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Chapter 15

“Thanks,” Buffy murmured, taking the cup of hot tea from her mother. Despite the warm day, the hot beverage was a comfort to her.

“Better?”

“A little,” she admitted. Her eyes were bloodshot from crying. “I don’t know what to do, Mom. I’m scared. I just…”

“You’re so young, Buffy. I wanted you to go off to college, meet new people, and have new experiences…make a life for yourself before you brought another one into this world.” Joyce sighed softly. “Maybe if your father had stayed…”

“I love Spike, Mom. What happened between us…if it hadn’t happened then, it would have happened eventually.”

“Buffy, I know you love him, but you’re so young.”

“I know I’m young. I know that. I just…Spike’s everything to me. I know you don’t get that. I know it sounds stupid to say a guy is everything to me. But he is. He’s my best friend. He’s the person I go to when I’m scared.” Joyce nodded sadly.

“I know,” she whispered. “I remember a time when I was that person. When you were little and afraid of monsters in the closet.”

“I’m not that little girl anymore, Mom,” Buffy sniffled.

“No, you’re not. And you’re about to turn eighteen.” The line between adolescence and adulthood was growing thinner by the moment, and Joyce knew that a few months wouldn’t make a difference in Buffy’s maturity. She’d made the decision on her own to have sex, and she was now faced with the consequences. “I know you don’t want to be told what to do. I know in a few months, you’ll be able to do whatever you want without needing permission. But right now? I’m going to tell you what you’re going to do.”

“Mom!”

“Listen to me, Buffy. Just hear me out, ok?” Buffy felt her lower lip trembling, but she bit it to keep back a sob. “I think I deserve to be heard out.”

“Ok,” Buffy whispered.

“You’re going to want to get a job. But you can do that after you graduate. After the baby comes.”

“What?” Buffy asked, blinking in confusion.

“What I want for you to do is to focus on keeping your grades up. Getting into college. That’s what’s important. I know that right now, you probably can’t even begin to think about how you’re going to get through college. But you will. You’re going to get an education, because that’s what’s best for you and for the baby.”

“Mom…”

“You’re welcome to apply at universities in New York, if you’d…”

“No! I’m not leaving Sunnydale, Mom. I won’t leave Spike.” She saw her mother flinch.

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Yes. When the time comes for you to pick where you’re going to go to school, you’ll already be eighteen, and I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to.”

“But you want me to have an abortion.”

“I don’t want you to have an abortion, Buffy. I don’t want you to be pregnant, period. I don’t think that you’re ready for something like this, but if this is what you want, I have no choice but to support you.”

“What?”

“You’re my daughter, Buffy, and that baby is my grandchild. As angry as I am…as disappointed as I am? I can’t turn you away.” She sniffled and took a deep breath, taking Buffy’s hand in hers. “We can look into adoption, if that’s what you want.”

“I don’t know what I want, Mom. I just…I want things to be normal again.”

“Honey, nothing is ever going to be the way it was. That’s something you’re going to have to face. I wish you didn’t have to face it so soon, but…that’s the way it is. No matter what you decide to do, it won’t change anything back to the way it was before.”

***

“I took the job.” He stared across the table at her and then cast a glance at Joyce, who sat next to her daughter. This was more like a business meeting than a meal, really, all tense and awkward.

“What?” Buffy stammered, eyes widening. “I thought you didn’t…”

“The pay’s good. I can save up the money, since my dad’s paying my expenses right now. Can save up to buy what the baby needs.”

“Spike,” Buffy said softly, “you don’t have to take the job if you don’t want to.”

“I want to. I wanna help. I don’t want to be the kind of man who doesn’t do what’s right. This is what’s right, Buffy. I wanna do this.” He looked at Joyce. “I love your daughter, Mrs. Summers. I’m sorry that I disappointed you.”

“Spike,” Joyce said quietly, “my daughter had a hand in this just as much as you did. I’m disappointed, yes, but I’m relieved to know that you’re going to step up and do the responsible thing.” Joyce folded her hands on the table. “What we need to talk about is how this is going to work. When the baby gets here…”

“Mom,” Buffy pointed out, “we have nine months to…”

“Which is not very long, Buffy. It’s gonna go by so fast you won’t know what hit you.” Joyce spoke from experience. “You know I’m going to help you. I want you to get through college and make sure you have the opportunity to get a good job.” She looked at Spike. “Spike, I know that your father is supporting you while you’re in high school, but after that?”

“I honestly don’t know,” he said with a slight shrug. “I’ll tell him, but I’m sure he won’t want to help.” He cleared his throat. “But with the money I’ll make with the band…I can find a place big enough for the three of us.” He looked at Buffy. “If you want, that is.”

“I don’t know what I want right now,” Buffy admitted. “I just want…” She slumped her shoulders and felt the tears prickling her eyes again.

“Why don’t you go get a warm bath and relax, honey,” Joyce suggested, “and Spike and I will talk a little more.” Buffy glanced at Spike, and he gave her a little nod.

