“I cheated on her.” he said honestly.
“You what?” Buffy managed to gasp out.
“I…I cheated on her. It was a mistake…I just…”
“A mistake?” Buffy huffed, “That’s suppose to make it okay then?”
“No! God Buffy, no.” he said coming towards her with pleading eyes. He grabbed her by the shoulders, a little roughly, and startled her. He was obviously desperate for her to listen to him and so she did. She struggled a bit and eventually he got the message that he was hurting her, so he let go and took a few steps back. She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t leave, so Spike assumed she’d decided to hear him out.
“I had this friend called Anya, crazy chick she was, and she was engaged to this guy Xander that me and Dru both knew from college. I never liked him, but Anya was cool. She was a bit weird, but she spoke her mind, you know?…She would say what she wanted to, and I liked that about her…I mean, it’s rare you find someone who isn’t scared to…”
“Spike?” Buffy interrupted.
“Yeah?”
“Get on with it please.”
He hesitated; he really didn’t want to do this. He was already upsetting her. What would happen when he got to the meat of it? Then he realised he had no choice, Buffy would never let this go, so he might as well rip off the band aid as it were. “Well, me and Dru went to her and Xander’s wedding…trouble is Xander didn’t.”
“He stood her up?”
“At the altar…And she was heart broken.” He looked up, but Buffy’s face was blank so he continued, “Anyway, few days later I was at this bar looking for something to do, because Dru was out of town, and I saw her, so we had a couple of drinks and talked about how much of a whelp this Xander was. We had way, WAY too much to drink, and so I got her a cab and took her home, and she asked me inside and then…”
“I can fill in the blanks, Spike. Skip it.” she said more than a little annoyed.
He noted her jealousy and continued. “Well a few days later I went back round to hers to talk to her about it and…”
“You didn’t tell Dru?”
“Not then no, I thought…I don’t know…” he sighed deciding to give her the honesty he couldn’t give Dru. “I suppose I thought I could get away with it.” He heard Buffy huff again. He swore if she did that one more time.
Buffy turned away. “Typical guy. Only thinking about himself.”
“I didn’t want to lose her and…” Buffy eventually turned back to him, but he could see now that she was very angry. “I told her eventually, okay?” he said moving towards her once again, but she moved back and he became resigned to the fact the he’d have to continue before he earned the right to any proximity.
“So why did you tell her in the end then, if you’d decided not to?”
“Because…” he paused. This was it. She was going to go mad when she found out, and he didn’t know what he could say in his defence. This was the final nail in the coffin. “Because when I went back to talk to her…it happened again.”
Buffy could see the guilt written all over his face, but she didn’t care for his guilt. “That’s it? That’s really why you broke up? Because you just can’t keep your dick in your pants?!” she screamed.
“Buffy…”
“No, don’t say anything to me!” she shouted. “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this!”
“I didn’t have to tell you, Buffy.”
“What?” she spat out in disbelief.
“This is between me and Dru, and she’s forgiven me. That’s why we met up last month, so she could tell me that she’d forgiven me.”
She just stared at him not knowing what to say to that.
“I’m just saying I didn’t have to tell you, but I told you because I don’t want to keep things from you, like I did with her. I don’t want to mess this up. I want to always be honest with you.” he confessed, pouring his heart out.
Buffy was in a rage, his pleas for understanding falling on deaf ears. “How can I trust you, or anything you say, after I find out all you’ve done in the past is lie?” She paused, she was angry, confused. Her thoughts were muddled, she was hurt and she didn’t fully understand why. She shocked him when she finally asked, “Is that what it is with me?”
Spike blinked in confusion, and he was hurt at what she was implying. What did she think he was?
When he didn’t answer she pressed more firmly. “Are you sleeping with me, just because you can’t control yourself?” He still didn’t say anything. “Tell me!” she yelled, “Am I just convenient, like Anya was when Dru wasn’t there?...Admit it, you weren’t at that bar looking for something to do while Dru was away. You were looking for someone to do!...Do I have to worry about the nights you’re out, or I’m away, or working?”
