“Hi, luv.” he said softly. It was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do turning up and actually having the balls to come and say those two words to her, any two words to her, but to her ears it came out as smooth as silk and that threw her further off her game.
“Can I come in?” Even as he asked he took a step closer, but Buffy panicked and moved back fearfully to maintain the same distance they had had before. He understood what that meant and stepped back into the hallway mumbling a defeated apology. Immediately his confidence retreated.
“What the hell are you doing here, Spike?” she asked finally finding her voice.
For a moment he was shocked that she didn’t already know, but he realised he hadn’t been exactly consistent with his feelings up until now, so how could she. “Buffy…I want you back, pet. I want to come home.”
She was speechless again, a wave of emotions tugged at her insides when his words finally got through to her and she glanced down to see the oversized sports bag in his hand.
He followed her eye line and shot a look back at her, “It’s not what it looks like, Buffy.” he said realising and moving the bag around his back, then dropping it in the corner of the hall out of sight. He held up his now free hand in reassurance, “I didn’t mean it like that, luv. I just meant I wanted to come back…here…I mean to you…to talk…God!” he said frustrated, his head turning to the side, “I’m buggering this up already.”
Buffy watched his display nervously without saying a word.
Eventually he pulled himself together and sighed, “I just wanted to come here and put some things right, luv. That’s what I’m here for.”
Buffy seemed to be thinking over what he’d said, but she was taking too long and it made Spike fear that she was going to refuse him, “Please.” he begged, attempting to step forwards again, but Buffy held a hand up to stop him.
“Wait.” she said firmly.
“Luv?”
“Please don’t call me that, Spike.” she whispered, closing her eyes, surprised at how much hearing that word hurt.
“It’s what I always call you.” he defended.
“You don’t get to call me that anymore… I’m not your love,” she said, “I’m not your anything.”
He screwed his eyes shut; trying to shield himself from the blow she’d just given him.
After all this time and all that had happened between them she still hated to see him in pain. She hated that she’d caused that pain with her choice of words. “I’m sorry, Spike,” she said to bring him back to her, “but I think you should go.”
His stomach flipped when she said his name, but he was determined not to give in, as she attempted to shut the door on him he reached out and held it open.
He could see although he’d try to be gentle that he’d startled her because she wasn’t expecting it. He hadn’t wanted to come and scare her, he never wanted to frighten her again; the very thought of doing that made him sick to his stomach. Her reaction also made him sad that she thought he would leave just like that, he regretted the fact that his past actions had caused her to think he would give up on her so easily. He was going to prove different.
“I’m not going anywhere, Buffy. I need to talk to you. I have things to say, I have things to apologise for.”
“Like what?” she asked.
He just stared at her. “Don’t you think we have anything to talk about?” He could see fear in her eyes, but thankfully he knew it was no longer because of him, it was something within herself that she was scared of.
“We do,” she admitted, “but that doesn’t mean I’m ready.”
“Will you ever be?” he asked sincerely.
“Maybe not.” she answered.
“I can’t risk that.” he said, “I can’t risk losing you. I think you’re scared, Buffy, but so am I.” He finally removed his palm from the door and cupped her cheek. “I’m scared of so many things, but nothing even comes close to how scared I am of losing you.”
She had to fight to stop from leaning into his touch, she felt like an alcoholic being tempted to fall off the wagon, because his touch was certainly her addiction.
“You say that like there’s still something between us.” she said looking up into his eyes.
“Isn’t there?” he asked hopefully, but when she removed his hand from her face he became worried.
Hanging her head trying to avoid his eyes she answered, “You abandoned me, Spike. You haven’t lost me, you let me go.” she said dejectedly, hating how vulnerable she sounded confessing that, but he had abandoned her, left her all alone, and she still didn’t understand how he could have done that to her. “I’ll admit I pushed you; I was scared you’d leave me so I tested you. But when I pushed, you jumped.” She paused, “One minute no one else was ever going to have me, because you wanted me so badly, and the next you were running out the door. You built me up to think I belonged to you, belonged with you, and then you deserted me. Suddenly you didn’t want me anymore.”
“No, luv…I did, but…” he jumped in straight away, but he stumbled over his words, “I wanted you, so much, I still do. I didn’t want you to be with anyone else.” he said desperately, “It cut me up inside to think about you with anyone else.” He tried to reign in his jealousy so he could get his point across, “but I thought you wouldn’t want to see me after what happened. I thought you’d think I was a monster, that you were better off without me…I thought it was what was best.”
“That’s the point, Spike.” she sighed angrily, “It’s what you thought, what you thought was best. You never asked me what I thought, what I really wanted.”
He opened his mouth to argue, but not only couldn’t he, because what she was saying was true, he also didn’t want to. It hurt him to stand here and shout at her; have her shout at him, after everything. So instead he fought down the part of him that wanted to have his say and decided she was right, he’d never listened to what she wanted, what she needed, and that’s the one thing he’d been obsessing over since England, whether what she wanted was him or if it came close to involving him.
After standing in silence for a while the air between them felt noticeably thinner, so he summoned his courage and heart in his throat dared to ask, “What do you want, Buffy?”
“I want…”
He held his breath while he waited for her to answer.
“I want you to go, Spike.” She hung her head again. “I just want you to go.”
With that she closed the door in his face and locked it so he couldn’t get in.
Spike’s heart sank at the thought she wouldn’t even hear him out. He didn’t really know what he wanted to say or even could say to her, but he knew he needed her to talk to him. He couldn’t leave things this way, and he couldn’t face the fact that she didn’t want to see him. He grabbed the handle of the door to test the lock, but all it did was make a loud rattling noise and didn’t budge.
He felt pain through his chest, panic; he didn’t know what to do. As much as he knew it could go this way, he hadn’t planned for it, hadn’t planned for anything. He listened, but he couldn’t hear any movement inside the apartment.
He felt defeated and turned to lean back against the door. He looked up to the ceiling and felt his body suddenly become too heavy for him to keep upright. He let himself go gently and didn’t realise what he was doing until he found himself sat on the floor.
She heard him shake the handle of the front door and her heart raced, she heard him turn, but instead of walking away it sounded like he slid down the door as if giving in, and then her heart broke for him. She hadn’t moved from her spot on the other side since she’d shut him out. She was stuck fast; an aching in the pit of her stomach seemed to make it impossible to leave.
She rested her head on the door and held her breath as if it would do something to calm her body. All the emotions she’d forgotten were suddenly surging through her once again, every single one of them returning when she saw his face. And she knew then and there that it would always be that way. She’d see him or run into him, she’d hear his name or she’d think about him, and this is how she’d feel. Forever.
“Buffy, please just let me talk to you!” he suddenly yelled into the corridor, hoping she’d hear. “Please!”
He thought he heard movement, but then everything went quiet again. He was not going to give up though, not now he’d come so far.
“Buffy, please let me in, pet. I know you don’t want to see me, but we have to talk. We just have to…I…” he stopped with a sigh. “Buffy I know I don’t deserve you, but I love you. I just want you to hear what I’ve got to say.” He slowly got to his feet and rested his forehead against the wood, unbeknown to him mirroring her posture on the other side, “Please, Buffy…Just 10minutes.”
He waited, for what seemed like forever. Then eventually he heard her unlock and he saw her in front of him once more.
She didn’t say anything. She just turned away from him and walked into the living room, leaving the door open.
He took a deep breath before picking up his bag, stepping inside and closing the door behind him.