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Chapter 19: Help

“Oh my God,” Buffy breathed, as she lay naked, draped over Spike in her bed. “I forgot how good this was.” He nuzzled his nose against her hair, taking in her scent, closing his eyes. “I didn’t…you’re ok, right? I didn’t think that asking you if you’d rather sleep on my bed would result in a trail of clothes down the hall leading my room.” She kicked one of her socks off of the mattress.

“I’m not complaining, pet,” he said breathlessly. She smiled, continuing to lay on him, gently resting her chin in the middle of his chest, as her hand caressed the bandages covering his soon-to-be non-existent wounds. “S’all I could think about when I wasn’t with you.” He wrapped his arms snugly around her. “Don’t know what it is about you, Slayer, but you make this easier.”

“Make what easier?” Spike thought for a moment, letting out a slow breath. Buffy lazily traced circles on the uninjured part of his chest, waiting for his answer.

“When I first started re-living it…feeling what they felt…I wanted to haul myself out into the sun and get it over with. Thought that would make things right, but I can’t ever make up for what I did. I know that. Seeing you…seeing the way you’re looking at me just like now…it helps me.”

“Good,” Buffy said with a nod, patting his cheek. “You didn’t know what was going to happen to you when you were sired. You can’t blame yourself for the things you did before…”

“Can’t I? Up until I got that bloody chip put in my skull, I was still…” He took a deep breath. “We’ve been saying I’m not like other vampires. Not the textbook case. But what if that’s not true? I fell in love with you, sure, but I still craved blood. I even craved the hunt. If I could’ve killed someone…”

“Spike,” Buffy cut him off, “do you still crave blood?”

“Well, yeah. I’m a vampire.”

“Do you want to kill?” Spike furrowed his brows at that question. His own answer surprised him.

“Not really, no.” She could feel him shudder beneath him. “Those dreams were enough to keep me off of that for the rest of my life. It’d be better for everybody if we didn’t switch up my diet. No human blood.”

“Well, I wasn’t exactly volunteering any of my friends. Not like you could, Mr. Chippy.”

“That’s Mr. Soul…y…now.” He made a face.

“Yeah, you really should leave the cute names to me,” she teased, moving up to kiss him. “I’m just glad you’re back. Next time you decide to take off to Africa or something like that, tell me.”

“Don’t plan on going anywhere just now, pet.” He smiled at her. When she looked into his eyes, she could see he was still going through an emotional war inside. He probably would be for quite some time.

“So…you really are ok?”

“If you’re asking if I’m going to go off brooding and trying to atone for all the nasty things I did in my past for the rest of eternity, no. Nothing I do is gonna change what happened. Doesn’t make it any less wrong. It’s something I’m gonna have to live with. We’ve all got our demons. Guess I just have a little bit more than most.” He ran his thumb over her lower lip. “I figure I can throw myself into working with you again. We make a good team, don’t we pet?” Buffy nodded.

“Yeah. We do,” she agreed. Despite the fact that she knew she shouldn’t think so, part of her was glad that he wasn’t going to loathe himself for the rest of time for what he’d done. He was a vampire after all. He didn’t have to have a soul at all, but he’d gone for one. That was enough atonement, in her book, and even that was a lot. She sighed, curling her fingers into his hair.

“What is it, pet?”

“Nothing. I’m just glad I don’t have to sleep alone anymore.” Spike raised an eyebrow. “I mean…well, not on the nights you stay over.” Her cheeks blushed.

“Oh. There for a minute I thought you were asking me to move in.” Buffy smiled nervously at that.

“Well, you’re here most of the time anyway,” she explained. “But you’ve got your crypt, and it’s safer there. At least at the crypt you don’t have to worry about somebody accidentally leaving a curtain open or…” He hushed her with a kiss.

“We don’t have to make any plans right now, pet.”

“You’re right,” she nodded. Lame, Buffy. Really lame, she thought to herself. She heard his stomach growl and smiled. “C’mon. Let’s get you some more blood.”

***

It had started off normally. They’d been down in the kitchen. Buffy was picking at part of a double fudge brownie, while Spike nursed a mug of blood. When Buffy had left the room to use the bathroom, Spike’s thoughts had begun to wander, and by the time Buffy returned to the kitchen, he was slumped over on the bench, gripping either side of his head and writhing in pain.

