Chapter 5: Home Alone
When Buffy returned, it was only a little after noon. She sighed, knowing nobody would be home for hours. It would be her and Spike, and all they had to look forward to was a series of tense, avoidant gazes, innocent conversations that would make the slayer think far too much about the fact that her feelings for Spike were changing, and she had no control over it.
She placed her hand on the doorknob, saying a silent prayer that she’d be able to control herself. Maybe they’d have a pleasant conversation—one that wouldn’t lead to an argument—and things would be alright. But the moment she walked in the door, she dropped her keys to the floor with a loud clatter.
The sight before her was of Spike’s naked backside, as he slipped up the stairs, pretending not to notice that he’d just had an audience.
“Spike!” she yelled, despite her best attempts not to call out. She heard feet again, and then he was standing on the landing, completely naked, but this time, facing her. Her eyes went wide as they searched his body for only a fleeting moment, lingering a little too long at certain features that made the Chosen One blush like a naïve virgin. “Oh!” She turned around, and she could practically hear the smirk appear on his face. “What the Hell are you doing?! I could have been Dawn!”
“Dawn’s not home for another three hours, pet,” he breezed, “and if you were Willow or Tara, well, it’s not like it’d interest them. Nothing they haven’t seen before. Well, I’m not sure about Tara. I’m pretty sure she’s always been…”
“What are you doing walking around naked?”
“Well, I was going to get a shower,” he explained, smiling at the back of her head. “You’re home early.”
“This is my house, Spike. My house.”
“And you left me here alone. I didn’t expect you home for hours. So I thought, why not?”
“Well, put some clothes on when you’re done.” Spike started to take a step down the stairs, but Buffy held a hand out, turning further away from the sight. The gorgeous, god-like, hunk of vampire…sight. She shook her head, trying to shake off the feelings.
“But…”
“Go, Spike!”
“Pet, I…”
“Just get a shower.”
“Alright,” he said with a shrug, heading into the bathroom. Buffy moved into the kitchen, obliviously stepping past the pile of his clothes on the floor. She sat down on the couch, immediately turning the television on, trying to get the image of him standing there in front of her, completely naked, completely comfortable with his body and his sexuality, out of her head.
She could hear the water running upstairs, and she knew he was standing underneath the shower head, muscles rippling as the water streamed over them, hair soaking and curling, hands moving over his own body, lathering every inch. No! Bad thoughts. Stop thinking about Spike. He’s…he’s just a man. You’ve seen a naked man before. Albeit, not one so…gifted.
“Gah!” she groaned, leaning back on the couch, pulling a pillow over her head before tossing it across the room. This was so not fair. One minute, he was sweet and considerate. The next, he was parading around naked, obviously amused by her reactions. God, if only he could read thoughts. She sighed deeply, thanking the powers that be that vampires weren’t endowed with those powers.
It wasn’t long before the water shut off upstairs, and after a few minutes, she heard the door open, feet heading down the hall, down the stairs, past the landing, down more stairs, and…Spike was naked again!
“Spike!” she exclaimed.
“Sorry, luv, but you didn’t give me the chance to tell you my clothes are down here.”
“Oh,” she muttered, getting up and moving across the room, as he advanced toward the couch, bending down quickly to scoop up his clothes, giving her a nice view of the other muscles he possessed.
Why am I still looking?! She asked herself. She turned quickly, and despite knowing better, she was surprised when he began to dress behind her back rather than leaving the room.
“Next time, a towel would be nice.”
“Point taken, pet. “
“Good.”
“Right, then. Up for a movie?”
“What?”
“There’s nothing on the telly. I checked before I headed upstairs.”
“You think you can walk around naked in front of me and then just…casually ask if I want to watch a movie?” She realized she had her hands on her hips, and Spike was cocking his head to the side, giving her a funny look.
“Wow, it’s worse than I thought.”
“What?”
“You’re wound so tight, I’m amazed you can breathe, Slayer.”
“I am not!”
“Look at you. You can barely look me in the eye because you’ve seen me naked. You’ve seen Angel naked. You’ve seen…what’s his face. And Captain Cardboard. But when I walk by, you act like you’ve never…”
“Shut up, Spike.” Buffy moved back over to sit on the couch, realizing that the cologne he was usually wore smelled even better when it was freshly applied. She felt the first fluttering of butterflies in her stomach, which turned to stampeding elephants the moment he sat down next to her.
“Here. Take the clicker. See for yourself. Nothing’s on.”
“I think I will take that, thank you very much,” she huffed, taking the remote and flipping through the channels.
“Didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable, Slayer.”
“Don’t try to convince me that you feel bad about that. You might have changed, Spike, but you’re still…”
“What?”
“A bastard?” she offered.
“That’s the best you can do?”
