As he looked around the apartment they used to share he noticed that not much had changed, however he didn’t feel like he belonged anymore, and that feeling made him nervous. He was determined she had to know how he felt, even if nothing came of it, but the way she had made him wait pleading against the door, the way the awkwardness hung in the air, and the way she refused to look at him right now were making him feel that outcome was more likely than he had previously thought.
He was sat on the couch, he’d hoped in moving to the edge she’d have sat beside him, or at least at the other end, but she’d bypassed the sofa altogether and sat in the chair furthest away. It was another blow, but he didn’t want to rush her, so if she felt safer there while they talked then so be it. At least she’d let him inside her apartment. Now was the tricky part, letting him in further.
“The place looks good.” he said trying to make small talk. Whether to relax her or himself he wasn’t completely sure; probably the latter.
She nodded, looking around indifferently. “Still the same as ever.” she said, “Not here much, so I haven’t done anything with it.”
“Still working all the hours God sends at the diner?” he asked presumptuously.
“I’m working at a newspaper now.” she replied. She didn’t want to sound like she was showing off, but the pride she felt about her new job slipped out when she went to correct his assumption. She wasn’t sorry for it. But she wondered if he’d taken it the wrong way.
He smiled. “I’m happy for you.” he said honestly, straight away resolving her fears. He paused and then asked, “That is if it’s going well?”
“Yeah, I love it there.”
She smiled to herself and it made Spike miss the times she’d smiled at him. He wondered if she’d ever let herself smile for him again.
“They’ve made it pretty clear that I can have a fulltime job there once I graduate.” she continued, “Only as an assistant, but…”
“But it’s a step in the right direction.” he finished.
She tried not to smile, because she didn’t want to let her emotions show.
A long silence passed between them, until Buffy couldn’t take it any longer. “Are you going to say it?”
“Say what, luv?”
“Whatever it is you came here to say.” she answered frankly.
“I’m just…” he paused, swallowing down the fear in his belly, “I’m trying to work myself up to it.”
She moved her head subtly, but it looked like a nod of acceptance to Spike, signalling she was going to give him time.
He looked at the clock on the wall; it was 1 o’clock in the morning. He hadn’t even realised. Even though Buffy seemed to be wide awake he suddenly felt bad for turning up in the middle of the night unannounced. He felt inconsiderate. “I’m sorry, pet. I didn’t realise the time. Should have waited ‘til the morning.”
“What?” she said, either not having heard him or not expecting him to say what he had.
“I said sorry it’s so late.” he paraphrased. “I didn’t realise. I just came straight from the airport. I wasn’t really thinking. I just knew I had to come here.”
Her eyes asked him why, but she said nothing. She was still waiting for him to start in his own time.
“I was in England longer than I thought I would be, so…I apologise for that. I would have written again, but I didn’t think that was the best way.” He looked up. “It wasn’t, was it?”
And she knew what he was asking; he wasn’t asking whether he should have written her from England, he was asking her if he’d done the right thing in writing to her before he left; hinting that he already knew the answer. “No.” she whispered.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” He looked down at his hands and shut his eyes, “But I was too much of a coward to come and see you...” He seemed to shake it off, trying desperately to get back on track, “But I’m not like that anymore. I knew I shouldn’t send you another letter, I knew I had to come and see you face to face…but the tour was going really well, and the other guys wanted to stay.”
Buffy continued to listen without interrupting.
“I didn’t though, Buffy.” he said dejectedly, “No matter how well it was going, I didn’t want to stay there.”
She wondered if he was just trying to make her feel better, but she could see genuine regret on his face as he spoke.
“But you always wanted to go to England.” she said finally speaking up.
He looked surprised that she’d spoken, but then he quickly went to answer her, “England was great, just how I’d imagined it. But you weren’t there,” he said smiling sadly, “so it was unbearable.”
She had no idea how to respond to that. She sat there in shock; unable to muster the happiness that sentence would have given her if she’d heard it a few months ago. She just felt numb.
“Okay, I’m just going to say it.” he said after taking a deep breath, “I missed you. I’ve missed everything about you.”
“I’ve got some things I need to tell you.” he confessed, “I need to tell you how I feel, what I’ve done with myself lately. I’m a different person now, Buffy. I’m gonna to tell you some things, and I need you to listen. I know I don’t deserve to be heard out, but I really hope you can do that for me.”
She nodded again still not giving him much, but all he’d asked was for her to listen, so even that small gesture meant the world to him right now, and it went some way into relaxing him enough to think about how he would start.
