Chapter 43: Self-Doubt
“Voraos. How is it spelled?” Spike couldn’t help but give Giles a ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’ look.
“Let me think. Hmm…nope, he didn’t stick around long enough for a sodding spelling bee.” Giles cast an annoyed glance at Spike but went on.
“Tell me exactly what he said again.”
“For the last time, Rupert, all he said is that we’re in danger. And he said to look within, whatever the bloody hell that means. Look within what? Within myself? Within the city limits? Could mean any sodding thing. Bloke wasn’t very precise.” He leaned back in the chair at the Magic Box. Buffy paced in front of the table, while Giles sat there looking through books.
“So something wants to hurt my baby? Can’t say I’m surprised.”
“Spike, you said that he said forces will target the child. Not that they’re targeting it now.”
“Yeah, but I don’t see what difference it makes. Whether they’re after it now or later, doesn’t make it any better.”
“But he said demons don’t care. That it’s just something else for them to target to get to me. So who is it? A witch? A god?” She shuddered at the memory of Glory. “I wanna know what’s after my baby so I can stop it before it’s too late.”
“Here,” Giles gasped, pushing his glasses up. “Voraos.” Buffy stopped pacing, and Spike leaned forward to listen to the Watcher’s words. “Voraos is an ancient prophet.”
“Oh great. I’m prophecy girl again.”
“No, not necessarily. Voraos works differently. He appears out of the ether to warn of upcoming challenges and trials. His words may not bear any meaning at the time they’re spoken.”
“So…you’re saying he’s telling us this is going to happen, but nobody’s after the baby right now?” Spike deducted.
“Quite possibly,” Giles considered.
“So this Voraos guy isn’t evil?” Buffy wondered. “He’s just telling us to look out?”
“I’m the only other person besides Wesley that knows about the baby, correct?”
“Well, Dawn knows now,” Buffy pointed out. “But I don’t think she’s looking to destroy her shot at being an aunt. And Wesley? He seemed pretty ok with the whole thing.” She looked at Spike. “You didn’t tell anybody, did you?”
“’Course not.” Buffy nodded.
“Ok, and I didn’t. And Giles?” At his annoyed glance, she shrugged. “Just checking.” She frowned and grabbed the book Giles was reading from. “Ok, so Voraos was warning you that somebody’s gonna come after our baby. Somebody within. Like…Council within?” Spike’s eyes widened at the thought.
“It’s very possible,” Giles agreed. “They may sign my paychecks, but I wouldn’t trust them as far as I could throw them.” He shook his head. “Still, we can’t be sure of anything. Not until the truth is out. And when are you planning on letting others know about the baby?”
“After Xander and Anya get back from their trip,” Buffy replied. “But I’m starting to think that’s not such a good idea. I mean, if word gets out about me having this baby…what’s gonna happen? I mean, demons are gonna be coming after me thinking I’m weak now. And I’m gonna have to worry about the things this Voraos guy said coming true.”
“Buffy, we’ll take every precaution to insure yours and the baby’s safety,” Giles assured her.
“Yeah,” Buffy said quietly. “Scary thing is…this doesn’t feel any different than any other day in my life? Except it’s not just me I’m trying to save now.” He placed her hand on her stomach. “Looks like I’m just gonna have to be more careful from now on.”
***
Patrol that night was a bust. Buffy and Spike hadn’t run into any demons or new vampires. Both were glad they could turn in early. Dawn was staying at a friend’s for the night, and Willow and Tara were pulling an all-nighter at the Magic Box researching protection spells and other things.
Buffy was the first to speak when she and Spike entered the bedroom.
“So what do we do? We just…wait until we tell people we’re pregnant, and then we wait for…for what? Dissention in the ranks?”
“Dunno,” Spike said quietly, as he and Buffy changed into their sleepwear. Spike’s consisted of absolutely nothing, while Buffy settled on a comfy pair of stretchy pants and a white tank top. Then they piled into bed together.
He immediately moved to a position he normally found himself in at night. Facing her, his hand on her belly.
“Won’t let anything happen to you. Either of you. You know I’d die before I let anything happen, right?” Buffy smiled a little and nodded.
“I know that. I just wish…” She shook her head, hating all this confusion. “I just wish what Voraos said was a lot clearer. I hate not knowing.”
“Just take it a step at a time, luv. That’s all we can do.”
“I know. You’re right,” she agreed. She smiled a little and leaned in to kiss him.
“Let’s get some rest, yeah? Feel a lot better in the morning.” She nodded in agreement, reached over to turn out the light, and curled herself into his arms to fall asleep against his chest.
