Chapter 20: Rocky Road to Recovery
(Friday, April 25th)
The days following Hank’s arrest and Buffy’s hospitalization were anything but pleasant. While her physical injuries were minor, her mental stability was on the constant verge of cracking. At first she’d been welcoming toward Spike, clinging to him for comfort and letting him hold her.
As the days passed and the hospital kept her for psychiatric evaluations, she began to grow distant and she pushed everyone away. Her friends, Anne, and even Spike weren’t able to get her to open up and deal with any of it. She adamantly refused to mention it and she rejected the idea of therapy.
On the fourth day of her hospitalization she was given an ultimatum. She could either go home with Spike and Anne, on the condition that she saw a therapist three times a week, or she would be institutionalized and forced to see a therapist there daily. She grudgingly went with option number one, deciding right then that she was angry with everyone around her.
They were all concerned for her well-being and they just wanted to help her, but she saw each attempt as a personal attack and she pushed them further away. She just wanted to forget that anything had ever happened and move to the wonderful world of denial.
She took an entire week off of school because she couldn’t bear to face anyone. Everyone knew what had happened by now and she didn’t want to deal with the whispers and the stares. She knew they would all be judging her in one way or another. She didn’t think she could handle any criticism or sympathy at the moment. It would make everything seem too real.
Her teachers e-mailed all of her make-up work to her and Spike helped her to get caught up. That was pretty much the only time she spoke to him after she was released from the hospital. It got so bad that she was unwilling to go outside or talk to anyone else at all. Every time he tried to ask her how she was doing, she replied tersely that she was fine and that he should stop bothering her.
It was only with the looming threat of further hospitalization that she was willing to see her therapist on the mandatory schedule. For the first two weeks there seemed to be no progress at all, and the shrink even complained that Buffy wouldn’t say a word to her in the sessions.
Her reclusive attitude was even beginning to affect her relationship with Spike. He’d been nothing but patient and understanding with her, but she was giving him nothing to work with. He didn’t know how to talk to her anymore and she wouldn’t let him touch her, not even to hold her hand or kiss her forehead.
The stress of uncertainty was putting a lot of strain on him and he wasn’t sure how to cope. He knew he couldn’t lose her though. That wasn’t even an option. They’d been through too much for him to give up on her now, even if the road to recovery was a very long and rocky one.
After the first month there seemed to be minimal progress and Buffy began speaking to people again, though she still avoided the subject of her father like the plague. She decided to sell the house, unable to even step foot in the place, so she enlisted the help of a realtor. A ‘For Sale’ sign was posted in the yard and she put ads out in the local papers.
A few offers were made fairly quickly, but all were below the asking price. Apparently word had gotten around that it had been the home of murderer and rapist Hank Summers. It wasn’t the kind of positive publicity that was conducive to selling the house at a good price.
A month later she gave up on getting a better deal and she sold it to the highest offer. She was glad to be rid of the place that harbored so many of her painful memories. She’d finally started talking to her therapist about her life, but she’d yet to broach the subject of her capture in April. She made a few meager attempts to talk to Spike, but to say they were successful would be giving undue credit.
Things were getting increasingly tense between the two of them, but neither of them was willing to call the issue out. That road led to possible fighting and angst that they weren’t prepared to deal with. Instead they went about their daily routines as usual, sharing a bed at night but never touching. She still wouldn’t let him hold her like he wanted.
He felt helpless as he watched her continue to suffer at a distance. Short of sending her to a mental hospital he didn’t know what more could be done. She was already seeing Dr. Maclay three times a week and she refused to be put on antidepressants. Things were looking decidedly grim at the moment.
(Saturday, July 12th)
Having gotten herself a debit card, using the money the court had granted her during Hank’s second trial, she’d begun to buy her own clothes as well as groceries for the household. At first Anne had refused to accept them, but Buffy had been persistent until the woman gave in. The line was drawn when Buffy tried to pay rent.