“OK, I give. Nothing’s on. I guess a movie wouldn’t be so bad.”
“So long as it’s nothing girly. Something bloody or something with nudity. Yeah.”
“Pervert. I’m not watching some nudie movie with you.”
“I’m not asking you to watch porn, kitten.”
“Did you just call me kitten?” The room was silent, and Buffy threw up her hands. “I’m going to go lay down. I have a headache.” Spike thought about adding some sort of innuendo to that, but he decided against it. As she stepped up on the foot of the stairs, he called out. “Hey, Summers.” She turned to him, expecting some lude comment, but he just gave her a half-smile.
“It’s good to fight with you, pet. Just like old times.” She rolled her eyes but couldn’t help herself. She smiled at him and quickly rushed up the stairs to her room. Spike, still smiling, settled down on the couch to watch a movie.
***
As Buffy lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling, trying—and failing—to imagine anything other than Spike’s naked body, the phone rang. Grateful for the distraction, she picked the phone up off of the receiver.
“Summers residence.” There was a pause. Then a slow exhalation of breath.
“Buffy?”
“Giles?!”
“Good Lord, it is you.”
“Giles, where are you?” Buffy asked, tears welling in her eyes.
“Well, there’s been a delay. Weather’s terrible here, and they’re delaying my flight another day.”
“But you are coming back.”
“Most definitely,” he assured her. “I didn’t know what to believe when I got the call. You’re really…it’s really you?”
“It’s really me.”
“Forgive me for this, but, tell me something only Buffy would know.” A pause, and then…
“When I was in high school, you had sex with my mother on the hood of a police car.” Another pause. “Giles?”
“Yes, well,” he murmured, clearing his throat. “It’s possible that you told…”
“Trust me, Giles. I was mortified enough already. If word had gotten out…well, you know how it goes.”
“Yes, well. It’s good to hear your voice again. Are you adjusting?”
“I guess. Sometimes I feel like it. Others, not so much. It’s a change.”
“I’m sure you’ll be back in the swing of things very soon.”
“Spike took me out patrolling last night.”
“Is he insane?” A pause. “What am I saying? He’s a vampire. Of course…”
“Actually it was kind of my idea too. I wanted to get out of the house. Of course, I’m a little rusty. I got thrown against a crypt. Spike had to dust the vamp himself.”
“Are you alright?”
“I’m healing.”
“Well, do try to be careful. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Safe flight, Giles.” Buffy hung up the phone, and she dried the tears that had fallen from her eyes. Sitting up, she looked at the door, debating on whether or not to go back downstairs. Glancing at the clock, she figured Spike would be heating up another cup of blood by now. Her stomach growled a little, despite herself, and she remembered there was some leftover pizza in the fridge. She didn’t know how old it was, but it sounded good.
So, she headed back down the stairs, and just as she’d expected, Spike was standing there stirring Weatibix into his blood.
“Have a nice rest?”
“I didn’t sleep,” Buffy replied, pulling the box out of the fridge, putting a slice on a plate, and placing it in the microwave, trying not to think about the fact that Spike had just heated up pig’s blood in it. After a minute, she settled down across from him at the counter. “Giles called.” Spike looked up at her, wiping off a blood mustache from his upper lip. “His flight got delayed.” Shrugging, she took a bite of pizza. “It was good to hear his voice again.”
“Likewise for him, I’m sure.” They both sat in silence, before Spike cleared his throat. Buffy glanced up at him warily.
“What?”
“Didn’t say anything.”
“But you were thinking something.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I know you.”
“Not as well as you think, luv.”
“Oh really. I’m sure you were thinking something gross. Seeing as you walk around naked and drink blood, I’m sure that’s not too far-fetched to think.” Spike raised an eyebrow.
“Well, you got me there, pet.”
“Will you just knock it off?”
“You’re the one who brought it up,” he reminded her, his voice a bit rough. He leaned in over the counter, and she held her breath, feeling his cool breath just inches from her face.
“I might be alive, and I might be seeing you in a new light, but I’m not kissing you.”
“Didn’t say I wanted to be kissed.”
“Please. You’re a guy.”
“Yeah? And guys would rather have a good shag than a snog.”
“Gross. And we’re done with the pizza.” She pushed her plate aside, and she started to walk off, but this time, Spike reached out, grabbing her arm, but not tight enough that she couldn’t get away. She could have easily wrenched out of his arm, but she just turned to look at him, his eyes fiery on her.
“Just because you don’t love me doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop trying to convince you that we could be something... I’m not gonna walk around eggshells, pet. You can throw me out if you don’t like it.”
“Tempting,” Buffy warned. “Very tempting.”
“I love you.”
“Stop saying that!”
