Chapter 40: The Wedding
After a beautiful wedding ceremony in which Anya gracefully got through her vows without making mention of Xander’s penis or any of their sexual escapades, the crowd gathered together in the reception hall. The wedding party sat at a long table at the front, and the bride and groom pieced on cake and other goodies while people Buffy had never met before came up to slip them cash and wish them congratulations. Buffy couldn’t help but feel a little saddened by the fact that she would never get this. She’d never get the wedding reception. She’d never be the beautiful bride walking down the aisle toward the man she loves.
But it was something she could live without, because Spike was the one she wanted. She didn’t need the fancy party or the dress, but it was nice to fantasize about.
“The best…woman would like to make a toast,” Tara announced, clinking her spoon against her glass. Everyone at the reception tables turned to look at the wedding party. Willow smiled nervously and stood up.
“Thanks sweetie.” She cleared her throat. “I’ve known Xander since we were playing in the sandbox at school together. He’s always been a good friend to me, and he’s literally saved my life more times than I can count. There was a time when I thought maybe I could be the girl sitting by his side on this day, sharing these memories with him, but obviously things have changed.” She patted Tara’s hand, and the audience chuckled. “Now, I’m just happy to share this memory with him. Watching him sitting there, looking all grown up in that tux…don’t let the suit fool you. He’s still the same boy that stole my Barbie when we were five. But, he’s also a good man, and Anya’s lucky to have him in her life.” She raised a glass, and everyone raised theirs as well. Buffy brought the glass to her lips when everyone else did, though she didn’t take a sip. Surely nobody would notice. Nobody cared about the bridesmaids anyway. All eyes were on the bride and groom.
The dance floor began to crowd with couples, and Buffy spotted Spike hanging around the punch bowl. She smiled and sauntered over to him, where she found him pouring the contents of his flask into it.
“Spike!” she exclaimed, swatting his arm.
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. I can’t drink that now!” Spike smiled at her and handed her a cup.
“That’s why I dipped this for you first.”
“Oh,” she muttered. “Well, what if I want more?”
“How much longer are we gonna be here? I wanna take you home, rip you out of that god-awful dress and ravage you.”
“It’s not that bad.” Spike cocked an eyebrow. “OK, it’s hideous. I like the sound of the ravaging part, by the way. But we need to stick around a little longer. It’s what good friends do.” She looked down at her green dress and frowned. “Maybe I’ll take it back, have it altered…a lot…make it into a snazzy cocktail dress. My present to myself for after the baby.”
“You know you look beautiful.”
“Yeah, but I’m gonna get really fat.”
“Not fat, luv. Pregnant. And I think it’s sexy.”
“Ok, here’s a side of you I didn’t think I’d see. The pregnancy bump gets you going, huh?”
“Something about the way a woman glows.”
“It’s called sweat from puking all morning.”
“Ok, getting a little less sexy when you put it that way.” Buffy giggled at that.
“Well, you’re stuck with me. You’ll be stuck with fat, sweaty, barfy Buffy. If you can’t handle that…”
“Oh, I’ll handle it.”
“Dirty,” she hissed, leaning in to give him a little kiss. “Come dance with me.”
“I don’t do dancing, luv, unless it’s the naked, dirty kind behind closed doors. Or, if you’re into it, with a few pair of eyes watching…” She swatted him again.
“You danced with me at the Bronze.”
“That was different.”
“Why? Because you were still trying to get into my pants?”
“Well…yeah.” Buffy made a face at him.
“You’re such a jerk.”
“But you love me.”
“Yeah,” she frowned. “You’re my jerk.”
“C’mon then,” he said, taking her hand, giving in. “Let’s show these tossers what real dancing looks like, shall we?” Buffy smiled and followed him out to join the crowd. She had to admit, Spike had cleaned himself up for the occasion. Not that he was normally dirty, but he was wearing a pair of black suit pants and a white, button down shirt with a black coat over it so he wouldn’t draw attention to exactly how pale he was.
He had left the gel out of his hair, and it was curly, which Buffy found adorable. She wondered if their baby’s hair would be that curly.
