CHAPTER THREE: We Need To Talk…
Buffy woke around noon the next day to the sound of the shower running in the next room over. It was a new thing for her to wake up to… noise. For three years she had been living in her own upscale apartment, and though she’d had one or two relationships in that time, she’d grown accustomed to waking up to an empty apartment. Noise was something so simple yet so unfamiliar to her in her new life…
With a deep breath and a long stretch Buffy rolled over and tossed the covers back off her. It was a good feeling, not having to go to work for her father and to be able to wake up in a house that wasn’t empty. She wished she could enjoy this more often.
Buffy sat up and got out of bed just as she heard the water in the bathroom go off and she hurried over to her bedroom door. She wanted to catch her mom and talk to her for a moment, but when the bathroom door opened and she saw who emerged she quickly ducked back into her room and quietly closed the door most of the way, only leaving enough open to peek out without being noticed. What she saw both surprised her and made her heart race. The man with the alabaster six pack that stepped out of the bathroom, with only a white towel hanging low his hips was enough to make Buffy’s eyes bulge from their sockets. The boy that was once her best friend had turned into quite a man, and a drool-worthy one at that. She couldn’t help but blush as she quietly opened her door just enough to watch his retreating form as he grabbed another fresh towel from the linen closet and move back into the bathroom.
Once he was completely out of sight she stood up straight, smoothed her t-shirt and cleared her throat, trying hard and failing to get the image of her former best friend all naked and wet out of her head. The scent of his body wash that wafted throughout the hall after him didn’t help to cool her hormones any.
Stepping out into the hallway she could hear voices coming from downstairs. At first she didn’t recognize the voices but as she neared the top of the staircase they became clearer and there was no doubt in her mind to whom those voices belonged to.
She had mixed feelings regarding her friends’ presence in her mother’s home. She wanted to see them and catch up on everything she missed, but considering Spikes and Dawns opinions on her absence, she was now afraid of other people’s judgments. Still, she knew she was going to have to see them eventually.
With a deep breath she retreated back into her bedroom and changed into a fresh set of clothes and fixed her hair. Only once she was satisfied with her outward appearance did she move to the hall and begin to descend the stairs.
Willow, Xander, and another woman who Buffy didn’t recognize were all seated in the living room talking amongst themselves. It wasn’t until Buffy reached the very bottom step and it creaked a little that they realized someone else was in the room with them.
Xander was the first to look over, a slightly surprised expression on his face when he saw Buffy standing there instead of the person he was expecting, who was presumably Spike. When a smile formed on his face Buffy relaxed a little.
“Hey, Buf!” Xander exclaimed standing and walking toward her with open arms.
Everyone else in the room looked over and Willows smile matched Xander’s.
“Hey guys!” Buffy waved quickly before Xander enveloped her in a small hug.
“Long time no see,” Xander mumbled into her shoulder right before releasing her.
“I know,” Buffy said, still with a smile on her face. “It’s been forever. I’m really sorry.”
Xander nodded as they made their way into the living room where Willow stood to greet her long lost friend.
Buffy waved excitedly at the red head. “Hey, Wil!”
“Ugh, Buffy!” Willow exclaimed as she wrapped her friend in a tight hug. “I’m so glad to see you came home.”
“Uh, Buf,” Xander said tapping her on the shoulder, effectively ending the hug her and Willow had been sharing. “I want you to meet my fiancé, Anya.”
Fiance? She thought sadly. How come they didn’t call or e-mail me with that huge news…
Buffy smiled at the stranger and stuck her hand out. “Hi, Anya. I’m Buffy.”
“Yes, I’ve heard a lot about you in your absence,” the woman smiled.
Buffy nodded sadly and smiled up at Xander. “She’s a pretty one, Xand. Don’t let her go,” she said rubbing his arm.
Anya smiled and looked up at her husband-to-be. “I like her. She called me pretty. She should be in our wedding party.”
“Well, we’ll talk about that later, Ahn.”
“So Buffy,” Willow asked as she held her friends hand. “Would you wanna maybe go out to lunch or something? So we can catch up? I know you probably have to get back to L.A. soon but-“
“Actually I’m staying for a week or so. I’m not going back right away this time.”
Willow looked shocked but happy and that along was enough to make Buffy feel like a crappy friend. They all noticed how she would take off right away or stay away all together. She felt like an ass.
“Where do you wanna go? My treat,” Buffy smiled and Willow smiled warmly back at her.
“What’s goin’ on?” Spikes voice sounded suddenly from behind.
Everyone, including Buffy turned to see Spike standing at the bottom of the stairs, still only wearing a towel around his hips. Buffy instantly turned red and she cursed herself when the butterflies in her stomach started doing flips. Feeling guilty, Buffy just looked down at her feet, willing the strange and inappropriate feeling to go away.