“Before you died, you hated hearing it. Now…now, I’ve got the chance to tell you every day, and I don’t see disgust in your eyes when I say it. I just see fear.” Buffy wrenched her arm away.
“You know what, Spike? You don’t know me. You don’t have a clue what’s going through my head.”
“Because you won’t let me close enough to find out. The only thing you want me here for is for somebody to hold you when you sleep at night. I wish I could say that’s enough for me, pet, but it’s not.” Buffy flinched, and she shook her head.
“This is wrong, Spike.”
“Then why is it that each time you say that, you sound less convicing?”
“Because I’m tired of doing this, Spike. I’m tired of convincing you that we can’t be more than what we already are.”
“Why not?”
“Because, you’re a vampire!” she hissed. “And don’t pull that Angel crap on me. That was different.”
“How?” Buffy said nothing.
“Spike, please. I’m tired.”
“You can only say that so many times, pet. I told you I’m not like the others. You might believe that I can love you, but I can. They say the dead can hear your thoughts, well, I guess that’s not true, or else you would’ve heard everything I ever thought from the second you left. You’d have heard me thinking about all the ways I could save you; about how I wished things had been different. How I wished Glory could’ve killed me, so I wouldn’t have to feel the way I felt.” Buffy felt tears spring to her eyes, and she started off toward the living room, Spike following right behind her.
“I can’t help the way I feel! You know I’ve tried to stop it. I’ve tried to make it go away, but it grows bigger every day. I hate that I love you,” he growled. Did she see fear in his eyes now?
“Spike…I’m sorry,” she breathed. “I wish it could be different for you.”
“Why can’t it?”
“Just drop it.”
“Tell me.”
“No! Just leave me alone, Spike.”
“Slayer…”
“Because I can’t let myself fall in love with you!” She was shocked by her own words, and the features of Spike’s face reflected that very shock. Don’t say anymore, Buffy. Just let it be, she urged herself. She’d said it. He knew what she’d said. She could fall in love with him. She could easily fall in love with him after everything...
The tremble in her voice had told him everything he needed to know. She was afraid.
“Buffy…”
“Please, Spike. Just…leave me alone,” she whispered, tears continuing to flood her eyes. “I can’t do this.”
“You can’t let yourself fall in love with me,” he reminded her. It was a far cry from her usual answers. “You feel something.”
“I don’t know,” she breathed. “Maybe. It doesn’t matter. It can’t happen.” Spike closed the distance between them.
“It’s not supposed to hurt like this, pet,” he confessed. “All I know is that I want you. I’ve wanted you since the minute I saw you. You don’t love me, but you could.”
“Spike…”
“That’s all I need to know. I need to hear that.”
“No,” she whispered, shaking her head, her body trembling now, as his hands grazed her forearms. She couldn’t deny that she wanted him, but if she gave him hope that they could have a future together, she knew she’d be lost to him forever. It was scary, but not as scary as it should have been.
“I don’t wanna hurt you.” She flinched. “I know how it sounds, coming from me, pet, but it’s the honest truth. If you can honestly tell me you don’t feel something when you’re with me, then I’ll drop it.”
“No you won’t.”
“I can try.”
“You won’t.”
“Humor me.”
“I can’t tell you that, Spike,” she breathed. “So what if I feel something with you? It doesn’t mean we should act on that. Plenty of people want each other, but it doesn’t have to…”
“So you do want me. Like I want you.”
“Spike!” She wasn’t angry anymore, so much as frustrated. She was breathing heavier, and he could see that she was losing her resolve. It would be so easy to give him what he wanted. She knew that. But she was afraid that once she did that, he wouldn’t want to let her go. Even more than that, she feared she wouldn’t want to let him go either.
“Alright! I want you! So what?” she challenged, before she could stop herself. She froze, feeling his hands at her hips now. God, he was staring at her like he was a starving man, and if it weren’t for the chip, she wasn’t so certain, in that moment, that he could refrain from devouring her.
His lips were so close she could almost taste them. She found herself being drawn in by her own accord, but then she was getting farther away from him. He was backing away. “All I needed to hear, pet.” And then he was gone, into the back of the house, leaving her with knees quaking.
She should have been furious with him, she decided, for pressuring her to say what she had. She couldn’t change things. She couldn’t backtrack either. It was true. The fact that Spike had changed, and the fact that he wasn’t tiptoeing around how he felt made that desire grow. She knew there had to be something mentally wrong with her for desiring a vampire, but it wasn’t the first time. Only this time, she was even more afraid, because she had no idea what to expect now that he knew. Now, he was going to keep trying, because he knew that she wanted him, and the thing was, she wouldn’t expect anything less. In fact, as she sat down on the couch, the thought that crossed her mind only made her more aware of the fact that if he were to continue to pursue her, she wasn’t going to tell him no forever.
