Chapter 11:
Buffy was lying under the covers in the guest bedroom bed, wondering how she got this far, how did she manage to screw herself over.
‘This is my fault…ALL my fault…’ she thought to herself.
“But how could that be if Angel was the one who cheated?” she asked herself out loud.
‘Duhhhh, because he thought you had casual sex before and you didn’t tell him the truth, you didn’t speak up and tell him—‘
“Shut up!” she yelled at herself. “He cheated! Angel cheated!” Buffy beat her hands over the covers in frustration, “He is more at fault here! He was into this for years…sleeping around for years!” She let out a sigh, “Stupid brain…”
‘But it’s your fault that you got into this mess with Drusilla.’ Her brain pointed out.
“I thought I told you to shut up.” Buffy mumbled.
‘It’s not my fault that you’re going crazy, having a conversation with your subconscious.’
“Ya…” Buffy let out a sigh. “But I need someone to talk to…I certainly can’t talk to anyone else about this…”
‘How about William?’
“William…”
Buffy turned on her side and looked over at the nightstand, over at William’s folder. Her memory of his writings made her ache inside. Ache for him. Everything inside that folder seemed to sadden her, make her feel for the man that was living in a world where he didn’t have much to look forward to. Living in a world where he never was given the love he deserved.
‘He needs you Buffy…’ the little voice inside her head that was pestering her a few seconds ago said. ‘And you need him…’
“You’re right…”
*~*~*~*~*~*
In the light of day, William looked like any other ordinary guy. He really didn’t stand out from anyone else at the library, except for the fact that he was working behind the main desk and checking out books. He seemed less tense around the college students that came up and talked to him, asking for his help. William even displayed a little smile when a female student came up to him and asked him to look up something on the computer for her. Not one of these students probably knew that a man like him could be married to a woman like Drusilla, and that underneath his spectacles he was suffering. Probably most students thought he was unmarried and had no sex life at all; Buffy had to admit that he looked a little bit nerdy in his glasses. However, nerdy wasn’t necessary at turn off for her…
She stared at him from the side entrance, watching him move about behind the library desk and sort through books on a cart. For a minute Buffy thought she could just watch him, observe him from a far, and then leave—be sneaky enough to stay for a few minutes and then go. However, her skills of spying must be as good as her knowledge on the subject of swing parties.
As soon as William got the feeling that he was being watched he looked up and saw Buffy standing there. The book William was holding hit the floor with a thud when he saw her. A group of students studying at a nearby table, their heads snapped up when they heard the sudden noise throughout the silence of the library. They looked around before going back to work.
Buffy was unsure if she should go up to him or if she should wait for him to come to her. Thankful her feet had a mind of there own and made the decision for her to venture forward.
“Hi…” she said quietly once she reached his desk.
“Buffy…” his voice was much quieter than hers, it was barely audible.
She was not sure if he was more surprised that she was actually there to see him or that she had found him.
“How did you—“
”I went to your house first…” she kept her voice low, trying not to disturb other students, “Your maid said you work here.”
“Oh…” he nodded, still looking a little stunned and now a bit nervous.
“I can go if you want…”
”No!” his yelp was a little too loud. Both Buffy and William looked over when they noticed a bunch of students gave them the look that said ‘do you mind?!’
“Umm…”
William speed walked from behind his desk to stand in front of her, “Let’s go….go into the stacks.”
’Stacks?’ Buffy thought.
William grabbed Buffy’s hand without hesitation and dragged her off towards rows and rows of bookcases. Once they were deep within stacks of literature, William made a sharp turn down a narrow row and stopped near an empty study table that was hidden by all the bookcases.
“I was going to ask you what the stacks were but I guess I sort of got my answer.” Buffy said quietly.
William smiled, “You could easily get lost in this maze.” He nodded towards the bookcases.
“Seemed to go on forever…”
”Ya…”
William glanced down at his folder hugged between Buffy’s arms. She too looked down and then up at him.
“You didn’t need to mail it?” he whispered.
“No….”
“I told you to call me…”
”I know…but I felt like this was a face to face kind of thing…seems sort of impersonal over the phone.” She let out deep breath before going on, “I only read one page…”
“One…” he let his voice drift off. He frowned and looked a bit upset.
“William—“
”I knew I should have given them to you. They’re no good. Everything I do is never good enough and—“
Buffy dropped the folder down on the empty study table and grabbed a hold of his shoulders to make him stop rambling off.
“No….William…no….” she could barely get a word out.
“They should be burned to ashes….Dru was right I’m a failure at---“
Buffy grabbed a hold of his cheeks to make him listen to her, “Will you listen to me?!” she yelled in a desperate whisper.