As they danced, Spike watched as Buffy’s eyes darted to Anya and Xander, and he could see the jealousy there. When she would look back at him, she’d just smile and keep dancing.
“I know what you’re thinking,” he murmured against her ear.
“What’s that?”
“You’re thinking about what you’re giving up to be with me.”
“What?”
“The white dress. The wedding registries. The party in your honor.”
“I’m not…” At Spike’s glance, she shrugged. “Was it that obvious?”
“A little.”
“It’s not that big a deal. I don’t care that I won’t get those things. I mean, I’d rather be with you than anyone else. It’d be nice to have all this someday, but you can’t marry…”
“A dead guy?” Buffy flinched at his words. “I might walk and talk like a man. I might shag and feel emotions and fall in love, but it doesn’t change the fact that my heart’s not beating. Doesn’t change the fact that if it weren’t for the demon inside of me, I’d be lying six feet under; food for the worms.”
“Spike…”
The more he thought about it, the more he wondered if he was just being a selfish bastard. It wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. He loved her. And he knew without a doubt that she loved him. He saw it in her eyes every night. He saw it in her eyes right now. And they were having this baby together which was a miracle in itself. But when it all came down to it, he was dead. Not just dead. He was a corpse that couldn’t go out in the daylight. Couldn’t take his kid out to the park on a sunny day to help teach them how to write a bike. Couldn’t be a normal dad that a normal kid deserved.
Suddenly, they were standing still in a sea of swaying, smiling bodies. She was looking up at him, wondering what on earth was going through his head.
“I’m sorry, Pet. I have to...” He couldn’t finish the sentence. He walked off, and she felt her heart stop. Tears welled in her eyes at the sight of him leaving the dance floor and going out into the hall. Him walking away…well, that was a sight she never wanted to see.
“Buffy?” Dawn tapped her sister on the shoulder, and Buffy turned around, tears in her eyes. “What happened? I saw Spike leave, and…”
“I..he’s just…um…”
“Go on,” Dawn urged. “Don’t let him get away.” Buffy nodded, blinking back her tears, and she hurried off as fast as she could in those heels. She found Spike searching the guest coat closet for his blanket.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“I have to go, Buffy.”
“Go where?”
“Away from this…”
“Away from me? And the baby? Where to this time, Spike? Australia? Brazil? Where?”
“Don’t do this, Buffy, please.”
“No! No, we’re doing this right now!” She grabbed his arm and tugged him down the hall. He didn’t put up a struggle, and he followed her into the ladies’ dressing room. A quick peek around told her nobody was in there changing, so she reached around him and locked the door. “You are not getting out of this.”
“I don’t want out of it, Buffy. I want to be with you; with our baby. But what happens when you’re not home, and the kid gets sick at high noon? Or what happens when he asks why daddy can’t teach him how to play baseball on a hot summer’s day?” Buffy swallowed hard. “And you. You deserve a family that doesn’t have to wait until it’s past the kid’s bedtime to go out and do something.”
“Spike, please!”
“I love you, Buffy. I love you. Have for a long time. You’re…you’re all around me. But…but, maybe this isn’t fair to you. Maybe I’m the one that’s supposed to let you go.”
“Where is this coming from? Why now? Why? We’ve been fine!”
“Watching you watching them,” he said, shaking his head, “it just made me see all the things I can’t give you. You deserve more than what I have to offer.” Buffy shook her head.
“I don’t want those things. I want you, Spike. I want you, and I don’t care what that means. I don’t…” She sniffled and took a deep breath. “Our baby? Our baby’s gonna love you, because you love it. I’ve never seen a guy so…so in awe. I watch you put your head on my stomach and listen to the baby’s heartbeat, and I fall in love with you all over again.” She grabbed his hand and placed it against her flat stomach. “I love you, Spike, and whatever kind of life we can have is what I want, because you’ll be there. I don’t care if I never have the white dress. It was just…just a fantasy. I don’t care about this whole…wedding thing. As far as I’m concerned, we’re already married. That claim bonded us. That claim gave us this.” She looked down at her stomach where his hand still lingered under hers.