“S’alright. I’ll be here when you come down.” Reluctantly, Buffy headed upstairs to get a bath. Joyce and Spike stared at each other from across the table. Joyce was the first one to speak.

“William,” she said slowly, making him squirm at the use of his real name. “Do you know what you’re getting into?”

“It hasn’t exactly sunk in yet, to be honest with you.”

“There’s going to be a baby in nine months, if that’s what Buffy decides,” Joyce said quietly. “Babies are expensive. I was lucky that Hank had a decent job when I got pregnant. The two of you…you’re so…”

“Young, I know,” Spike pointed out. “But I’m going to do the best I can. I’m going to go to school. I’m going to play in the band.”

“That’s not going to support the three of you forever.”

“I know that. I do. I’ll do what I can. I’ll do everything I can. I just…I won’t be the kind of man that doesn’t want to be there.” Joyce saw the pain flicker in his eyes. She remembered how hurt Spike had been after his father and step-mother divorced, and his father flitted off to London, barely keeping in contact with his son.

“I understand,” she said slowly. “But…”

“What are you trying to do? Are you trying to…to give me an out or something? I’m not letting Buffy do this alone.”

“I wasn’t…”

“I love her, ok? I’ve loved her for a long time, and I will own up to what happened. Buffy’s pregnant, and I’m the reason. But I’m not gonna walk away from this. I’m not losing her. She’s everything to me.” Joyce remembered Buffy saying something quite similar to her earlier.

“I respect that,” Joyce said quietly. “You both seem very determined to make this work, and I admire that. I just don’t want Buffy to get hurt when this is all said and done.”

“With all due respect, I’m not Buffy’s father. I’m not going to leave like he did. I’m not going to hurt her. I’d never do that. I’m not that kind of guy.” Joyce looked down at her folded hands, and she nodded.

“Alright. But you have to realize that this isn’t going to be easy. It’s gonna be pretty hard, and at some point, you’re probably going to want to run screaming for the hills. But it doesn’t work like that. If you want to be involved, you’re going to have a lot to deal with, and you’re going to have to be ready.”

“I will be. I promise.”

***

They sat side by side on the back porch that night, neither one really sure of what to say. Buffy leaned her head on Spike’s shoulder, and he had his arm around her waist. Joyce was inside, deciding not to monitor them, considering the damage had already been done. Her seventeen year old daughter was going to be a mother herself.

“Do you think we can do this?” Buffy asked. “Honestly?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. Never thought much about having kids before,” he said quietly. “Didn’t expect it would happen this soon, anyway.”

“I know what you mean.” She looked up at him. “Are you scared?”

“Out of my bloody mind.” He let out a slow, even breath. “Which is probably what I should be feeling.” He gave her shoulder a squeeze. “I’m sorry, Buffy. I should have been thinking that night. I didn’t even think about it. I just…I wanted you, and I wasn’t…I wasn’t thinking straight.”

“It’s not your fault,” Buffy assured him. “I wanted to just as much as you did, and I should have asked you if you had anything.” She sighed and slumped her shoulders. “I guess it doesn’t really matter now, does it?”

“Guess not,” he breathed. “You’re sure…you want this?” He watched her flinch.

“I’m not asking you for anything, Spike. If you don’t want to be a part of this…”

“I didn’t say that.”

“I can’t go through that, ok? I just…I can’t. I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but that’s not an option for me right now.” Spike nodded his head.

“Good. I’m glad.”

“You are?”

“Yeah.” He took her hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Don’t know what we’re gonna do, but we’ll figure it out together, alright.”

“Ok,” she agreed. She took a deep breath and stood up. “It’s getting late…and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna crash as soon as I get upstairs. I’ll come over tomorrow, ok?”

“S’gonna be weird, not sleeping next to you every night.”

“Tell me about it,” Buffy smiled, looking down at their hands that were joined, gently swaying together. “We’re crazy, aren’t we?”

“Maybe just a little,” he offered. “We’ll get through this, Buffy. It’s us.” He saw the relief flood over her face.

“Yeah. Us. We can do anything.”

“Right, pet.” He smiled and leaned in to kiss her. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” she breathed. “C’mon. I’ll walk you to your car.”

***

“Hello?” Buffy asked slowly as she picked up the phone in her room.

“Hey, it’s me,” Willow said cheerfully on the other line. “I just talked to Oz, and he said Spike told him he’d join the band. I thought you said he wasn’t going to.”

“He changed his mind,” Buffy murmured, leaning back against her headboard and staring at the wall across the room.

“Is everything ok? You sound funny, Buffy.”

“I’m…I’m ok, Wil. It’s just been a long day, and…”

“You’re doing ok at your mom’s though?”

“Yeah. I think so.” Buffy took a deep, shaky breath, which Willow heard. “So, are you working on homework, or…”

“Buffy? What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean? I’m fine.”

