Chapter 3
Buffy hadn’t seen Spike at all on Sunday. After he’d left Saturday night, Buffy had told him she’d see him Monday, because she wanted to spend Sunday with her mother. However, Buffy’s plans with her mother fell through, because Joyce had to go into the gallery again due to a problem with a shipment. Instead of calling Spike and making plans with him, however, she’d spent the day at home, trying to rationalize her feelings for Spike; trying to explain that she was only feeling these things because they’d slept together. She knew she was only kidding herself. The feelings had started way before that. Apparently, she sucked at lying to herself, so how in the hell was she going to lie to Spike if the subject ever came up again?
That was when the little voice inside of her head told her that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to tell him that she felt more than friendship between them. Then Buffy would tell that voice to shut the hell up, but she’d spend the next few hours thinking about it. God, what would it be like to be Spike’s girlfriend? Would it really be any different than what they had now? The closeness, the intimacy of mind and spirit, the shared laughs. Of course, sex would be a perk. And kissing. And heavy petting.
And she was wet again. It was now Monday morning, and she was thinking back to waking up in Spike’s arms on the couch. God, how she wished she’d done things differently. Maybe kissed him awake and caught him a little off guard. Maybe he’d have responded. Maybe he wouldn’t have pushed her away.
Most days, he picked her up for school, so she wasn’t the least surprised when she saw him pull up outside. He honked the horn, and she took a few deep breaths. It was going to take all of her courage to keep herself pulled together this morning and not make an idiot out of herself. As much as she needed to tell him she thought she was starting to fall for him, she knew that the best thing for their friendship right now was to wait it out. Perhaps these feelings weren’t real. Maybe it was just a temporary insanity kind of thing. By the end of the week, she and Spike would be thinking clearly, and they could put it all behind them.
But they’d had sex. That was a big deal. Maybe it shouldn’t have been, but it was. Maybe not so much for him. He’d had a little more experience. The most sex she’d ever had was losing her virginity to Riley Finn after a party junior year. She hadn’t really wanted to sleep with him, but the fact that she was a seventeen year old virgin, most of her friends had ‘done it,’ and teen sex was culturally expected pretty much set her mind to it. Of course, hearing from Spike that he’d lost his virginity to Drusilla hadn’t made her any saner in her decision. So, she’d had sex for all of four minutes and thirty five seconds, all of which she’d counted in her head, because to her surprise, it was Riley’s first time too, and she’d never thought sex could feel so…so mechanical.
She and Riley had drifted apart shortly after the short, boring sex in the cheap hotel room he’d rented, and then he’d joined the military and gone off to parts unknown. She’d never heard from him again, and she didn’t often think of him, unless Spike talked about Drusilla, which automatically led to her seething disgust that Drusilla had had Spike first. And of course, that brought her mind back to that night when Riley had moaned and panted on top of her and then had asked if it was good for her. Of course, she’d smiled and nodded, and as soon as he got off of her, she’d dressed and asked him to take her home.
By the time Buffy made it out to the car, she had calmed herself enough to flash her best friend a bright smile.
“Morning, luv.”
“Morning,” she replied, buckling herself in as he drove down the street.
“Have a good time with your mum yesterday?” Buffy frowned and chewed on her lip.
“Uh…yeah.” God, why did it feel so horrible telling him such a little white lie? “What’d you do yesterday.”
“Nothing much. Dru called me again.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. She kept saying she misses me and that she made a mistake when she dumped me.” He scoffed and rolled his eyes. Buffy eyed him.
“You talked to her?”
“I got sick of her calling. Wanted to tell her to piss off.” Buffy frowned.
“You didn’t have to talk to her. I mean…she’s trying to break you down, Spike.”
“Well, she won’t have the satisfaction, will she? Unless she somehow develops mind-controlling powers, the only thing telling me what to do in her case is my brain. And I think it’s working pretty good.” Buffy frowned anyway. “If I see her today, I’ll tell her to stop calling me. I’ll bloody change phones if I have to.”
“Yeah,” Buffy said quietly, “but you know Drusilla. She’ll do whatever it takes to get what she wants.” Spike sighed and gripped the steering wheel a little harder.
“Yeah. Well I don’t want her.” I want you. Just say it, you bleedin’ idiot! Buffy stared straight ahead. “Don’t want anything to do with her.”
“Alright.”
“You don’t believe me?”
