Chapter 16: I Love You
Dawn slowly descended the stairs, her mouth hanging open slightly. Buffy folded her arms across her chest as she turned away from the door that Xander had just exited from. Tears stung her eyes, still threatening to fall, and she took a deep breath, trying to calm herself.
“Buffy? A…are you ok?” Dawn asked softly. “I heard what he said. He was totally out of line.”
“I’m ok, Dawnie,” Buffy assured her sister. “Sorry you had to hear that.” Dawn smiled a little.
“He’s just upset. He’ll get over it.”
“The old Xander might have, but I think…maybe I really am an idiot.”
“For being with Spike?”
“No! Not because of Spike. But because all those years, even after I knew Xander liked me…I guess I just flaunted Angel in his face…you know?”
“Well, you didn’t feel the same way about him, and he knew that. Yeah, it might hurt, but he can’t control who you date.”
“Thanks Dawnie,” Buffy said with a sigh. She hugged her sister, and when they pulled apart, the younger Summers girl had a grin on her face. “What?”
“You said you love Spike.” Buffy hesitated to respond, but Dawn continued. “Was that the first time you said it, because it kinda sounded like it was? Have you told Spike yet? Or are you waiting until he comes back? Oh, that’d be so romantic!”
“Dawn,” Buffy laughed nervously, “I…no, I haven’t…I mean, Spike doesn’t…”
“You do love him though, right? I mean, you said it.”
“Dawn…” Dawn’s face fell.
“You were just saying it to piss off Xander, weren’t you?” Buffy didn’t answer. “Oh my God! You meant it! You love Spike!” Buffy gave her sister a half-smile and a little shrug.
“I…I guess I do. It just came out, but it didn’t feel wrong, you know? It felt like…well, it felt like it’d been bubbling up for a while. I guess Xander pushed the right buttons, and it came spilling out.”
“Yay!” Dawn squealed. “Ok, so when are you telling Spike?”
“Dawnie, I don’t know,” Buffy said, her shoulders tensing. “I have a lot of things to think about, and I don’t know when he’s coming back.”
“So tell him over the phone.”
“I can’t do that,” Buffy muttered.
“Why not? People do it all the time!”
“Not over the phone!”
“Well…be original then. Tell him on the phone. Breaks the ice for the first time you have to say it to his face.”
“It’s not that simple, Dawnie,” Buffy explained patiently. “It’s just…I…”
“What? How’s it so difficult? I mean, you love him, so why…”
“I’m gonna go patrol now,” Buffy interrupted. “Tell Tara I’ll eat whenever I get home.” She turned and headed out the door without another word. Frustrated, Dawn turned on her heels and headed into the kitchen, where Tara was stirring sauce in a pan.
“You ok?”
“Me? What about you? Xander didn’t have to be such a…”
“It’s ok, Dawn,” Tara replied quietly. “Willow’s been his best friend since they were kids. I don’t blame him for being upset.”
“But you didn’t do anything wrong! And he’s going off on Buffy for being in love with Spike.”
“In love?” Tara asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah. Buffy was yelling at Xander, and it slipped out. Good news? She didn’t deny it!” Tara smiled, knowing Dawn had been rooting for her sister and the vampire for quite some time. “But Buffy’s being lame. She doesn’t want to talk about it, and she’s not going to tell him over the phone.”
“Sometimes that’s just something you have to say in person. Especially the first time,” Tara explained.
“Yeah, but this is different. I mean, Spike’s a vampire, which means he’s probably gonna be around forever. Buffy might be strong, but she’s human, which means she’s not. With her being the Slayer and everything…well, you never know.” Dawn shivered. “She shouldn’t wait, you know?”
“You have a point,” Tara nodded. “But maybe Buffy’s not ready for that yet. I mean, they haven’t been dating that long, and before that, they were mortal enemies. Technically, I guess they’re still mortal enemies. They just choose to ignore that little fact.” Dawn shrugged at Tara’s explanation.