“I’ve known you long enough to know that when you say you’re fine like that, you’re not fine, so spill.” Willow waited patiently, while on the other side of the line, Buffy bit her lip nervously and covered her face with the hand that wasn’t holding the phone. “Buffy? C’mon. I know that you tell everything to Spike, but I’m here if you need to talk.” She tried not to sound bitter. She wasn’t, really. She’d accepted their closeness long ago, and they’d known each other for much longer, but still, she wished that Buffy could talk to her more.

“Ok,” Buffy finally agreed. “But Wil, I need you to promise me that this doesn’t go anywhere apart from this conversation. You can’t tell Cordelia. Not even Oz. Not right now.”

“Oh God. Buffy, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”

“Are you sitting down?”

“Yeah. Oh God. It’s one of those ‘sit down’ conversations?”

“Definitely.” Once again, Buffy chewed on her bottom lip. She squeezed her eyes shut, as if Willow were in the room with her, and she blurted it out. “I’m pregnant, Wil.” Silence. She heard a stifled gasp, and that was about it. “Wil? Willow? Are you…hello?”

“I’m here.” Willow’s voice was small and carried the weight of surprise. “Wow, Buffy. I wasn’t…I thought maybe you were moving or…or….I didn’t even think about…oh my God! You’re pregnant?!”

“Shh! If your parents hear, they’ll totally freak!” It was true. Willow’s parents didn’t even know she was dating yet. They weren’t too keen on sex before marriage, either.

“They’re not home right now. But, oh my God! Does Spike know?”

“Of course he knows. He was the first person I told…well, before my Mom.”

“Oh God. How’d she take it?”

“She freaked. But she didn’t kill me. And I’m still at home. So…I guess it’s gonna be ok.”

“Well, how did Spike take it? Oh my God, that’s why he told Oz he’d join the band, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. Spike…well, he was just as freaked as me, but he wants to be there for me. He’s gonna support me in whatever I decide.”

“Decide? You mean…oh…so you’re gonna…”

“No. I’m…I’m keeping the baby.”

“You mean, keeping it, as in you’re gonna raise it, and…”

“I think so,” Buffy whispered. “I mean, I know I’m not ready for this, but I can get ready. And Spike’s there, and my Mom. I’ve got a great support system. I just…it’s so confusing, Wil.” Her voice was starting to shake, and Willow knew her friend was on the verge of tears.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“I don’t think so, Wil, but thanks. It’s still really early, so I shouldn’t really be telling people. I just…I needed to tell someone else, and even though I love Cordelia, she can’t keep a secret, even when she tries her hardest.”

“Well, I’m glad you told me. I just…wow. I can’t believe it, Buffy.”

“I’m still having a hard time with the concept too. I’m scared, Wil.”

“It’s gonna be ok. You’ll get it figured out. You’re lucky you’ve got your mom and Spike. Did you tell your dad?”

“No. And I’m thinking of not telling him until he’s across the country in New York. At least he can’t kill me or Spike from there. Though he may have contacts to the mob.”

“Buffy.”

“You never know! Anyway, I don’t wanna tell him. I really…really don’t.” She took a deep breath, and as she was about to say something else, she heard a peck on her window, startling her. “Uh, Wil. I’ve gotta go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, ok?”

“Yeah. Definitely. Bye, Buffy.”

“Bye.” Buffy hung up and hurried over to her window. When she pulled up her shades, Spike was standing in the tree looking up at her. Buffy’s eyes widened, and she lifted her window. “Spike! What the Hell are you doing?”

“Can I come in?”

“Uh…yeah, but…but be quiet. If my mom hears you, she’ll…”

“I’ll be quiet,” he promised, pulling himself into her bedroom. Buffy backed up a little, giving him some room.

“What’s up?” She felt like an idiot to ask him that after everything that had transpired in the last day.

“I couldn’t sleep. I tried, but…God, Buffy, I just…”

“I know what you mean,” she muttered, sitting down on the end of her bed. Spike sat down next to her and wrapped an arm around her. “We’re going to have a baby, Spike. We’re gonna be somebody’s parents. Together.”

“Together,” he said softly as he stroked her cheek. “Just remember that.”

“Did you tell your dad?”

“Not yet. You?”

“No,” she murmured. “I’m thinking of waiting until he’s gone to New York. At least your dad’s across the ocean.” She frowned and moved across the room. She slowly opened her door to peer out into the hall. It was dark, so she closed her door quietly and turned off the lights.

“Think I’ll sleep better if you sleep with me,” Spike said softly. Buffy smiled a little and nodded.

“Ok, but you can’t let her find you in here in the morning.”

“I’ll be as quiet as a mouse, luv.”

“Good,” she whispered, “’cause I want you to stay.” She pulled back the covers and crawled under them. Spike removed his shoes and crawled into bed with her. He didn’t mind the girly bed, because it smelled just like her. He smiled when she smiled at him, and he leaned in to kiss her softly.

If she’d had any worries at that very moment about their future, that smile, that wonderful smile, made them melt away. Spike was her safe haven, and she knew in her heart that whenever things got too scary or too complicated, he was going to be there to hold her until the fear went away.


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