Chapter 18: Safe
“Something’s wrong,” Buffy breathed, as she paced the living room, phone in her hand, clueless as to whom she should call.
“Buffy, calm down,” Dawn urged.
“He hasn’t called, Dawnie. Something had to have happened. He…he would have called.”
“It’s alright,” Dawn soothed. Spike had been gone nearly a month, and she’d still not heard a word from him since that night on the phone. Where was he? Was he ok? Did he even exist anymore? Her heart pounded at the thought of losing him before she could truly let him into her life.
To top it all off, Willow’s calls were becoming less frequent, as her studies and counseling at the school in England were becoming more time consuming. Xander still wasn’t coming around, except to take Dawn places if she needed a ride. But if he and Buffy happened to run into each other at the Magic Box, which happened about once a day, they’d have polite conversation that stayed within the bounds of neutral conversation.
“I can’t take this,” Buffy breathed, flopping down on the couch. “What if he doesn’t…”
“Don’t even finish that sentence,” Dawn said with a glare that, had Buffy not been the Chosen One, might have scared her a little bit. “He’s totally in love with you. Whatever he’s doing, he’s probably got a good reason, and he’s gonna come back.”
“You’re right,” Buffy said with a nod. Over a week ago, she’d finally stopped letting herself think about how much she had changed since she’d started falling for Spike. She’d stopped letting herself think what she would have done before the feelings for the vampire arrived. The reality was that those feelings were there, and she accepted it that way. Still, at this moment, she knew it would be much easier if she didn’t love him. “Stupid vampire. He’s gonna get it when he gets back.”
“That’s the spirit,” Dawn said with an encouraging smile.
“If he’s not hurt, he’s gonna be in a world of pain by the time I’m done with him.”
“Yep. Just don’t hurt him too bad, because, well, it’s Spike, and he’s your boyfriend.”
“Right,” Buffy said with a nod. She looked at the clock.
“You should probably finish getting ready. Big party and all. Just make sure Mr. Grabby Hands keeps his paws in his own pants.” Dawn made a face. “I mean…in his pockets.” She rolled her eyes.
“I don’t have to go.”
“Yes you do. You deserve a life, but if I smell alcohol or smoke on you when you come in the door, you’re dead,” Buffy warned.
“No drinking. Promise. What I can’t promise is that there won’t be any making out.”
“I don’t need to hear that. Just…be careful, Dawnie.”
“Yeah, like you were little miss perfect at my age. You burned down a gym, remember.”
“That’s so not what I’m talking about, Dawn.” Dawn sighed and nodded.
“I know. Jake’s sweet. He’s…well, he’s not like other guys.”
“I’ve heard that one a lot,” Buffy said with a roll of her eyes. “Look, Dawnie, I’m your sister and I love you, but I’m not opposed to breaking my no-kill policy toward humans if he so much as hurts…”
“Buffy, relax!” Dawn exclaimed. “I’m fifteen. I’m so not ready to…”
“Uh-huh. Tell that to your hormones when they start talking back to you.” Dawn rolled her eyes.
“Be careful, Dawnie, I’m serious. You should be dating and having fun, but not too much fun. Remember, my first time ended with my boyfriend losing his soul and going on a rampant killing spree.”
“I’m not planning on having sex with any cursed vampires tonight, Buffy. Seriously though, I can stay home.” Buffy sighed, shaking her head.
“It’s ok. Just be home by eleven, ok?”
“Alright. You’re sure…”
“Dawn, go get ready!” Buffy exclaimed, feigning exasperation. Dawn smiled, hugging her sister and then running up the stairs, two steps at a time to prepare for her party date with Jake.
***
A thud outside the door startled Buffy awake, and she sat up on the couch, realizing it was near time for Dawn to get home from the party. She wondered if that was her coming in, and as she stood up to peer out the window, she didn’t see a car or anything.
