Five Years Later…
The day was a relatively calm one. It was sunny, but not too warm with a gentle breeze that soared through the air. Tree leaves rustled slightly as a small group of people gathered in Restfield Cemetary.
Friends and family, all cloaked in black, surrounded a mahogany casket suspended over the six foot deep hole in the ground beneath it.
People cried and wiped at their red puffy eyes as a priest spoke softly about the deceased.
Directly next to the closed casket stood Spike, looking disheveled and exhausted, grieving over yet another loss to his beloved family.
On one side of him stood Mrs. Summers, holding one hand to Spikes upper arm as she held his hand with her other, trying hard to stay strong for him and keep herself from crying over this awful tragedy.
“We commend to almighty God, our brother, Rupert Giles. And we commit his body to the ground.”
Holding Spikes other hand was Willow, a long time friend who, despite their differences, was one of the best friends he had ever had.
Xander stood behind him, one hand on Spikes shoulder for support in a small unspoken gesture of love for his friend. No one had seen such heartache as Spike. And Xander, having been there with him and listening to him for almost all of it, knew Spike was suffering yet again. Spike talked a lot when he got drunk, and Xander was always there to listen.
“Earth to earth. Ashes to ashes. And dust to dust.”
Spike almost couldn’t bear the sorrow and anger that boiled in him at the sound of the shovel scooping up dirt - dirt that would soon be covering his father’s lifeless body, keeping him buried and gone from Spike forever.
“The lord bless him, and keep him. The lord makes his face, to shine upon him and be gracious to him. The lord lift up his continent upon him, and give him peace.”
As the ceremony ended, and the grounds keepers began to lower the casket and cover it completely, Spike stood weeping on the inside, afraid to let anyone see him fall apart more than he already had. Friends and a few family members embraced Spike in sad hugs as they expressed their condolences and said their goodbyes. And although he could feel them in his arms, and he knew that they were all there for him, he felt numb to their affections.
He stayed quiet and unresponsive to people when they tried to make light conversation with him. No matter how they tried, his thoughts all revolved around his father, and the gruesome way he died.
x X x X x
The sun had gone down, and everybody had left the cemetery, gone to Joyce’s home for some much needed comfort food. Everyone except Spike.
He hadn’t moved from his spot next to his father’s grave. The grounds keepers had finished filling the hole and got rid of all the machinery. They asked Spike one or two questions about when they should receive the headstone and once they got their answers, left him alone to grieve.
He had been alone for some time now. Standing in the dark, just staring down at freshly churned dirt, a million and one crazy thoughts going through his head when suddenly, two small feet appeared next to his own.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered sadly and Spike squeezed his eyes shut as he swallowed hard. When her small hand slipped into his he didn’t hesitate to squeeze it to be sure she was really there. “I couldn’t come sooner,” she continued but he couldn’t find any words for her at the time.
He opened his eyes and slowly looked over at her, finding it harder to keep from crying. “Buffy…”
She looked up at him and his blue eyes locked with her green ones. It was comforting to have her here. The first real comfort he’d felt since he’d found his father only days ago.
As the images of that day flooded Spike’s mind he found it harder to breathe, and Buffy noticed it right away. Her heart broke for him.
Without hesitation she turned his body toward hers and trapped him in a fierce hug that sent him over the edge. His eyes squeezed shut and tears trickled down his face as he nuzzled her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her tiny frame for support.
Buffy had never felt stronger than she did at that moment. She knew for Spikes sake she had to be.
She didn’t believe her ears when her mother made the call to tell her about Mr. Giles’ death. He was such a humble and loving man the entire time she knew him, it was hard to believe he’d suddenly taken his own life.
Her lip trembled at the thought and she squeezed Spike a little harder to keep herself from breaking down. For the first time in a long time she actually regretted not being around at all in the last five years.
Spike calmed a bit and took a deep breath but didn’t let go of Buffy. He was afraid he was imagining her being here. As much as he hoped he wasn’t dreaming he also couldn’t help but feel bitter toward her for waiting until now to finally come see him.
