Chapter 2: Afterlife
When Buffy opened her eyes in the morning, it was barely dawn. She immediately felt the cool presence of Spike against her, and when she turned her head, she realized that somehow, they’d shifted positions in the night, and now she was practically lying on top of him, and his arm was still wrapped securely around her waist.
She felt rested, but why wouldn’t she? She’d already had quite a long sleep. Or death. She shuddered to think about that, so she slowly slipped out of his embrace and stood up. She realized the front curtains were still open, and the sun would be up soon. So, she pulled them silently, not wanting to burn the man who’d taken care of her sister and who had taken care of her last night into a pile of ashes. She stood there, watching him sleep. For an evil vampire, he certainly looked at peace. There was even a faint smile on his lips. No. She was imagining that, right? She shook her head. An evil vampire wouldn’t hold her all through the night. Not without an ulterior motive. She was still waiting for that one. Somehow, that didn’t add up either.
She heard footsteps upstairs, and she decided she wasn’t ready to face the rest of the group just yet, so she headed silently up to her room, grabbed a fresh pair of clothes, and locked herself in the bathroom.
She turned the water on hot and threw off her still clean clothes. Standing before the mirror she looked at naked body, examining the damage. No scars. No bruises. No hideous marks from the fall off of the tower. She looked as if she’d never taken that fall. More than that, she looked like she hadn’t been rotting in the ground for all those months. Not bad for a corpse, she thought.
The water stung her skin and her sore hands, but soon, the sensation was pleasant, and she lathered her body down, rinsed off, washed her hair, and then stood in the steady stream, relishing the warm feeling. That was substantial. That was real. The heat surrounded her, and she didn’t feel completely numb. Everything was still hazy, and getting a grasp on reality wasn’t as easy as it used to be.
Maybe this is heaven. Maybe where I was before was an in-between place. Maybe heaven is my very own bathroom. A nice, hot shower. A very protective vampire sleeping on my couch downstairs. She shook her head. Whoa.
She shut off the water, toweled off, and finished getting cleaned up and dressed. It was going to be a long day of unanswerable questions, and as much as she would rather sneak out and get away from everyone for a few hours, she knew that the sooner she saw them, the sooner she’d be able to put everything behind her.
***
Spike sat in the kitchen staring at a very quiet Willow and Tara. They snuck glances at each other and then looked at Spike once in a while, and while Tara had made a rather scrumptious breakfast, neither one of them had been able to eat a single bite.
The clomping of Dawn’s ridiculously clunky shoes echoed down the stairs and the hall, before she finally arrived in the kitchen. She sensed the thick tension immediately, as if it were physically present.
“Morning, Dawnie,” Willow perked up. “Hungry?”
“Not really,” she said quietly, sitting down and poking at her own plate, not taking a bite. “I heard Buffy in the bathroom. I think she’ll be down in a few minutes.”
“If she doesn’t sneak out the front. Wouldn’t be surprised,” Spike muttered.
“Why would she avoid us?” Willow asked. “I mean…she’s alive. I think…I think I’d be happy about that, wouldn’t you?”
“Wouldn’t know. Been dead too long to really miss living.” Dawn looked at her friends.
“What’d you do?” she finally asked. “How’d you bring her back?”
“It was a spell, Dawnie,” Tara said softly. Dawn nodded, before her eyes registered the word and a panicked grimace spread over her face.
“Like…like I tried when Mom died?”
“No! No, nothing like that,” Willow assured her. “She’s back. She’s not wrong. You…you should know that. You spent more time with her, and…”
“No. She’s not wrong,” Dawn immediately spoke up. “She’s fine. Just a little shaken up. I mean, you would be too if you were coming back from Hell, right?”
“You’re sure that’s where she was?” Spike wondered. All eyes turned on him.
“What do you mean? Of course that’s where she was,” Willow said matter-of-factly. “Or some kind of Hell dimension.”
“So that’s what you assume? Your good friend saves the world and gets sent to Hell?”
“Well, given the circumstances,” Tara said quietly, sounding very much like Giles, “it’s likely.”
“Why don’t we just ask her?” Dawn suggested.
“She doesn’t want to talk about it,” Spike pointed out.
“How would you know what she wants?” Spike turned to see Xander standing in the doorway, Anya-less. Spike glared at the intruder, but he said nothing. “Why don’t you go out for a smoke, fang boy? There’s a lovely sunrise, and…oh, that’s right. You’re a vampire. As in mortal enemy of the Slayer. Don’t you have a crypt to keep?”