“How‘ya doin’ today sweetie?” Willow asked as she walked to him and rubbed his arm soothingly.
Spike shifted his gaze which had been on Buffy to the red head, and forced a smile for her sake. “As well as can be expected,” he said quietly.
“Here’s your clothes, man,” Xander said handing him a large folded t-shirt and pair of sweats. “Let me know if you need anything else, alright?”
Spike nodded once, looking at the clothing in his hands. “Thanks.”
Xander pursed his lips and patted his friend on the shoulder once. “I gotta get going, new project at the site today so I gotta get started, but you’ll call me if you need something,” Xander said to Spike. Then he turned to Buffy. “See you later, Buf. Take good care of him,” he said with a smile before he and Anya let themselves out.
Buffy finally mustered the courage to look at Spike again. At his face. “I was wondering where you went,” she said to him after clearing her throat.
He took a deep breath and pointed behind himself toward the stairs. “Felt like a shower. Didn’t know when you’d be wakin’ up so…” he trailed off, not bothering to try and finish the sentence.
“Spike, Buffy and I are gonna go out for lunch in a little bit. Care to join us?” Willow asked with a smile on her face.
Spike scrunched his face up a bit and shook his head. “I don’t really feel up to going out. Thanks, though.”
Buffy could help but be disappointed that he didn’t want to come with her. “Are you sure?”
He looked at her and Buffy swore she could feel the anger emanate from him. His eyes were dark. She looked away, uncomfortable. “I’ll bring something home for you, then,” she said looking back at him with scared guilty eyes.
Willow would have cut through the tension between her two friends with a knife if she’d had one on her. It was upsetting to see two old friends be so awkward around each other. All she could do was hope that they could eventually work things out.
“Thanks,” was all Spike said in response to Buffy’s open-ended offer.
He felt a little bad making her uncomfortable and guilty for not being around, but with everything going on in his life at the moment, he couldn’t find time to care about other peoples precious feelings.
He had his own plan for how things were supposed to happen. He wasn’t going to let Buffy get in the way of that.
x X x X x X x
“I really screwed up, huh Wil?” Buffy asked sadly as she stabbed at her salad with disinterest.
Willow looked sadly at her friend as she sipped her iced tea. “Buffy you don’t have to blame yourself. Given the opportunity we all probably would have done the same as you.”
Buffy snorted and dropped her fork. “I didn’t even e-mail you guys! Let alone call or visit! I’m surprised you even wanted to have lunch with me…”
“Well,” Willow began. “There are some things I wanted to say to you, I’m not gonna lie. You’ve missed out on a lot over the last four years or so. A lot of it explains why Spike is the way that he is now.”
Buffy was intrigued by this. She knew of some things that happened but it didn’t really seem like they would be life-altering events. However, Spike certainly wasn’t the same man she had left behind years ago. “Like what?” she finally asked.
Willow sighed and sat back. “Well… where do I start? Not to make you feel all crappy again but you dropped a bombshell on him and two weeks later you were gone. He didn’t know what to do with himself after you left.”
Buffy leaned forward on the table. “But see, that’s what I don’t get. You and Xander were still here, right? It wasn’t like I was his only friend in the world…”
“Yeah, Xander and I were here, but he was never as close to us as he was with you or you were with us. It just wasn’t the same. Plus, I was busy with Oz and Xander was dating Cordy at the time…”
Buffy sat back. “Yeah. Hey, whatever happened to Dru? They were really happy together before I left. And I know she was thrilled that I left town…”
Willow cocked her head to one side and sighed sadly. This was why they would have appreciated a phone call or two. It had been four years and Buffy still didn’t know what happened between them. “We were all living in the dorms at UC Sunnydale, except for Xander, he stayed home. Spike and Oz managed to get a room together and I had a crappy roomy. I went over to their dorm one night and Spike went to go to Drusilla’s to give me and Oz some alone time…” Willow paused and stared at her own fidgeting hands for a moment.
Buffy saw the change in her demeanor. “What happened?”
Willow shook her head. “Spike walked in on her with another guy.”
“Oh,” Buffy realized sadly, knowing first hand what pain Spike must have felt at that moment. She’d gone through the same thing with an ex in L.A.
“It ripped him apart. Oz always told me how Spike would just sit in the dorm strumming his guitar for hours. No food, no water, no sunlight. It was like he’d become a zombie. For a while we were afraid he’s starting doing drugs…”
Buffy nodded. “How is Oz? I haven’t seen him yet.”
Willow smirked and tried to hide the disbelief she had with Buffy. She thought for sure Buffy had known about Oz. At least this explained why she never got any sympathy from Buffy over it. “I wouldn’t know how Oz is. He’s been gone for a while now, Buffy.”
