Chapter Six: Surprises
“It’s your birthday today?!” Dawn screeched, her obvious distress at this information evident.
Clem smiled sheepishly. “I don’t care much for birthdays,” he said and shrugged, but deep inside, he was secretly enjoying how much of a big fuss she was making.
Dawn rolled her beautiful chocolate brown eyes and her full, nude-colored lips formed a pout. “Get dressed and let’s go.”
Clem looked taken aback, puzzled at this order. He watched with confused eyes as she stood up and gathered her purse, pulling on her sneakers as she waited impatiently by the door. “Well?” Dawn looked expectantly at him.
“Where are we going?” Clem asked, clearly lost.
Dawn giggled and Clem was lost in the sound. “No questions. It’s a surprise but I just know you’re gonna like it!” Tugging on his hand and shivering at the contact, she led him outside as she set out to buy him a birthday gift.
**Ten Minutes Later**
Clem was more confused than the time that Zorax demon had attacked him in Arizona, when he had been living with Frank Zaloosky, the carpenter from Serbia. Apparently, the Zorax had been a death collector when you didn’t pay the demon community their taxes but as far as Clem was concerned, the demon community had no taxes and as it turned out, Zorax had been in the wrong dimension, the whole time.
But nonetheless, Clem was confused.
Dawn had refused to say a word to him, willing him to be patient as she led them to their destination. He couldn’t help but dwell on the feel of her baby soft skin touching his and decided that as long as he was with her, he didn’t mind where they went.
Finally, they came to a halt and Clem glanced up, genuinely surprised by what he saw.
Sunnydale Pet Store.
“I’m gonna buy you a kitten!”
****
“He’s so cute,” Dawn cooed softly, trailing her hand lightly overtop of the kitten’s neck. His fur was a fluffy white with a tint of beige and Dawn had fallen in love with him at the first sight.
Clem couldn’t help but agree as he stared into the eyes of the kitten.
She’s a beauty, isn’t she? Clem thought, prideful.
The cat meowed in response and Clem instantly fell in love with him.
They were back at Spike’s crypt, and Clem had been incredibly touched by the romantic gesture that Dawn had made. It was so kind of her. Despite Spike’s obvious chaos, he hadn’t even wished him a happy birthday. Then again, he hadn’t told Spike. As Clem thought of Spike, he wondered if their meet-up had gone okay or if things had erupted once more. He had remembered one of his demon mothers telling him that ice cream was the way to a girl’s heart. Just make sure you order her favorite and things should go a-okay. Clem had remembered back in December when Buffy had invited him over for Christmas dinner, her obvious joy at Dawn’s thoughtful purchase of cookie dough ice cream. He supposed things couldn’t be going that bad. Turning his attention back to the dark-haired beauty kneeled next to him on the ground, he smiled softly.
Maybe love wasn’t such a bad thing after all.
****
Said pawns of Clem’s cunning plan were giggling hysterically over the soft serve’s system dysfunction. Watching with amusement, the cashier slipped noisily onto the ground with a resounding thud, as the ice cream made the floors irresistibly slippery.
“Oh my God!” Buffy laughed, tears streaming down her face and immediately adopting an angelic expression when the cashier shot her a dirty look.
Spike laughed with her, enjoying the carefree way she was being with him. With him. The thought made him giddy inside and with the offered crumb held out once more by his goddess, he took it eagerly and savored the feel of it. He was finally breaking down the walls in which she refused to leave.
And all it had taken was ice cream. Not profound, heart-shattering declarations of love and devotion or brutal, desperate sex. Not long, tiring and relatively tense nights out patrolling.
Ice cream.
Buffy’s voice broke through his bewildered state. “Good thing I didn’t apply for a job here, huh?” She giggled, her desperate attempts at calming down failing miserably.
At this, Spike’s laughter escalated. “Buffy the Ice Cream Slayer!” He grinned.
Buffy rolled her eyes and playfully smacked his shoulder over the table. “Loser.” She batted innocent eyelashes at his mock-offended expression.
Eventually their laughter subsided, with the help of a threat to being kicked out of the parlor from a very huffy cashier, and this time, the silence was no longer comfortable. The inevitable “talk” hung heavy in the silence, ready to spring.
“Buffy,” he said reverently, looking up to stare into her beautiful eyes. She shivered at his use of her given name, relishing in the love pouring through the single word. She wished she could just say “to hell with it” and just be with him, but real life was more complicated and fucked up than that. She knew that she had to start growing up and facing her problems instead of running away from them. It wasn’t fair to Spike, it wasn’t fair to Dawn, her “friends” and it wasn’t fair to her. In the end, everyone she knew suffered and she didn’t want that.
Sighing, she leaned her cheek heavily onto her palm and stared back at him with a tired expression. “We need to talk?” she asked, her voice small.