“I believe you mean that, Spike. I do. It’s just…Dru is…well, she’s beautiful. Long, dark hair. Fair skin. I mean, I know the tanned thing is in, but she’s so…exotic.” Spike rolled his eyes.
“Between you and me, she might be pretty on the outside, but she’s a bore, pet. She’s nothing like…” He swallowed hard. “And in bed? She might have been my first, but…well, I don’t thinks she’s been educated in the fine art of how to please a lover.” Buffy flinched, and Spike didn’t notice.
“I must’ve been horrible then.”
“What?” Was she out of her mind?
“Dru’s been with….well, I don’t know how many guys. Before you it was Riley. And just once.” She looked out the passenger window.
“Buffy…I…no! You weren’t horrible.” She couldn’t stop the tears that started to fall. She kept her head turned so he wouldn’t see. Spike pulled over to the side of the road, and he placed his hand on her shoulder. “Buffy, you weren’t…you weren’t horrible. You were great.”
“Sure,” she whispered, taking in a few uneven breaths. Spike shook his head. How the hell did he tell her that being with her was the most amazing thing he’d ever experienced? How it made sex with Dru feel like a chore?
“Hey, look at me.” She wouldn’t. “Buffy. Please. You’re my best friend.” Buffy closed her eyes, feeling the tears growing hotter beneath her lids. Finally, she opened them, letting the tears slip out, and she turned her head to look at him. “You weren’t terrible. You were…” Amazing. Fantastic. Say something, you bloody idiot. “You were the best…I mean…” He ran his fingers through his hair nervously. “I don’t have a lot of experience to compare it to, but…wow.” Buffy’s breath caught in her throat.
“Wow?”
“Yeah.” His face felt hot. Was he blushing? Buffy couldn’t help but smile a little. She knew when he was lying, and he wasn’t. He really meant that? “It was you, Buffy. I mean…we’ve known each other forever. I wasn’t afraid with you. I just…it felt…it was new. It was good, Buffy. I just…”
“I know,” she whispered. Spike cleared his throat and pulled back out onto the road.
“It wasn’t terrible. Never think that. You have no idea how beautiful you are, luv.” Buffy felt her jaw drop a little. His eyes were on the road now, but she couldn’t take her eyes off of him. The things he said, she’d dreamed of him saying them to her. But now…everything was so confusing. Why couldn’t she just tell him?
“Just for the record,” she dared, “you quadrupled Riley’s time.” She immediately felt like an idiot, but Spike raised an eyebrow.
“You’re joking, right?”
“No,” she said, embarrassed. “Really not.”
“Poofter,” Spike murmured, getting a silly grin out of Buffy.
“And compared to Riley? Definitely worthy of a wow.” Spike couldn’t help but beam at that. Here they were, best friends, telling each other they were the best sex either of them had ever had, despite limited experiences. Did that not mean something?
“Feel better now, pet?”
“I guess,” she said quietly. Spike pulled into the parking lot of Sunnydale High.
“What’s on your mind, pet? You can talk to me about anything. Y’know that, right? I mean, it’s me.” Buffy looked up at him.
“Yeah. It’s you,” she whispered. She had to fight back tears again. “I’m so confused, Spike.” Spike felt a lump rise in his throat.
“Ok.” He gave her a little nod, urging her to continue.
“I don’t know what to do. I…you’re my best friend. But I’ve been having these…these feelings.”
“Since the other night?” She buried her face in her hands.
“Oh God.”
“Since before?” He asked, eyebrows raised in surprise.
“Mmmfffmmm,” she mumbled, nodding lamely into her hands. Spike couldn’t help but smile a little, and he reached over, pulling her hands away from her face and forcing her to look at him.
“So have I, luv.”
“You…really?” She swallowed hard. She had to be dreaming. Yep. That’s what this was. One of her many, many Spike-filled dreams. She knew that at any minute, the porn scenario was going to kick in, and she’d wake up in a sweat, one hand down her panties.
“I didn’t wanna scare you, luv. I just…and I thought telling you after what happened…look, I didn’t want to use you, and…”
“You didn’t use me. I was upset. You were there. I wanted to just as much as you did, ok?” She swallowed hard. “And now all I can think about is…is wanting to do it again, and I know we can’t.”
“We can’t?”
“No! Spike, we’re best friends. If we…if we were more, what if…what if something went wrong? I don’t wanna lose you. You mean too much to me to lose you like that. You and Drusilla? That was a nasty breakup. I don’t want that to happen to us.”
