CHAPTER SIX: A Change of Heart
The sound of the door being forced open startled her and Buffy spun in the large office chair, holding the phone receiver with her free hand to muffle her sound of surprise to whomever she was speaking with. She was surprised to see Spike standing in the doorway looking none too pleased with her.
“What are you doing here?” he asked angrily, not taking his eyes off her to look around even an inch.
Buffy blinked rapidly, swallowing hard and slowly taking her hand off of the phone to speak. “I’ll call you back,” she stated simply before hanging up the phone and turning to rest of her body toward him. He didn’t take his eyes off her, something she noticed again. It was as if he was trying not to look at anything else in the room, afraid of what he might find or see.
“Spike,” she spoke softly. “Maybe you shouldn’t be in here so soon after…”
His jaw clenched again and his knee wobbled. “Planning your escape already? Hate it here that much, do you?”
What? she thought. Why would he think…
“Spike, no,” she said standing and moving her way over to where he stood in the doorway. He still wouldn’t take his eyes off her, or even blink for that matter. “I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. I would never leave without telling you, I swear.”
Spike pursed his lips and nodded, chuckling dryly. “Oh that’s right, you give two weeks notice and then take off. I forgot.”
Buffy stopped in her tracks as that verbal whiplash struck her across the face. She could only take that particular guilt trip so much. It was getting old, and fast. “Spike I came here to help. I think it may have worked, too.”
“Help? Sitting at my dead father’s desk rummaging through his things,” he said motioning past her to the pill bottle next to the phone, where his eyes were now stuck, getting red and glossy. “How the bloody hell is that helping?”
Buffy faltered for a moment. It did look bad, really bad and also morbid but she was trying to help. She just… needed to see if it was worth telling about first. “Spike, I have a theory… and,” she sighed, letting her hands fall to her sides. “I needed to be sure that it was worth going for before I got your hopes up.”
Spike clenched his jaw and looked back down at her, eyes cold and glossy from unshed tears. “Then talk.”
Buffy swallowed and looked down for a moment, gaining the courage to drop this news on him now, before anything was certain.
Spike was clenching his fist to contain the shaking that was threatening to show. A thin sheen of sweat was also beginning to show on his pale skin, though he blamed that on the fact that he hadn’t had his spot of Southern Comfort yet today. The overly large sandwich Joyce had made him eat wasn’t helping his weak constitution any.
Buffy looked back up at him. “Working for my dads law firm, I’ve pushed an awful lot of paper. After a while I started reading some and I started to learn a thing or two…”
Spikes attention was piqued. What did her job have to do with any of this? And more importantly, why wasn’t he staying angry at her?
“There have been a few insurance claim cases that have gone to court over destructive medications…” she said as she stared into his eyes. When he didn’t react right away she continued. “Usually the medications are depression related. There are all these warnings on bottles and commercials and waivers that say if your depression worsens as a result of a new medication or a change in dosage, to stop and contact your doctor. Problem is, many of the victims of this problem aren’t thinking clearly because of the medication and don’t have the sense to call their doctors or stop.”
Spike swallowed and blinked a few times, shifting his weight from one foot to another. “Are you telling me that all this,” he said motioning around him. “Is because of his medicine?”
Buffy pursed her lips together and nodded her head, clasping her hands together in front of her chest. “I don’t want you to get your hopes up just in case it falls through, but there is a very good chance that we can get the insurance claim re-evaluated under the grounds of a mis-dosage that caused a psychological break.”
It was a lot to take in. He still hadn’t gotten used to the idea that his father was no longer around. Now he had the idea that although his death had been a suicide, he could still collect the life insurance his father had invested in, and then keep the house. Despite his mixed emotions about everything that had happened in the house, he still didn’t want to sell the place off. It was home.
Buffy grew immensely nervous when he didn’t respond. He was standing there; breathing heavily from what she assumed was the stress of being inside the house when he’d already admitted he wasn’t comfortable with it. He was repetitively clenching and unclenching his jaw, and his eyes were completely glossed over. For a moment she thought about snapping her fingers in front of his face to see if he would react, when suddenly he blinked and swallowed.
“What do I have to do? Should I get a lawyer and file a claim, or-“
“I already did it,” Buffy half smiled. “We should get an answer within the week.”
Spike let out an audible gasp and squeezed his eyes shut, grabbing onto Buffy’s upper arms and pulling her into a fierce hug.