“Yeah. But it’s stupid. Buffy’s been hurt enough, and Spike loves her. I mean, he’s said it God knows how many times, so she can’t be afraid of rejection. So…what is she afraid of?”
***
Despite the fact that it was still light out, two very brave demons had wandered out of their dwellings only to be greeted by the Slayer. Two Fungus demons, of which Buffy guessed were both male, had come at her as soon as they’d seen her, and one was already melting into a large puddle of sticky, smelly goo, while the other was not only playing the part of the soon-to-be dismembered villain, but also as the listening ear Buffy needed.
“So, apparently, I love him,” she said with a shrug as she kicked the demon in his round belly. He groaned and fell backward, but he came at her within moments, growling. “See, I don’t know what to do about it.” She knelt down, bracing herself against the ground, as the demon lunged at her. She flipped him onto his back, standing on his chest, as he struggled to breathe. “My sister says I should tell him, but what’s he going to think?”
“I don’t know,” the demon gurgled with a helpless shrug, as Buffy let him up, only to kick him back against a crypt wall as soon as he was on his own two feet.
“Me neither,” she frowned. “Maybe I’m just being stupid. It’s been known to happen before.” Roundabout kick to the chin. The demon smacked against the wall again. “I guess I’m just afraid that it’s all…well, you know…I’m the Slayer, he’s a vampire. We’re supposed to be like oil and water, but my God, the more of him I get, the more I want.”
“That’s nice?” the demon guessed, getting a hard hit in to the Slayer’s shoulder, sending her back and then kicking her in the stomach. She gasped for breath, but as she was doubled over, she fell into a full front-flip, kicking the demon to the ground again.
“I don’t expect you to understand,” Buffy muttered, sitting on the giant beast, delivering a few hard punches to his head, dizzying him. “But if you knew me, you’d know that me saying…those words…to somebody…well, it’s kinda a big deal. See, my first real boyfriend was a vampire. Long story short, he turns evil and tries to kill people I care about. He didn’t always fail. I killed him. He came back. We got back together. Guess what? He left.” She punctuated her sentence with another hard punch.
“S…sorry?” the demon offered.
“Then came Parker.” She gritted her teeth. “One night stand. It was fun for him. Sure. He gets sex with the pretty blonde girl, and the pretty blonde girl turns out to be pretty stupid for trusting him.” She sighed. “Then came Riley. Oh…he was sweet, and he cared about me. But he was part of a secret organization that, you guessed it, dealt with demons. Capturing them, testing them, experimenting. We both had our own things, you know? Me, killing demons, him tracking them down, helping his psychotic boss without realizing she was trying to build a master race.” Buffy punched the demon again, who struggled beneath her. “My mom dies, and I guess he wanted me to cry on his shoulder, but I couldn’t do that. And he left.”
“Don’t see why. You seem like a lovely girl,” the demon choked out, as Buffy squeezed his slimy neck. “Guess what I’m getting at is that I’m…” It hit her.
“Afraid of getting left?” Buffy squeezed the neck harder and snapped it, getting up as soon as the demon’s gooey remains began to decompose into the ground.
“Exactly,” she muttered. She wiped her hands on her pant legs and started off further into the graveyard. As she walked, she strained to think about a time when her life didn’t consist of spending hours upon hours walking over graves, waiting for the earth over certain ones to move and give way, as a new undead being emerged. She couldn’t really remember that life. It was a blur.
But as she was walking, she felt a prickling sensation down her back, and she froze. Turning, her thoughts flashed back to a night when she’d fought for breath, clawing her way out of a cold, damp grave, and in a sense, being born out of Heaven and into a life she’d thought she’d left behind.
The ground was green and flat, seemingly undisturbed. But this was the spot. This was where she’d been buried, apparently in a private ceremony. This was where she’d taken her first free breath in this new life, and she’d recalled her death in every painstaking detail.
She shivered, turning away from it, not wanting to think about those things. She was getting past it all, but the memory was still there and she was sure it always would be.