“Little jerk didn’t even walk her to the door,” she muttered to herself. “Coming, Dawnie!” She made her way to the front door and unlocked it. But when she opened it up, it wasn’t a partied-out Dawn standing before it. Instead, it was a weary, half-conscious Spike leaning against the doorframe. “Spike! Oh my God!” He practically fell into her, and she helped him stand.
“Buffy,” he murmured, his bloodshot eyes closing for a moment. Had she not known exactly what a drunk Spike was like, she would have suspected that he was, in fact, drunk. But there was something wrong, and she helped him into the house. He collapsed on the couch, and Buffy knelt next to him.
His skin was even paler than usual, and his nose was bleeding. She quickly grabbed a tissue and wiped at his nose, as he groaned, fighting to stay awake.
“What happened?” she asked softly, feeling the tears stinging her eyes. “Where were you? How’d you get back?”
“I…” he muttered. “I needed…” His eyelids fluttered, and then he was out. Buffy quickly began to shake him, trying to get him back, but he was passed out. She bit back the urge to cry, wondering what he’d been through and why she hadn’t heard from him. Her anger had melted away the minute she’d seen him leaning against the doorframe, but now all that filled her was curiosity and worry.
She looked down at him, realizing that the shirt he wore was ripped in several places, and was that…yes…it was a large, burned-through hole at the shoulder. What the Hell had happened to him?
Firsts things first, she needed to clean him up. He had a few cuts on his hands, and she could see some fresh blood seeping through the black material on his chest.
Rushing to the kitchen, she grabbed a bowl, filling it with warm water. She grabbed a fresh sponge out from a drawer near the sink and hurried back into the living room. He was still unconscious on the couch, and the first thing she had to do was get him out of that shirt. So, she helped him sit long enough to get the shirt off of him, and she gasped at what she saw beneath that. Gashes. Not cuts. Gashes, that if he wasn’t a vampire, would require stitches.
Dipping the sponge into the bowl, she wrung it out and began to gently dab at the gashes on his chest. They looked like….like knife wounds. Shuddering, she ever-so-gently cleaned him up, and watched as his eyes rolled back and forth beneath his eyelids. She gently brushed the sponge over his chest again, and this time, he winced.
“Spike?”
“Make it stop,” he muttered. “It hurts…”
“Spike…it’s ok. I’m here,” she whispered, placing her hand against his cheek. “I’m here…” She leaned forward, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I love you,” she breathed against his skin. “You’re safe.” He relaxed again at her soothing tone, and she continued to clean him up while he slept.
***
By the time eleven o’clock rolled around, Buffy had bandaged up Spike’s chest wounds, and he was knocked out on the couch. When she heard a car pull up in front and the door close, she peeked out the front window to see Jake get out of the driver’s seat and come around to open Dawn’s door. He had some manners, she would give him that, but he was still sixteen, and that worried her. She knew what sixteen year old boys were like. Well, she knew what fifteen year old girls were like, for that matter. It hadn’t been too long ago that she was that age.
She turned away when she noticed they were making out, and she turned her attention back to Spike, sitting down on a cushion, trying not to bump his feet. He looked much better now. He was his usual pale, not the horribly pale he’d been when he’d come inside. She was anxious for him to wake up now so that she could find out exactly what had happened to him.
The door opened slowly, as if Dawn was trying to avoid waking anybody up, but when she saw Buffy sitting on the couch, her exhausted expression turned to one of surprise.
“Buffy!” she squeaked. “I’m not late, am I?”
“No, you’re right on time,” Buffy said with a distracted nod. Dawn’s gaze traveled down to a head of bleached blonde hair resting on a pillow.
“Oh my God!” she hissed, dropping her purse on the floor and hurrying into the living room. “What’s wrong with him?”
“I don’t know,” Buffy muttered. “He turned up about a half hour ago, and he was barely conscious.”
“Buffy…is he…is he ok?”
“I think so. He’s starting to look a little better. But I haven’t gotten to really talk to him yet.” Buffy looked up at her sister, ready to ask her about her date, but Dawn could tell her sister’s mind was on Spike, and anything she said to her probably wouldn’t be processed. “How’d it go?” Dawn tensed a little but smiled, shrugging.