Buffy couldn’t help the squeak that slipped its way out of her once she found her body pressed so firmly against his so suddenly. He was a vice like grip on her as he breathed heavily on her neck, exasperated and unsure of how to thank her for her help.
When Buffy felt him pull back she was sure their little hug was over, and though she chose not to think too hard on why she was a little disappointed that she wouldn’t feel him against her anymore, she smiled. His lean body was something Buffy found herself noticing a lot more than she ever had in the past and the thought that he could be pressed up against her front, against her back, it made her quiver in that more than a friend kind of way. That was something she’d never thought she would feel for him.
She raised her eyes to his when he pulled back, and gasped into his mouth when suddenly he pressed his lips against hers. She was shocked, to say the least when he didn’t pull back right away. It felt like it was meant to be a short, chaste thank you kiss, but his mouth lingered, his top lip nestled comfortable between her top and bottom lips. She could feel the hesitation in his body, but he didn’t move away.
Spike didn’t realize it was happening until it had already happened. He was hugging her, nearly in tears at the relief he’d felt from her news, and all of a sudden his lips were on hers. He wasn’t exactly sure how it happened, but he was also certain of one very important detail- it felt really fucking good.
Spike’s grip on Buffy’s upper arms loosened and without that firm support Buffy felt herself leaning forward unto him, bringing her thoughts from how good it felt to the fact that it was coming to an end. Her body and mind pouted.
Spike pulled out of the kiss and rubbed Buffy’s arms soothingly with his thumbs, feeling suddenly bad about the fierce hold he’d had on her. His eyes opened slowly, afraid to see her reaction, and exhaled deeply.
Buffy opened her eyes slowly as well, pulling her bottom lips into her mouth hoping to pull any lingering taste of him into her before she could forget how it felt to have his lips on hers, sure that it would most likely never happen again. She was too stunned to say anything. Too disappointed that it was over already…
Spike cleared his throat and let go of her arms, ignoring the way she wobbled before regaining her footing, and pulled her into an awkward hug. “Thank you,” he whispered into her shoulder.
Buffy eased a bit and thought about what it must feel like to have the load off of his shoulders. Had it been the other way around she probably would have reacted the same way. She sighed and let her body sink back into his embrace, this one a little more familiar. “You’re welcome.”
x X x X x X x X x X x
Buffy sat on her bedroom windowsill, gazing out at the sunset behind the houses across the street. Her mind couldn’t sit still, jumping back and forth from one incident to another, making her stomach flutter with one memory and completely drop with another.
Her feelings for Spike were changing. This she could no longer deny. He wasn’t the same man she’d left behind so many years ago. He was older, rougher, somehow sexier, but his heart was the same, save for a few battle scars. Buffy found herself completely drawn to him, and where she may have been able to push away all thoughts of romance or potential feelings for him before, the kiss they’d shared earlier that day had shattered all control she had over her emotions.
Her body ached for him now, and she was mad at herself for it. There were more important things to deal with here, and eventually she would have to go back to her place, to her job in L.A. There was no time to fantasize or see if this would go anywhere. She snorted to herself and shook her head. He probably didn’t feel anything for her anyway. She had let four tiny words written on the back of a photograph run rampant through her mind, and jump to conclusions that were more than likely false. Man, did she know how to bring herself down or what?
A gentle tapping on her bedroom door pulled her from her thoughts, though, and she quickly whipped her head around, pulling the wind blown strands of hair away from her mouth with her index finger. Her heart skipped. “Come in!”
Spike blinked a few times and sucked in a seep breath as he turned the door knob. He felt so awkward after his impromptu kiss earlier, so afraid he’d scared her off, all thoughts of his father and everything else were washed from his mind. He couldn’t lose her again. He wouldn’t. He’d find a way to make the distance between them work if that was what he had to do.
He pushed open the door and looked around the darkening room, finally spotting Buffy out on the windowsill. He sighed in relief. “Hey,” he breathed out as he stood in the doorway and stuffed his hands in his pockets.
Buffy turned her body in her spot and wrapped her arms around herself, smiling. “Hey,” she responded meekly.
Spike was stunned by the picture in front of him. She was so beautiful. The sun setting behind her shone and cast her silhouette toward him. Her hair and eyes sparkled as the wind blew around her. She was absolutely breathtaking; he never wanted to take his eyes off of her. She was his angel, sent here to help him through all of this. He could see that now.
“I’m sorry,” he said, ducking his head slightly.