Anne insisted that Buffy was part of the family and that her money wouldn’t be accepted. Buffy relented at that and stuck to buying groceries every now and then. She considered it a great accomplishment for herself when she felt comfortable going outside alone again. Granted, she still had to walk or get a ride everywhere she went, since she had no experience with driving, but she was getting out of the house more and more often.
That afternoon she’d walked to the mall to meet up with Willow and the two girls had shopped while eating ice cream. She hadn’t discussed anything about her April experience and the redhead didn’t push for details. Spike had already filled the girl in on the basics, and she knew it had to be a sensitive spot for her best friend.
As they strolled past Victoria’s Secret, slurping on their respective cones from the Dairy Queen in the food court, Buffy felt a sense of longing tugging at her mind. She used to love going in that store and shopping for sexy things. Dressing up in cute outfits for Spike had been one of her favorite parts of their physical relationship.
Thinking of him made her feel incredibly guilty and she had to force her mind off the subject. She knew she was being unfair to him, not talking to him or letting him touch her, but she didn’t know how to deal with the thought of intimacy anymore. Her body had been abused in ways that even she hadn’t thought possible.
The years of abuse from her father paled in comparison to what he’d done in April. Those memories would haunt her as long as she lived and she didn’t know how she was going to get over them. Talking to Tara had helped her relax a little and become comfortable in her own skin again, but she still couldn’t stand the thought of sharing her body with anyone, even Spike.
She loved him no less than she had before, and she wished she could shut her mind up, but sex had become a repulsive subject for her. Her mind had blurred the lines between sex, abuse, and making love, making them indistinguishable to her. How could she make love to Spike when all she could think about was Hank violating her?
She pasted on a fake smile that hurt her face as Willow started talking to her. “Xander and I were talking about going to the Bronze tonight and we were wondering if you wanted to come. Anya and Oz will be there also. Oh! And Spike is more than welcome to join us.” The redhead had an extremely hopeful look on her face and Buffy didn’t want to hurt her feelings, even though she really didn’t feel up to clubbing after the thoughts she’d dredged up.
She reminded herself that this was her best friend and that she’d been antisocial toward everyone lately. She owed it to the group to make an effort, even if it was a small one. She nodded her head slowly and kept the forced smile on. “Sure, Wills. Sounds fun.”
They shopped for another hour before she left the mall and walked home, carrying two bags of new clothes from Dillard’s. Upon her arrival she saw that Anne’s car was gone, but Spike’s was still in the driveway. She let herself in and called out, “Hello?”
Not receiving an answer, she figured Spike must be in his room and she started up the stairs. She opened the door gently, not wanting to startle him, and she was shocked at the sight that greeted her. He was sitting on the end of the bed facing the window, staring out of it aimlessly as tears streamed down his cheeks.
In the months following the incident, she’d only seen him cry when she’d been in the hospital. The sight broke her heart a little and wrenched her gut with further guilt. She had to try and reach out to him. Her behavior was unacceptable and she didn’t know how he’d put up with it for so long. Her cold demeanor was surely taking a toll on him and she didn’t want to hurt him any more. Her issues shouldn’t have to become his as well.
She swallowed hard as she set her bags down by the door. She was sure he’d noticed her presence in the room, even though he hadn’t looked at her. She approached him slowly and sat down next to him on the bed. When he finally looked at her she almost flinched from the pain she saw in his eyes.
She raised her hand slowly and wiped the tears from his cheeks, her own eyes watering up from the sight of him crying. She opened her mouth to speak then closed it again, not quite sure what to say. She knew she had to say something though, anything, to let him know that she wanted to try and work things out.
Finally she managed to choke out an emotional, “I’m sorry.” He was stunned to say the least and he stared at her in silent astonishment. Before he could say anything she pushed forward, practically babbling, “I know I haven’t been fair to you. I’ve been really closed off since…” She stopped and closed her eyes for a second, a tear slipping down the side of her face.
She opened her eyes and met his gaze again, seeing love, sympathy, encouragement, surprise, and confusion in his eyes. She stroked his cheek softly and continued, “… since April. I’m sorry that I’ve pushed you away and that I haven’t talked to you. I just… I don’t know how to deal with it. I haven’t even been able to talk to Tara about it yet.”