She was lost in thought as she continued through the graveyard, and before she knew it, she stood in front of Spike’s crypt. She frowned, wishing she could knock and he’d come to the door. But she knew he wouldn’t. He was away, and only God knew where. She paused. If there really was a God, did he keep tabs on the eternally damned? She shivered again at that though. It didn’t seem right that Spike could be put into that category. He was much less a demon in character than any other vampire.
With a sigh, she let herself in, having to squint in the darkness as she stumbled around, searching for a matchbox and a candle. After a few long minutes filled with muffled expletives as the Slayer gracelessly stumbled about the dark crypt, she finally found what she was looking for, and she lit a candle, sending a soft glow out about two feet. She found more candles, lighting them so she could make her way to the ladder and find her way down without breaking something; a vase, his precious television, her own neck.
Downstairs, Buffy lit torches on either side of the wall, illuminating the room enough for her to make her way over to the bed. She smiled a little, not at all surprised that the sheets will still rumpled. Sitting down, she reached out, taking one of his trademark black shirts into her hands. She brought it to her face, touching the fabric to her warm cheek. She inhaled deeply, her heart fluttering at his scent. She lay back on the bed, her head hitting the pillow, and she held the shirt against her. Closing her eyes, she continued to breathe in and out slowly, taking in the scent she missed going to sleep to and waking up to every morning.
Yes, the vampire slayer had it bad. But oddly enough, she wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed of herself. She and Spike had a closeness that she’d never shared with anyone before. Maybe she’d gone through a lot, emotionally, with Angel, but she was a much different person now. She wasn’t a little girl anymore. She was a woman who knew herself a lot better than she had back then, though she wasn’t certain that what she did know was enough yet. Only time would tell.
***
By the time she returned home, it was late. She’d fallen asleep in Spike’s bed, and by the time she woke up, there were vampires prowling about the graveyard. She’d been able to dust three of them, before two more ran off into the night. Vampire activity was going up, apparently. There had been nights years ago when one or two a night were all that rose from their graves. Vampires must be getting thirstier, she figured.
Yawning, she walked into the kitchen, warming up the leftover pasta courtesy of Tara. After eating a few bites, she headed back up the stairs for a shower. By the time she crawled into bed, it was after midnight.
She wasn’t even remotely tired. The nap at Spike’s crypt had rested her, and even after a grueling vampire chase in the cemetery, she wasn’t ready to nod off quite yet. She frowned, staring up at her ceiling, wondering what Spike was doing.
As if on cue, the phone rang, and Buffy immediately picked up the receiver, not wanting to wake the entire household.
“Hello?” she asked slowly.
“What are you wearing?”
“Spike?”
“Hello, luv.” Buffy rolled her eyes.
“Hi, Spike,” she whispered, wondering if he could hear the smile tugging at her mouth. “Why are you calling so late? Tara and Dawn are asleep.”
“You sure?”
“Uh…yeah?”
“Go check.”
“Wh…why?” At the tone of his voice, she felt a flourish like butterflies in her stomach, while a heat surged further southward.
“Just go on, pet. Put the phone down and make sure they’re fast asleep.” Buffy frowned but did as he asked. She headed down the hall and peeked into Tara’s room. Tara was passed out on the bed, a book folded over her chest. Buffy closed the door gently and looked into Dawn’s room. Dawn had headphones plugged into her ears, one leg was draped over the bed, and her face was buried into a pillow, which was no doubt getting covered in drool.
Satisfied that her housemates were sleeping, Buffy returned to her bedroom, closed the door, and headed back over to her bed. She turned her bedside light off and picked the phone back up.
“I’m pretty sure my sister’s drooling and Tara’s out for the count. What do you want?”
“You’re adorable when you’re naïve, kitten.” Buffy felt a twinge deep down at his newer pet name for her. She should be offended and disgusted that he used something so girly and cute, but she had to admit…she kinda liked it. Not kinda. Really. She shivered
“You mean…Spike! No! What if somebody wakes up and picks up the phone?”