However, right now he didn’t have the energy or want to argue with her about that. Instead, he decided to just take a deep breath and try and be happy that she was here.
When Buffy felt his grip on her loosen a bit she pulled back and brushed a fallen lock of hair out of her eyes. It was then that she really looked at him and noticed how run down he looked.
She had always known him to look really pale, but right now he looked down right white. She hoped it was just the moonlight making him look this way, but something in her gut told her that wasn’t it.
His hair was greasy and un-groomed. It had grown out to the point where it was curling down the back of his neck, and he hadn’t bleached it in a while. Where the tips of his hair were still white from bleaching, the closer it got to the root the darker it got.
Deep dark circles around his eyes coupled with the bags under his eyes showed his lack of good rest. She supposed that after the last few days it would be normal to have bags under your eyes, but this looked to be a deeper problem than what was seen.
One last thing she noticed about him was how thin he looked. He was a skinny guy, always had been, but Buffy was sure that if he were to take his shirt off at that moment she would be able to see his ribs.
It didn’t take a genius to see that she was concerned about his health.
She held his hands between their two bodies as she tilted her head slightly and looked at him with sad eyes. “Let’s walk.”
Spike swallowed and she let her eyes wander down to his adams apple which bobbed soon thereafter. He nodded.
The pair turned away from the grave, Buffy holding Spikes right hand with her left, and walked out of the grave yard.
The night air was slightly chilly and Buffy shivered a little, but Spike didn’t notice. All he could do was watch their feet as they slowly made their way through the quiet streets of Sunnydale.
Buffy found herself enjoying it, having gotten too used to the light, noise, and traffic of the busy streets of L.A. She’d forgotten how peaceful her hometown could be.
Their walk together was made in silence, Spike still looking at nothing but the ground and Buffy looking at old familiar shops, houses, and parks. The walk that one day had been like nothing to Buffy, now seemed to take forever as she tried to think of what else she could say to her long lost best friend. The only thing she could think of was the lame traditional ‘sorry for your loss.’
When they turned a corner onto Revello Drive, a street they both knew all too well, Spikes head finally perked up, but the look on his face as he stared down the street had Buffy furrowing her brow.
The duo stopped in the middle of the street, directly between their two houses and faced each other.
“You should get changed,” Buffy said quietly to him. “You’ve been in those all day. I’m sure-“
“I can’t.”
Buffy was a bit taken back. “Why not? You still live there right? You can jus-“
“I can’t go in that house,” he ground out as he fought a fresh wave of tears.
The realization smacked Buffy up side her head so hard her eyes grew wide. “Oh god, Spike, I’m sorry, I wasn’t even thinking…”
“I know eventually I’m gonna have to, but right now… tonight… I can’t go in there, okay?”
Buffy nodded and reached for his hand again. “Okay. Let’s go to my house then. You can sleep there.”
She didn’t wait for a response, just tugged him behind her around to the back of the house. Once on the back porch Spike stopped and Buffy looked at him questioningly. When Spike pulled out a pack of cigarettes she understood and turned to face him as he lit up.
“You smoke now?” she asked with a hint of a smile on her face.
He took a long first drag and scratched his forehead with his thumb as he exhaled. “Yeah. Picked it up a few years back and haven’t been able to shake it.”
Buffy looked at him and tilted her head slightly. “As much as I don’t approve, you pull it off nicely.”
He couldn’t help the shy smile that crept its way onto his featured as he blushed a little. “Thanks… I guess.”
Neither one of them really knew what to say to one another, so Spike quickly tried to finish his smoke while at the same time tried to avoid any more eye contact with Buffy.
But she was gazing at him, trying hard to figure out what was going through his head. She had seen this man, once, maybe twice in the last five years and as a result she felt like she didn’t even know him anymore. The only thing she did know?
“I’ve missed you…”
Spike blew out his last puff of smoke and tossed his butt into a nearby flower pot her mother had left there for him, his jaw ticking slightly as he finally looked over at her.
