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Author's Chapter Notes:
Just as a warning, this chapter features Buffy/Other, but it's fleeting. This chapter also features dialogue from 'Surprise' which clearly belongs to Joss etc. I just borrowed it in convenient memory form.

Once again, thank you to the people who reviewed the story. I appreciate your lovely comments.
"Well, I could sleep forever,
But it's of her I dream.
If I could sleep forever,
I could forget about everything"
- The Dandy Warhols, "Sleep"

The memory came to her while she slept; a pale, pathetic little thing dusty with disuse and half-forgotten like everything else before the fall. But as it nestled between the half images of her dreams it began to grow in size and color, tempting her subconscious until she reached out and fell in.

* * *

I am sixteen going onto seventeen …

The inane song circled through her head, belying the blatantly obvious seriousness of their situation. Despite her attempts to control it her mind had its own agenda and refused to cooperate, just like her body couldn’t stop shivering or her heart from burning so brightly that she was surprised it didn’t immediately go up in flames and turn her into a pillar of cinder. They had come so close tonight to losing each other forever. As the realization washed over her, she felt her chest tighten as pain mixed in with the exuberance of her love and tears filled her throat as she pressed closer to him, “You almost went away today.”

“We both did.”

She shivered at the sound of his voice. Even bedraggled and in full on retreat mode he retained the power to set her skin on fire just by speaking. It was almost too much to bear, his nearness painful yet as necessary as breathing. She couldn’t stop the sob when it finally released itself on the syllables of his name, “Angel. I feel like I lost you.”

Panic began to claw at her as the truth of her words echoed back in the silent room, “You’re right, though. We can’t be sure of anything.”

He made a small comforting sound in the back of his throat, his hands cool on her skin as he tried to soothe her with his touch, “Sh. I …”

She turned abruptly to face him, their faces inches apart as her eyes searched his, so dark and mysterious, a stark contrast to the open need and fear that she knew must be reflected in hers. She needed to hear him say it, there was no comfort to be found elsewhere, “You what?”

“I love you.” Her heart stopped as her universe narrowed down to those three little words, “I try not to, but I can’t stop.”
Her heart began to beat again, it’s thumping so loud she was sure they could hear it all the way back at the factory, “Me, me, too. I can’t either.”

She didn’t know who had begun kissing whom first. It wasn’t important though, everything vital had already been gone over and all the reassurance she needed could be found in his embrace. A frisson of pleasure ran through her as she deepened their kiss, her pulse a staccato drumming as their interaction shifted instinctively to the next level.

Unexpectedly, he broke the kiss and she barely pushed back her moan of discontent as he rested his forehead against hers, “Buffy, maybe we shouldn’t.”

“Don’t.” Her voice was harsh and she softened it immediately, “Just kiss me.”

And then there wasn’t a need for more words. What was speech compared to the lingering touches and deepening kisses which seared the certainty of their love into her brain? Beneath him her skin hummed and sang for more, drowning beneath a wave of tenderness as gently, oh god, he entered her. She gasped as he began to move, her body instinctively fitting with his as she learned the rhythm of his movements, her breath coming hard and fast against his shoulder as she whispered her love into his skin. It didn’t matter whether he heard her or not. He knew it already.

How could he not?

A glow washed over her at the thought and she was sure beyond belief that she was the luckiest girl in the entire world; that tonight would be the beginning of all her happiness.

A moan tore from her throat as she felt her her climax approaching, a sweet building that started in her belly before spreading throughout her body. She pulled at him, wanting to look into his eyes when it happened, to finally see the love reflected there that he guarded so closely. But when she glanced up at him his eyes were no longer brown but a stormy blue so deep that it took her breath away and pushed her over the edge.

* * *

“Buffy, love, wake up. You’re dreaming.”

Her eyes fluttered open, hazel meeting blue. She frowned at him, an unfamiliar feeling licking its way across her skin as she stared.

“Are you all right, pet?”

His voice sparked her back into reality and she exhaled the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. The feeling, though, did not go away, “I’m fine, Spike.”

She tasted the lie before the words left her mouth. Hurriedly, she pulled away from him and began gathering her clothes, studiously avoiding looking at him as she dressed. She could feel him watching her though, his gaze traveling slowly over her body as if she were a particularly difficult puzzle to be solved. Fully dressed she turned and pressed her lips to his in an abrupt goodbye kiss which left them both surprised.

“Buffy …”

She ignored the question in his voice as she ascended to the second level of the crypt. Even in the harsh light of day the ember burning inside her stomach refused to vanish and despite its warmth she wrapped her arms around herself and shivered. She had been cold for so long that she no longer knew what to make of the heat.

When she got home she could hear Willow retching in the bathroom.

Despite her promises she’d been back to Rack’s.

Looks like I’m not the only one with a problem.

It was only as she crawled beneath the cool sheets, grateful that it was a Saturday and she could sleep in, that she realized that there was a huge difference between their situations. Her involvement with Spike wasn’t going to get anyone hurt. Willow’s affair already had.


Chapter End Notes:
Just in case people think I'm nuts and hate this chapter after reading it -- I want to point out that while I'm not a B/A fan I do think that this incident was important for Buffy in more ways than one. Truthfully, I believe it's the last time in the series that she ever let her guard down enough to really love someone else romantically and so I thought that making post-The Gift Buffy relive it would be important for her to remember how to feel that way again because ultimately any real change has to come from within Buffy. It's unrealistic to think Spike's just going to sex her back to life, no matter how good in bed he is. So, even if this chapter confuses you, I hope you can understand my reasoning and continue through the story.

I also promise not to ramble so much in the future.



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