Buffy furrowed her brow and tilted her head slightly to the side, much like he used to do. “For what?”
He slumped, feeling guiltier than ever. “For jumping on you earlier, getting mad about you being in the house.”
Buffy’s eyes showed realization. She nodded.
“For kissing you the way I did. I shouldn’t have put you in that position,” he ducked his eyes. “Shouldn’t have assumed that was alright…”
Buffy swallowed hard and tried not to blush as she climbed back into her bedroom and stepped closer to him. “Hey,” she said, drawing his eyes back to hers. “Since when do we apologize for getting in each others personal space? I think never…”
Spike sighed and smiled, shaking his head to try and hide his blush from her. “I’m still sorry.”
Buffy half smiled and grabbed his hand, bringing his eyes back to hers once again. “You’re forgiven.”
Moments felt like hours as they stared into each others eyes. There was so much unspoken between them now, more than there had been before Buffy ever came back to Sunnydale. Spike had no idea how to tell her that his feelings for her were changing. If he did tell her, would she believe him? Or tell him he wasn’t thinking clearly?
There was so much Buffy wanted to talk to him about, things not involving their kiss but about what they had been doing for the last five years. She wanted to explain herself to him, and give him the chance to forgive her.
“You wanna take a walk?” she asked, looking up and into him.
Spike swallowed, and Buffy watched as his adams apple bobbed up and then back down. “Yeah,” he nodded, looking down at their joined hands, and held on just a little bit tighter.
x X x X x X x X x X x
Buffy and Spike slowly walked the darkened streets of Sunnydale hand in hand, not saying much, unsure where or how to start. One of them had to sooner or later, though, and Buffy wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
She looked up at him as he watched their feet, kicking a stone out of their path. She was going crazy inside with wanting to kiss him again, to share these new feelings she had with him, but fear held her back. She didn’t want anything else screwing with his head right now.
“So…” she started awkwardly, looking forward again. “Now that you’ve been back inside the house do you think you’ll start staying there again?”
Spike shrugged and kicked another pebble. “Probably… in a few days or so. I want to move some stuff around first.”
This intrigued Buffy. “Oh?”
Spike suddenly felt like a ponce. “Unless you think I should go there tonight. I’m sure I’ve probably worn out my welcome…”
“No! No,” she chuckled and touched his upper arm with her free hand. “You could never. You know you’re always welcome there. Stay as long as you want.”
Spike looked at both of her hands on him and swallowed, his heart aching for her. He hoped she would never move her hands off of him. It felt too good. “Thanks.”
Buffy pursed her lips and looked back down, clearing her throat. “So what do you mean when you say move things around? You mean like rearranging?”
Spike nodded and felt guilty. “Yeah. So you think that’s too insensitive? I feel like if I make the place look different, it won’t seem as empty. I walk in there and it’s like I expect to see him sitting at his desk, but if I move it or get rid of it them that picture is less likely to flash in my head.” Spike sighed and looked down. “Does that make any bloody sense?”
Buffy smiled sadly and nodded, squeezing his hand a little tighter. “Yeah it does. And you know, eventually you have to make that place your own. It’s up to you to decide.”
Spike nodded. “You don’t think it’s too soon?”
Buffy spotted a bench over in front of the Espresso Pump and she pulled him over to it, sitting down and facing him when he followed suit and sat beside her. “What matters, Spike, is that you’re comfortable in your own home. It’s not too soon if that’s what you need to be comfortable.”
Spike clenched his jaw and swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’m afraid that if I change the house, and a relative stops in and sees it, they’ll think I don’t care. They all think I’m a bloody fuck up as it is.”
Buffy shook her head and scooted closer to him, filling his leg with the warmth from her own. “Anyone who really knows you, Spike, knows how much you loved your dad. A coat of paint and rearranging the furniture isn’t going to change that love. Do what you feel you need to do to feel better, not what other people think you should do.”
Spikes eyes were brimmed with tears as he looked at her and nodded, eternally grateful for the little bit she had just said to him. He didn’t want to seem insensitive or disrespectful, but it simply hurt to walk into that house the way it looked now.
Buffy looked back and forth from one eye to another, drinking in the sight of him and refraining from jumping into his lap and kissing him breathless, His kiss earlier left her hormones in a frenzy. Jumping his bones wouldn’t do well to help anything, though.