Spike nodded, pursing his lips. “We do.” He said tightly, fidgeting with the sleeves of his duster.
Buffy sighed again. “Can we play twenty questions? Make it easier to get through this?”
Spike smiled a little. “Whatever helps you best, luv,” he said lovingly, nodding. She loved how he was so willing to appease her, making everything better for her. It broke her heart that she had done nothing to return the sentiments, instead making everything harder.
She closed her eyes for a second, feeling his gaze still on her face before she opened them with a deep breath. “Okay, ask me whatever you want and I’ll try my best to answer.” A determined expression on her face, she folded her hands neatly in her lap and braced herself for the hard questions to come. Glancing briefly at her wristwatch, she saw it was only 9:30. This meant lots of questions. Lots of hurt and revelations.
Spike nodded, running a hand through his already disheveled platinum locks. He then met her gaze and sucked in a deep breath, the sharp lines of his cheekbones accentuated by the motion. “Do you think we have something more than sex, Buffy?” he asked, needing to know that if they could get any farther in their relationship, he had to know if she thought they could first.
Buffy nodded. “I do.”
Spike sighed inwardly with relief but kept his face calm. He didn’t want to confuse her with his insecurities. Right now, she needed to get this out and his questions were the only way. He just needed to ask the right questions.
“Why do you deny what we have then? Why do you come to me in the first place?” His eyes were pained as he pleaded with her to give him the answers he wanted.
Buffy lowered her eyes in shame and took a deep breath. “I’ll answer your second question first,” she whispered.
Hanging her head in shame, she began:
“When I died Spike, I was in a place that…that was so good and peaceful. Ever since I was called, everything has come down to me being the Slayer and my destiny. You know, ‘because every Slayer has a death wish,” she paused, as she watched the guilty look flash across his features as she used his words against him.
“But.” She raised her brows, willing him to be silent when he tried to interrupt. “I’m not done yet.”
“I come to you because you make me feel, Spike. Not just feel good in that way,” she rushed to explain, flushing pink at the implications of the statement. “You make me feel like just Buffy. Like I’m special, but not just because I’m the Slayer. You make me feel more alive than I have in six years.”
Stunned by this, Spike continued to listen to her with a wide-eyed expression.
“When I was in Heaven, I saw my Mom, Spike,” her voice cracked at “mom” and he resisted the urge to comfort her. She needed to get this out without any contact, physical or emotional. Right now, any judgment, good or bad, was going to close her off again. She didn’t need criticism or sympathy. She needed someone to just listen for the sake of listening.
“And all I thought was: there was only two people in the world who ever saw me as Buffy. Her and y-you. And then I felt so guilty, so remorseful for the way I treated you. I h-hated myself s-so much and I knew I deserved every bit of it,” Buffy forced her tears back.
“You make me feel like a woman, Spike,” she whispered, staring up at him with a femininely longing expression. Not a lustful one, but one of pride. For him. “For six years I had been used to feeling like nothing but a beneficial byproduct of the supernatural world,” she said, bitterness lacing her tone and causing Spike to wince.
Spike’s eyes filled with distress at this revelation. “Buffy, luv-.”
“Wait, Spike,” she said gently, cutting him off. “I felt like that. Like I was just there, convenient to everyone who needed me. Hell, when I was dead, they still needed their protector there. They could never take care of themselves and they made me pick up the slack. Then you came along, and told me you loved me and then I freaked because I wasn’t used to it. Even my own sister saw me as Slayer first, Buffy later. My own sister, Spike,” Buffy said, her heartbroken tone causing Spike’s own heart to break.
“I wasn’t used to being loved the way you loved me. I wasn’t ready for it. I was used to being in the background, there when everyone needed me. So, I tried to push you away as far as I could, however I could. I said the meanest, most cruel things to you that I never, ever meant,” she said vehemently, trying to convince him. “Just so you would keep away and let me be miserable. I didn’t hate you. I never did. I hated myself.
And so, to answer your first question, I denied you because I was terrified. I was terrified of you. I was more terrified than I had ever been at anything. More terrified than when I learned I had been Called, more terrified than the time Giles got kidnapped by Angel, more than when Mom died, when Dawn almost died. More than all of that. I should feel terrible for saying it, but I don’t. I was scared. I wanted it so much but you pushed and pushed and I wasn’t ready for all the things you insisted I should say. I’m so sorry, Spike!” She was sobbing now, her head in her hands as she cried out her anguish. The mighty Slayer that had once been oh-so cold and confident had now been reduced to a weeping girl. A girl.
Because that’s what she had always been. Just a girl.
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Christine for the wonderful beta job. *hugs* Also, a huge thank you to everyone who reviewed the latest chapter! All of your comments and kind feedback mean the world to me. Thank you. I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint. : )