He could see her clearer now as she stood under the porch light. She was different. Gone was his former, mousy little ex-best friend. The woman that stood in front of him was all grown up, with long flowing blonde hair, still with hints of highlighting in it. Her face and figure were that of a woman’s, not a teenaged girl. Her fingernails were manicured and her designer coat and boots showed she had done well for herself. She was beautiful. She always had been, though.
Despite his adoration for how well she’d transformed, she still left and broke her promised to come back and stay in touch, and for that he was still extremely angry with her.
He inhaled a deep breath of cool night air as he looked at her, and she looked back at him with hope. But he wasn’t ready to have the touching reunion heart-to-heart. Instead, he motioned his head toward the door. “I need a drink.”
Buffy had to work hard to keep her face from falling, from revealing how disappointed she was that he didn’t say her missed her too. And yet, she knew. She knew she only had herself to blame for it. So, she stepped up to the door and let herself and Spike into her old familiar kitchen, unsure of where to go next.
x X x X x
Buffy watched from her spot up on the stairs as Spike slept on the couch. His dress shirt and jacket were slung over a chair and his good shoes tucked neatly under the coffee table.
The house was quiet, everyone but herself was fast asleep and although it was nearing four in the morning, she just couldn’t find any rest.
The last day and a half had been so hectic. Once her mother had called to inform her of Mr. Giles’ death Buffy tried to catch a plane, but her father threw a fit about late paperwork and postponed meetings and made her stay the following day, promising there would be another flight. But, by the time she got done with all the paperwork and set up a temp for him, there weren’t anymore flights available and she had to settle for a bus ride instead, thus making her miss the wake and funeral. She was so mad at herself for not following her gut and going when she first had the chance. But no, she had to make dear ol’ dad happy and stay.
She was an idiot.
What she still couldn’t understand was why Mr. Giles would commit suicide. It just wasn’t like him. She never knew him to be depressed or upset. He was more of a loving father to her than her real father was. Even now, after nearly five years in L.A. with her father she still loved Mr. Giles more.
And she didn’t get the chance to say goodbye.
Perhaps the fact that he’d secretly owned a gun would have made a slightly different impression of him, although she couldn’t see him owning it for anything other than protection. To take his own life with it was something Buffy never in a million years would think he would ever consider.
How could he have shot himself in the head, knowing he was leaving behind his one and only son, who had already tragically lost his mother to cancer? Spike wasn’t a boy anymore. He was a man and Buffy knew that, but he was still only twenty four years old. He still had a long life to live and now he would have to do it without both of his parents.
He was without his best friend, too.
For almost five years Buffy lived in blissful ignorance, thinking it didn’t matter that she basically up and left everyone she loved, and stayed away so selfishly. She didn’t know anything about Spike or Willow or Xander or even her own baby sister, for god’s sake. She had gotten too wrapped up in her own success and her own fancy new life that she’d forgotten all about all the people who loved and adored her.
Buffy took a sip of her water as she looked over at the broken man sleeping on her couch. She had only been home for a few hours and already she was regretting the choice she made to go and live in LA. She never meant to get so wrapped up in it all. She meant to call and write and visit and do all those things you’re supposed to do when you go away, but it seemed that from the minute she arrived at her fathers business on her first day she had never ending paperwork ahead of her and tasks that constantly needed solving.
She simply didn’t have time to have a life anymore after that. She knew it wasn’t a good excuse, but it was the only one she had.
A lone flame stirred inside her when she looked over at him, however, and with it came this new different feeling that she couldn’t quite describe. She couldn’t help but wonder what might have happened, how different her life would have been if she’d stayed in Sunnydale like everyone else. What would her relationship with Spike be like if she had stayed?
That thought alone was enough to make her tremble and her stomach churn a little, because in her heart she knew he wouldn’t be like this. Things around here wouldn’t be like this.
Taking a deep breath Buffy stood up and made her way the rest of the way down the stairs. Quietly, she crept over to the side of the couch and looked down on Spikes sleeping form. Sleep was the only time he looked at all peaceful, at least in the hours she’d been home and with him.
