CHAPTER FOUR: Baby Steps
In twenty-four hours Buffy had seen the walls Spike built around himself, had seen how it affected those around him, herself included, and had seen those walls come down a bit. She didn’t want to think it was her that managed to crack him a bit. She didn’t deserve that kind of credit. However, after only a couple hours of talking and pouring her heart out about how confused and sorry she was, he himself began to tell her just what he and his father had been going through for the last few years.
“He was so aggravated when I dropped out of college.” Spike said as he swung a bottle of whiskey between his knees. “Didn’t speak to me for a few weeks. When he did speak to me it was about how disappointed he was.”
Buffy felt pangs shoot through her at that. She knew education was important to Mr. Giles but she never thought he could stop speaking to his son… his only son over it.
Spike lit and took a long drag of his cigarette. “He hated Dru and pretty much every other girl I brought home,” he said looking Buffy square in the eye. “He was never happy unless it was you.”
Buffy shifted a little in her seat. What was that supposed to mean? If she was honest with herself, she wouldn’t be able to deny the flutter in her stomach when he’d said that. She cleared her throat and blinked a few times. “I-I guess I never really thought about how my leaving would affect him. When I think about it I remember…” she paused, swallowing the lumps in her throat and wiping at a single tear from the corner of her eye. “He was a father to me, so I must have been like a daughter to him.”
Spike felt a slight tremble in his lower lip and he quickly sniffled and took a long swig from his whiskey bottle. “He loved you, that’s for sure.”
Buffy pursed her lips and let her gaze fall to the bottle between Spikes hands. It stunned her to see just how much of the bottle he had polished off since they’d started talking only an hour or so ago. She remembered what Willow told her about his possible alcoholism, and she suddenly felt extremely concerned.
Spike saw where her eyes rested, and he quickly grew upset and defensive. He stood abruptly from the kitchen floor where they had been sitting and pointed down at Buffy, who was now looking up at him wide eyed and nervous looking. “You talked to Willow about me, didn’t you? She told you she thinks I have a drinking problem…”
Buffy felt extremely uncomfortable with the way he was looking down at her. His eyes were wild, and his mannerisms were aggressive. This wasn’t right, and it had the potential to get worse. She quickly crawled up the wall and straightened her shirt. “No,” she quickly lied. “She didn’t say anything like that.”
Spike clenched his jaw and looked into her eyes, waiting for any indicator that she was lying.
Buffy held her ground, still scared out of her mind that he could get violent. She didn’t really know him; after all it had been five years since she’d spent any time with this man. He could be capable of anything for all she knew.
“Spike,” Buffy said holding out a hand to try and calm him. “Is everything okay with you? Do you need to talk to someone?”
That set Spike off. What a stupid fucking question! He blew up, throwing his cigarette and the bottle into the sink, shattering it and making Buffy jump in surprise and fear. “My father just committed bloody suicide! Put a bullet in his mouth, he did!” he yelled, making a gesture toward his head with his fingers. “Of course I’m not okay!”
Buffy felt so stupid. She was an idiot for asking that question, and who was she to judge on his drinking? He was hurting. He could drink all e wanted if that was what made him feel better. She looked him in the eye and her heart broke when she saw the unshed tears there as he glared at her, shaking.
She carefully reached out and touched her fingertips to his. He clenched his jaw and tried his hardest not to pull his hand away from hers. He was sick and bloody tired of people asking him if he was okay. It was a ridiculous question at a time like this. He would never be okay with this. A small part of him felt bad for scaring her the way he did, but he swore if another person asked that question he was really going to snap.
“I’m so sorry,” she said in a meek little voice, making Spike feel like more of a jerk. “I’m such an idiot for asking you that, I’m so, so sorry.” She carefully entwined her fingers with his and moved into his arms, getting her first real hug since the moment she’d stepped foot into town.
When her tiny frame moved to lean against him in a hug Spike felt the defensiveness melt away. After all, she didn’t mean to offend him, but she should know by now his temper was a short one.
