
“Hey,” Tara said awkwardly.
“You didn’t have to knock. You still live here, you know.” Buffy moved out of the way to let her best friend’s girlfriend…or maybe now, ex-girlfriend, come in. Tara walked in nervously and shut the door.
“I just came to get a few things. Is Willow…”
“Not even in the country.”
“What?” Tara’s jaw dropped a little.
“She had Giles whisk her away to England. Some school for witches…I don’t know. It was a little Harry Potter-ish.” Despite the words she spoke, her tone was quite sad.
“She went willingly?”
“I guess…when you left…she called him. She wanted to go.” Tara winced a little. “Tara, you can stay, you know. The house is kinda quiet. I don’t think we’ll be seeing Xander around for a while. He freaked when he found out about Spike. Of course, he found out by finding us in bed together, but still. Dawn would love it if you’d stay too.”
“I don’t know, Buffy. I mean…it would be…”
“At least until Willow comes back?” Buffy asked. “Tara, what Willow did…I forgave her, but I want her to get help. And just so we’re clear, I’m not mad at you for what you did. True, she’s my best friend, but I understand why you left. It was for her own good.”
“I’m not so sure anymore,” Tara admitted.
“Well, you have plenty of time to figure it out. Please stay,” Buffy urged. “I could use somebody else here that’s in my corner with the Spike situation…” She paused. “You are in my corner, right? I guess I shouldn’t…” Tara held up a hand.
“I’m not here to pass judgment,” she replied quietly. “I think that it’s good Spike has something to focus on. Someone, I mean. You’re good for him. And…he’s good for you too.”
“Yeah?”
“Not saying you need a vampire in your life or anything, but you smile more when he’s around. I think that’s good.” Buffy smiled a little.
“Yeah. Well, he’s not exactly around right now.”
“What? Where is he?”
“He ran off to do something secret. He wouldn’t tell me what. He just said it was going to be better.” Buffy shrugged. “So it’s just me and Dawnie. We could use the company.”
“If you’re sure. I do have another place…”
“Is it filled with the ingredients to make yummy S’mores?”
“Well…no.”
“See! You should stay. S’mores make everything better.” Tara couldn’t help but smile.
“Thanks, Buffy. I guess…yeah, I guess I’ll stay for now.”
***
Dawn had gotten home an hour ago, and she was up in her room studying for a big English test. She had the good portion of The Great Gatsby to read, and she wasn’t thrilled with the idea of spending the rest of her day doing some for school. But, she had to keep her grades up, because if she even looked as if she was struggling with school, social services would come sniffing around.
Tara was fixing dinner, much to Buffy’s delight. Since there was nothing that needed cleaned, fixed, or slayed, Buffy was sitting on the couch watching TV. She shifted her position on the couch, only to feel something between the couch cushions. She fished it out and was surprised to find Spike’s lighter. She sighed, clutching it in her hand. Tears stung her eyes, threatening to fall. She missed him. Buffy the Vampire Slayer missed a vampire. A lot.
She placed the lighter securely in her pocket, and she stood up, knowing that if she sat there and thought about it too long she’d get upset. So, not wanting that, she grabbed her coat.
“I’m going for a quick patrol! Be back in a half hour!” But just as she was about to go out the door, someone knocked on the other side of it. Furrowing her brows, she opened it up to come face to face with Xander. She cringed inwardly. “Hi.”
“Hey.” His voice was low. She knew he was still mad. Still, he was her friend. As much as she didn’t want to see him right now, she couldn’t turn him away. “Come in if you want.” She walked away from the door, leaving him to make the choice. When she heard his shoes on the hardwood floor and the door shut behind him, she prepared herself for more venom.
The room was filled with silence for a few minutes. Buffy awkwardly sat on the edge of the couch, waiting for Xander to speak. He paced nervously in front of her, until she had to look away.
“I came with all these things to say to you, but now I don’t know what to say, Buff,” Xander said quietly.
“Yeah,” Buffy said slowly. “I guess there isn’t much to say. I know how you feel about Spike.”
“It’s not just Spike. It’s you and Spike. I don’t get it, Buffy.”
“I don’t expect you too. You’ve always hated Spike.”
“And so have you. Until recently anyway. What’s up with that?” Xander sat down across from Buffy, and she flinched, remembering Spike doing the same to her after she’d come back from the grave. “It’s not a spell, so what is it?”
“It’s…it’s me,” she confessed. “I’ve changed.”
“Not for the better.”
“Xander…”
“No. Spike’s a…a vampire. Did you forget I was there when Angel started killing people we know?”
“Xander, it’s not like that.”