“Who’s gonna wake up from their dreams to make a phone call this late at night? C’mon, luv. Live on the wild side.”
“I do that every day. It’s not easy being the Slayer and a vampire’s girlfriend.”
“Don’t tell me those gits are getting onto you…”
“Oh no. But they’re getting the full brunt of my frustrations in very violent ways. I told a fungus demon about my entire romantic history.” She left out the part about the ‘I love you’ thing. She just couldn’t say it over the phone. God, when his voice was as smooth as it was right now, she wanted to tell him everything, but she bit her lip.
“Bet he got a kick out of that.”
“A kick…a broken neck,” she mused. “Where are you?”
“Further away than yesterday.”
“Fine, I won’t ask again,” she shrugged. “Have you done what you wanted to do?”
“Not yet, pet. Going in the morning.”
“The morning?”
“It’ll be dark where I am, luv,” he promised.
“Good,” she breathed, “because even if I am mad at you, I’ll probably tackle you the minute you walk through the door, so I don’t want a pile of dust showing up on my doorstep.”
“That bad, eh?”
“You have no idea,” she muttered, rolling her eyes again.
“Oh, I think I have an idea. I went a long time fantasizing about you, pet. But now that I’ve been where I’ve been…going a day is like…”
“Ok, no poetry,” she laughed. “What do you want?”
“You know what I want.”
“Unless you’re right outside my door right now, I don’t think that’s gonna happen, Spike.”
“What if I was right outside your door?” he murmured. Buffy’s eyes widened and she got up to go check, but before her feet hit the floor, he chuckled softly. “I’m not really there, pet. But what would you do if I was?” Oh. That was his game. She smiled.
“I don’t know. I’m still mad at you for leaving.”
“But you’d fancy a shag, wouldn’t you?”
“You’re so British,” she laughed.
“Then tell me what you’d want. In your words, pet.” Buffy licked her lips, her heart hammering against her chest.
“It’s late,” she teased.
“You’re smiling.”
“What? How do you know that?”
“I can tell by your voice,” he chuckled. “I can hang up and we can do this when I get back if you’d rather…”
“No!” she exclaimed a bit loudly. Clearing her throat, she steadied her voice. “Fine. I’ll play your game.”
“It’s not a game, pet. Don’t tell me you’ve never done this before.”
“None of my boyfriends ever took off in the night…well, at least not with the intention of coming back.”
“I’ll be back, luv. I promise. And I’ll explain to you why I did it. Why I left. Why I had to.”
“It had better be good.” She realized the focus of the conversation was changing, and the way they were going, those three little words were threatening to surface. No. It wasn’t the right time. Not yet. She had to wait. “So, remind me why you called.”
“I was thinking about you,” he breathed, a little chuckle in his voice. “Wondered if you were thinking about me too.”
“Now that you mention it,” she grinned, “haven’t thought about you all day.”
“You are a terrible liar.”
“So I’ve been told.”
“Last time I told you that, the night ended pretty good for the both of us, right?”
“You could say that,” she laughed. There were a few moments of silence before Spike spoke again.
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“What question?”
“What are you wearing?”
“My pajamas, you perv.”
“Describe ‘em to me.”
“Ugh. This is weird.”
“Isn’t weird, pet. It’s just…another way of communicating.”
“Oh yeah. Communicating, says the vampire who’d rather fuck first and talk later.” She heard a sharp intake of breath. “What?”
“Sorry, pet. Just didn’t expect those words out of your mouth,” he teased again, knowing perfectly well that he’d heard a lot worse come from those perfect, pink lips. Just thinking about what those lips could do made him harden a little in his hand. His free hand held the phone, and he wondered if she was touching herself yet. No, probably not, he figured. It was going to take a little coaxing. He didn’t mind. He rather enjoyed that.
“Oh please,” she laughed.
“You’re right. You’re definitely not a lady in the bedroom.”
