Buffy was outside, almost bent over double. She felt sick, she felt panicked, and she felt like she had no where to run to.
She stumbled bewildered onto the street outside the club exit, but didn’t think she could walk much further without calming herself down. The cold night air pinched at her cheeks painfully, but her face felt flushed and on fire.
She heard heavy footsteps behind her come to a screeching stop, as if whoever it was had been chasing someone and suddenly found them. Then she realised they’d probably just found her. She’d told Riley she had to go and had ran outside before he had the chance to say anything, so she should have expected him to not listen and follow her out. She turned around to tell him she was okay, and found someone completely different.
Spike was stood there, out of breath and panting. His eyes were just as blue as she remembered; his hair just as blonde. There was something different, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. Maybe he seemed older, or more confident, she didn’t know for sure. Her eyes took him in, she watched his firm chest rise and fall with his laboured breathing, and longed to be pressed against him to give her strength.
Without thinking she ran to him and threw herself into his arms, tears falling down as the relief poured through her. Seeing him up there on the stage, meeting his gaze, she’d panicked, but now she felt like she’d found whatever had been missing from her heart these past weeks. Then her body stiffened with the realisation of her mixed emotions, and she understood she’d been wrong to do what she’d just done. She knew her thoughtlessness would hurt them both in the end.
It felt so right to have her in his arms again, even though he’d been trying to convince himself since he’d left that this sort of thing was wrong. But before Spike knew what was happening she was pulling herself away.
She moved what she thought was a fair distance from him, but both felt it wedge between them like a canyon, and she looked away ashamed of herself. “I’m so sorry, Spike. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“What are you doing here, Buffy?” he gasped out in slight awe.
The fact he’d used her name and not a term of endearment hurt her a little more than she’d like to admit. “I was just here.” she said dumbstruck.
Spike grew annoyed suddenly at her noncommittal response; his emotions were flipping rapidly from one extreme to another. “You must have had a reason.”
“I…”
“Here to mess with my head?” he suggested lightly before she had time to finish.
“No!” she insisted.
“Then why are you here?” he asked.
Buffy was lost for words, his sudden change of demeanour had left her temporarily bewildered.
“To make me jealous?”
“I’m not trying to do anything like that!”
He took a step forward, “Well what the fuck do you call showing up at my gig draped all over some other guy?!” he snapped. His raised voice shocked her a little and he saw it in her eyes, but at that moment in time he didn’t care if he’d scared her. He was too angry about before and how she’d thrown herself at him, only to pull back just when he’d accepted it. It made him wonder what else she would do in order to mess with his head.
She didn’t let the fear stop her from quickly jumping in, “I didn’t know you’d be here! Faith told me you got fired, I was sure I wouldn’t see you here again.” She tried desperately to explain to him she had no hurtful motive, and then added, “And me and Riley didn’t come here together.”
“Like hell you didn’t.” he replied sarcastically.
“We didn’t, Spike!” she cried, finding it astonishing that he thought she was lying to his face.
Spike’s tone turned from angry to cocky, as if he was sure of himself and his suspicions, despite her repeated denials, “Well you seemed awfully friendly with him.”
Buffy paused confused, “Well, we’re friends.”
“Friends my ass.” he accused.
Now she’d had it with him, “Shut up!”
Spike stood there stunned.
“For one I didn’t know this was your fucking gig. Two it is none, I repeat NONE of your business who I go out with, or who I decide to ‘drape’ myself over. You left me remember?” She sucked in a much needed breath after her short rant was over.
“So you admit it!” Spike said not missing a trick, “You were draped all over him!”
“No, I don’t admit anything!”
“Come on,” he drawled, “you were practically ready to jump each other’s bones right there.”
“We were not!” she shrieked.
“Were too!” he shouted, “And while we’re on it, why did you bring him here in the first place?...Was coming here some kind of perverted turn on? Some kind of foreplay?...Check out your old fuck before you have the next?”
“You sick bastard.” she spat back at him.
“Me?” he asked bemused, pointing to himself before pointing towards the club, “I’m not the one that was fornicating with someone in a public place just to get you jealous.”
“Fornicating?” she repeated, taken aback at the implication, “There was no fornication! What the hell where you watching?! All we did was talk. We were barely even stood next to each other.”
“Doesn’t matter.” he said as if he was beyond falsification, “I’m not stupid. I knew what was going on between you two.” He paused, looking at her and finding her shaking her head in disbelief. Still sure she was hiding something he decided to push her again, “Or at least what’d go on later…I could practically see your panties getting wet.”
“Who the fuck do you think you are?!” she said clenching her fist at her side to stop herself from stepping forward and slapping him. She didn’t want to ever strike him again after what happened the last time.
“I don’t know who I am anymore, Buffy!” he yelled desperately, “Don’t you get that?! Don’t you see?” He brought both his hands up to drag his fingers through his hair in frustration, “That’s why I fucking left, isn’t it?!”
Buffy stepped forward aggressively, “I don’t know why you left, Spike. All I found was you gone!”
He opened his mouth to speak, and then hesitated. His voice came out as a regretful sigh, “I left a note.”
Buffy gave him a bitter smirk, “And that made all the difference.”
Spike looked at her with pleading eyes, “What would you have had me do, Buffy?” he asked franticly, “After what I did?” He choked on that sentence as the memory came back, and he had to stop.
Neither of them said anything for a long time as they both stared at one another, but Buffy eventually broke the silence, “Nothings going on with me and Riley. I… We’re…” she trailed off, “I’m not ready for that yet…He respects that. He’s not even waiting round to see if I change my mind, he’s really giving me time, we’re just friends… probably always will be just friends.”
Spike tried not to show his relief, his heart was still beating anxiously fast in his chest. He sighed and whispered, “Why didn’t you just explain it that way before, pet?”
Buffy said the next sentence sadly, and regretfully, “Because it still isn’t any of your business, Spike. That bit was true. I shouldn’t have had to explain anything.”
He looked down at the ground then and nodded.
“Just do me a favour will you?” she whispered, almost ready to cry.
Spike stepped forward and reached out his hand to hold her face, she turned her cheek into his palm. Upon hearing the sadness in her voice his body betrayed him, and all he wanted to do was look after her and do whatever she wanted.
“Anything, pet.” he breathed out, “Anything for you.”
Her emerald eyes became glossy with tears, and she gasped out her wish, “Go back inside.” She closed her eyes, accidentally forcing out a first, single tear that had been resting on her lashes. She begged, “Please.”
“Luv…” he protested, brushing away the tear with his thumb.
“Please,” she said opening her eyes and looking up at him once again, “I don’t want to…Spike, I can’t…” She wanted to say she couldn’t cry in front of him, that she didn’t want to go through all this again, go through the loss and the pain, but more than that, she wanted to have him understand, so that she wouldn’t have to say it at all. And he did, because he felt exactly the same. He nodded, stroked her cheek once more and turned away.
He walked slowly back inside, shoulders tense as if fighting his body’s urge to turn back to her.
When he disappeared into the dark tunnel of the doorway Buffy’s whole world fell apart. Her body felt suddenly pulled downwards by a menacing force and she was racked with sobs.
She turned away.
“B!” Faith called from the doorway, “I’m so sorry about…everything.” she said running out onto the street, relieved Buffy was still around so she could apologise. She stopped in her tracks reaching her side when she saw Buffy’s face. “B, what happened?”
She didn’t even turn her head, all she whispered was, “Will you take me home?”