Spike couldn’t help but agree with her. Well, he agreed that he didn’t want anything to happen to ruin their friendship, but he didn’t want them to deny themselves the right to be happy.
“Me and Dru? That’s nothing like what he have, luv. You’re my best friend. You know…you know everything about me. You’re the only person I can talk to, and if something went wrong, I’d hope we could talk through it, like we’ve always talked through everything else.” Buffy nodded.
“Yeah, I know, Spike. It just…it scares me. We’re going off to college next year, and we don’t know what’ll happen after that. Staying friends after high school’s hard enough. What if…” She shook her head. As much as she wanted to be able to call Spike something more than just a friend, she knew that she wanted him in her life forever, even if it meant remaining friends.
Spike looked away, swallowing that lump in his throats.
“So we’ll stay friends, yeah? Like we said before.”
“I think we have to, Spike. Maybe…maybe we’ll start dating other people, and this’ll just…it’ll go away.” She didn’t believe a word of what she just said. He didn’t either. But for the sake of their friendship, they both decided it’d be best to give it a good try.
“Right then,” he said quietly. “We better get a move on. Don’t wanna be late for that Chem test.”
***
“Divorced?!” Willow Rosenberg squeaked, as she and Buffy sat together in study hall.
“Shh!” Buffy hissed, not wanting the entire school to know just yet. She was still trying to adjust to her parents’ split. “Yeah. They told me Friday night. I…I didn’t take it very well.”
“I wouldn’t either. Oh my God, Buffy. Are you ok?”
“Yeah. I think so,” Buffy muttered, drawing lazy circles on her notepad instead of doing Calculus. Cordelia Chase came waltzing over, all smiles.
“Hey girls.”
“Hi Cordy,” Buffy mumbled. Sensing her friend’s tone, Cordelia raised an eyebrow.
“Not a ‘hey girls’ kinda day. What’s up?” Buffy and Willow shared a glance, and then Buffy nodded.
“Buffy’s parents are getting a divorce. She doesn’t want anybody else to know right now.”
“Oh my God. Buffy, are you…”
“I’m fine,” Buffy said briskly. “I…I think I am anyway.”
“When…”
“They told me Friday,” Buffy pointed out, catching Cordelia up. Cordelia put a comforting hand over Buffy’s.
“If you wanna talk about it,” Willow offered, “you know we’ll listen.”
“Actually…that’s not what I wanna talk about.” Buffy brought the end of her ink pen to her lips and began to chew on it. Cordelia took the pen away. Bad habits needed to be broken.
“So what’s up?” Cordelia asked.
“I did something…really bad.”
“Oh?”
“Well, it was really, really not bad, if you know what I mean. It was…amazing. But…but so bad. I can’t believe…”
“Buffy!” Willow urged. “What did you do?” Buffy sighed, squeezing her eyes shut tightly. She looked over her shoulder to make sure nobody was listening, and then after a sharp intake of breath and another dramatic pause, she opened her mouth.
“I slept with Spike.”
“No!” Willow gasped.
“Oh my God,” Cordelia hissed. “No way. Because, Spike? Hello, salty goodness! How did you…”
“I went over there. I didn’t know what else to do. You know, he’s been my best friend since forever, and…and he was there for me.”
“I’ll bet,” Cordelia snorted.
“But…how did you get from being upset about your mom and dad to…you know, jumping all over Spike?”
“Hey, it’s not like I’m some crazed sex fiend,” Buffy defended. “Wil, it was a lot more than that.”
“Well, obviously. You’ve been into him forever,” Cordelia teased.
“What?! How did you…”
“It’s so obvious. It’s kinda sweet. You’ve grown up together, and now you’re finding your way to each other. And by the way? He’s totally into you.”
“I know,” Buffy groaned.
“And that’s a bad thing, why?” Willow wondered. “Buffy, if you like him, and he likes you…well, you already did the sex thing, so what’s the problem?”
“The problem is that I don’t want to ruin our friendship!” Buffy choked out, holding back the tears. Cordelia sighed.
“You didn’t tell him that, did you?”
“Yeah.” It came out as a squeak.
“Before or after he told you how he felt?”
“After,” Buffy muttered, hanging her head.
“What? Buffy!” Cordelia groaned. “Why’d you go and do that?”
