Chapter 17: Light in the Dark
“It’s working, it’s working,” Mr. Travers insisted, as he paced nervously back and forth in front of Dana’s cell. “It has to be working.”
“She’s still struggling, Sir.”
“Yes, but look at her vitals. Her heart rate has dropped to a normal level. She’s even speaking in her sleep. She’s coming around.”
“When she does speak…”
“She talks about yellow eyes and razor sharp teeth,” Travers pointed out. “She’s a Slayer, and she’s having dreams that coincide with her mission in life.”
“She’s still insane, Sir.”
“I asked you to give me three days. Three days have come and gone, and she has made improvements. I have no doubt that she’ll be calm enough soon that we can attempt a conversation.”
“Normally, Mr. Travers, I’m willing to agree with you, but I don’t see it with this one. I think she’s a danger to the Council and to…” Of course, he knew Travers was in full control of the Council, and until his word would be taken over anyone else’s.
“She’s not a danger to anyone,” Mr. Travers insisted. “If I’m wrong, she’s still restrained, and there’s no way she’ll be able to get out of that room even if she were to break her bonds again.” Travers shook his head. “She’s going to pull out of this.”
***
While Dawn was at school, and Tara was working on some homework from a class she’d missed a lot of lately due to the craziness that had surrounded them when Xander decided to stop coming around and Willow took off with Giles to England, Buffy had cleaned each room of the house from top to bottom.
She hated cleaning. But, cleaning helped her lose focus on the fact that all she wanted was for Spike to come home. It didn’t help that she hadn’t heard from him since that night on the phone. He’d been preparing to do whatever he was about to do, and she’d hoped to hear from him after he’d done it. She’d hoped he’d already be on his way home by now. But, nothing.
She had to admit that she was pretty ticked off. She tells him she loves him and he doesn’t call back. That wasn’t Spike, because he’d been in love with her for a long time now. What if he was hurt? What if he was perfectly fine and just letting her hang there waiting until he was ready to come home? If he was fine, he was going to get an earful next time she talked to him. Why couldn’t he call?
A knot had formed in the pit of her stomach, and now she was starting to think that maybe now that she’d told him how she felt, and she was finally about to be happy, everything was going to fall apart. Honestly, it wouldn’t have surprised her any.
Now, she sat on the front porch drinking ice water and watching the cars roll down the street. It was a nice day, but she had no interest in doing anything except waiting for Spike to call. Groaning, she muttered to herself, “when did I become the girl who waits for the guy to call?”
“When did you become the bridesmaid that doesn’t show up for her dress appointment?” Buffy turned at the voice she least expected to hear.
“Anya?”
“And Willow’s out of the country.” She sat down on the porch step next to the Slayer. “This wedding is going to be a disaster.”
“Sorry, Anya, but I didn’t think…well, I really didn’t think I’d be invited to the wedding anymore after…”
“Well, you’re still invited, because you have to be my bridesmaid. I don’t have anybody else, you know. I don’t know very many people. I have demon girlfriends, but they wouldn’t look very nice in the dresses I have picked out.” Buffy furrowed her brows.
“You…you have talked to Xander, right? I mean, you do know he’s not talking to me right or Tara right now.”
“Yes. He told me,” Anya said with a nod. “You’re having sex with Spike, and Tara left Willow, because Willow was doing spells behind her back.”
“And…you’re here anyway.”
“Xander’s a man. His pride was hurt, because you’d rather have sex with vampires than with him, and he’s mad at Tara because Willow’s his best friend, and he doesn’t want her to get hurt. And before you ask, no, he doesn’t want to have sex with you. I asked. He’s just mad, because you kept it from him, and you didn’t give him a chance when you were in high school.” Buffy blinked, her jaw dropping a little.
“And how do you feel?”
“When I was a demon, I had sex with plenty of vampires. I can’t blame you. And we both know Willow’s never been my favorite friend of Xander’s. So I’m here.”