“Xander,” Willow warned. “Don’t start. Buffy’ll be down any minute.” Xander withdrew his annoyed expression, but muttered under his breath.
“Yeah, and I’m sure she’ll be real happy to see him.” Spike thought good and hard about telling him how she came to him in the middle of the night, but he fought against it, and finally settled on not disclosing that lovely little morsel, because as much as he’d like to see Xander’s face turn all sorts of shades of green with jealousy, he figured Buffy didn’t exactly want the gang to know she’d slept in the arms of a vampire all night, especially when he wasn’t exactly her favorite person.
Buffy had heard part of the conversation as she lingered out in the hallway, but she decided to pretend as if she’d heard nothing. She just wanted to get through this. So, she took a deep breath, tensed and relaxed her muscles and then went walking into the kitchen, where five surprised sets of eyes looked up at her at once.
“Morning,” she said as cheerfully as possible.
“Uh…morning, Buffy. Want some breakfast?” Despite the fact that she didn’t feel like eating at all, she knew it’d be better if she did eat something.
“Sure. That looks good.” Willow slid her plate over to Buffy and with a flick of her finger, steam rose up from the plate. “Didn’t touch it…good as new.”
“Thanks,” Buffy said quietly, sitting down between Spike and Dawn. Her stomach turned, but she forced down a few bites with everyone watching expectantly. Well, everyone except Spike, who had his hands folded on the table. He was staring off toward the window, his features set and tense.
“Are you feeling better this morning?” Tara asked cheerfully.
“Uh, yeah. I think so. Just a little…fuzzy.”
“Did you sleep alright?” Dawn asked. Buffy made a side glance at Spike before nodding.
“Yeah.” Her answer was hesitant, but Spike felt a twinge somewhere deep inside, and he figured that if his heart was beating, it would have stopped just then. She looked up at the clock and then at her sister, and out of nowhere, she said, “Dawnie, shouldn’t you be at school?”
“It’s Sunday,” Dawn said slowly.
“Oh. Right,” Buffy said, shaking her head.
“It’s ok. You didn’t know, Buff,” Xander said quietly. Buffy pushed her plate aside and looked at her friends. She glanced at Spike again, but he seemed frozen, fixated on whatever it was he was staring at.
“I guess you have some questions,” she finally spoke.
“Maybe a couple…hundred,” Willow said sheepishly. “You don’t have to answer anything you’re not ready for though.”
“I’ll try my best. It’s all still really…mixed up, you know?”
“Let’s go in the living room,” Dawn suggested. “I like eggs, but the smell makes me nauseous after a while.” She started out of the room, and everyone else followed. Except for Spike.
“Are you coming?” Tara asked over her shoulder.
“I can hear just fine from here.” Tara crinkled her brows in confusion, wondering why the usually outspoken vampire was suddenly quiet and reserved. That definitely wasn’t like him.
Still, once Tara was gone, Spike let out a sigh and decided to join the group anyway. The last thing he wanted was to make the Slayer uncomfortable, especially since her good friends were already hounding her with questions of her afterlife.
When Spike reached the living room, he stayed back leaning against the wall. Buffy looked up from her spot on the couch, and their eyes met. She felt a chill up her spine and she shook off the feeling. It was time to talk, and she was going to say as much as she could. Part of her wanted to tell everyone a lie. Tell them she’d been in Hell. Tell them she’d been someplace that she’d rather not be, but when she looked up at Spike and even at Dawn, who waited with hopeful eyes, she knew that she had to tell them, even if it hurt.
“What do you wanna know?” Buffy asked, feeling as if this was an inquisition. All that was missing was a hot light.
“Well, for starters,” Xander said quietly…”what was it like?”
“Being dead?” Buffy asked. “I…I don’t know. I can’t remember feeling dead. I just remember…being still. I was surrounded by this…I don’t know. I don’t wanna say a light. It was like…peace.” Everyone was silent, all waiting to hear more. Dawn’s eyes welled. “Wherever it was, it wasn’t…it wasn’t bad.” Buffy glanced at Willow, whose face fell.
“Buffy,” she said quietly, “we…I pulled you out of Heaven, didn’t I?”
“I don’t know,” Buffy admitted. “Will, you…you didn’t know.” She couldn’t help but feel the sharp bite of reality when she saw her friends faces all fill with guilt. “None of you did.”
