He woke up, smelling bacon. He figured Buffy must have been making breakfast, and once he’d said her name in his head then the events of the previous evening flooded back. He also remembered Buffy saying she was off all day. What the hell was he going to do? Despite his intention of getting to the bottom of his actions he had in fact spent the whole night trying not to think about what happened. He thought maybe he could just avoid it, avoid probing deeper into why he did what he did.
He got up and put on some sweats. He brushed a hand through his hair to calm it a bit and then walked into the hallway. Turning into the kitchen he braced himself for what was to come, praying that perhaps she was planning to ignore it all as well. He hoped she was. When he came in Buffy turned from the hob and he froze in his tracks waiting for her to say something.
She hesitated and then spoke. “Spike, we need to talk.”
That’d be a no on the avoiding then, he thought to himself.
“About what, pet?” he asked pulling a chair out and sitting down. He folded his arms on the table top in front of him but didn’t look at her until she caught his attention.
“Don’t do that?” she said walking towards him holding a spatula.
“Do what, pet?”
“The guy thing…the avoidy…avoidance thing! Where you conveniently forget anything’s happened!” She was now waving the spatula at him. She was frustrated, but not really angry.
“You wanna put that down, luv?” he asked gesturing to the item she was pointing at him, “You’re making me uncomfortable.”
She sighed and put it down. “Look, Spike…I know you probably don’t want to talk about this, believe me, neither do I, but we need to.”
Spike sighed, but it signalled his acceptance and when he did Buffy pulled out the chair in front of her and sat with him at the table. She sat nervously wringing her hands in her lap so he couldn’t see, but he knew she was fidgeting, and he knew why. He knew she was waiting for him to say something, because she had pushed herself to the edge of her bravery in just broaching the subject. Now he had to help her a bit.
“I don’t know what to say Buffy…I…” he stumbled for the words, and found he couldn’t even look at her. “I’m sorry.”
“I think I was looking for a little more than an apology, Spike.” she spoke up, honestly.
“What else do you want, pet?”
“An explanation would be nice.” she said, eyes now fixed on him.
“I wish I could explain myself, Buffy…but I…I don’t know why that happened…You, you know fell on me, were close up to me…and well.” He stopped when he saw Buffy was blushing. He looked away and started again, “I reacted like…well naturally.” He paused again, feeling like a bloody school boy and hating himself. “Look Buffy I was, you know, and you were there and then…It seemed like a good idea at the time…and now…”
“And now?” she asked, for some reason fearing his answer.
He looked up at her desperately seeking some kind of forgiveness from her. “And now I realise how bloody wrong it was love.” He grabbed her hands, which she now had laid in front of her. He squeezed them. “I just think I’m a bit of a mess still…from Dru. And seeing her yesterday…”
“It’s okay.” She interrupted him quickly, her gut twisting at the mention of Dru’s name. “I understand…If that’s all it was…”
“It was.” he clarified, even though he didn’t know why he’d said it. He didn’t know why he’d made that excuse, he knew it wasn’t true. He couldn’t say he didn’t miss Dru, or having a girlfriend in general, but the relationship was over and he knew it was for the best. Also it had been his only long term relationship by choice, because he enjoyed being single, in fact most of the time he preferred it. So he wasn’t heartbroken about him and Dru finishing. The only thing he felt was guilt, guilt for hurting Dru like he did. She’d never take him back, but he’d made his peace with that. It was his own fault; he couldn’t blame Dru for ending it, and he didn’t want her back. Seeing her the other day had brought back good memories, but also showed him she was better off without him, and so far things had been good for him too…until now; until he’d kissed his little sister. Oh God I’m so sick. I should be locked up.
Buffy was nervous that he hadn’t said anything for a long time. She worried that he was waiting for his own explanation, unaware he was actually just caught up in his thoughts. “I just…” His attention focused back on her when she spoke up, and that made her even more nervous. “I mean, well last night…I was…”
“You don’t have to explain, kitten.” he reassured her, “You were…We both were just acting naturally. You were just responding. I started it, and like I said it’s because I’m still in a bad place over Dru.”
She nodded in understanding, believing the lie. “Well then we don’t need to talk about it again.” She gave him a warm smile and he released her hands as she made to stand up. She walked out of the kitchen to her room to get changed.
When she’d gone Spike felt his hands lacking, as if he missed holding her. He sighed and pressed his forehead down on the table in frustration. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. Now not only was he confused at why he’d kissed her - and god knows would have done more to her if she hadn’t have stopped him - he also couldn’t understand why he’d lied to Buffy about his reasons. He wished he knew why he’d done it, but the only thing he knew was that he had wanted to. That thought made his stomach heave.
He couldn’t deny that Buffy was a very attractive woman, and maybe it was just the shock at seeing her again, so grown up. Maybe it was just because they hadn’t acted like brother and sister for so long. Or maybe it was because he hadn’t had sex in so long. Or maybe he wasn’t lying; maybe part of him, even though he didn’t know it, was still cut up about Dru.
But the more he thought about it, the more he thought none of them were the real reason. The more he thought about it, the more he thought about Buffy, especially how she had kissed him back, and then those feelings he had the other night came back. Want. Need. Take. Have. And it frightened him. It frightened him because he didn’t know if it was just a one off anymore. Maybe it could happen again.
He vowed to try and control himself from now on, and rushed off for another cold shower. He’d be having lots of those from now on.