After the pain had stopped, Buffy had helped him into the living room to sit on the couch. His nose was bleeding, and when it had finally stopped, she’d asked him what was wrong. He stared at her, realizing this was a lot more serious than he’d imagined before.

“I was thinking about a girl,” he muttered. “Young thing, about fifteen. It was 1922, and she was walking home from some town social or something.” He closed his eyes, rubbing his temples as the pain throbbed in his head. “I cornered her in an alley. Taunted her for a while.” He winced at the memory, and he caught the same wince in Buffy’s features. “I thought it made the kill more exciting. Fear. I could smell it pouring out of her. Then I snapped her neck.” He groaned a little, the pain intensifying for a minute.

“You…you mean the memory triggered the chip to fire?” Spike nodded weakly.

“Yeah. S’happened before. Just thought it was part of the process of adjusting to the soul and everything. But…it’s getting worse.” Buffy felt that lump growing in her throat again, while a knot twisted tightly in her stomach.

“Ok. Then we have to do something about it.”

“Like what, Buffy? The bloody Initiative is…”

“The Initiative. Riley!” she exclaimed, her eyes brightening. “I can call him.”

“How’re you gonna do that?” he asked, rubbing his temples.

“He left a number I could contact him at…if there’s an emergency.”

“You think it’ll work? You think they’re allowed to just…just send their numbers off for people to reach them? It isn’t that simple, pet.”

“I have to try, Spike,” she encouraged. “Getting your soul back shouldn’t mean you should be in agony like this. I’m guessing whatever happened when you got your soul back triggered a defect. I don’t know the jargon, obviously, but Riley would know someone…”

“Fantastic. My fate’s going to be left up to Captain Cardboard. I should just stake myself now and…”

“Stop that,” Buffy wanted. “Don’t move. I’ll be back.” She headed upstairs to her bedroom and began rummaging through old letters and other pieces of information she’d written down. Somewhere buried between a phone bill and an e-mail account password was the number Riley had scrawled down for her before their breakup. It was an in case of emergency number that someone would always answer.

Taking a deep breath, she picked up the phone and dialed. Two rings later, and a gruff voice picked up.

“Pauly’s Pizza.”

“Pauly?” Buffy asked. “Um…I’m looking for a Riley Finn. Um…he said this number would be…”

“Don’t know a Finn. Sounds like you got the wrong number.”

“Oh, I get it,” Buffy guessed, “this is one of those government cover ups. Oh…wow, I probably shouldn’t have said that. Look, if a guy name Finn comes in…tell him that Buffy called, and there’s a problem with the chip. He’ll know what I’m talking about.”

“Yeah, and if you see any pigs flying around, let me know, ‘cause we’re running out of bacon.” The line went dead, and Buffy scoffed.

“Jerk.” She hurried back down the stairs, where Spike was in the throes of what seemed to be another misfiring of the chip.

“Any luck?”

“Pauly the pizza guy needs to learn a few things about customer service.” She frowned, shaking her head and running her fingers through her hair. “We can’t do anything right now, but when the sun goes down, we’ll go out and break in the back way. There’s got to be something there we can use to fix this.”

“Buffy,” Spike murmured, “if it can’t be fixed…”

“We’re not thinking that way.” She tried to sound positive, but she sounded more concerned than anything. “Sit here. I’m gonna give Willow a call and find out if there’s anything I can make you to help with the pain.”

“Pain’s gone now,” he muttered.

“Just in case,” she offered. He nodded, and she headed off to make a telephone call.

***

“This is horrible,” Spike grimaced; taking a slow, second sip of the brew Buffy had made for him.

“Is it helping?” He’d had another episode with the chip just after she’d gotten off the phone with Willow.

“Yeah,” he murmured. “But it tastes like poison.”

“Good thing you’re a vampire and can’t be harmed by anything but pointy wooden stakes or sunlight.” She smiled at him, and if it wouldn’t have hurt his head, he’d have growled at her. “Come on. Drink it down.”

“I’m not a child, you know.”

“You’re stalling.” Spike grumbled something into the cup but drank it down anyway. Buffy got up again and continued pacing. But she was distracted from her thoughts when the doorbell rang. Furrowing her brows, she went over to answer it, and she was surprised to see Xander standing there.

“Xander?”

“Hey, Buffy,” he said quietly. “I, um, I was on the phone with Willow when you called her. She beeped back over…said something sounded wrong. Is everything ok?” Buffy leaned out the door a little, trying to keep it as closed as possible.