“I don’t know! Ok? I was scared. I wanna be with him, and…and I guess he wants to be with me, but I don’t want to mess it up.”
“Are you kidding me? You’re like…perfect for each other.”
“I told him we could try dating other people. It could be some temporary thing, and it’ll go away.” Cordelia’s jaw dropped, and Willow sighed, shaking her head.
“I might not be so good with the boys, but Buffy, I think you just made one of the biggest relationship mistakes ever,” Willow explained. “You and Spike? Pretty perfect for each other. Something like that doesn’t come along every day.”
“I know,” Buffy cried, reaching for a tissue in her book bag. “But I don’t wanna lose him.”
“Who says you’re gonna lose him?”
“My parents? They were perfect for each other. And now they’re getting divorced. I mean…if it could happen to them…”
“Your parents didn’t know each other as long as you and Spike have before they got together. C’mon, Buff, Spike is a good guy. A really good guy,” Willow offered. “I think you should go talk to him.”
“Really?”
“I agree with Willow,” Cordelia said with a nod, brushing her hair over her shoulder. “Talk to him, because rumor has it, Drusilla is making plans to tangle him up in her web of sluttiness again. You’d better act fast before she has the chance to get her fangs into him.”
“What kind of metaphor were you going for? Spider or…”
“Whatever!” Cordelia exclaimed. “Just go! He’s in gym right now. If Snyder asks, I’ll say you’re sick and in the bathroom, k?” Buffy swallowed the lump in her throat, and she felt her stomach beginning to do flip flops.
“I don’t…”
“Go, Buffy! If you really wanna be with him, go now,” Willow exclaimed. “It’ll be romantic. Just run to him and tell him you love him, and he’ll sweep you up into his arms on the basketball court, and…”
“Lay off the romance novels, Wil,” Buffy urged with a little grin as she stood up. “Ok. I’m going. Do I look ok?”
“You look fabulous. Now get the hell out of here,” Cordelia ordered, pointing toward the hall. Buffy swallowed her pride, put one foot in front of the other, and headed off to tell Spike that she was an idiot and that he shouldn’t listen to her, because what mattered was being true to their feelings, and if being together was what that meant, then that’s exactly what they should do.
***
When Buffy stepped into the gym, she smiled a little at the sight of Spike playing basketball with their friend Xander Harris. The two had always had a friendly rivalry, always trying to one-up the other in just about everything, so it was no surprise to see the two of them giving it their all at their game. Judging by the look on Xander’s face, Spike was winning.
But, when Spike glimpsed Buffy watching him from near the bleachers, he passed the ball to Xander and headed off the court.
“Buffy? Something wrong?” he asked, eyeing her seriously. She smiled nervously at him.
“Um, no. I just…I wanted to talk to you about something.” Spike nodded.
“Good. I, uh, I wanted to talk to you about something too.”
“Ok?” she said, her throat drying up.
Spike nodded and led her over to the bleachers. They sat down, both trying to block out of the sounds of the basketballs hitting the gym floor.
“What’s up?” she wondered.
“You go first.”
“No, it’s ok. Really.”
“Ok.” He cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his hair. “Well, considering what you said in the car this morning…I just…look, Xander’s cousin Faith comes into town this weekend, and he’s supposed to be stuck with her. But he’s got some big date, and he doesn’t wanna show her the sights. So he…he asked me to do it.”
“Oh,” Buffy whispered, her throat going dry again. “So you’re taking out Xander’s cousin.”
“As a favor.”
“You don’t have to explain.”
“Well you seem kinda…”
“No, it’s cool,” she lied. “I, uh, I was just coming to tell you that…that I’m glad that things are ok between us.” Spike eyed her, but then she flashed him a promising smile, and he couldn’t help but smile back.
“I don’t want it to be weird between us, Buffy. I really…I really would rather take you out than Faith, but with this whole just friends thing…maybe you’re right. Maybe we just need to…”
“Spend some time apart.” It felt like getting hit in the gut with bowling ball when she uttered those words.
“Yeah. Maybe.” His eyes were practically pleading with her to protest. To tell him that she didn’t want him to go. His head was screaming at him to tell Xander to find someone else, but he couldn’t. If this was what Buffy wanted for now, then he was going to have to deal with it. Maybe…just maybe going out with Faith would show Buffy what she really wanted. Maybe this thing with Faith would be a good thing after all.
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