Her heart was racing. Why couldn’t she just hate him for making him tell her what she had? Because you care too much to hate him, her head told her. No. No, she couldn’t fathom that. She could fall in love with him. Why? She didn’t know. She just knew that she could. And it was a real possibility. As frustrated as he made her, and as pushy as he could be, he loved her. And he wanted to know that after losing her, he might have a chance this time around.
She felt like she couldn’t breathe. She didn’t know what to do. If she went to him now, she’d make a mistake. A very good, very worth it mistake, she was sure, but she couldn’t do it. Not now. Now now? Not ever! She thought.
Still, despite herself, she found herself heading to the kitchen, where she found him leaning against the counter paler than usual, head down, taking deep breaths to try to control himself. Just walk away. Leave now, her head told her. But she was reaching out to him, and she gently placed her hand on his shoulder. He turned swiftly, pulling her close, hands on her hips, eyes boring into hers. He looked into her eyes, expecting to see fear or anger. Hell, maybe he wanted to see it, because at least then, he’d be able to convince himself that this was wrong, and it’d be better for the both of them. But he didn’t see that. Instead, he saw her gaze soften and heard the whisper on her lips.
“Spike…” Without hesitation, he brought her to him, his lips capturing hers, catching her off guard. He wanted her to hit him, to push him away, because then he would know, but her hands moved up his arms and tangled together at the back of his head, kissing him back with such intensity, the vampire wasn’t certain this was real.
“Buffy,” he breathed, pulling back to let her breathe. He ran his cool fingertips down her cheek, ran them through her hair, watched her catch her breath. He saw her lower lip quiver, and she leaned into him again, pressing her body against his. “Slayer,” he moaned into mouth, as she opened up to him. He turned with her, backing her against the counter, lowering her onto the countertop, kissing her without restraint.
“Spike,” she murmured, hands on his shoulders, pulling him down to her. “Oh God…yes…”
“I need you,” he groaned, grinding against her, smelling the scent of her arousal.
“Yes,” she panted, as he suckled at her neck. But at the sound of footsteps in the foyer, it was as if lightning had struck them. Spike sprang up from the counter, and Buffy sat up and then put her feet on the floor, lips red and swollen from his kisses. They looked at each other as if they’d both been shot, and before they had a chance to come up with some excuse for their visitor, Dawn came walking into the kitchen.
“Hey guys,” she said nonchalantly, tossing her book bag onto the very countertop her sister had just been about to engage in the wildest sex she’d ever had in her life.
“Dawn! You’re home early.” Dawn wrinkled her brow.
“Um…no I’m not. It’s 3:30.” Buffy glanced at the clock.
“Huh…”
“Geez, what happened to you guys,” Dawn muttered, casting glances at both her sister and the vampire. Dawn raised an eyebrow and smiled coyly at her sister. “You guys had sex, didn’t you.”
“What?!” Buffy was mortified. “No! No sex!”
“Right, whatever,” Dawn said with a roll of her eyes.
“Absolutely no…no sex,” Buffy said defiantly. “That’s not what we were doing.”
“What were you doing, then?”
“I was helping her work out the kinks in her back from last night’s patrol,” Spike said dumbly. “Uh…she got roughed up by a vampire.”
“Okay…” Dawn said skeptically.
“I did,” Buffy murmured with a too eager nod. She turned around and moved her shirt so Dawn could see the bandages. “Spike was just helping me with a sore muscle.”
“You guys suck at lying, you know that? Anyway, I have homework.” Dawn grabbed her book bag and an apple from the counter and headed off upstairs. Buffy nearly collapsed against the counter.
“You were helping me work out the kinks?!” Buffy asked. “Could you have been more obvious?”
“Well, I wasn’t exactly lying, was I, pet?”
“Shut up,” Buffy muttered.
“You’re mad.”
“No.”
“Let me guess.” He cleared his throat. “Can’t happen again. Big mistake. It’s wrong.”
“It probably is wrong,” Buffy replied. To his surprise, and pleasure, she didn’t add anything else.
“But?”
“But…I don’t know. I’m confused.”
“All right, then.”
“I don’t want to be confused.”
“So…”
“So…I don’t know.” Spike smirked a little, moving around the counter toward her. He placed his hands on her shoulders, pulling her closer. She didn’t even attempt to fight him.
“So, maybe I can help you make up your mind.” Like magnets, they were at it again, kissing, caressing, moaning, drinking each other in. When they pulled back, he cocked his head to the side. “Convinced that this is right yet, pet?” She couldn’t help but smile.
“Right? I don’t know. Wrong…well...” She shrugged her shoulders. It had always felt right before. And it’d always turned out awful. Maybe this time…maybe it would be different. “We’ll see.”
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