“But don’t you think you should talk to Xander, since it’s his wedding too?”
“No,” Anya said cheerfully, smiling and shrugging.
“Ooookay,” Buffy muttered.
“Come on. The dress shop is open until five. Can you call Tara?”
“Tara’s in class, but I…I can try. Anya, are you sure you want us in your wedding? Don’t you think it would be awkward?”
“You want to talk awkward? Picture this: my guests, mostly demons with very prominent bodily differences than Xander’s guests and family, who, by the way, I’ve never met. I think I’d rather have tension at the altar than in the audience.” Buffy shook her head.
“I guess I’ll go, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Oh come on. By the time the wedding get’s here, Xander might be over it.”
“I don’t know. He doesn’t exactly like Spike, and he looks at me like I’m…well, like I’m some kind of a demon for loving Spike.”
“Loving? So what Xander said is true? It’s love?”
“Anya…”
“Fine. Alright. Just come with me and try on the dress so the alterations can be done. I’ll try to soften Xander up. He really is miserable without you guys.” She sounded disappointed. “I thought I was enough for him, but I guess he really does need friends.”
“Fine. Fine, I’ll come,” Buffy offered. It would be nice to get out of the house and not wonder where the Hell Spike was, even if she was going to spend a couple of hours trying on a dress with Anya, who wasn’t exactly her favorite person. It was better than being alone, though. “I’ll call Tara and see if she can make it too.”
***
He woke face down in the sand, dark walls surrounding him. His body ached. He felt as if a fire had been lit inside of him, and the moment he was conscious enough to feel every bit of pain that he was in, he writhed on the ground, curling up into a ball.
The past few days had been a blur. He’d found who he was looking for, and he’d been tested. Whatever the tests had been, he couldn’t remember them. He could only feel the scratches and the burns on his body that were the results. He had no idea how many of his bones had been broken, but he was certain that they were the cause of his agony now. It didn’t help matters any that since he’d gone under, he’d dreamed about every single person he’d ever tortured, killed, harmed. It was like a gruesome live-action slideshow playing in his head.
He groaned, slowly sitting up. Yes. Some bones were definitely broken from whatever the hell kind of trials he had been through. He knew they were healing, and he was thankful for the fact that he was a vampire just then, because he’d be in top shape, physically, in about another day. Still, the rest of the pain didn’t even compare to that.
A memory, a flash of a young woman with fiery red hair went through his head. She was crying, cowering in some filthy, damp alley, while he came upon her, thirsty for a kill, a newborn vampire with Dru at his side.
“Eat her up, my William,” she tittered madly. Another scream, as a younger face, a young woman’s face appeared a few feet from them. “But save room for dessert.” He lunged at her, sinking his teeth into her sweet, young flesh.
“AHHHHGHH!” he screamed, clutching at the back of his head, as the vivid memory sparked his chip to fire. That was new. “It’s not real! It’s not real!” He felt his stomach heave, and he crouched over, vomiting into the sand. That was new too. He hadn’t thrown up since he was a human.
A sliver of sunlight filtered in from somewhere in the cave, and he reached out for it, needing to be sure. When the sunlight met his pale flesh, it sizzled, and he screamed again, throwing himself into the farthest, darkest corner, as memories of his past victims continued to torture him, making him beg for unconscious, for death, for anything that would make the pain go away.
And then another memory—a happy memory—filtered through his mind. “I love you…” He groaned, holding his head in his hands. He’d thought good and hard after getting off the phone with her that night about forgetting this and going back to her. She loved him without the soul. Why do it? But, the more he thought about it, the more he had to do it. He had to be sure in his own mind that he was good enough for her. Without a soul, he couldn’t be sure of anything when it came to love. He’d never been sure of how he could love her. He just knew he did. And he knew he had to do this. He wanted it. He wanted more than anything to look Buffy in the eyes and tell her that he loved her with everything in him, and that he had a soul mate, because he couldn’t have that. Not without a soul.