“Then what’s it like? Just because he has some fancy chip in his head, that makes him a lovable teddy bear?” Buffy rolled her eyes. “He’s evil, Buffy.”
“No he’s not.”
“He doesn’t have a soul!”
“That doesn’t matter!”
“It did before. With Angel.”
“Spike’s not Angel, ok? He’s different. He’s…I don’t know why, but when he says he loves me, I believe him.” It was Xander’s turn to cringe.
“You honestly don’t think this is a way for him to get close to you so whenever he has the chance, he can use what he knows about you to kill you.”
“No. I don’t think that.”
“Maybe the spell did go wrong. Maybe something’s wrong with you.” Buffy stood up quickly.
“There’s nothing wrong with me. As a matter of fact, Willow did a spell to make sure, and that’s why she’s gone.”
“What?”
“She wanted to make sure the spell didn’t go wrong, so she did another spell, and she found out that I’m 100% the same Buffy that came back. The only difference is that when I came back, I saw Spike with new eyes. He did a lot of good over the Summer, and you’re sitting here telling me…”
“Buffy! I don’t care what he did this Summer. He only did it because he didn’t have anything better to do. He couldn’t hurt anything but demons.”
“I don’t expect you to understand,” Buffy said, crossing her arms. “But I figured that because we’re friends, you’d try.” She saw the hurt in Xander’s eyes.
“You know,” he said after a few moments, “in high school, I wondered what it was about me that was so…unappealing to you.” Buffy sighed, but he didn’t let her speak. “I watched you swoon after one guy after another, and all the time, I had to sit there and listen to you talk about them, like I was one of your girlfriends. Then Angel turns into the big bad wolf, and after he’s all re-souled, I’m not allowed to talk bad about him, even after everything he’s done. You couldn’t even give me that.”
“This is about high school?” Buffy asked, mouth agape.
“Not just about high school! You didn’t give me the time of day then. Thankfully, I found Anya, but I was your friend, and you didn’t even care that every time I expressed any interest, you shot me down.”
“Xander…”
“Look, I’m not trying to get jealous here. I’m not jealous of Spike. But each guy you pick is worse than the rest. Except for Riley. So what? After Angel, you have a one night stand, try it with a good guy, and when he leaves, you shack up with the next bad boy you see?”
“Oh that’s great,” Buffy said angrily. “That’s what you think of me?”
“Buff…”
“Is everything ok in here?” Tara entered the room cautiously. Xander turned to face her.
“What are you doing here?”
“I…I live here,” she said softly.
“Why?” He turned back to Buffy. “What the Hell is she doing her after what she did to Willow?”
“If you would’ve opened your eyes,” Buffy said hotly, “you’d have seen that Willow’s been using her powers a lot more than she should be. Tara…”
“It’s ok, Buffy. You don’t have to…”
“No. He’s so quick to bite anybody’s head off lately. He should know what an idiot he is.”
“Oh, I’m an idiot, says the girl fucking a vampire.”
“Yes! You are and idiot!” she spat. “Tara asked Willow not to do the spell, and what did she do? She did it anyway? I love Willow, but I can’t blame Tara for leaving. I asked her to stay, because everybody’s gone. Willow’s gone. Giles is gone. You’re too thickheaded to understand what’s going on. Spike left…”
“He left?”
“He’s coming back,” she explained. Tara slipped out of the room to check on dinner. Buffy could hear the creaks of the floorboards on the stairs where Dawn was listening in.
“Oh, I’m sure he is. He won’t leave that easily.”
“Xander, I don’t want to fight with you…”
“Well, this is how it’s gonna be from now on if you don’t wake up, Buffy.”
“So, if I keep seeing Spike, you’re just gonna throw away the past six years?” Xander said nothing. “That’s great. Thanks, Xander.” She turned to walk out of the room.
“Buffy.”
“No!” She spun around again. “Nobody really liked Anya when you started dating her, but none of us told you that if you didn’t stop dating your ex-demon girlfriend that we’d stop hanging out with you. But when I fall in love with Spike, you’re the first one to judge me and tell me that we can’t be friends if I keep seeing him.” The room went silent, and Buffy didn’t understand why Xander was looking at her the way he was. “So just…leave if that’s how you want it to be.”
“What…”
“Leave!”
“No. Buffy…you said…you’re in love with him?”
“What?”
“You’re in love with Spike?!” His features twisted into a grimace of disgust, and she felt her heart stop for a second.
“I…”
“This is worse than I thought. I don’t…” He shook his head, turning toward the door. He walked out without looking back at her. Before the door slammed behind him, he called out, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
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Chapter End Notes:
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