“I’ve changed, Buffy. I really have changed. I’m controlling my anger. I was seeing someone about it, a shrink I guess, before I left for England, I want to carry on seeing them. It’s really helping.” he said looking over at her to gauge her reaction, she wasn’t looking at him, but she was clearly taking everything in and thinking it over, which he was thankful for, “I should have started as soon as I left, but to be honest then I wasn’t up to facing much of anything I needed to face.” his small admission gave her the slightest insight into what he’d been through those weeks they were initially apart, he knew he’d eventually have to tell her what kind of a mess he’d got himself into, but it wasn’t the time for self pitying, “But when I saw you again at the Bronze, with that guy...”
She looked up then, thinking about Riley, about how good he’d been to her these past few months, about how close they were as friends, and how he was an important part of her life now, even though things had changed and now neither of them had romantic feelings for each other. She thought about him and agonised over what Spike was going to say.
“I knew I needed to get help.” he finished, “I was such a bastard to you that night.”
She hadn’t expected that. She’d expected a long speech about how sorry he was, that he’d acted crazy yes, but followed by how his jealousy meant he couldn’t help it.
“I shouldn’t have acted that way. It was wrong. There’s so many reasons why it was wrong.”
“Like?” she butted in.
“You testing me, Summers?” he asked almost wanting to smile.
“Maybe.” she said calmly, “I think I have the right.”
Spike couldn’t argue with that. After all he was here to explain that he finally knew what he’d done was wrong, so he answered her, “I should have realised it wasn’t my business I guess. Like you said, I left you; I had no right to get mad about you and him.”
She went to defend herself again, but he spoke before she could.
“And I know what you’re gonna say, luv. And that’s another thing.” he said, understanding what she would have jumped in with. “I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions either.” he sighed, “Double edged sword or whatever, I shouldn’t have thought you cared so little that you would have moved on to the next guy so fast, and I also should have left you to it if that’s what you wanted to do.”
She sat quietly, and he took that to mean she was satisfied with his answer.
“But I have changed, pet.” he said sincerely.
“I know I was to blame for what happened that night, Spike. I shouldn’t have run to you and then pulled away.” Buffy said almost ignoring his admission to get her own out, “I know that upset you. I knew it was wrong of me, but I was confused. I never expected you to react like that, and to say those things to me. Your jealousy…it frightened me. Just like the other time, you suddenly going crazy…I didn’t think you were capable of that.”
“I know, Buffy, neither did I,” he insisted, “but I wouldn’t ever do that again. I’ve really changed.”
“I’ve changed too, Spike.”
“I know.” he replied.
“How could you know?” she said sadly, “You haven’t been here to see it.”
That stung, really stung, but he let it go. He deserved that, it was the truth. “I meant I knew you would.”
Buffy looked at him with questioning eyes, and he didn’t need to be told she wanted a better explanation than that.
“I hoped you’d change, luv. You weren’t happy, I mean with me I think you were, like I was happy with you, but we were so similar, Buffy. Neither of us was happy with ourselves.” he said regretfully. “So no wonder it all got so messed up.”
She kept quiet, because it was true, because it was hard to hear, because she didn’t know what to say back.
“God, I’m just gonna be a dick and say it, bluntly and honesty. No romance, no pretence. I’m just gonna tell you why I’m here.”
She waited.
“I’m happy with who I am now, Buffy. I’ve done all the things I’ve ever wanted. I’ve got my life on track, and finally have a meaningful future…for me.” He made sure she was looking at him before he finished, “Now all that’s missing is that one person I want to share it all with. That’s you. That’s always been you...You’re the one, Buffy.”
“Spike, I…”
“I’m not asking for you to forgive me right here and now, I’m not saying there isn’t other things we need to talk about. But I just gotta know something, because when I realised all the things I’d been missing, when I saw all the pieces of my life falling into place, when I found out who I truly was I knew who I wanted to be with. I could finally trust in my feelings, and I knew that I loved you, and I will always want to be with you. And what I think is you’ve made the same changes, you’ve crossed the same bridges and made up for what you thought were your failings, so maybe you’re ready to think about that too.”
“I love you, Buffy.” he declared, as if it was the easiest thing in the world to admit, the next part wasn’t so easy, “But I need to know...”
She looked up at him, and he waited until her eyes met his.
He sat there, honest and serious and heart open, and asked her if she felt the same.