Two years ago, he’d have thrown himself in front of a picture window on a sunny day for having those thoughts, but now it was all he wanted. To be hers. For her to be his. For whatever bit of time they had left together in her life.
“No! Please! Please don’t!” The bad memories invaded his head again, and he screamed out, holding onto a sharp rock, trying to keep himself from falling over.
“Buffy,” he breathed. “Buffy.” As soon as the painful memories rushed in, he thought of Buffy, and though those memories were still there in the foreground, the intensity of the pain they caused him was somewhat muted by thinking of her. By thinking of the fact that whatever pain this was causing was worth it, because this was what he needed to be able to give her everything. Well, everything except for a stroll through the park in the daytime. But he could give her all of himself with the part of him that had been missing since Dru sired him.
***
“The color’s nice,” Buffy said with a pained, fake-smile. “I like green. It’ll look nice with Willow’s hair…you know, if she’s back before the wedding.”
“Yeah. It goes…with everybody,” Tara said quietly, examining herself in the mirror. The dresses were shiny and green, and while they weren’t the most gorgeous dresses ever created, they could have been a lot worse.
“You both look so beautiful. Of course, not more beautiful than I’ll look in my wedding dress. All eyes should be on the bride.”
“Yes, Anya,” Buffy said with a forgiving smile. “All eyes on you.” Under her breath, she muttered, “whatever takes the focus off of us.”
“What?” Anya asked.
“Hey! Why don’t you try on your dress again?” Anya’s eyes lit up!
“I should! I do look very attractive in it.” She nodded self-assuredly, and she pranced off to find the dress. Buffy turned to Tara, and their expression both read the same.
“Oh my God,” Buffy whispered. “We’re radioactive!”
“Yeah,” Tara grimaced. “But Anya likes them. Besides, isn’t it tradition that the bridesmaids have horrible dresses?”
“Sadly, I think so,” Buffy muttered. “I’d never do that to my bridesmaids. I’d let them wear whatever they wanted…” Tara raised an eyebrow.
“Thinking about weddings, Buffy?”
“Well, sure. I mean, look where we are. A dozen Bridezillas running around looking for the same dress will make you think about it.”
“You know what I mean.”
“You know, I think I wanna try some more dresses on,” Buffy said quickly.
“Wow, you’re really good at avoiding difficult conversations.” Buffy smiled at Tara’s words.
“It’s what I do best...well, next to slaying, that is.” Anya came walking around the corner wearing the dress she’d picked out. It was gorgeous. White with delicate lacework and beads that sparkled but weren’t too tacky.
“Wow, Anya,” Buffy said with a surprised smile. “It’s gorgeous.”
“I know,” Anya grinned, twirling around in front of a mirror. “I’m so glad I decided to wear a traditional human gown instead of a traditional demon gown. This much more appealing to the eye.” She twirled again, and Buffy and Tara exchanged glances. “I can’t wait until Xander sees me in this. His jaw will drop!” She looked at the bridesmaids. “His jaw will drop, right? I don’t want to wear it if it doesn’t have the right effect.”
“I’m sure his eyes’ll pop out like a love struck cartoon character,” Buffy assured Anya. Anya smiled.
“Oh! That’s sweet.” She smiled and hurried off to change back into her regular clothes. Buffy and Tara changed back into their own clothes as well, after the sales lady came through and quickly placed pins in the places that needed adjusting.
When all was said and done, Buffy found herself prepaying for alterations. She grumbled as she closed her billfold. She felt a little childish that she was feeling so grumpy about having to pay any money toward anything that had to do with Xander’s wedding day. It wasn’t like he wanted her to be happy or anything, so why was she going along with this?
With a sigh, she knew. Because they were friends, even if he was acting like a toddler having trouble sharing his toys.