“We thought because of Glory and everything, because of the mystical energy…we thought you went to a hell dimension or something,” Tara said quietly. “If we’d have known, maybe…”
“You wouldn’t have brought me back,” Buffy guessed. Everyone was silent again, except for Dawn.
“No! You…no! It doesn’t matter where you went. You died because of me, and…and that’s not right.”
“Dawnie, it’s ok,” Buffy started.
“No it’s not! You jumped off the tower, and you died, and you went someplace good, and I don’t care. I’d rather have you here than anywhere else.” Despite the selfish statement, the rest of Buffy’s friends couldn’t help but agree. Spike eyed the slayer from across the room, watching her discomfort rise.
“That’s not for you to decide, Nibblet,” he spoke up.
“It never was,” Dawn said, a bit angrily. “I couldn’t stop you. And I didn’t know anything about what Willow was gonna do. Nobody said anything to me, and I’m the one who lost a sister!”
“Dawn,” Buffy said quickly, placing her hand on her sister’s shoulder, suddenly feeling those natural maternal feelings thawing out from the numbness that was still frozen inside of her, “I did what I had to do, alright? I’d have rather died that let you die.”
“Buff, how do you feel now?” Xander asked.
“About?”
“About being here. If we took you out of Heaven…” Buffy looked around at all of her friends, who looked as if they’d all committed a horrible crime and were now feeling the pain of the consequences. What was she supposed to tell them? Heaven was a better place than where she was now? She wished she were still there. She wished they hadn’t brought her back? It wasn’t all true, but it wasn’t all false either. She was stuck somewhere in between wanting to stay in both worlds, and she knew she couldn’t do that. But the shock of being ripped out of such peace and waking in her own coffin, only to have to claw herself out was not exactly the kind of welcome she’d wanted for a return to earth. Her friends had thought they were doing what was best. They’d wanted her back for their own reasons and for the good of the world, and while she was grateful for their determination to have their friend back, she couldn’t feel grateful about the way she’d come back. How could she make this worse for them now? There wasn’t any need.
“I’m grateful,” she finally breathed. “Thank you for bringing me back. I know…I know that where I was was a good place, but it doesn’t mean I won’t be there again someday, right?” She saw Tara’s face soften into a smile.
“Of course not. Just because you were pulled out doesn’t mean you can’t return,” she offered. “But hopefully…oh, about eighty years from now.”
“Right,” Buffy said with a weak smile. She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Thank you. For what you did. You brought me back, and I’m grateful…because I know I’m not done here.” The words sounded convincing enough, and though they were full of only half truths for the moment, it didn’t mean those wouldn’t be come full truths one day, did it?
“We’re just glad to have you back, Buff,” Xander said with a slight grin, reaching over to touch her shoulder. “It was a mess without you. We tried to make it work, but the Buffybot just didn’t have what it takes to be a Slayer. She held her own, but…”
“Now she’s a pile of scrap metal,” Dawn finished. Buffy looked around at her friends, who all seemed to be feeling much better. She was glad about that, but when she looked up at Spike, the look he was giving her made her face hot, and she realized he could see right through her. He knew she was hiding something. God, why does he do that?
“I called Giles last night,” Willow said with a smile. “He cleaned his glasses about four times during out three minute phone conversation.”
“I’ll bet,” Buffy nodded. Xander looked at his watch.
“I’m supposed to be at work for overtime hours…an hour ago. But I can just not go in, Buff.”
“No, go to work.”
“You’re sure? I can stick around.” He glanced up at Spike, who just smirked.
“Go on,” Buffy said with a nod. “I’ll be fine. Nobody needs to stick around on my account. I’m fine.”
“We’re not going anywhere,” Willow said sternly. “If you need anything…”
“Wil, I’m sure there’s stuff at the Magic Box that you need to research or something. I’m not gonna be up for much today anyway. I’ll probably just…you know, catch up on all the TV I missed while I was…”
“Right,” Tara said quietly. “You’re sure you don’t need anything?”
“I’m fine,” Buffy said again with a nod.
“We should do something to celebrate,” Willow pondered. “How about The Bronze tonight, for old time’s sakes?”
“I’m not really in a Bronze-y mood right now, Wil,” Buffy said with a little shrug. “Maybe soon.”
“Oh.” Willow’s face fell. “Alright. Dawnie, you staying?”
“Yep,” Dawn said with a nod.
“Dawn, I’m sure you have homework,” Buffy pointed out.