“Ass!” she laughed. “I hate you.”
“You do not.” You’re right, she thought. I love you.
“Tell me,” he said again, his tone a little more demanding. “The sexy black knickers?”
“Actually,” she said, chewing her bottom lip, touching the neck of the shirt she wore. “I’m wearing one of your shirts.” He hardened a little more but was silent. “Spike?”
“Go on, luv.”
“It smells like you,” she offered. “And yes, I’m wearing the black underwear I wore the other day…on our first date.”
“Tell me you didn’t wash them,” he said smugly.
“Ew! Yes, I washed them, sicko!” He laughed again.
“What else?”
“Um…nothing,” she said sheepishly.
“Take off your knickers,” he breathed.
“I’m not in the mood,” she lied. She slipped them off in one fluid motion.
“And the shirt.”
“Mmm…I wanna keep that on.” Her free hand was already toying with a nipple through the fabric of Spike’s shirt.
“S’alright,” he said with a cocky smile that she could picture in her mind. “I’ve got a pair of your frilly pink knickers here.”
“Please tell me you haven’t been wearing them.”
“Nah, they don’t fit.”
“Spike, you’re kinda killing the mood.” Actually, she was wetter than ever.
“Wish you were here, pet.”
“This is corny.” She pinched her nipple once before letting her hand travel downward.
“I can hang up…”
“No!” she exclaimed. Hearing a soft snore from down the hall, she lowered her voice. “Don’t hang up. Talk to me. Tell me about where you are.”
“Well, right now, I’m in a seedy little hotel room. Curtains are shut, can hear the couple in the room next door shagging like rabbits.”
“Must be torture for you,” she laughed.
“Not a total loss,” he muttered. She heard a hitch in his voice.
“Are you…”
“Aren’t you?” She was about to deny it, but she circled her thumb over her clit and entered two fingers right away. She bit her lip to keep from moaning. “S’what I thought. Now…tell me where you are.”
“You know where I am.”
“Play along, pet. Set the scene.” Buffy rolled her eyes.
“I’m laying on my bed…the lights are out, the door’s shut. The wind is rustling the braches against my window.”
“Dark and stormy night, eh?”
“Dark is right.”
“What are you doing right now?”
“Just laying here…talking to you. What are you doing?”
“Right now, I’ve got my hand on my dick, and all I want is to bury it inside of you.” Buffy couldn’t help but let out a little moan, as she slowly slid her fingers in and out. “Do you want me, pet?”
“Mmmm…”
“I’ll take that as a yes. How many fingers do you have inside of you right now?” She paused. How the hell did he know?
“Two,” she answered.
“Insert another one.” He heard a little moan as she did so, and he gave his cock another stroke. “Are you grinding your palm against your clit, Slayer?” Buffy realized that yes, she was.
“You’re sure you’re not watching me?” He chuckled at that.
“I just know you, luv. I know the way your body works, the things that get you off.”
“Unh,” she groaned, as she pumped her fingers a little faster. “Spike…”
“What is it, kitten?”
“Oh God,” she muttered, his words sending a little thrill through her.
“Tell me what you need pet,” he whispered.
“I need you inside of me,” she breathed, leaning back against her pillows, her heels digging into the mattress as her fingers continued to work their own magic. “Oh God. I need you, Spike. I need you now.”
“I’m there, pet. I’m kissing you. Your lips. Your neck…” Buffy’s hand trailed down to each spot he told her. “Open up for me. I want to taste you, luv.” She pulled her legs up a little, spreading them, her fingers doing as he commanded. Her fingers circled her clit and then plunged back inside as he expertly described every detail of how he wanted to make her scream his name. “You taste so good, pet. Want to drink you in.” Buffy came at those words and she shuddered, clutching the phone as she continued to pump her fingers in and out. “You should taste yourself, luv. It’s indescribable. Do it.” She hesitated, but finally brought her fingers to her lips, tentatively tasting her own flavor. He could hear her lips smack, and he nearly went over the edge.