Spike closed his eyes. He could hear her heart beating so fast right now. He hated making her feel this way. He wanted all of the things she claimed she wanted, but the doubt was still there.
“What happens in thirty years when you resent me for not letting you go?”
“Resent you?” She backed away. “You didn’t choose this for me. I did. This is what I wanted. I died, Spike, but before that, I only saw the things I thought I wanted. When I came back? I wanted you. I wanted as much as you as I could get in whatever amount of time I have left here. You can’t just give up.”
“I’m not…”
“It sure as hell sounds like you are!”
“No! I just want you to be happy!”
“Well, newsflash. These tears? Not happy!” Spike reached out for her, and he drew her in close.
“Why do you want to be with me? Why do you…”
“Why? Because of this,” she muttered through her tears. “You…you’re willing to let me go if it would make me happy. You’d just give it all up so I could have the kind of life you think I should have.” She shook her head. “But the kind of life Anya wants? Not the kind of life I want. I’m the Slayer, Spike. I’m not exactly a candidate for normalcy. You know me better than to think I could ever want a life with somebody who couldn’t accept me for everything that I am, good and bad.” Spike felt a lump rise in this throat, and he gently cupped her cheek with his palm.
“Just don’t want you to regret…” Her hand moved up to his and rested above it. She shook her head, smiling a little.
“No regrets, remember? We’ve talked about this before. You asked me…what if I want a family someday? I have my family. You, Dawn, and this baby are my family.”
“And you’re mine,” he whispered, leaning his forehead against hers. He felt her shaking in his arms. “I want you to be happy. I want to do this with you and not have any doubts that it’s exactly what you want.”
“Of course it’s what I want, you big, dumb vampire!” she exclaimed, pulling back to look in his eyes. “I thought I was the one that was supposed to get all hormonal and crazy. Look at you.”
“Buffy, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Well you did. Your intentions were good, but...” She shook her head. “After everything…how could you question what I want?”
“I’m sorry, Buffy.” She nodded.
“I know. And if you hadn’t been thinking of mine and the baby’s best interest, I’d have had you tied to a chair to keep you from walking out of my life.” Spike cocked his head to the side.
“I’m not going anywhere, as long as you’ll have me.”
“I’ll always have you. And if you ever think that you’re not good enough for me again, I swear I’ll kick your ass. Even if I’m puffy, bloated, and wider than a whale. I’ll find a way.” She pulled her arms around him again and rested her head on his chest. “Don’t ever scare me like that, again, Spike.”
“I won’t, pet. I’m sorry.”
“Let’s just…move past this right now, ok? No turning back. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and our baby. If I want the white dress, I’ll buy one. If I want presents, I’ll lie and tell people I’m getting married so I can get the gifts.” Spike chuckled at that. “Ok?”
“Ok,” he assured her. “And just to be clear? I don’t plan on ever letting you go. So even if you ask me thirty years down the road, I won’t change my mind.” Buffy smiled.
“Good. You better not. If either one of us ever thinks about giving up, neither one is bowing out, ok? We made this happen, Spike. We made this bond, and that’s a forever thing.” She placed her hand on his chest and looked at her ring. “This ring…it means more than a little piece of paper saying we’re legal ever could. Understand?” Spike took that hand in his and placed a soft kiss there.
“Perfectly.”
“You better.” She moved away from him and looked in the mirror. “Thank God for waterproof mascara.” He came up behind her, placing a kiss on her shoulder.
“Let me make it up to you.”
“We can’t…not…here.” He spun her around in his arms, and his blue eyes sparkled as they stared into hers. He leaned forward, pressing a tender kiss to her forehead and then to her lips. When he finally pulled back, he watched her lower lip tremble. She nearly melted into him.
“Ok. Here’s good.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Well, here we are at Chapter 40! New banner, too!
Chapter End Notes:
Please let me know what you thought! Feedback is always a great way to encourage writing. ;) This might be my last chapter for a couple of days, so having lots of reviews to read when I get back would be awesome!