Buffy’s mouth dropped open and a wave of embarrassment flooded through her. “I’m so sorry, Wil.”
Willow swallowed and nodded. “Something was going on inside with him, you know? Things with us were a little rocky for a couple weeks and then he just up and left. No phone calls, no note. He just packed a bag and never came back.”
Buffy looked at her friend sympathetically but found herself at a loss for words. After all, it was her own fault she didn’t know about it.
“That was Spikes thing almost as much as it was mine,” Willow said.
“What do you mean?”
“The Dingoes band they had started in high school together was really taking off. Oz’s friend Devon played drums while Oz played bass and Spike sang and played guitar. When Oz up and left, Devon left, and Spike was alone. He didn’t want to continue the band without the original members,” she paused as Buffy let everything sink in. “His one past time he was really passionate about was pulled out from underneath him.”
Buffy felt such a wave of guilt. Spike had wanted to be in a rock band for as long as she could remember. It was his passion. He had even planned on taking business classes in college so he could be his own manager. To have all of that ripped away in a matter of days…
He worked long and hard for that band to be successful and it crumbled before him. And here she was, a high school graduate with no college experience who was handed this hoity-toity job getting paid top dollar to answer phones, transfer calls, look pretty and sit in meetings for her rich father.
Spike deserved to be successful, not her…
“I feel,” Willow sighed. “I almost feel like I shouldn’t be telling you all this, but I think for you to truly understand Spikes hostility you need to know… he’s developed a bit of a drinking problem.”
This caught Buffy’s attention again and she looked at Willow wide-eyed.
“What little money he gets doing solo gigs or bartending, he blows on cigarettes and whiskey.”
Buffy’s eyes welled up with tears. “I’ve been such a fool. God,” she said wiping a fallen tear. “If only I had known. If I had just called…”
“Seeing him spiral downward was hard on Mr. Giles. He blamed himself for everything and before long he started suffering from depression.”
Buffy dropped her head and let out a quiet sob. Of all people Mr. Giles should have been the last person to blame himself for Spikes depression and aggravation.
Willow continued. “Spike never really talked about it but we were pretty sure Mr. Giles recently went on anti-depressants. We did some reading and we think maybe they had a negative effect…”
“I still can’t believe it… he was more of a father to me than my own while I was growing up,” she said wiping at a few more tears with her napkin. “He still is…”
Willow looked sympathetically over at Buffy, knowing just how close he was with her before she left. Even with that knowledge it made her curious… until now Buffy hadn’t had much to say about Mr. Giles’ death, but has been more concerned about Spike. It was understandable, of course, but it was a little surprising she hadn’t had more questions and concerns about the man that was a father to her.
“He was like a father to all of us throughout high school, Buffy.” Willow said with a teary-eyed smile and a comforting hand on top of her friends. “But you were by far the favorite. Even more than Spike sometimes.” She chuckled.
“Yeah,” Buffy laughed as she wiped at her puffy eyes. “I think Spike was a little jealous when his dad took me to the father-daughter dance at school.”
Willow nodded. “He didn’t say it but I think Spike really wanted to be in that dress you were wearing. He wouldn’t stop staring…” she bubbled with tear-stained laughter.
Buffy was laughing uncontrollably now, appreciative of the change in mood.
“Buffy, I don’t mean to completely depress you or make you uncomfortable, but there’s something I really wanna tell you…”
From the tone of her voice and the look on Willow’s face Buffy knew this was serious, and so she immediately took the sad smile off of her face and held Willows hand on top of the table. “What is it, Wil? You can tell me anything…”
Willow sighed and frowned a little. She didn’t like feeling slightly bitter toward Buffy about the subject, but she just couldn’t help it. She had been gone and this information she was about to release was not new, it wasn’t recent. It was something that she should have known about a long time ago. She knew, however, that she couldn’t change the past and so it was now or never.
“I told you before that a lot had changed since you left, and not all of it is about Spike…”
Buffy furrowed her brow, unsure of where this was going. She already knew of Xander’s engagement, Oz’s departure and Mr. Giles’ death. Everything else she had found out was about Spike, so what else was there? “What is it, Wil?”
“In the next few days there’s someone I would like to introduce you to. She knows so much about you already just from the guys and I talking about you…”
Buffy’s eyes grew big and she sat up straight. “Oh my god Willow did you have a baby?”
Willow chuckled and shook her head, effectively bringing Buffy back down. She was intrigued again. “Buffy, I want to introduce you to my girlfriend, Tara.”
Buffy blinked a few times and sat back again. “Your girlfriend as in your close friend, or…” By the slightly saddened look in Willows eyes Buffy knew what she meant and the guilt set it, fresher than ever. “O-oh. Wow.”
“You’re freaked.”