Buffy breathed a sigh of relief when at last he put his arm around her, holding her to him. It felt good to be in his arms again after all these years. She felt good here. She felt safe here. And if she was completely honest with herself, she’d say she was excited to be here, wrapped up in his embrace. She nuzzled her face in his pectoral muscle and inhaled his scent. It was different than it used to be. Then again, that could be because he slept and showered here last night as was currently wearing Xander’s clothing. Xander’s goofy clothing…
Spike took a deep breath and caught the scent of her hair. After all these years it hadn’t changed even the slightest bit. He found he rather liked that. He unknowingly squeezed her a little tighter. He felt her nuzzle against his chest and it distracted him. He had an incredible urge to kiss her, but in no way would that have been appropriate. Still, he couldn’t help but imagine it. Gone was the mousy little girl that had left him so many years earlier. She was a woman now. She had curves in all the right places and soft, beautifully tanned skin. Her hair was longer and while no longer bleached, she had nice highlights that reminded him of rays of sunshine. He felt her manicured nails dig ever so slightly into his back, making him feel like she didn’t want to let go. Truth be told, he never wanted to let her go, and within moments he began to imagine those manicured hands doing other things, other naughty things to him and he quickly had to pull away before she could feel any evidence of his drunken thoughts.
Buffy couldn’t help the slight pout that formed on her face when he pulled back. She already missed having his hard lean body against her own, something she was afraid of him ever finding out. If he did he’d probably run scared and wish she’d never come back to town in the first place.
They separated but their hands became entwined again. Buffy looked up at him through her eye lashes. “Are we okay?” she asked cautiously, one hundred percent afraid of the answer.
Spike swallowed hard and looked at the golden beauty in front of him. She did make for a nice distraction amidst all the chaos in his life, and right now he needed that, and for that, he couldn’t stay mad at her no matter how hard he tried. “Yeah,” he nodded once, sucking in a deep breath and forcing a small smile. “We’re okay.”
Buffy felt as is a huge burden had been lifted off her shoulders. She just wanted him to talk to her, no matter what she had to do; she would get him to open up to her.
Spike sat there and absorbed her as she leaned in for another quick hug before pulling back again. She kept her hands on him as she looked into his eyes, then across his face, and at his hair. He knew he was a mess, and the hair at the back of his neck was beginning to irritate.
Buffy pursed her lips and tired to hide the disapproving look she was afraid would offend him, and looked into his eyes again. “Can I ask you a question?”
Spike half smirked and nodded.
She wrinkled her nose. “Is that the way you always wear your hair now, I mean, are you trying to let your natural color come back in or-“
He shook his head. “No, pet. That’s just evidence of my laziness. It’s starting to bother.”
Buffy smiled and sort of twirled back and forth with his hands in hers. “Then you know what we should do?”
Spike took a deep breath and fought t keep steady. All that whiskey was starting to kick in… finally. “Lemme guess…”
Buffy tilted her head and gave him her best pouty look.
It wasn’t the sort of thing Spike found cute anymore, no, now it was probably the sexiest damn thing he’d ever see-that pout on her full, glossy pink lips…
She noticed his staring at her mouth, and where it probably should have alarmed her or made her think stop, she found herself excited by it. With a twitch of her head she flipped her hair out of her face and purposefully flaunted a little neck and cleavage at him. “Come on, it’ll be fun, like old times…”
Spike was far too distracted to think of any other response except yes. Did she know what she was doing to him? Or was she just adorably clueless? There was no denying the woman in front of him.
“Alright, luv. Do me up good…”
Buffy smiled in triumph and pulled back, putting her hands on her hips, cocking her head and blushing when he didn’t stop staring at her body. She tilted her head toward the hallway. “Come on, let’s get you looking like you again…”
x X x X x X x
Spike closed the toilet lid and sat down, running a hand through his unruly locks one last time before they went back to being normal.
Buffy watched him out of the corner of her eye as she pulled her t-shirt up over her head and tossed it in the chute, leaving her in only a white cotton cami and some grey soffe shorts. It had been a while since she’d done any bleaching herself and she didn’t want to risk ruining some of the only clothing she brought with her from L.A.