As she was waiting for Tara and Anya to finish up, she spotted a head of dark hair ducking past the window. Furrowing her brows, she called over to the other girls.
“Hey, I’m gonna wait outside.” Tara waved at her, and Buffy headed outside, where sure enough, Xander Harris was leaving against the brick building. Buffy crossed her arms defensively but walked over to him. Right now, she didn’t care if he didn’t want to talk to her.
“What are you doing? Are you trying to get Anya to call off the wedding? I’m pretty sure she’d do it, considering she’s pretty into those myths, like not seeing the bride in her dress before the wedding.”
“Chill, Buffy. I was just coming to see if she was done.”
“Yeah, well, she’s finishing up inside.”
“Oh. Ok. Good.” Buffy cleared her throat.
“It’s your wedding too. You could just tell her you don’t want us there, and…”
“I do want you there, Buff. You, Tara, and Willow.” Buffy looked at him as if he’d grown a second head. “What I said the other night…I’m sorry. I talked to Willow on the phone last night, and she’s not even mad at Tara. She’s upset, yeah, but she knows what she did was wrong, and she knows why Tara left.”
“Oh,” Buffy said quietly. “Well, that’s good, I guess.”
“I don’t like that you’re with Spike. I hate it, actually. The thought of you and him it makes me sick.”
“Do you have a point?”
“Yeah…I’m getting there. My point is that you can make your own decisions. Right now, your decision is to be with Spike, and I’m sure that someday you’ll figure out that’s the wrong choice for you.” Buffy gritted her teeth. “Everybody has to make mistakes.”
“What makes you think that this thing I have with Spike is a mistake?”
“Well, the problems kind of list themselves, Buff,” Xander said with a raised eyebrow. “He…”
“If you say something about his lack of a soul one more time, I’m seriously going to punch you in the face. Hard.”
“Whoa.” He held his hands up. “While that’s number two on my list, the first is that he’s not good enough for you. He’s a killer with a muzzle on. He’s…he’s Hannibal Lecter!” Buffy rolled her eyes. “The only thing stopping him from killing you is that chip. He can’t so much as bite you. But all it takes is one little malfunction…one crack in the glass, and he can break through and…” Buffy flinched.
“That’s enough, Xander,” she warned.
“I’m worried about you, Buff. We’ve been through a lot together, and I know he’s gonna hurt you someday. I guess I’m just disappointed, because I thought you’d have better sense than to…”
“I can’t help that I love him, Xander.” He flinched like she’d actually hit him. “When I came back, I tried not to care about him. But I couldn’t help it. It bothered me a lot that I was starting to care about him, but he hasn’t given me one reason since I’ve been back not to trust him. I do trust him. With my life. With Dawn’s life.”
“Maybe that’s number one on my list. You can’t trust a vampire. Not even Angel. Look how he hurt you.”
“This has nothing to do with Angel, Xander. Just…stop acting like you even have a clue about what’s going on.”
“I know enough. I know too much.”
“What’s going on?” Buffy turned around to see Anya and Tara coming out of the store. Xander cleared his throat. He immediately moved over to put his arm around his future wife. But he looked at Tara.
“Tara, I wanted to say sorry for everything I said. I was upset, and I jumped to conclusions. I talked to Willow last night, and she…she said she understood why you did what you did.” It was Tara’s turn to flinch, but she just nodded.
“I…it’s okay. I mean, you’ve known her forever, so I’m…I’m glad she has a friend that’s got her back, you know?” Xander nodded, and he looked back at Buffy.
“I just want to see my friends happy.” Buffy really couldn’t believe him. He only wanted his friends to be happy if he was happy with the reasons they were happy.
“I’ve gotta go. Dawn’ll be home soon. Tara? You coming with?”
“I have a study session. I’ll probably be home late.”
“Alright,” she shrugged. “See ya later.” Giving a small wave toward Xander and Anya, she trudged off toward home.
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