She was full-on sobbing now and Spike pulled her into his arms, holding her tight and rubbing her back supportively. He closed his eyes as he cried with her, resting his cheek against the top of her head. They’d both been holding in their emotions for months and they’d reached breaking point.
It was a long time before they pulled back, and Spike was further surprised to see an actual smile on Buffy’s face. “Thank you, Spike. I think I needed to cry. I haven’t since right after it happened.” He took her hands in his and pressed a soft kiss to the top of each.
He squeezed them and said very seriously, “Buffy… love… it means a lot to me that you would apologize, but I’m not mad at you, sweetheart. I couldn’t be. Not after…” He trailed off and clenched his jaw, getting angry just thinking about it.
He was glad the bastard was rotting away in a maximum security prison, waiting for his turn on death row. If he hadn’t been put away, Spike was sure he would’ve personally killed him.
Buffy’s chin trembled a little as she fought off another onslaught of tears, his words making her extremely emotional and reminding her of why she loved him so much. No matter what she did or how coldly she treated him, he was always there when she needed him.
She wondered what she had done to ever deserve a man as wonderful as this. By all rights he shouldn’t even want her, considering she was damaged goods. She knew his love was unconditional, though, and she was immensely thankful for it.
She took a deep breath to steady herself and she put on her brave face. “I want to try something, but you have to promise you won’t be upset if it doesn’t go well.” She pursed her lips in determination as she waited for him to answer.
He looked a little apprehensive but he slowly nodded his agreement. “Okay, kitten. What are you wanting to-” She cut him off as she pressed her lips gently to his. He sat frozen in shock for a moment and then he began kissing her back, slowly and gently so as not to scare her off.
She forced herself to relax as he began kissing her and she weaved her fingers through his bleached locks. When she needed to breathe she pulled away and rested her forehead against his. She kept her eyes closed as a smile curled up her lips. It was the first time she’d kissed him in months and it had felt damn good.
She pressed another quick kiss to his lips before pulling away completely. He stared at her in amazement as he tried to formulate words. “Kitten, you didn’t have-” She cut him off for the second time by pressing her index finger to his lips. “Spike, I wanted to. It’s been too long since we’ve been… affectionate, and it’s my fault. I’m not just doing this for you, either. I feel better now than I have in a long time.”
He seemed to contemplate her words for a moment, weighing them for sincerity, and then he smiled as he decided to accept her statement. He pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her head. “Thanks, pet. It means a lot that you’re trying.”
She laced her fingers with his after they separated again and she said, “So Willow invited me to come to the Bronze tonight, to spend some time with the gang. I’ve been neglecting them the last few months and I feel bad, so I said yes. She said I could bring you since Anya and Oz will be there also. Do you want to come?”
Her green eyes held so much hope that he wouldn’t have turned her down to save the world. He smiled genuinely and kissed her quickly, mumbling against her lips, “I’d love to, pet.”
They ended up lying down on the bed and just holding each other until it was time for dinner. After a pleasant meal with Anne, in which Buffy apologized profusely and the older woman almost cried, they went back upstairs to shower and get dressed for an evening with her friends. Maybe things weren’t so grim after all.
Interlude: Rinse
She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight
She was under water. She couldn’t breathe. She struggled furiously to swim, but her hands were tied behind her back. Her body forced her to inhale and her lungs burned, suddenly on fire from the invasion of water. She screamed with the little air she had left, but the murky blue depths swallowed the sound from her lips.
She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way
Suddenly she was being shaken. She tried to cough up the water in her lungs, but it wouldn’t come out. The salt water burned her eyes and she couldn’t even see anymore. Everything was turning black, but she was still being shaken. She felt like she was rising through the water slowly, until the shadows seemed to fade away. Consciousness returned and she found herself breathing erratically, gulping in huge bouts of oxygen to ward off the dream-state drowning.