“No, Buffy.” he said rushing over to her and trying to grab her hands or her waist, but she didn’t want to let him touch her right now. “It’s not like that at all. I can’t keep away from you. I’ve tried, but I’m so attracted to you. I can’t help myself, but I swear that’s not all it is. I feel so much for you, more than I ever did for Dru…I wish I could show you how much I…” He suddenly trailed off and then abruptly trapped her in a fierce kiss.
Buffy pulled back straight away and slapped him harshly, and she could tell immediately that he was angry at her now, but she didn’t care, because she was just as angry. He didn’t turn his head back to her for a long time, when he did she slapped him again, and this time she saw blood at the corner of his mouth. He lifted his head up, but not to look at her and he licked the blood away.
Neither of them spoke for a long time, but neither of them was getting any calmer. Buffy was infuriated, her breathing harsh, and Spike was blinded by the stinging pain in his cheek.
“You men, you’re all the same.” she spat out under her breath.
He didn’t know what was wrong with him, but his emotions were calling the shots. He was hurt by Buffy’s rejection of him, and her unwillingness to see beyond his past actions; he was angry from her assault, and he was filled with adrenaline from the slap and the blood he could taste in his mouth. All the emotions were confusing, but they all made him strive for one thing. He wanted to hurt the girl. Like she’d hurt him.
“Huh.” he laughed out harshly, “How would you know? I’m the only man you’ve ever had.”
Buffy frowned, taking a step back only for him to take another forward to close the space again.
“Is that what’s really bothering you?” he asked, knowing he was wrong, but trying to bait her. “You’re angry ‘cause you found out I’d been with more people than you thought?”
“No.” she said, “I always knew what you were like.”
Normally he would have defended himself, but he was too mad at her. He wanted to say nasty things to her, he wanted to hurt her, embarrass her. Instead of trying to prove that he was a good man, he did the exact opposite. “You should be glad I’ve been with so many women, Buffy. It’s the reason I can give it to you so good.” he said snidely.
“How do I know you’re any good?” Buffy offered, “After all, like you said, you’re the only man I’ve ever had.”
“The only man you’re ever going to have.” he corrected her.
“We’ll see about that.” she snapped turning around to storm out.
He grabbed her wrist so violently that she whimpered, then he yanked her back to him. With that he forced her against the wall and was kissing her so harshly she couldn’t breathe, or think. He started grabbing at her skirt, trying to pull it up. She was trying to fight him off, trying to push his body away, trying to pull his head away, trying to put her skirt back down and move his hands all at the same time, and she couldn’t fight him off fast enough.
His hands crept beneath her skirt and pushed her panties aside and then his fingers were inside her. She cried out, and he lifted her up, hooking her legs around his waist. He began to finger her at a slow but unforgiving pace, pushing her to that place, showing her what he could do for her, why he was the only one for her.
“Please.” He heard her say when he released her lips.
“Please what, baby?” he asked panting into her shoulder. He was fucking drunk on her again, it was those sodding noises she made. They were magical.
“Don’t.” she gasped, as his fingers continued their sweet torture to a faster rhythm.
“Don’t?” he questioned her meaning, at the same time reaching to brush over her clit roughly with his thumb.
“Ah!” she screamed shocked.
“Do you really want me to stop, Buffy?” he said pushing his fingers in very slowly, searching for that spot inside her. He found it, rubbed it gently, and she grabbed hold of his arms in desperation. “Do you want me to stop, when you know I can take you higher…make you see stars…baby. Do you?” She still didn’t answer him, she had her eyes closed, so he withdrew his fingers and tilted her head up, which made her open her eyes and look at him. “Do you want me to stop?” he whispered seriously.
She shook her head, and he took her where he promised to, and she saw stars.
Afterwards she sat on the floor, up against the same wall where it had happened, her head in her hands, tears down her face. She felt betrayed by her own body. She had wanted him to stop, but she couldn’t refuse him in the end, and as much as she hated him for exploiting that fact, she hated herself more for being that way in the first place, for being so weak. Why couldn’t she have been strong and said ‘No’? She felt wrong inside, and so did he. And that’s when it hit him. They were brother and sister. Maybe he had been wrong? They were. And they couldn’t escape it.