Spike woke first, which no longer surprised him. He tried to remember when he’d started sleeping at night. It was damned unnatural for a vampire, but he figured it was normal for him.
He’d always loved breaking the rules. Something in him had shifted the night he’d been turned, when he realized he was finally free. He’d been determined not to let anything hold him back again. He’d pissed Angelus off countless times by inciting mobs or attracting the attention of older, more powerful vampires. Spike had loved it. He’d loved being his own man. He’d loved Drusilla too, for what she’d given him, if not for her unique grasp on reality. He’d thought that she had made him a man. He’d only recently realized that it didn’t work like that. No one could make someone else a man, good or bad. Buffy could inspire him; she could give him inhuman strength by simply believing in him, but he would still have to do the work himself. People talk about someone being a self-made man; Spike knew that was really the only kind of man.
Buffy woke to find him watching her with a distant expression, just looking at him made her stomach warm. The bruises on his face were almost completely gone. She smiled shyly. “Hey.”
“Morning, love.”
She slid her hand around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. “You should have woken me up. We could have been…” She rubbed against him suggestively.
He groaned; the sound came from deep in his throat like a growl. He felt the bones in his face start to shift and pulled away. His control was not what it should have been. He could hear her heart pumping blood through her veins and hated that it made his mouth water.
Buffy frowned. “Spike?”
“They bled me for a week and then all the healing--”
“You’re hurt. Spike, I—”
“That’s not—you smell like breakfast. Normally wouldn’t be an issue, but—” He looked away, embarrassed.
“You’re hungry. We can fix that. There’s plenty of blood in the fridge.” She kissed his cheek, pushed off the bed and started gathering her clothes.
He watched her for a moment, surprised by her casual reaction. She was a mystery to him, but he knew he’d be glad to spend a lifetime trying to figure her out. “I love you.”
Buffy finished pulling her shirt on, walked over to the bed and leaned down to kiss him gently. “Get dressed. I’ll go stick your breakfast in the microwave.” She spoke gently, not responding to his words exactly, but not ignoring them either.
Spike dressed in the same cast-offs he’d worn the day before and followed her up the stairs. Once again, they had the house to themselves. He wondered how that happened, but didn’t ask. Leaning against the counter by the microwave, he noticed Buffy was also pulling out breakfast for herself and he was glad. He saw her eying a carton of milk with a suspicious glare. When she reached for the cap, he stopped her. “Sorry love, that’s turned. Best use the new one.”
She laughed as she placed the milk in the sink and reached for the unopened jug. “So many unexpected around-the-house uses for a vampire.”
They settled down at the table in companionable silence. Spike drank two full mugs before he started to feel more like himself again.
Buffy waited until he finished the second mug. “More?”
He shook his head. “I’m better.”
“I shouldn’t have left you there.”
He frowned. “You came when you could. I saw the monster he sent to keep you busy.”
“No, before that. When I found you—when you first came back-I knew you needed help, but…”
“I know I don’t deserve your help, Buffy. You had every reason to want me gone.”
“I was happy, when I saw you that first time, I was relieved—I was also scared and in the middle of trying to save a bunch of high school kids from ghosts that didn’t know they weren’t supposed to be corporeal, but my first thought was, you were back, and I was glad.” She sighed. “I thought I was dreaming, but just looking at you hurt and—and then when I knew about your soul, I should have…” She squared her shoulders and looked up at him with wet eyes. “I should have brought you here, figured out what was going on. If I had, maybe The First wouldn’t have been able to get to you. Maybe those people would still be alive.”
“That is not on you, Buffy.”
“Isn’t it? I’m the Slayer, Spike; crazy vampires are my responsibility. You were talking to invisible people and sleeping on the Hellmouth, and I didn’t do anything about it because looking at you made me uncomfortable. Everyone thinks that I let my—our past—affect my decisions, and they’re right. I wouldn’t have left anyone else there.”
“You can’t know that my being here would have made a difference. Could be The First was hoping you’d bring me here so I could hurt you or the Nibblet. You did your best, like you always do.”
“Wasn’t good enough.”
“Hey-you look at me.” He waited for her to meet his gaze before continuing in a quiet and serious tone. “You’ve got too much on your plate to be adding anything else. You leave the blame and the guilt for those of us who’ve earned it. You’ve got to stay focused. The First wants you to be distracted. That’s how it can beat you. You stay here, in the present, and you get the job done. That’s what you do, Buffy. It’s what you always do.”
“I need help.”
“You’ve got it.”
She smiled at him gently. “I know.”
Spike watched her study the tabletop, wondering what she wasn’t saying and why she wasn’t saying it. “What is it?”
Buffy squared her shoulders before speaking in a determined voice. “You’re a distraction.”
His brow furrowed. It wasn’t the answer he was expecting. He opened his mouth to argue, but she started again before he had the chance.
“You’re a distraction—this thing between us—Giles is going to say it’s a distraction, and he’s going to be right. You are the best help I have. I mean it should be Willow, but she can’t be and so it’s you, only now…”
“I’m a distraction.”
She nodded solemnly.
He tipped his head to the side as he considered her words. “You want me to leave?”
She answered with a shake of her head. “No. Or yes. Both. For the wrong reasons.”
“You lost me a bend or two back.”
“I need you in this with me. I need you to be my best fighter, but it’s what I want too. I want you here.” She shrugged and smiled slightly. “Kind of like lookin’ at you.” She didn’t pull away when he reached for her hand. “And I want to send you away. I don’t want to risk you. I don’t want to let The First have another chance to take you out of yourself. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. It would be easier if you left.”
Spike had been waiting for her to pull away or to push him away since she’d first dragged him out of the cave, so he wasn’t surprised by her words. They still hurt. “Buffy, I…”
“Will you help me train the girls? Most of them have never even seen a vampire. I need them to have an idea of what they are up against.”
“I thought you wanted—that it would be easier if I left.”
“Would you leave? Not just hide out on the other side of town, but actually leave?”
Spike frowned. He wasn’t sure what the right answer was, which answer would please her, so he went with the truth. “No. I’ll give you space if you want, but I’m in this too. The First wants to hurt me and mine. I can’t just leave.”
“Help me train the girls?”
His frown deepened. “You’re only letting me stay because I won’t leave.”
Buffy gave Spike the smile that he still wasn’t used to seeing directed towards himself. Warring emotions made the blood in his stomach settle uneasily, and the long-forgotten memory of vomiting from nerves before an important exam came to the forefront of his mind.
Leaning closer, Buffy kissed the corner of his scowling mouth. “No. I want you to stay because I know you wouldn’t leave.”
He followed her into the living room a few moments later and shrugged when she asked what he wanted to watch. Spike figured he had passed another one of the tests she’d said she wouldn’t give him.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks again to Sanity Fair for her beta-reading and advice. (Go check out her story-The Kiss at EF!) As always, any mistakes are entirely my own.
Don't forget to leave me a review. :) Thanks for reading.
Don't forget to leave me a review. :) Thanks for reading.
Chapter End Notes:
Thoughts?