“It was ok. Somebody spiked the punch. Don’t worry, I didn’t drink any of it.”
“Good,” Buffy said with a nod. “And Jake?”
“Jake’s really sweet.” Her smile brightened. “He asked me to be his girlfriend.” Buffy half-smiled, wondering exactly what the point was when two people went from dating to being boyfriend/girlfriend. Of course, things had been a little backward with her and Spike. They’d had the hot, fantastic sex first, and then they’d started to date. Her eyes nearly bulged. “He asked me to go out again tomorrow night.”
“He didn’t try to…you know, he’s not trying to pressure you, is he?” Dawn’s jaw tensed.
“Buffy, Jake’s a really good guy, and…”
“That’s not what I asked, Dawn.” A small groan from Spike interrupted the conversation, and Dawn let out a breath she’d been holding in. “Spike?” He only groaned. Buffy placed her hand over his bandages, preparing to check and make sure he wasn’t bleeding or anything. But, when he felt her hand against his chest, he reached up, taking it in his own hand. He didn’t open his eyes, but he squeezed her hand, and she swallowed hard. “It’s ok, Spike.”
“It’s good to have you back,” Dawn whispered.
“Hear that?” Buffy asked. “Get some rest, Spike. You’ll feel better in the morning.” Spike relaxed again, and Buffy motioned toward the kitchen. “You hungry?”
“Nah. I filled up on junk food at the party. I couldn’t eat another bite. I’m gonna get a shower and go to bed.”
“Okay,” Buffy said slowly. “G’night.”
“Night,” Dawn chirped before rushing up the stairs. Buffy stared after her for a few seconds, before Spike shifted on the couch, and she turned her attention to sun-proofing the house so she didn’t wake up to a pile of ashes covering the couch.
***
Buffy woke in the morning with a sore neck. When she opened her eyes, she realized she was staring at a leg of the coffee table. Groaning, she stood up, rubbing her neck. She looked over to the couch, where Spike was no longer laying. Her heart began to race, and she wondered if she’d dreamed it all, but when she stood up and tripped over the same leg she’d been staring at, the water in the bowl sitting on the top of the coffee table sloshed around, spilling out onto the glass top.
“Oh,” she muttered, narrowing her eyes and looking through the dim house. When she walked into the kitchen, Dawn was sitting there in her pajamas, looking far from happy.
“If you’re wondering where your boyfriend is, he’s hogging the hot water. Like he needs it. He’s a friggin’ vampire.” She rolled her eyes.
“Whoa, moody,” Buffy muttered.
“Sorry. I have a meeting before school, and I don’t want to smell like cigarettes all day.” Buffy raised an eyebrow.
“Oh come on, Buffy. It was a high school party. Of course kids are going to be smoking. I didn’t. But geez, I smell like a bar.”
“How would you know what a…oh, never mind.” Buffy rubbed at her sore neck again. Sleeping on the floor was only pleasant when it followed animal sex with a certain platinum-haired vampire. Even then, the results were the same. “Ow.”
“There’s not gonna be any water left. Tara had a shower before she left, and…”
“What time is it?”
“Seven.”
“OK. Doesn’t your school have showers in the gym?”
“Yeah, but Buffy, they smell like B.O.” Buffy crinkled her nose.
“Can you make due for one morning? Spike’s been through a lot…of which I know nothing about right now, but…”
“Fine, fine. But you’re gonna be the one to tell him that if he wants a shower in the morning he’s either gotta get up with the chickens, or he has to wait ‘til after I’m gone.”
“Noted. Go on.” Dawn cringed and headed upstairs to get dressed in her gym clothes, packing her school clothes in with her books. When she was gone, Buffy went back to the kitchen and dug around in the fridge. She found an unopened container of pig’s blood from the butcher. She wondered at what point pig’s blood went bad. She was definitely not going to smell it, but hey, it wasn’t like it’d kill him to drink a little bit of old blood.