“No! No not at all, Wil. It’s just… not what I expected you to say.” She sighed and smiled at her friend. “That’s great, really. As long as you’re happy…”
Willow sucked in a long breath, relieved that it was finally out and that particular secret was out to the last person who needed to know. “I am very happy, but it was really hard,” she said, voice cracking. “It was so confusing,” she said beginning to cry. “I couldn’t talk about it with Xander or Spike, or my parents. It was so hard, Buffy. I didn’t understand why I was having these feelings toward a woman, and so soon after Oz…”
Buffy understood what Willow was trying to say without saying it. “I wasn’t there,” she said sucking in a sharp shaky breath. “I wasn’t here for you.”
Willow broke down then, lip quivering and tears rolling freely down her cheeks as she looked to the side and choked out a sob. “You weren’t there. I was going through such a huge change in my life, and I was so scared.”
“Oh, Wil,” Buffy cried and together they stood and hugged each other over top of the small table they shared. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here. It’ll never happen again, I promise! I’m so sorry.”
“I just missed you so much, but it felt like you had this great new life and you didn’t want us in it…”
Buffy snorted and wiped at a tear as she and Willow separated to look at each other. “Hardly. If it weren’t for the work I’ve been doing on the side I would have come home years ago,” she sniffled.
Willow dabbed at the last of her fallen tears with a clean napkin. “What do you mean? You’re not just working for your dad?”
Buffy took a deep breath and smiled at Willow across the table. She still had so much to tell her.
x X x X x X x
Buffy walked into her house an immediately called for Spike. She kicked her shoes off and set a bag of food down on the foyer table as she slipped her jacket off and hung it on the rack.
Answering her call Spike came walking out of the kitchen looking a little red-eyed and clutching a grey folder with the name of some insurance company on it. Her stomach dropped at the thought of it being information on Mr. Giles’ life insurance policy, and she wept inside for Spike knowing the insurance company wouldn’t hand over the money knowing it was death by suicide. With that thought on her mind, and everything that Willow just told her Spike was going through, is still going through, she did the only thing she could think of… she wrapped her arms around him.
Spike was a little surprised at first but realization quickly washed over him. Willow must have told her some stuff. Not really wanting to find out just how much she knew, Spike simply wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on top of her head, hugging her fiercely.
There was so much Buffy wished she could say to him in that moment, but she couldn’t find the right words. She wanted him to know so badly just how much she missed him, and how good it felt to be in his arms again after all this time.
She never wanted to leave his arms.
Buffy frowned to herself. The feelings coursing through her didn’t feel like friendly feelings. They felt more like I want to kiss you breathless feelings… but for Spike? When and where did those develop?
Mentally shaking her head, Buffy decided she would think more on that later. Right now he was sad, and his tummy was growling, bringing her from her thoughts.
Buffy pulled back but didn’t let go of him completely. “I brought you a triple-decker club sandwich. How’s that sound?”
His stomach growled again and Buffy smiled up at him. He blushed a little and looked at the bag she’d left on the table behind her, then back down at her. He held up the grey folder in his hand and quirked a brow. “All this nonsense is wearin’ me out.”
Buffy nodded. “That and I’m told you’ve barely eaten in the last seventy-two hours…”
They separated and Spike looked down at his feet. Of course he hadn’t eaten. He couldn’t. But it appeared that now things were changing and his stomach didn’t care what he was feeling. It decided he needed food and he needed it now.
Being mad at Buffy was going to have to wait, worrying about the finances was going to have to wait, because with the amount that he’d been drinking while Buffy was gone, he needed food or he’d literally have no stomach lining in the morning.
“Come on,” Buffy said rubbing his arms. “Let’s get some food in your system,” she said and began to walk toward the kitchen.
“Buffy,” Spike said suddenly, grabbing her elbow as she walked past him, stopping her in her tracks and turning her toward him again. That was the first time he’d called out to her or even used her name since she’d come home and just the way her name rumbled from his chest made her heart clench and her insides tingle.
He surprised himself with the sudden need to call out to her. He’d been trying so hard to be mad at her for all her past choices and mistakes. Last night all he wanted was for her to go back to her cozy office in L.A. and stop pretending she cared. He wanted more reasons to stay mad at her. It was easier that way.
Right now, however, she was here and trying and he realized something… he wasn’t interested in easy.
She was looking up at him now, eyes big and sparkling green and although it had only been less than twenty-four hours, he was already done being mad.
“I missed you too.”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I know it's been ridiculously long since my last update. I'd give an excuse except I don't have one. I'm just lazy. Sorry =/
Chapter End Notes:
Let me know what you thought. Chapter 4 is done and ready to be posted but I won't do so unless I get some reviews for this one. I need to know people are actually reading it, so let me know what you think. Thanks! :)