It’d been a few days since Buffy had confronted him about the kiss, and they seemed to have gone back to normal.
On the surface at least.
However underneath their friendly smiles and casual chats there was now something else there. Every time Spike looked at her he couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she was. If she brushed against him even slightly he got hard. His problems continually switched from feeling like an animal with no control over his sexual desires, to an innocent teenager finding new erotic experiences in everything around him.
He thanked God that Buffy had been so busy recently. She’d stay and talk to him for a while and then go and study, this gave him a chance to be away from her. It gave him a chance to breathe.
He’d asked to work at the club every night since they’d talked, but they were already fully staffed tonight, so it would be the first time since everything that he’d be in the house with her all evening until they both went to bed.
He didn’t know what he was going to do, but he had to think of something. He was being forced to see that he couldn’t avoid her forever. He had to test himself tonight, and truly see if he could get by. He had to try and spend time with her without getting all hot and bothered. He had to try and be her brother.
Buffy was in her room trying to do some work, but she couldn’t think straight. She was still so confused about what happened the other night. Spike had been completely fine since they’d talked, but all their conversation did for her was raise more questions.
One being, what the hell was she doing that night? Spike had had a good reason to do what he did, but she didn’t buy what he’d said about reacting naturally, his attempt to excuse her part in it all. You don’t react that way to your own brother, no matter what’s happening. It’s never natural to try and suck your brother’s face off.
She closed her eyes and she could feel his hands on her again, she could feel his soft hair under her fingertips. Most of all she could feel the heat, the fire that it caused to rage inside of her. That’s what scared her now, because she couldn’t understand where that feeling came from.
She’d tried to act normal when she’d seen Spike around the place recently. They’d exchange anecdotes from their days and then she’d retreat to the sanctuary of her room saying that she had to study. And yet the same piece of work had been laid on her desk for 3 days now, and she hadn’t added so much as a sentence to it.
She sighed. Shutting herself in this room wasn’t going to solve anything, she had to stop thinking this was something she could hide from. Then again facing it hadn’t been the most successful plan so far either. When Spike had kissed her she’d kissed him back. She’d let the thing get out of control. He was just confused about his feelings for his ex-girlfriend and she had let him kiss her, and more bizarrely she’d liked it! She couldn’t hide from that.
Then she changed her mind once more - probably for the millionth time that night – she was going to get out of this apartment. That way she could put some distance between her and Spike, and in doing so put some distance between her and her problems. She could sort all this out later, leave now while Spike was in his room and then she wouldn’t have to explain anything, or think on her feet and make an excuse as to where she was going.
As she opened her door she almost walked right into him.
“Hey, kitten.” He smiled at her like he’d done years ago when they lived at home together. He smiled, just as you would expect a brother to smile at his sister.
“Hey.” She said back, avoiding his gaze. She swept some stray hair behind her ear nervously and began walking down the hall.
“I was just gonna watch a film.” his voice called after her, making her turn round again, “Wanna join me?”
She paused for a second, wondering what was the best course of action, and then ended up agreeing, “Yeah sure.”
He beamed brightly and moved his arm out to gesture towards the living room. She walked in and sat down rigidly on the middle of the couch and he followed her in and placed a DVD in the machine.
He turned back, walked over to her and sat down next to her. Immediately Buffy felt like she was too close and should move away, but she knew that would appear childish, after all he didn’t know anything was wrong. She didn’t want him to know how crazy she was. She had to try and keep her actions as normal as possible, which was also why she had to ignore her second instinct, to move even closer to him. Close enough so she could hold him, or just touch a part of him and feel him against her.
God she was going absolutely crazy. A sudden flush of terror ran through her just at the mere thought that he might one day find out that she was thinking these sorts of depraved things about him. She hoped to God that day never came. She didn’t know what he would think of her if it did.
She had to put on a front. If she pretended for long enough he wouldn’t know anything and then these weird feelings and thoughts would go away and everything would go back to the way it used to be.
She could be a good little actress when the situation required. She could do this, as long as he didn’t do anything to make it harder.
He didn’t see through the smile she forced when he suggested they snuggle up together like they did when they were younger.
Why the bloody hell did I suggest snuggling? How hard am I trying to make this on myself?
At the time it had seemed like a good idea. He thought it would relax them, and Buffy seemed fine with the idea, maybe even relieved, she’d smiled. When he first sat down with her she had seemed so tense. He was just trying his hardest to make things normal, to not let her in on how uncomfortable he felt now; or how comfortable, because in this position he was constantly flipping between the two.
They were both laid down together during the whole movie. Her head was resting on his chest, but luckily for Spike although he was laid on his back, she was laid on her side next to him so their lower bodies weren’t touching too intimately. Even though that hadn’t done anything to stop him getting an erection, at least it meant Buffy didn’t notice straight away and he had time to reign himself in.
He closed his eyes and tried to think of anything he could that would help him control himself. Old women…Men…His old friend Xander in a dress…There; that did it. Systems back on normal. He almost sighed in relief, but he kept it in so that Buffy wouldn’t look his way and ask him what was wrong.
The last thing he wanted was for her to be affected by any of this. This was his problem. He had to make these feelings go away some how before she ever got clued into them. And until that time he had to learn to hide them the best he could so that she wouldn’t know how sick and wrong the thoughts in his head were, and how his body responded to someone who he’d always seen as a sister until now.
Buffy looked over at him briefly. At first she was glad that his eyes were shut, because it meant he didn’t see her staring at him, but as she continued to do so she couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing. He seemed to be concentrating really hard on something, and she couldn’t figure out what.
Suddenly Spike felt as if someone was watching him, and sure enough he opened his eyes to see Buffy looking right back at him. He panicked at first, wondering if she had looked down and seen his hard on straining against the denim of his jeans, but she looked at him confused, not outraged, so he threw out the idea.
Feeling slightly awkward under her gaze he eventually sat up a bit, enough to really look at her and he became very aware that she’d laid a hand on his chest. He looked at it for a while, watching the rise and fall, and thought that he never wanted her hand to leave him. Just as he thought that she removed it and drew away from him, turning to the screen. He followed her eyes and saw that the movie was over.
He went to get up, but couldn’t really seem to as Buffy was still slightly on top of him. She realised he wanted to get off the couch and so went to scramble off as well. In the process she threw her right leg over his so she could climb across him, but at the same time he made another move to get up, causing her to halt her actions. This left them in a very compromising position. Buffy was now straddling him and their faces were almost nose to nose.
Buffy could feel her heart beating a thousand miles a minute, and Spike was sure that she would notice how laboured his breathing was. The truth of the matter was that both of them were too caught up in their own reactions to notice that of the other.
Buffy stared down into his eyes, held her breath, gulped and then opened her mouth.
“Goodnight, Spike.”
Just as quickly as the words had tumbled from her mouth she had got up and left.
Spike swung his legs down off the couch until they hit the carpet. He sat there looking down at the floor. He stayed that way for a long time. “Goodnight, Buffy.” he whispered back to the empty room.