When she bent over to grab a bleaching kit out from under the sink Spike couldn’t help but stare at her ass. She had definitely filled out nicely over the years. He had an incredible urge to smack her backside. He knew it was wrong, but he’d just blame that little thought on the liquor.
Just then Buffy stood straight and turned to face him. She set a bottle down on the sink along with a set of latex gloves and she held scissors in her hand, ready to snip away and bring back the confident man she knew was hiding under that hair somewhere. She looked him up and down once and cocked a brow at him. “Unless you want to explain to Xander why there are bleach stains all over his shirt I suggest you take it off. I haven’t done this in a while.”
Spike rolled his eyes and chuckled, a sound Buffy never thought she’d miss so much. “Great,” he said as he grabbed the hem of the shirt and pulled it up. “This coming from the bird about to chop away and color me.” He pulled the shirt over his head and balled it up, tossing it at her, much like he did the last time they’d done this together.
Buffy felt nostalgic as she pictured that night, but the sight of him on front of her now, shirtless and looking at her with the slightest of smirks on his face… Even with the icky hair he was drool worthy. And why did his accent seem so much sexier now than when they were kids? She swallowed hard and forced her eyes away from him. She was here to help him grieve and cope, not to have naughty thoughts about the guy she walked away from years ago.
Spike could have sworn he saw her staring at him, and his ego swelled, but then she looked away and blushed and he felt as if maybe for a moment she was seeing him as more than her former best friend. Not that it would mater either way. In a week she would go back to her new home and back to her fancy job in her wonderful new life… away from him.
“So,” Buffy said after clearing her throat. She approached him and started slowly snipping at the ends of his unruly curls. “I know…. You’re not ready to go over there. Not yet…”
Spike stiffened as the pain of reality came rushing back at him.
“But you need clothes. Your own clothes,” she said tenderly. “If you want… If you’re okay with it, I mean, I’ll go over there and grab you a couple of day’s worth so you don’t have to wear Xander’s goofy stuff anymore. I don’t mind.”
Spike was quiet and his change in demeanor was easily noticeable. Buffy already felt back about bringing it up.
“If you want I could just run there and back while you’re in the shower…”
Spike swallowed hard and thought for a moment. He knew sooner or later he was going to have to go back in there. The house was his now, after all. He should just man up and go over himself, but he needed someone to tell him it was okay, that he wouldn’t have to see… anything.
“Yeah,” he responded after what felt like an eternity, and Buffy was relieved. He looked up and caught her gaze, holding it for a moment hoping Buffy would understand what he needed. She did, and she nodded at him before she continued to cut his hair. Spike looked down at his hands with blurred vision. “I’d appreciate that.”
x X x X x X x
Buffy listened to the sound of the water running in the shower as she slipped on a light jacket and walked out her front door.
The house down the street was dark and almost eerie looking. Of course she probably only felt that way because she knew what had happened inside. Still, she missed that safe and warm feeling she used to get when she would go to Spikes house.
She rubbed her arms to fend off the night cold as she quickly made her way up the cobblestone walk and to the front door. With her hand on the door handle she made a quick mental note of where the light switches were so she could see what she was doing. With her luck she would trip over some piece of furniture she didn’t see in time and knock herself out in the dark.
The door was unlocked and with a simple push the door opened with a creak, sending a slight chill down her spine. It was creepy, walking into a house she used to know so well and feeling like she had no idea where she was going.
Buffy flicked on the light in the living room and shut the door behind her, immediately surveying the room for anything out of the ordinary. Everything was exactly as she had remembered it, and for the second time tonight she was feeling extremely nostalgic.
She stepped into the living room and toward the stairs, knowing she should just go to Spike’s room, get his clothes, and get back, but she had to spy around and see if anything had changed. She was genuinely curious. As she approached the stairs she did look over at the door to Mr. Giles’ study. She never asked, but she had an overwhelming suspicion that was where he had died. Buffy supposed she shouldn’t snoop, she should just go upstairs, grab what she came for and get back home, but Spike also needed to know it was okay to come home without being anymore emotionally scarred than he already was from all this. She should go in and make sure there was no… mess.