She knew in her heart that the coming days weren’t going to be easy. First thing in the morning she was going to call her dad and let him know she was going to be longer than expected, and make sure her temp could cover the extra days she was sure she was going to need.
She left once, and things got seemingly bad. And she knew she wasn’t the cause, and she wouldn’t be the cure. This was real life and she knew things weren’t that simple. She did know, however, that she could help more by being here acting as a shoulder than in L.A., wrapped up in work.
Quietly she knelt down beside him and pulled the thin blanket up over his exposed arms. Instead of pulling away right away, though, she began to rub small circles on his arms through the blanket, a gesture her mother used to do when she would stay home sick.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you,” she whispered to him. She reached up with one hand and brushed a few stray curls out of his face.
It felt so strange to be back in Sunnydale with him. Part of her was comforted by his presence, like nothing had ever changed between them. Another part of her felt awkward around him, like they were both two different people just getting to know each other.
“It was your choice,” Spike said suddenly, startling Buffy from her thoughts. She looked down at him, wide eyed.
“I thought you were sleeping. Did I wake-“
“No one forced you to leave,” he said hoarsely. “You did it all on your own.”
When Buffy simply stared back at him, mouth agape, unable to say anything back to him, he rolled over so his back was facing her and tried again to get some sleep.
He may as well have slapped her across the face, because that was how Buffy felt just then. Unable to think of anything to say back to him, she stood up and moved to leave the living room and when she looked up, was startled to find Dawn standing at the bottom of the stairs.
Buffy furrowed her brows as she looked at her younger sister who simply arched her eyebrow at her and walked into the kitchen.
Buffy immediately followed, unsure of how much her sister heard or what she was doing up at this hour.
When they were in the kitchen and out of earshot of Spike Dawn spun on her heels and faced Buffy, arms crossed. “He’s right, you know,” she said immediately.
“You were listening?” Buffy said with a surprised and angered tone.
Dawn rolled her eyes. “I was standing right there, wasn’t I?”
Buffy shook her head and looked away, running one hand through her hair to loosen it up a bit.
“He’s right,” Dawn repeated.
“About what?” Buffy snapped, annoyed.
“About you being gone all this time.”
“Dawn, it was a once in a lifetime chance. If I hadn’t gone when I did, I wouldn’t be as successful as I am now.”
Dawn sighed in frustration and shook her head. “Don’t you see? Buffy, no one blames you for moving away. It’s just that you stayed away,” she said and Buffy turned and looked her in her eyes. “It woudn’t have killed you to visit more than twice.”
Buffy’s arms dropped to her sides in defeat. “Don’t you think I know that? I regret it more than you’ll ever know. I do. But I can’t change what happened. All I can do is try and win his trust back.”
Dawn looked Buffy up and down for a moment and Buffy could see then just how much her little sister had grown up in the time she was gone. Of course, she had seen her mother and Dawn a few times each year when they would drive down to L.A. to spend holidays and birthdays with her. But for the first time, Buffy saw a young woman standing in front of her rather than a girl.
“So what are you going to do?” Dawn asked after a few moments.
Buffy took a deep breath and looked over her shoulder at the hallway leading to the living room where she knew Spike was laying. “I honestly don’t know. I didn’t realize things had gotten so bad…”
“A lot of things changed in five years, Buffy. It just happens.”
Buffy turned and nodded sadly at her sister. “I’m gonna get to bed. I have a feeling it’s gonna be a long day tomorrow.”
Dawn simply nodded as Buffy turned to leave the kitchen and head upstairs, but she quickly called out to her before she left.
“Hey Buffy…”
Buffy turned and looked at her sister, eyebrows raised. Dawn stepped up closer to her so as not to yell through the entire house.
“One thing that hasn’t changed? He’s never stopped loving you.”
Buffy managed a small smile and hooked her arm with Dawn’s as they made their way through the house and up the stairs to bed, Buffy giving Spike one final glance before he was out of sight.
TBC