“Buffy…”
“Go do your homework. We have plenty of time to catch up.”
“But…”
“Go on. The faster you finish, the faster we can talk, ok?” Dawn rolled her eyes but hurried up the stairs anyway. Everyone else filed out the door, except for Spike, who remained at his post on the wall.
“They’re all blind, aren’t they?” He sat down in the chair across from the couch.
“What?” Buffy asked, her voice catching in her throat.
“All they were looking for was for a couple words from you telling them you’re glad to be back. They just didn’t want to feel guilty.”
“Spike, not now.”
“You’re not happy to be back, are you?”
“It’s…” He half expected her to throw something at his head and tell him to get out, but he watched her shoulders slump. “It’s not that simple.” He cocked his head to the side.
“It’s not, is it?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it, Spike.”
“Yes you do.”
“No, I don’t,” she insisted. Spike shook his head, standing up, moving to sit on the coffee table again, so they were face to face.
“You were happy. You were at peace.”
“I don’t remember,” she mumbled.
“You remember feeling safe. Feeling…what…what did you feel?” His blue eyes searched her green ones until she finally buckled under his questions.
“I was finished,” she breathed. “Finished with life. Finished with suffering. And I felt like even…even though I left my friends and Dawn behind, everything was gonna be ok.”
“And then you came back.”
“It was…it was like falling all over again. Everything went black,” she recalled. “And then I opened my eyes, and I couldn’t see. I was surrounded by walls, and my lungs burned.” He could see her trembling now, and the tears were beginning to well in her eyes. “I just kept kicking and clawing, and I didn’t know where I was. It was so dark. But I felt something cold, and I realized I was bleeding, but I kept fighting, and then…then I was standing in front of my headstone, and it was gone. I didn’t remember where I’d been for a few minutes. Just that I’d had to claw myself out. I thought for a second…”
“That you were like me?” he offered. She looked away and nodded.
“Yeah.”
“But then the memories came back, and everything was…it was moving so fast. So harsh. Blurry. Bright.”
“And you wanted to go back.” Buffy was silent. “You can say it, pet. I won’t tell.”
“For a minute. But…my friends…Dawn. They’re here. They need me, and I…”
“What?”
“I want to want to be here, but it feels like I’m starting all over. Like I’m being sent back to serve time after being released from prison. But that’ll change. It will. I just have to give it time, right?”
“Maybe,” Spike shrugged. “Or maybe you’re just not up for all the ‘do-gooding’ this time around.”
“Sure I am,” Buffy said with a confident nod. “I just don’t feel like it right now.”
“What do you feel like doing?” Buffy looked away.
“I don’t know. I just…I need time to adjust.” Maybe if she said it enough, it would come true. The tears were coming back. “Am I horrible? For feeling like this, when my friends and Dawnie are so happy?”
“You’re asking the wrong person about that, remember?” Buffy said nothing.
“Right.” The silence filled the air for longer than a minute, and Spike sighed.
“I can go.”
“You can go?” Buffy asked. “What’s that about?”
“What do you mean?”
“A few months ago, you’d have either left without a word or stayed just to make a point,” Buffy said curiously, eyeing him. “What happened?”
“What happened? What happened is that I became a foster dad to your little sis,” he said with a shrug. “You know, teenagers are a lot more difficult than they were when I was her age.” He nodded toward the stairs. “I had to learn how to compromise with her.” He grimaced. “But the witches were here, so they took over some of the responsibility, thank God. Don’t know what I would’ve done if she’d sent me to the store for some of her ‘girly’ things.” He shuddered, and Buffy couldn’t help but smile a little.
“Thanks. For looking after her.”
“I promised you that I’d take care of her.” Buffy nodded, remembering.
“Dawn’s been through a lot. I’m glad she had people to take care of her…to make sure she was alright.”
“It was rough for a while, but we made it work.”
“Yeah,” she said quietly.
“And you will too. Like you said, give it time, right?” He watched her half-smile again and nod. He stood again, clearing his throat. “I should go.”
“You don’t have to,” she blurted out quickly, looking up at him, her cheeks pinking up a bit.
“What?”
“Uh,” she stammered, clearing her throat. “Well, you took care of Dawnie when she needed you. The least I can do is let you stay until dark.”
“You sure?” He asked, eyeing her awkwardly, wondering if he was pushing it. But she didn’t even move to make a snide remark.
“Sure,” she nodded. “Why not?”
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