***
“Spike, the baby!” Buffy exclaimed, as she rushed down the hall to the nursery. Spike was right behind her. The shattering glass in the room down the hall was enough to make them pick up the pace. As they reached the room, Buffy saw the demon standing over the child’s crib. He reached in, and the child began to wail.
“No!” Spike screamed. He lunged at the demon, which reached out, knocking him back against the wall. Buffy went in wielding a battle ax in one hand, and she forced the demon around and out of the nursery. Spike moved to check on the child. He saw the pink-faced, squalling infant kicking its feet in the air, little fists flying as if it were attacking the demon. But when he lifted it out of the crib, he noticed a scratch on the poor child’s cheek. The demon had hurt it.
“S’alright,” he whispered, holding the child close to his chest. But the scent of blood filled his nostrils, and he felt his hunger growing. The demon inside of him roared. No. It couldn’t be like this. He hadn’t tasted a drop of human blood in…God, how long had it been? The thought of it made the desire burn deeper. “No!”
The roars of the demon in the hall echoed those of the demon in his body, and he pulled the child back, looking down at its helpless form. He brushed his finger over the cheek, gathering the warm blood there. Just a taste, he thought. Before he could stop himself, he brought his finger to his mouth and drank down the droplet of pure human blood. The most powerful blood he’d ever tasted. It was all that was needed to bring the demon out. His face changed, and the child stared up at him, shocked into silence, fear glistening in her tear-filled eyes.
“Spike?” Spike turned to look into Buffy’s eyes, the same eyes their child had. But he saw fear fill those eyes too when Buffy saw the demon in him, blood staining his lip. “No! Spike!” But before she could move to stop him, he held the child up, exposing its tender little neck, and then he sank his fangs deep within.
***
“No!” he screamed, sitting up in bed, fear paralyzing him as Buffy sat up next to him.
“Oh God. Spike? What is it?” she asked frantically, placing her hand on his bare back. He shrunk away from her.
“No…don’t…oh God, stay away from me.”
“Spike?!”
“Don’t…I…” Buffy turned on the bedside lamp and looked into his fear-filled eyes.
“Spike? What happened?” She got out of bed and moved around to stand in front of him. She placed her hands on his shoulders. “Spike? What is it? What happened?” He was shaking now, and she began to rub her hands up and down his arms. But it didn’t help. “It was a dream, wasn’t it?”
“I hurt the baby,” he breathed. “It was me, Buffy.”
“No,” she whispered. “The baby’s ok. The baby’s fine…here…feel.” She took his hand in hers and placed it over the barely-there bump. He let his hand linger there for only a moment before withdrawing it.
“I drank from it. I…I hurt the…”
“Spike!” Buffy exclaimed, “it was just a dream.”
“He said ‘look within,’” he panted. “It’s me. I’m gonna hurt our baby.” Buffy felt the fear rising inside of her, but she wasn’t afraid of him. She was afraid of what these thoughts were going to do to him.
“No, baby,” she breathed. “You’re not…you’re just afraid. Your dreams are just…they’re not real, Spike. Our baby’s fine.”
“He said…he said…strong forces. What’s stronger than a vampire?” he wondered. Buffy placed her hand against his cheek and looked into his eyes.
“A Slayer.” Spike blinked a couple of times. “Strong forces could mean anything, Spike. It’s not you. I know it’s not.”
“How can you…I don’t want to…” He rubbed his temples and moved away from her. “I can’t hurt the baby. I can’t hurt you.”
“You won’t.”
“You don’t know, Buffy. You just…”
“Spike, please…just stop. Please.” But he was pulling his clothes on. “What are you doing?”
“I can’t…I need to…I can’t be here. I’m not safe.”
“Spike,” Buffy pleaded, tears forming in her eyes. “Don’t do this!”
“Just to be safe,” he uttered. “Please…don’t stop me. I have to go.”
“No!” she screamed, not caring if she woke up the entire neighborhood. “Listen to me! It’s not you! It can’t be you!” She pulled her arms around him, trying to use her own strength to keep him from leaving. But he was too upset. He wriggled out of her arms easily, and he moved to the door, turning to face her.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this. Not if it means hurting my family.” And with that, he was gone, and she couldn’t even move. It was like a dream; a dream where her feet felt cemented to the floor, and she couldn’t run to save her life.
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Chapter End Notes:
I know it was a short chapter. I'm kinda starting to doubt myself...hence the self-doubt title, which obviously pertains to the story. Anyway, let me know what you thought. Thanks...