With a deep breath she shook the chill from her shoulders and walked over to the study, pushing the door open and flicking the light on. It was creepy the way the furniture was moved and the old persian rug was very obviously mussing. She was relieved, though. Aside from furniture placement there was no evidence of… anything… happening in there.
Before turning to leave Buffy couldn’t help but look at the lone picture on the desk, a family portrait from when Spike, when William, was a kid. Both Mr. and Mrs. Giles looked so young and healthy in the picture. They were happy…
How could someone be so happy one day, and then another day just decide to take their own life? It was absolutely heartbreaking.
Buffy flicked off the light after one last look around the room and closed the door behind her, making her way over to the stairs and up to the second floor. The closer she got to Spikes bedroom door the chillier it got. At first she thought it was just her, but when she could see her breath she knew it wasn’t just her mind tricking her, it was real.
The doorknob to his room was ice and as she turned it and entered the room she stopped in her tracks. The entire room was littered with bottles, empty bottles of various alcohols, with a special emphasis on whiskey.
She shook her head and tightened her jacket around her body. It was one thing to have a drink and try to cope with something bad. It was another thing entirely to drink so much it pushes your loved ones away. Buffy was beginning to see the bigger picture in Spike and Mr. Giles’ relationship.
A draft whipped its way across her face and her attention was drawn to the open window above the bed. Buffy tip toes her way around the multiple glass bottles toward the bed, leaning forward on one knee as she reached over and closed it, shoving a few stray cigarette butts out of the way in the process.
Buffy stood straight and looked around the room, deciding where to start. Her eyes landed on his cluttered dresser and she carefully moved over to it. She sifted through each drawer, looking for essentials and something more comfortable for him to wear. Quickly she pulled out two t-shirts, two pairs of black denim jeans and a couple of pairs of black socks. She looked for underwear or boxer shorts but could only come up with one pair, so she took that and got ready to grab some things from the bathroom when something in the drawer caught her attention. Folded and shoved in the far corner of the bottom drawer, hidden behind old clothes were a few pieces of paper with Spikes handwriting on them, all banded together.
For a moment Buffy just stared at the papers, telling herself that whatever was written on them was private and absolutely none of her business. Something nagged at her, though, and pulled her to look at what was on the sheets. Buffy furrowed her brow and pulled them out, quickly unfolding them and reading the handwritten words.
As she stared at the papers and read what Spike had written, she came to realize they must have been song lyrics, maybe from his Dingo days, maybe not. They were interesting, and although there was no music for Buffy to put with the words, they moved her.
Every desert can be found in any one grain of sand…
All the oceans are inside your every tear…
A single minute was a year you never came for me…
I feel the agony of hope when you are near…
To Buffy, what she was reading was more than just powerful words on paper, they were Spike, and his inner most thoughts. They were his true feelings. They were deep. Maybe he wrote these when he and Dru split up?
Looking through other various sheets and reading what she assumed were other songs she decided she looked forward to hearing him sing some of them. As she prepared to leave and she reached back down into the dresser drawer to put the stack of papers back, a glossy photo folded in half caught her attention. The moonlight caught the resin on the photo, and not caring at this point that she was completely invading his privacy she picked it up and unfolded it, surprised to see it was a photo of him with her. It was so long ago, she couldn’t quite recall when the picture was taken or where, but she loved it. They both looked so happy, and Buffy couldn’t help but run her fingers across the image of Spikes smiling face. It almost hurt to see him so happy knowing how miserable he really was.
Shaking her head to herself, Buffy moved to set the photo down, noticing at the last second that there was something written on the back.
All I ever wanted…
An entirely new wave of emotion flooded Buffy’s mind and body when she read the words. A combination of guilt, lust, worry and embarrassment flushed her cheeks and she quickly put the picture with the sheets of music back in their hiding spot within the dresser.
She sucked in a deep breath and stood, clutching an armful of Spikes clothes in her arm and she moved toward his bathroom, looking for more things to grab.
Her mind was running a mile a minute. Why would he write those specific words on the back of a photo of her and him together? And how long ago did he write it there? This was information overload and being only her second day back in town she wasn’t ready for such potentially life altering information. This was her best friend. Any answer to either of those questions could change the way she looked at him forever, and she wasn’t ready for that.
