“Buffy?”
She could hear him calling her name, but she didn’t answer him, and she didn’t move from where she was stood. She was frozen.
“Buffy?” Spike whispered her name as he turned into the bathroom and found her standing unnervingly still in front of the mirror. She was staring at her own reflection. “Buffy, pet. What’s wrong?” he asked coming to stand behind her. He put his arms around her waist and attempted to pull her close to him.
“Don’t, Spike.” she said pulling away. She walked to the other side of the bathroom to put some distance between them and even though he turned to her she wouldn’t face him.
“Luv, you’ve got to tell me what’s wrong. You’re killing me here.”
She turned around then, saw the confusion in his face, and hated herself for being the cause of it. “I’m sorry, Spike….I…” Her words faulted as tears caught in her throat.
Spike saw her distress and it pained him. Despite the fact that his earlier attempts hadn’t been appreciated he reached to hold her once more, but this time she accepted, throwing herself into his arms.
He stroked her hair and hushed her as she cried. She clung to him and buried her head in his neck.
“Its okay.” he soothed, “It’ll be okay, pet. Just tell me what’s wrong.”
She froze in his embrace at his words, slowly pulling away. She looked afraid to speak, afraid to move. She was actually afraid of hurting him.
“Us, Spike.” she said eventually, “We’re what’s wrong. What we did.”
“Don’t say that, kitten.” he begged, searching her eyes, pleading with her, “Say anything but that.”
“I’m sorry Spike,” she whispered back to him, “Last night, it was…”
He shook her to stop her talking, “Don’t say it was a mistake, or that it was wrong, or…”
This time it was her turn to interrupt him, “I’m not Spike.” she said honestly, “Last night was so special, I’ve never…” she trailed off unable to look at him for a moment, and then she found her resolve again and continued, “but it was so intense. I wasn’t thinking at all, I was just doing.”
Spike looked back at her hard, unable to comprehend what she was saying.
Buffy yanked herself away from him and turned her back, incapable of finishing what she had started to his face. She took a breath and finally continued, “Then this morning, when you were kissing me, all I could do was think…All I could do was think about how we shouldn’t be doing this, and how I hate myself for doing this, for letting it get this far. I feel so guilty that I didn’t stop it, that I didn’t try to see reason.”
“Stop thinking so much.” he said with a confident tone, one that had her turn round to him in shock, wondering if he had been listening to her at all, it seemed he wasn’t going to take what she was saying on board.
“That’s your solution?” she asked him confused.
“I just don’t want you to drive yourself crazy over this.” he said stepping towards her and reaching to lay a hand on her shoulder and the other on her cheek.
“This?” Buffy repeated, raising her voice, “Do you know what this is, Spike?”
Spike kept silent not understanding where she was going next.
“Its incest.” she said bluntly, looking at him as if he was a complete naïve idiot.
“Don’t be bloody ridiculous!” he shouted, suddenly enraged at her accusation and her stupidity, not only at suggesting such a thing, but thinking he would accept it.
“You’re the one being ridiculous if you don’t see that this is wrong!” Buffy said now shouting back at him.
Spike turned his back on her trying to collect himself. He was quiet for a long time and Buffy’s heart was racing as she tried to guess what he would do next.
Eventually he spoke, evenly, calmly, but quietly, and Buffy had to move closer to hear him. “I don’t see it, Buffy. I don’t.” He turned around, “Nothing has ever felt so right to me.” He pulled her close into a hug and she melted in his arms, despite not wanting to.
“Spike.” She begged desperately for him to release her, both physically and emotionally, and understanding this without her having to say it he said no.
“Spike.”
“I said no, kitten. I won’t let you do this to me; to us.” He pulled back to look into her eyes, but he didn’t let her go far, keeping a firm grasp on her arms, “You can’t make this dirty or wrong, because it isn’t.” He looked from one of her eyes to the other making certain she saw how sure he was of what he was saying.
“We’re brother and sister.”
“You’re doing it again!” he said releasing her finally in frustration, “We’re not brother and sister! Not really, so this isn’t wrong! This isn’t inc…”
“Yes it is!” she cried, throwing her hands up in the air dramatically. “I think of you as a brother, Spike. Whether we’re related or not it’s still the same if I think of you that way.” She turned her head to the side, because she couldn’t look at him, stood there, wanting her, despite this whole thing.
“You don’t think of me as a brother. You haven’t for a long time.” he said stepping forward again, “And I don’t think of you as a sister.” At that her head shot up and she looked hurt, but his hand came out to stroke her jaw and his eyes softened in an attempt to make her understand him, “You’re so much more than that to me now.”
“It’s still not right. You can’t trick me into changing my mind.” She tried to sound firm, but her words trailed off towards the end.
“I don’t have to trick you.” he said cupping her face with both hands now. “You don’t think of me as a brother really do you?” She looked up at him and she could no longer keep up the lie, she lowered her head in answer that she didn’t, “So it’s not wrong to think of me this way instead.” he finished, moving his hands to hold her waist.
She glanced back at him, still angry that he was breaking down her argument, even though part of her determination to convince him was slipping anyway.
“Your logic, kitten.” he said in answer to her contempt. “You said if you think of me that way it’s wrong; that means if you don’t it isn’t.”
Her body sagged as she realised he was right; she quickly tried to think of something else to say.
Sensing this Spike spoke again before she had the chance to, “You’re just trying to think of reasons to stop this, because it’s what you really want.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.” she said pulling away once more, but only far enough so that he let go of her, she still kept close and challenged him to see if he really knew what she was doing, “Why would I do that?”
“I think you’re scared.” he answered reaching out to brush a piece of hair behind her ear.
“Of what?” she said longing to lean into his touch, and almost doing so.
“Of how you feel.” he almost whispered, “You’ve never felt this way…have you?”
She stared deeply into his eyes and felt her tears rise once more. She walked away from him, not knowing what else to do but run away, but he grabbed her desperately, spinning her round and drawing her body up against his.
“Have you?!” He demanded an answer this time.
“No.” she whispered.
He immediately crashed his lips into hers.
Buffy moaned as she felt his lips pull hers apart. Tilting her head she surrendered to him and got lost in his kiss.
He pulled back and searched her eyes, “Tell me.”
She knew what he wanted her to say, and this time there were no other thoughts to stop her telling the truth and give him what he wanted, “I’ve never felt this way.”
He rested his forehead onto hers, closing his eyes to ground himself as he contemplated how close he had come to losing her.
Buffy hated to see him struggling so much with his emotions and because of her. She didn’t want to toy with his heart, she couldn’t help how she felt or how scared she was, but she hated herself for it just the same. “I’m sorry, Spike. I…”
“Shhh.” he said stroking his hand through her hair, “There’s no shame in being scared and wanting to run from things, luv. The only shame is if you actually do run away from them.”
“I’m not going to run again.” she said putting her arms around him and bringing him closer to her so her head was buried in his neck, “I’m right here.”
“Me too.” he replied squeezing her tight.