She poured the sticky liquid into a mug and put it in the microwave. When she heard footsteps coming down the stairs, a whirlwind of questions and emotions flooded through her.
The loud beep of the microwave distracted her, and she turned to retrieve his blood, just as he walked in. When she turned around, her curious eyes met his tired ones from across the counter. She gave him a quick once over. He was wearing the shirt she’d taken from his crypt, and apparently the same jeans he’d been in last night. But, he looked refreshed.
“I thought you might be hungry,” she offered, handing the mug out to him. He didn’t really have much of an appetite, but at the first scent of blood, he felt the hunger beginning to rise.
“Thanks, pet.”
He reached out, taking the mug from her, drinking the blood down in a few quick gulps, his features changing in the process. She didn’t take her eyes off of him.
When he was done, his features changed again, and he was no longer on the bumpy side. She smiled a little and took the cup from him, rinsing it out so the blood wouldn’t dry to the sides. She sat down across from him at the counter, and they could only look at each other. He had so much to tell her and didn’t know where to begin, while she had so many questions to ask, and didn’t know which ones to ask first.
“Are we gonna talk about it?” she finally spoke.
“What part do you want to hear first?” Buffy shivered at that response, not quite sure how to take it.
“How’d you get back here?”
“Honestly, pet, I’m not quite sure of that myself.” Buffy narrowed her eyes at him. “The past few weeks…I don’t remember much about what was going on around me. I’ve been sort of…in my own head.”
“Okay,” she said quietly. “Where did you go?” Spike cleared his throat.
“Africa.”
“Africa!” she exclaimed. “What…”
“It’s the only place I could go. I had to do it then, because I didn’t know when I’d get the chance again.”
“Do what, exactly?” He tried to read her features, wondering how and when he should give her the news. But, he winced in pain first.
“Spike?”
“Could you help me, luv? I need a little help with the bandages.” He motioned toward his chest.
“Oh. Sure. Um, follow me.” He followed her up the stairs and into the large bathroom. He sat down on the edge of the bath tub, and she pulled a stood over to sit across from him. He removed his shirt slowly, and she could see that some of the faded bruises he’d had last night were completely gone, whereas some of the darker ones were barely visible now. The gashes had healed up a little, and they weren’t quite as deep anymore.
Buffy reached for the peroxide, but he stopped her.
“No need for any of that. They’ll heal fast enough on their own.”
“Right,” Buffy said quietly. She bit her lower lip, as she began to re-gauze and bandage his chest. “Spike, what the hell happened to you?” Spike reached up, taking her hand in his for a minute, holding her palm flat against his covered wounds. “You didn’t call. You…you didn’t…”
“I need to hear you say it, pet,” he whispered. “I need to know you mean it before I tell you what I’m about to tell you.”
“Spike…you’re…you’re kinda scaring me.” She blinked a few times, trying to figure out what he was hiding.
“When you said it on the phone, I wanted to come back to you; forget what I was gonna do completely. But I had to…but I…I need you to say it.” The softness of his voice and the vulnerability in his eyes made a lump form in her throat, and she fought to find her voice again.
Swallowing hard, she put her free hand against his cheek, and she leaned in, brushing her lips faintly against his. When she pulled back, she looked right into his eyes, her cheeks blushing a bit, but she didn’t care. She had to get used to saying it aloud.
“Spike, I love you.” He let out a slow breath, afraid to blink as he read her emotions. A small smile curled up on her lips, and she continued to blush. He smiled back, feeling nothing else behind her words except for the truth.
“I love you,” he said with a nod. “I don’t think I would’ve left if you’d said it before…”
“I don’t understand, Spike. Why did you leave?” His eyes searched hers for a second before he looked away. He let go of her hand, and she continued to work on patching him up. “I’m not mad anymore. I’m just…I just need to know why you had to go.” He swallowed hard, trying to find his own words. Finally, he opened his mouth again.
“I wanted to be good for you.”
“You are good for me, Spike.” She crinkled her brows in confusion. What was he getting at?
