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Author's Chapter Notes:
A huge thanks to my Beta Pixiecorn for taking the time to Beta this chapter love you hun. Also a huge thanks to Edgehead for the awesome banner.
Chapter four
Shades of grey.
It had been a month since Spike had moved into the Summer’s house, and Buffy had returned to her duties as the slayer. They had settled into a comfortable routine together, but tonight Spike had other plans. Buffy hadn’t been spending much time with her friends lately, and he thought it best she spend an evening relaxing and catching up.

Buffy was hesitant at first. For the past two months, she had been avoiding her friends, aside from seeing them at school on a weekly day to day basis, Buffy had become quite anti-social.

Her friends had discovered, after they all nagged the truth from Giles, what Angelus had done to her. After Achthla had been destroyed and Angel’s soul had been returned, Giles took the group aside and explained what had really happened that night.

Buffy had confessed to Spike that she was afraid her friends would look at her differently, like she was damaged and fragile. The slayer part of her just couldn’t stand the thought…. The truth was, no part of her could.

Spike had understood, sitting down with her and explaining that she couldn’t continue to hide behind closed doors. If her friends did as she feared then she needed to be the woman he knew she was and set them straight. Buffy smiled, Spike had become her rock, her strength. Somehow amongst all the pain, fear and chaos, something beautiful had happened…. A close bond and friendship had formed as well as a love she feared but desperately hoped Spike would one day return.

She had agreed to go with her fiends to the Bronze for the evening on the condition that Spike joined her. Spike was unsure at first but had agreed to join them after doing a quick sweep of the cemetery.

Buffy was sitting at one of the many tables at the Bronze, sipping her frosty nectar drink when she let out a deep breath. She was finally out and having fun, giggling to herself when she glanced over at her friends dancing to the beat of the music.

She stood from her chair and made her way towards the bar, when she saw her best friend, Willow, bounce off the dance floor and make her way through the crowd towards her.

“Are you having a good time, Buffy?” Willow smiled, bouncing slightly.

“I’m actually having a great time. I’ll have to thank Spike when he gets here for forcing me to come.”

They had been at the Bronze for an hour and in that time they had all talked, danced, laughed and caught up with each other. The most important thing to Buffy was that no one had looked or treated her any differently.

“Right, Spike… how’s that going by the way?” Willow asked, one eyebrow raised in question. Buffy met her gaze, slightly confused.

“What do you mean?”

“Is there sparkage?” Buffy let out a laugh, shaking her head.

“Will, it’s Spike. He’s a vampire.”

“I know that, he’s also a man, a hot man I might add. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed that?” Buffy almost laughed out loud at her friend’s boldness, it wasn’t like Willow to be so bold.

“Willow!” She gasped, shocked. “Who are you and what have you done with my shy and quiet best friend?” she continued.

“Sorry… don’t tell Oz, okay.” Buffy smiled, shaking her head once again.

“I know that he’s a vampire but can you really call him evil?” Buffy was silent, unsure what to say. How could she possibly answer that question? It was true, Spike had tried to kill both her and her friends on more than one occasion but something had always been different about Spike.

He had loved without a soul for over a hundred years, loved Drusilla even though he knew she could never truly love him back. Spike had been loyal to her, looked after her and cared for her. He had saved her life even after she had repeatedly cheated on him with Angelus and countless others.

He had saved Buffy’s life, saved her from the grasps of Angelus, kept her friends and her family safe while she was in hospital, kept Sunnydale safe while she healed. Spike was unlike any other vampire she had ever met. He held her at night when she woke, screaming and crying in fear and pain….

Was he really evil?

Her head became dizzy with all the thoughts rushing around her mind. Buffy met Willows gaze with a blank stare, she had no answer to her question. With a small shrug and a desperate small smile, Buffy hoped Willow wasn’t going to push the subject.

“I’m going to get a refill, you want one?”

“I’m good,” she replied.

“I’ll be right back.” Buffy said, quickly heading for the bar.