When she realized she was staring she looked away and cleared her throat. “You know if you decide to start making some changes before I go back to L.A. and you want some help… I have some experience in that area…”
Spike blinked away the impending tears and took a deep breath, smirking and quirking an eyebrow. “Have experience moving and rotating furniture, do you?”
Buffy tried to look offended but only managed to smile and shake her head. “When you say it like that it sounds quirky.” She blushed. Guess now’s the time to let them know what I’ve really been up to… “No, I um…” she took a deep breath and faced him again. “I’m setting up a small interior design business in L.A. I’ve been doing it on the side for extra cash for the last two and a half years.”
Spike was completely thrown, and also not completely sure she was telling him the truth. “Are you yanking my chain?”
Buffy expected the surprise. She shook her head. “No. No yanking of any kind or anything. I’m actually planning on opening a little shop once I get enough money. I need a descent work space.”
“What about the law firm and your job with your dad?”
Buffy shrugged. “Once I’m on my feel with it I plan on quitting. I can’t sit in a stuffy office typing up invoices and making appointments for criminals for the rest of my life. It’s just not me. I’ve put up with it for this long, and it set me up for what I really want to but I can’t do it much longer. I’m going crazy.”
Spike sat back and exhaled. “Wow. Not at all what I expected to hear from you.”
“I know,” Buffy said looking down at her fidgeting hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I haven’t told anyone really. My dad thinks I just dabble but a friend in L.A., Sophie, she knows.” She let out an audible huff and looked up, smiling. “I really love it, though. And everyone I’ve designed for had loved my work so far. And you should see some of the rooms I’ve had to work with so far, I mean yeesh!”
“So let me get this straight… You’ve made a living by telling people what color to paint the walls and what bloody throw pillows to buy… and then charge them for it?”
Buffy smirked and nodded. “In a nutshell. I can turn a gross, mediocre room into one filled with class, style, sophistication… I’ve had one or two Californian hoity-toits call me for advice!” She tilted her head and gave him her best not-so-modest face as she brushed her shoulder and sat back examining her fingernails.
Spike smiled and shook his head, nudging her arm with his as he looked at her. “You always did love those sodden style magazines…”
Buffy’s smile widened. “You remember that?”
Spikes smile faded as he nodded. “I remember everything about you.”
Buffy gulped and entwined her fingers with his again.
Spike looked away and tried not to think about what he would do when she left again. She would set up her business in some cozy little shop in L.A. and she would have no reason to come back to Sunnydale again “Well,” he said as he stood and faced her, still holding her hand as she raised herself up to stand before him. “I think I might need to employ you’re services and have you design me a new parlor, and perhaps a more adult bedroom.”
Buffy smiled tenderly. “Really? You want me to design you two rooms?” At his nod she shifted and hid her smile. “Alright well it’s gonna cost you…”
“Is it, now…” he said holding her hand up and twirling her around as they stepped off the curb and made their way down the street again. “How about I make my first payment in…”
A kiss!
“Pineapple pizza.”
Aw damn. Oh well, still yummy!
Buffy’s eyes lit up and she looped her arm through his as he stuck his hands in his pockets. “Well you drive a hard bargain but Okay!”
Spike smiled through his sadness.
“You know what else we gotta get, though?” she asked looking at him with raised eyebrows.
Spike looked at her and smirked. “Spicy Buffalo Wings?”
“Exactly! Let’s pull an all-nighter and pig out in your bedroom like when we were kids! Oh please oh please oh pleeeease don’t say no! Let me be a kid again even for just one night, please?”
Spike chuckled and held his opposite hand out to settle her as they walked. “Okay, okay. No need to beg, luv. You know I can’t say no to a night of you and Spicy Buffalo Wings.”
Buffy jumped up and down and squealed. “Yay!”
Spikes heart hurt even with the prospect of a fun filled night with Buffy. Something was keeping him down. His father, his depression, his loneliness and the thought of Buffy leaving… it was all getting to him. He looked up and the neon sign he saw straight ahead called to him. He stopped their walk.
“Listen, why don’t you call and order the food so we can pick it up on our way home. I need to run in here real quick.”
Buffy didn’t have the time to protest. In the time she took to look up and see where they were, he’d slipped from her grasp and into the liquor store, leaving her standing alone on the street corner. She sighed and let her smile fade as she pulled out her cell phone and searched through the speed dials. “Right…”
It’s gonna be a long night…
TBC
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Pretty please with cherries on top review!! I already have the next chapter three quarters of the way done... the more reviews i get the faster i type...