“Uh, yeah,” she nodded. “Everything’s great. Just, um, needed a little girl talk.” Xander caught a faint whiff of cologne. She forced a smile, though she wondered why she should even have to. He knew he still wasn’t her favorite person right now.

“Are you sure? We might have some differences right now, but I still care about you, Buffy.”

“I’m fine, Xander. Aren’t you supposed to be at work, anyway?”

“I took a long lunch. Are you gonna let me in?” Buffy cringed inwardly.

“I’m really…I was just getting ready to…”

“What’s going on?” he asked, reading her like a book. Buffy didn’t have time to answer, however, because a loud scream from the living room spoke volumes. “What the…” He brushed past her, barging into the house only to see Spike writhing in pain on the couch. Buffy rushed past Xander and sat down next to Spike.

“What happened?”

“Another memory,” he murmured. “I…it just hit me. It was worse than the last time. I…AHHH!” He gripped either side of his head, and Buffy winced, hating seeing and hearing the pain he was in, when he was normally a very strong individual.

“What’s happening to him?” Xander asked, eyes wide with concern. Buffy felt like spitting out some childish remark like ‘why do you care, or what’s it to you?’ but she couldn’t. Not right now.

“His chip’s misfiring.” She handed Spike the brew that Willow had told her about, and he took another sip.

“Isn’t working,” he groaned.

“Come on. Let’s get you upstairs.”

“No…basement. It’s darker,” he groaned. Buffy helped him up, but the pain was so strong that he had trouble holding himself up. But, with her support, the two managed to get down the stairs together, while Xander looked on in shock.

“We’ll figure something out. I’ll call Giles, and…”

“He won’t know a bloody thing,” Spike groaned. “Don’t think ‘Behavioral Modification Software Throughout the Ages’ would be a topic in any of his books.” Buffy frowned.

“You’re right.” Sighing, she stood up angrily. “There has to be something we can do.” A few more back and forth paces, and then, “I’m gonna try to get Riley again.”

“Don’t bother, luv,” he whispered, reaching out and gripping her hand. “Even if you did get through, don’t think he’d wanna help me.”

“I have to do something. I just…” He grabbed his head again, and he gritted his teeth. “I’m gonna go make you some more of that tea. Just try not to…to remember anything else.” She rushed up the steps and into the kitchen, where Xander was standing, awkwardly leaning against the wall. She glanced at him once before gathering up the ingredients for the brew again.

“When’d he get back?”

“Do you really wanna talk about this?” Buffy eyed him suspiciously, wondering why he even cared.

“Buffy…” He didn’t sound ready for a fight, so she decided to go ahead and give him a chance. Though the second he started acting like an ass, she was going to be ready to throw him out.

“He got back last night.”

“Ok. What’s wrong with him?”

“I don’t know. His chip’s been misfiring. That’s why I called Willow. I needed her help putting something together for his headache. Something that would work on vampires, obviously.”

“Yeah,” Xander said stiffly. “So what’re you gonna do?”

“I don’t know. I tried to call Riley, but I got Pauly’s Pizza instead.” She made a face. “I was gonna take Spike with me after dark, but I think I should go now…go down to where the Initiative was. Maybe I can find something.”

“Go alone?”

“Well, why not? Spike’s probably better off resting.”

“I could go with you.”

“Why would you wanna do that? Why would you want anything to do with helping Spike?”

“Damn it, Buffy, I’m trying here.”

“Yeah? Well, it’s gonna take a lot more than that. You have no idea how much of a jerk you’ve been to me. To a lot of people, actually. You used to be one of my closest friends, but I guess the moment I start having a life separate from our little group of friends, all of my actions are…are what? Subject to your stupid jabs at my expense? Some friend.” She crossed her arms and glared at him, feeling her cheeks growing hot with anger.

“Buffy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the things I said. I just know you can do a lot better than Spike, and…”

“I don’t want anybody else. You could parade the nicest guy on the planet around in front of me, and I wouldn’t care. I don’t want anybody else. You don’t get that.”

“He’s not good for you, Buffy.”

“That’s not for you to decide.” A knock at the door was music to Buffy’s ears, and she brushed past Xander to answer it. The man standing before her was unfamiliar, but something about the way he stood reminded her of how stiff and straight-laced the Initiative soldiers had been. “Uh…can I help you?”

“Miss Summers?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m Agent Cooper. I’m here about Hostile 17.”


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