Willow sighed in defeat, Buffy had avoided answering her question. She would let it go for now, the last thing she wanted to do was put Buffy in an uncomfortable situation, especially when they were all having so much fun. With a smile on her face, Willow made her way back onto the dance floor and into the arms of her boyfriend, Oz.

Buffy stood at the bar patiently waiting for her drink, once she had paid the bar tender she turned around intent on joining her friends on the dance floor when she was stopped dead in her tracks. She felt fear flood through her whole body at the person who stood right in front of her.

Her drink slipped from her grasp, Buffy didn’t even realize she had dropped it until she felt the icy cold liquid splash on her sandals and feet but still she was unable to will herself to move.

She was frozen, rooted in the one spot unable to move or speak. Her mind was screaming at her to do something, anything. Buffy felt her eyes glaze over as she scanned the club for her friends or anyone familiar but she saw no one…

She was alone, just like she had been that night.

Her whole body was hot with fear and panic and she hated it more than anything. She was the slayer, she shouldn’t feel like this and she hated that he had this power over her.

“Buffy,” he finally spoke, his voice was soft and loving and it only seemed to fuel the anger growing within her.

“What are you doing here?” She whispered, her voice angry and shaky and by the way he had flinched it was clear that he knew she didn’t want to see him.

“I’ve been coming here every night for the past month, hoping I would see you.”

“Why?”

“I wanted to explain…” Buffy was quick to stop him.

“I need to get back to my friends.” She said, moving past him as quickly as she could, praying that she would make it to the safety of her friends before he could make an attempt to stop her. Her prays fell on deaf ears.

Buffy made it to the stairs that blocked her view of her friends before he blocked her path, effectively cutting her off from her friends.

“Buffy, please I just want to explain.” He pleaded.

“Explain what? You raped and almost killed me. You really have words to explain that? Cause I don’t.” She replied, raising her voice feeling anger and rage boil through her. Slowly she felt the fear and the sadness that had been consuming her for the past couple of months start to force itself to the surface.

“I’m sorry…. But please, I need you to try to understand. I didn’t have a soul, I couldn’t control what Angelus did…. But I am so sorry for what he put you through.”

“You talk about him as if you’re two completely different people.” Buffy said, shaking her head as her brow creased in confusion.

“We are…. You used to be able to make that distinction,” Angel whispered, clearly hurt.

“I don’t know if I can anymore. I used to be able to draw a line between you and Angelus but now…” she sighed, trying to find the right words. “That line is just so blurred… Spike loved Drusilla for over a hundred years without a soul but you…” she took a shaky breath. “You couldn’t love me when you lost yours.” She said, finally looking him in the eyes

“Spike was obsessed with Drusilla…that’s not love, Buffy.”

“No, he would have done anything for her, killed for her, died for her. Spike would have done whatever it took so she didn’t have to feel a single ounce of pain… That’s love Angel, not obsession.” She corrected him, getting madder by the moment.

“How dare he! Acting like he truly knows Spike and how he really felt for Drusilla. How dare he judge Spike after what he just put me through.” Her mind screamed.

“Spike didn’t have a soul when he pulled you away from me that night. He didn’t have a soul when he rushed me to the hospital, which by the way saved my life! Spike didn’t have a soul when he took over patrolling for me so my body and mind had time to heal from what you did to me!” Buffy all but yelled, taking a much needed deep breath.

“Everything use to be so simple, black and white. Now everywhere I look I keep seeing shades of grey… I know you want me to draw a line between you and Angelus but… I can’t.” The last of her words came out in a mere whisper but it was still loud enough for Angels vampire hearing to pick up.

He looked so hurt and a part of her almost felt sorry for him but the memory of that night and what he had done to her pushed any feelings of guilt from her body.

“I can’t do this, you need to leave me alone.” Buffy sighed, making an attempt to move pass him and to get to her friends but when he clutched her arm to stop her from leaving, Buffy couldn’t stop herself from pulling her arm from his grasp.

She remember not to long ago to a time where she would long for his touch. Her skin would hum but now her blood ran cold, her heart rate sky rocketed and she shuddered all over at the feel of his skin on hers.