“I…I wanted to make sure…to be sure…I wanted this for us.”
“Wanted what? I don’t…” Spike placed his hand over hers again.
“Spike…”
“I didn’t know it would hurt, but it…it was worth it.” Buffy shook her head.
“You’re not making any sense. Where’d you get these cuts, Spike? Is that what you’re talking about?”
“I knew going in that I’d be tested.” His voice had the hint of a quiver in it. “I knew if I didn’t pass the tests, I wasn’t worth of…of anything.” She felt a twinge of sadness in her heart. Had he really not felt that he meant so much to her? “But I passed, Buffy. And I got what I came for. I just…I didn’t expect it’d hurt the way it did. Angelus told me about it once. I didn’t really think he was serious. But I could feel them. Every last one of ‘em. I remembered every single person I ever killed, and I could feel the pain.” Buffy’s features changed so slowly as he spoke, but when he looked back into her eyes, they were wide with knowledge.
“Oh my God.” She put down the bandages, her hands suddenly sweating. She rubbed them against her pants, trying to dry them off.
“First I thought I made a mistake. I tried to…I tried to cut it out.”
“Spike…you…”
“But then I thought of you, and the pain wasn’t so bad. I know how it sounds, but that’s how it happened, luv. And the next thing I knew…I was on your doorstep. This is the first time I’ve been able to…to even think about anything else, pet. Seeing your face brought me out of it. I can’t explain what it’s like…”
“Your…you…”
“I can feel it, Buffy. My soul.” Her face turned a bit of a paler shade.
“Why’d you…”
“I don’t figure you’d understand it. But it’s something I had to have. I had to prove to you…I had to prove that I was the kind of man you could love.” She wasn’t sure she could find the words, but she forced them out. The same expression lingering on her face, she took a deep breath.
“You didn’t have to prove that. I already knew.” It hit him then, and he reached out for her hands, squeezing her warm fingers in his cold ones.
“I guess…I just needed to prove it to myself, luv.” He looked down. “I’ve never experienced anything like it, Buffy. I can see all of them. Like pictures in my head.” His voice broke. “They were terrified, and I…I wanted them to be.” Buffy didn’t even bat a lash. Instead, her hand moved back to his covered wounds.
“You wanted to go through all of that just to prove to yourself that I could really love you?”
“Didn’t exactly fancy the pain part, but…yeah.” Buffy blinked a few times before standing up. He was a little stunned by her actions.
“If that wasn’t romantic, I’d punch you in the face.”
“I…what?”
“You know…everybody’s been questioning everything I’ve thought…everything I’ve done since I came back. That’s exactly what you did when you went to Africa.” She knew she shouldn’t be getting mad right now, especially when he had enough on his mind, but she couldn’t help herself. “There’s nothing wrong with me. The only thing that’s different is that I gave up trying to hate you. And when I did that, I fell in love.” She shook her head, as he stood up to face her. “And you couldn’t even see…”
“Buffy,” he muttered, taking her hands in his again. She didn’t pull back, but she didn’t look him in the eye. She looked down at their joined hands. “I knew it was you. I knew nothing was wrong. But I didn’t want to hurt you. I needed to make sure that…that if something ever did go wrong, that I wouldn’t hurt you.”
“The chip.”
“I don’t care about the soddin’ chip, Buffy. I could hurt you in other ways, even if it the chip did fire.” His voice was careful, and she shivered. “I couldn’t let it happen. I wanted to get my soul back, because you’ve had enough pain for three lifetimes.”
“Vampires aren’t supposed to be selfless either,” she muttered. “You scared the hell out of me, Spike.”
“I’m sorry, luv.” He swallowed hard, and he sat back down. She sat down too, now able to look into his eyes again.
“What you did…I don’t know how…”
“I didn’t just do it for you, pet,” he said with a soft smile. “I did it for us. It’s safe to say that now, right?” Buffy couldn’t help but smile, and she leaned in, kissing him again.
“Yeah. I think it’s pretty safe.”
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