Buffy quickly grabbed shampoo, body wash, and after shave from Spike’s bathroom, oddly eager to have him smelling like him again, and left the house, all the while pushing thoughts of the photo out of her mind.
When she walked back through her own front door she immediately noticed she couldn’t hear the shower running anymore. “Spike?” she called out from the foot of the stairs. No one answered. Buffy frowned and kicked off her shoes, pushing a wayward strand of hair out of her face as she ascended the stairs.
She peered into the open bathroom, noticing it had steamy post-shower dew but no Spike. As an after thought Buffy set all of Spikes toiletries down on the bathroom counter so they’d be there for him tomorrow, and then continued on across the hall to her own bedroom.
“Spike?” she asked as she pushed the already ajar door the rest of the way open. What Buffy saw both got her blood rushing and her heart warmed. Spike was lying horizontally on her bed, wrapped in nothing but a towel, fast asleep and using Mr. Gordo as a pillow. Looking at his head upon her favorite stuffed animal and his calm, sleeping face made her heart swell. His white muscled torso and soft, creamy white skin made her mouth water.
The onslaught of hormones and emotions invaded her senses again and she felt a headache coming on from the aggravating seriousness of it. She very much wanted to crawl into her bed next to him and lay beside him, feel him next to her, but her brain screamed no, and for a moment she cursed her mother for her good and proper upbringing.
She quietly walked up to the side of the bed and pulled a blanket from the chair nearby, covering him lovingly, not wanting to wake him even to urge him to dress. He needed sleep and she couldn’t wasn’t exactly ready to face him quite so soon after seeing that photograph.
Buffy set the pile of his clothing on the chair next to the bed, turned off the light, and left the room to let him rest, gazing at him one last time before closing the door behind her. As she turned away from the door to make her way downstairs she jumped. Dawn had been hovering behind her.
“Whoa,” Dawn soothed as she cocked a brow at her jumpy older sister.
“Jesus, Dawnie, you scared me,” Buffy whispered, holding one hand to her chest.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to. Mom and I just got home,” she said looking over her sister’s shoulder at the now closed door. “Was that Spike? What’s he-“
“He fell asleep while I was across the street grabbing some things for him,” she said with a shrug. “I didn’t have the heart to wake him.”
Dawn looked down sympathetically at her. “How is he today? With you, I mean…”
Buffy and Dawn walked together down the hall, taking their voices away from the bedroom door. “He and I talked some stuff out today. And I talked to Willow; she filled me in on a lot of stuff. It helped.”
“Good,” Dawn sighed when they came to stand at the top of the stairs. “It gave me tummy rumblings when you weren’t talking.”
Buffy looked back down the hall at her closed bedroom door, wanting very much to go back in there with him. “Yeah, things are… less tense. But they’re still not great. He’s letting me back in, though, and that’s good.”
Dawn smiled. “I’m glad. I think a reconciliation between you guys is exactly what he needs to get through all this.”
Buffy nodded, still gazing at the door.
Dawn followed Buffy’s gaze down to the door and looked back at her, suppressing a smirk. “And maybe he’s exactly what you need too.”
Buffy frowned and looked at her baby sister. “Huh?”
Dawn ignored her, still smirking, and kissed her on the cheek. “Well I’m beat, I’m gonna go to bed.”
“Wait, Dawn…”
“Night Buffy.”
Buffy watched as her sister disappeared into her own bedroom, closing the door behind her. What did she mean by that? She was fine. She didn’t need anything. Spike was the one who needed someone…
With a sigh Buffy stretched and craned her neck, heading downstairs to clean up the kitchen and talk with her mom a bit. It was going to be another long night.
TBC
[Reviews - 63]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 1845 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
Here's another one for you guys! Quick disclaimer - the lyrics included in this chapter actually belong to a local Buffalo band called Bone Deep, from their song The Desert from the album Snap. In here though, it's Spikes... :) Enjoy
Chapter End Notes:
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE Review... pretty please?? ;)