Tears were gathered on the bottom of his eye lids, if he blinked Buffy was sure they were bound to give way.
“Listen to me…okay?” she asked gentle. “Okay?”
With Buffy’s hands still on his sharp cheekbones, William nodded.
“I only got through one page because I couldn’t take anymore…you’re work is amazing…but yet it still breaks my heart…”
“It—it broke your—“
“Yes…but not because it was bad or wasn’t any good. It just hurt to see someone write such mournful words…”
“I---I’m sorry?”
Even though Buffy was now getting a little teary eyed, laughed anyway. “Sorry for what? This isn’t your fault.”
“I didn’t want you to—“
“You don’t have to make up excuses…”
She let go of his face gently and stepped away from him.
“…don’t make up excuses for her.”
“I…I’m not—I won’t.” he corrected.
“Good…”
‘Tell him Buffy; you can’t keep thinking you’re the strong one here…tell him what you did.’
William picked up his folder from the table and tucked it under his arm. Buffy froze when he took it.
”Wait! I—I-you’re you’re taking it back?” she asked.
William took the folder out from under his arm and held it in front of him, “I thought you—“
”I want to read more…but I just need some time…I just didn’t want you to think they were no good because I didn’t call you…I just want more time.”
“Oh…” he handed her the folder back over. Buffy hugged to her chest and bit her lip.
“There is another reason I came here…” she started.
When William looked up at her he looked a little hopeful.
“It’s not good…”
His hope turned to fear.
“I…I spoke with your wife…”
“What?”
“I...I…I had to talk to her about Angel and…I’m sorry I didn’t mean for—“
”What about Angel, you said were done with him? That you were leaving him that--”
”Well I’m not, okay?!” she snapped.
There was a brief pause; Buffy couldn’t even look at him. She didn’t want to see him looking at her with shame, with disgust, and view her as a weak person.
“William I—“, when she glanced up she saw he was gone. Buffy turned her head down one of the narrow rows of the stacks and saw him moving quickly away from her.
“William!” she called, not caring that she was not using her library voice. “William!”
She raced after him, running desperately to get him. William turned and started down the main pathway toward the study lounge and his desk. When Buffy finally caught up with him, she raced in front of him and put her hands on his chest, trying to keep him from leaving.
“William please, please listen.” She pleaded when she saw he wasn’t looking at her and trying to walk around her.
Buffy fisted his shirt and tugged at it till he was looking at her, “Listen!!”
“Shhhh!!” an orchestra of students sang out from a group of tables.
Buffy turned around and glared at them. ‘What?!’ she thought
William yanked Buffy in between some bookcases and covered her mouth with his hand. “You want me to get in trouble?!” he yelled in a whisper.
Buffy shook her head.
“Then be quiet and go.” He said harshly. William took his hand off her mouth and started out; he got two steps away before he was being grabbed again by Buffy.
”No!” she yelled in a whisper. “Please listen to me…please…!”
“Why should I?” he turned around and snapped at her, “You lied to me…you said you—“
“Ya William, I said….I say a lot of things, but following through with them is a bit harder…”
He nodded, “Welcome to my world pet.”
William started off again but Buffy tugged him back, “No…please Will you need to listen to me…please…just—“ she cried.
When he stopped struggling to get away from her and noticed that she was crying, his heart broke on the spot.
“Please…” she sobbed, “I—I don’t know what to do…I—I have no one to talk to…I want to leave him---I do! I just don’t know how…I need help…I need someone to help me…because it’s too hard to do it alone…”
William knew exactly what she meant; he had been where she was now before. It seemed so long ago. He too had no one there for him, going to his friends and family seemed to be never an option for him. How could he explain this to his mother and father?
William reached out, pulled head gently into his chest, and hugged Buffy close to his body, petting her hair and rubbing her back. “Shhh…”
“Wh—why did he do this to me….?” Buffy cried into his shirt, “Why? Why did he lie to me?”
“Because he had the power to do so love…they knew we were weak…they seek out the weak, they feed off the weak to make themselves stronger.”
Buffy sniffed and looked up at William, “What about love?”
”They’re not like us Buffy…they take what they’ve been given for granted…”
Buffy didn’t want to believe that, but what other choice did she have? She got her facts straight, Drusilla told her who Angel really was…and yet, she still wanted him? How could this be? Was she that pitiful and clingy?
“We have to do something.” Buffy sniffed.
“What?”
‘Runaway?’ was the first thing that popped into her head, ‘Runaway and—oh god,’ then she remembered, ‘The party!!’