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Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry about the delay between chapters but with a death in the family, my partner's birthday, work and a holiday ... I just haven't had a chance to pick up where I left off. Hopefully, there won't be any other drama like this for a long time so that the story can finish without another delay because I've already got another one bumping around in my head and this one needs to be completed first.

On a less personal note, two lines of dialogue are straight from the Season six episode 'Smashed'. Clearly, they don't belong to me but to Joss Whedon, etc.
"Well some say life will beat you down,
Break your heart, steal your crown.
So I've started out, for God knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there
I'm learning to fly, around the clouds,
But what goes up must come down
I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing."
- Tom Petty, "Learning to Fly"

* * *

"So are you going to tell me what set you off on me this time or are we just going to act like it never happened?"

Buffy flinched at his question, her hands buried in her sleeves as she sat next to him on her back porch. All around them the night was still, the scent of dew and clean air mixing with the bitter tang of Spike's cigarettes. The tone of his voice was soft, his touch softer, as he closed the gap between them. Guilt flared brightly in her and she tasted sourness as her mind wandered back to that scene in the alley, her palms pressing tightly against her eyes.

She still couldn't look at him; couldn't bear to see the damage that she had wrought upon his face. The sharp cheekbones, the sapphire eyes, the alluring softness of his mouth were all marred now, a sick parody of bruises and small tears that had yet to heal. Tears burned behind her eyes but she swallowed them back, determined to get through the encounter without dissolving into sobs.

"Don't you get it? Don't you see? You came back wrong."*

"You were right."

Amy laughed, a jittery hard sound as she turned towards Willow, her eyes bright at the look of horror on both faces, "Congratulations, Wills, you've made your very own Frankenstein's monster."

Shame had spread through her then, slick and oily with fear and anger. She could hear Willow's muttered 'oh god', a pathetic tinny sound, as she backed away from the Slayer. The witch looked sick, babbling incoherently to herself, "I can fix it. I can fix it. I can make it all better.”
Time seemed to stretch as Buffy half listened to Amy’s laughter and Willow’s moans. Inside she felt still despite her fear. They knew now; she was discovered.
“I can bring back Buffy." The sentiment hovered in the air for a moment. Amy, mercifully, had ceased her laughter and now looked at her with a calculating gleam in her eye; there would be trouble there.

"Get out."

Willow shook her head in dissent, moving towards Buffy slowly, her face set in a grim mask, "You don't know what you're saying. I can make things right. You're not Buffy, I don't know what you are, but you're not going to stop me from bringing her back."

There had been a flash of anger and fear and then Willow lay flat on the ground and Buffy stood over her, her voice chilly when she spoke.

"I'm all that's left."

“Came back a little less human than you were.”*

Spike sat silent beside her after the telling. Mercifully he didn't flinch away from her; his hand remained on her back, a solid beacon of comfort. She leaned into him a little, inhaled the scent of him deeply as he turned to look down at her. Even through the horrific swelling his eyes were piercing, seeing her as no one else had ever done. Gently, she placed her fingers on his face, skimming over the bruises she had inflicted before tracing the cut on his mouth. He kissed her then; a soft meeting of lips that she knew had to hurt him as much as it gave him pleasure.

“What are we going to do now, pet?”

She shrugged, attempted to smile, “There’s nothing left to do now but deal with it. Now that it’s been confirmed …” She trailed off, lost in thought as she stared at the stars above them.

“I still don’t know what I am and Willow,” she took a deep breath, “Willow’s gone.”

Spike nodded, “Kicked her out then? About bloody time, girl was just a giant leech at this point and no good for the Niblet to be around.”

Buffy sighed, “Dawn will be thrilled at least when she gets back from Janice’s tomorrow to find Willow gone and you here.”

He stiffened, surprise and caution mingling on his face. She felt him begin to pull away from her, no small surprise considering her treatment of him, but a reaction that speared her with a sense of her own regret and sadness. She grasped his hand tightly, interlacing her fingers with his as she rose, pulling him with her towards the back door. She paused on the threshold, turning to look up at him, forcing herself to examine her handiwork once again.

“I can’t take back what I did, Spike, and I know that I can’t make it right.” His mouth opened to cut her off but she signaled to him for silence, “All I can do is try to make what’s left between us into something good.” She grinned wryly, “Well, as good as a Potentially-Demon-Buffy can make something any way.”

He kissed her again, pushing her against the doorframe as he leaned into her body, his hands at her throat and shoulder. She could feel the blood pounding in her veins, her heart thumping wildly in order to keep up with her pulse. She glowed from the touch of him, a pleasant warmth that spread throughout her limbs until it finally took residence in her heart. He broke from her slowly, his forehead resting against hers as she struggled to control her breathing, her arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

“I love you,” his voice was rough, his eyes catching hers as the reactionary panic reared its head, “I don’t expect you to say it back to me, pet. But I want you to know, demon or not. I don’t care about what happened between us in the alley, all I want is you, Buffy.”

He buried his face in the crook of her neck, a gesture which should have raised her hackles but didn’t. Instead she felt a sense of serenity pervade her, as she held him to her and the glow in her chest brightened.

Looks like there’s going to be some upsides to non-humaness after all.

The guilt was gone.





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