“Touch me again and I will kill you,” she hissed.

“You heard the lady, peaches,” Spike’s smug voice said. “Why don’t you just shove off.” It was more of a command than question and Buffy spun around at the sound of Spikes voice, relief flooding through her.

“Spike,” she whispered almost lovingly as he took a protective stance beside her.

“You okay, luv?” he asked, touching her hair gently.

“I am now,” she whispered, taking a deep breath before looking into Angel’s eyes, willing herself to have the courage she needed to say what needed to be said.

“I know your sorry for what happened and that you want forgiveness but I can’t give that to you right now… I need time to heal, to move past what you did to me and until that day comes… you need to stay away from me.” Buffy bravely informed him, moving past him and over to her friends.

This time he made no move to stop her, he only looked up at Spike.

“If you hurt her ill kill you,” Angel warned. Spike stopped himself from making a smart comment back like he normally would. He understand Angel’s warning, he was after all still technically a soulless vampire.

“If I wanted her dead I would have let her bleed out on the bathroom floor that night.”

“Why are you helping her?”


“Because I’m in love with her,” his mind answered, but he figured that was better left unsaid.

“Someone has too right?” he replied instead.

“I don’t know how to fix this,” Angel whispered, looking down, ashamed.

“You can’t.” Angel’s head shot up, his eyes starting to glaze over with unshed tears, he looked so weak and vulnerable that Spike felt a little sorry for him… but only a little “All you can do is give her what she needs. It’s not about you, it’s about her and what she needs…. Time.” Angel simply nodded before walking past Spike and out of the club.

With a sigh he headed over to where Buffy and her friends were now talking. He could hear them asking her a thousand questions about Angel and what he had said to her but mostly he could hear them apologizing for not coming to her aid.

“I’m so sorry Buffy, we didn’t even see him come in.” Willow said, her eyes pleading for forgiveness.

Spike was angry with himself, he had talked her into coming here tonight, reassured her she would be safe with her friends and when he had seen her cornered by Angel she had looked so terrified and alone. His eyes narrowed as he stormed over to them, they all looked up at his clearly angry face.

“And where in the bloody hell were all of you? You were meant to be looking after her, keeping her safe and I show up and find that Angel has her cornered and you’re all dancing. What were you thinking?” he growled.

“We didn’t see him.” Xander said meekly, he had learnt over the past two months that if Spike was mad it was best to let him get it out of his system.

“Clearly…” he was about to continue when Buffy stopped him.

“Hey, I’m not a child that needs sitting, Spike. I’m a grown woman, a slayer…”

“I know, I’m sorry luv, but you just looked so…scared.”

“I was but as you said, I can’t hide behind closed doors. I’ve got to face my demons.” Taking a deep breath, he realized she was right.

“Your right, I’m sorry.” The gang just smiled.

“Can you drive me home?” Buffy asked, smiling up at him.

“Buffy are you sure? You’ve only been here an hour.” Willow almost whined.

“I’m sorry, Will but I’m all partied out. Maybe another night?” They all smiled, saying their goodbyes as Buffy and Spike headed out into the night air.

“You want to talk about it, luv?”

“I was having such a good night and he ruined it. It makes me so mad that his presence can do that.” She said, shaking her head as her eyes welled up in tears. Spike stopped and turned to face her, wiping a tear from her cheek.

“Hey, its not always going to be like this. There will come a day when you can go out without having to worry about him showing up and ruining it for you. Even if he does show up it won’t ruin it for you, you won’t be afraid of him anymore. There will be a time, luv, when the nightmares will stop and it will all just be a distant memory, where you can put it all behind you and love someone again, trust them completely.” Buffy’s tears fells as she listened to his words, taking them in.

“Promise?” her voice begged.

“I promise.”

Buffy smiled and let out a silent prayer that he was right. Spike smiled and wiped the tears from her checks, praying that when she finally did start to love and trust again that he would be the man her affections went to. He wanted to be the man she could love completely.

With a small smile on her face, Buffy turned and started to walk home, Spike not to far behind her, a matching smile on his face.


Chapter End Notes:
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