And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
What could be the worse than leaving something behind
And as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow
It's loneliness she finds...
As she calmed down to the point where she wasn’t hyperventilating, she seemed shocked to find she wasn’t alone. Suddenly she remembered where she was and who slept beside her every night. Tears sprang to her eyes and her body began to shake uncontrollably. She sobbed harshly and Spike immediately moved to comfort her. He rubbed her back and whispered sweet words in her ear, but she couldn’t hear them through the screaming in her mind. Everything was overwhelming. It was finally getting to her and she couldn’t handle it.
She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight
Spike watched her recede into herself and give into the pain, and he wanted nothing more than to help her. He knew he needed to break through the barrier if he was going to stop her from having a panic attack. He gripped her arms firmly, not enough to hurt her but enough to get her attention, and he said in a steady, reassuring voice, “Kitten, I need you to look at me. Come on, grace me with those pretty green eyes.”
She must rinse him
She must rinse him
She looked at him then with tears running freely down her cheeks, her green orbs glassy and haunted from her inner turmoil. He raised a hand to wipe the tears away, making direct eye contact to command her full attention. He spoke to her slowly and softly, as if to a startled bird, and her chin quivered with the effort of not breaking down again. “Whatever you dreamed, love… it wasn’t real. What’s real is this, right here. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I’ll never leave you, pet. I’ll never let anything bad happen to you again. Do you hear me?”
She can't rinse him
She can't rinse him
The tears continued and she stared at him blankly, not seeming to hear his words or comprehend them. He forced himself to be patient, because he knew that frustration wouldn’t help the situation. He decided to try a different tactic so he switched his question. “What happened, pet? What did you see?”
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
She sniffled and looked down, and then back up into his worried gaze. Finally he was getting through to her. “I… it… it was dark. All around me. Water in my lungs. And… a-and it burned. It hurt. I couldn’t breathe! I couldn’t get out. My hands, they were tired, and…” She started crying again and this time he didn’t try to stop her. He held her close and closed his eyes, mind running a mile a minute. He could only figure that her dream was symbolic, because the subconscious was rarely very straightforward. It didn’t take much to guess what drowning symbolized for her.
She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
When she’d cried all that she could, she curled up against him and stared blankly at the wall. The rising and falling of her chest was even, but inside she was a mess of torrid emotions. Spike stroked her hair gently as he cradled her to his chest, both of them lying back on the bed now instead of sitting up. Finally he spoke in a quiet, serious voice, “I think you know what that dream meant, Buffy. We both do. You really need to talk to Tara, pet.
You have to find a way to wash him out of your mind, or he’s just going to control you for the rest of your life. I know you don’t want that, and neither do I. I want you to be happy, free, and vivacious. I want to see you smile like you used to.” He knew that only time would heal her wounds completely, and he also knew that she was taking great baby steps toward fixing the problem, but if she didn’t manage to overcome her fears then they would overcome her. If she couldn’t get over this, she would never be able to love him the way he deserved, and she would never be able to love herself.
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I can't begin to tell you how relieved I am that I finally have this chapter written. My mind sort of shut down after I wrote that last chapter, and that was last year. My writer's block has lifted for now and I'm pleased to present you with something brand new. Everything isn't going to instantly be better, because Buffy has a lot to work through still, but there isn't going to be anymore heavy angst in this story. I hope you enjoy the update :) Thanks to Pet, PhotographyNut, and lindsay for reviewing the last chapter. I know it wasn't easy to read.
Chapter End Notes:
She's on her way to getting a little better, but things are by no means perfect. There will be more tension between them still, but at least it's a start. Please review!
I couldn't resist adding an interlude to the end of this. It's too short to stand on it's own and it came out of nowhere tonight. The song is 'Rinse' by Vanessa Carlton, and I think it's perfectly symbolic.
I couldn't resist adding an interlude to the end of this. It's too short to stand on it's own and it came out of nowhere tonight. The song is 'Rinse' by Vanessa Carlton, and I think it's perfectly symbolic.