“Oh God, Spike,” she breathed, her hand against her chest as she relaxed against the bed. “You so need to come home…now.”
“I’ll be there soon, I promise,” he whispered. “Now…what do you want to do to me.”
“Oops,” she giggled. “Sorry.” He cleared her throat, thinking for a few moments. “I’m running my hands down your body, circling your nipples. I know you like that. I’m crawling over you, my legs straddling your hard cock.” He could picture the blush in her cheeks as she said it. As much as a minx she was in the sack, there were certain words that she couldn’t help but blush at.
“Fuck, Buffy,” he moaned, as he continued to pump, closing his eyes as he pictured her over him.
“I kiss you again, making my way down your body, my tongue tasting your cool, sweet skin.” She felt like the narrator of a very bad romance novel, but she could hear his breathing change. She was turning him on. And the thought of it turned her on again, and her fingers began to explore her wet center once again. She closed her eyes, her own needs directing her words. “I’m on my knees, looking up at you. I take you in my hand…and I lean forward. But I stop.”
“Tease,” he sputtered. She heard him groan next.
“I crawl back over you, kissing up the same trail, nipping at you. I kiss you hard, biting your lip, and I stroke you as I guide you inside.”
“Christ, Buffy…I’m gonna…”
“Then I…” Her words trailed off, as she focused on her next orgasm that was just around the bend. Spike was silent now too, save for the ragged breaths. If she wasn’t so caught up in the moment, she might have wondered if his breathing was just a habit from his human days, or if it was only one way to control himself from coming too soon.
“Buffy,” he murmured again, letting out a primal groan. “That was…”
“Oh God,” she groaned through gritted teeth. “I’m gonna…”
“Go ahead, kitten,” he urged.
“Oh God, Spike!” she cried. The thoughts in her head were raging now. Need you. Want you. Fuck me. Love you. God, I love you! Love you. Oh… “I love you…” And she came, her body shuddering, as arched against the mattress. She heard Spike suck in a sharp breath, and then it hit her. She’d said it aloud.
“I love you too,” was all he answered.
“I…” The words wouldn’t come now. She was too stunned. Too completely shocked at herself. There were several moments of silence.
“You didn’t mean to say it, did you.”
“No,” she said, completely embarrassed now.
“S’alright. I understand.” His voice was low, and she felt a twinge in her heart.
“It’s not like that, Spike! I didn’t meant to say it, but that…it doesn’t mean I didn’t mean it.”
“What?”
“I…I didn’t want to tell you over the phone,” she groaned quietly. “Guess it’s too late for that.”
“You…you mean…”
“Yeah. I do,” she said, a sheepish smile playing over her features, as if he was standing in front of her to see it.
“And when did you come to this conclusion, pet?” He sounded more in awe than anything.
“I kinda…blurted it out to Xander when I was yelling at him. I’m sorry, Spike. I did this all wrong.”
“Don’t apologize, pet! I just didn’t expect you could ever say it to me. Not like this…”
“Like what?”
“Never mind, luv.” His voice cracked. She means it? I don’t even have a soul. She never thought she could love me. His thoughts raced, tormenting him. He had to hear it again. “I…I just can’t believe you said…”
“I know. It kinda snuck up on me. I feel like a big moron. Idiot Buffy, more like it.” He smiled on the other line. “Spike…I do though. You know…I do…” He said nothing. He was waiting for her to say it again. She took a shaky breath and covered her eyes, her face turning all shades of red. “I love you, Spike.”
“I love you too, Buffy,” he breathed. Now that the phone line and their own separate rooms were filled with uncertain tension, they were going to be able to pull through it. Those words had been said and meant, and now it was time to move on.
A few minutes and awkward sentences later, they were saying it again, and it was beginning to feel a lot more familiar on her part to say it and on his to hear it. Then they were saying goodbye, and Buffy was hanging up, only to fall back onto the mattress, completely stunned, completely sated, and completely ready for him to come home.
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