Revelation
Author: Pattyanne
snapkik@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Not mine
Feedback: I love it
Summary: Willow informs Buffy of what
Spike went through after her "death".
Part One: Willow and Buffy
The night air was cold, and Willow hurried to unlock the
front door and get inside. Dumping her books on the
sofa, she turned to see Buffy sitting at the dining room
table. She had a sheet of paper in front of her, but seemed
lost in thought.
"Hi!" Willow said, trying for a cheery smile. She pulled
out a chair and sat down opposite her best friend. "What
are you doing?"
"Making a shopping list," Buffy replied absently.
Willow frowned, tilting her head to view the paper pro-
perly. "I'm guessing we don't need very much," she said,
seeing that the paper was blank.
"What?" Buffy looked up briefly. "Yeah, I suppose so," she
said, staring back at the paper.
"Buffy." Willow reached for the pen in Buffy's hand and
took it away. "What are you really doing?"
The slayer sighed deeply, covering her face with her
hands. "Trying to figure...something out."
"Something?" Willow asked, arching her eyebrows. "Or
someone?"
Buffy uncovered her eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Willow smiled. "Just that I'm pretty sure I know what you're
thinking about so hard. I've seen that "figuring out" look on
your face before, and it's usually been about a someone...a
male someone."
Buffy glanced away. "Will...there is no male someone in
my life right now."
Her friend gave her a speculative look. "Oh, yes there is."
Looking flustered, Buffy tried to protest. "No...there's not. You
know I haven't been...I wouldn't..." She sighed. "Oh, all right,"
she said, folding her arms across her chest. "What do you think
you know?"
"I know that a certain vampire is crazy in love with you. I know
that you used to really hate that particular vampire, but that
you don't feel that way anymore." She paused a moment, then
delivered her final thought. "And I know that you're madly attracted
to him."
"How would you..."
Willow shrugged. "You talk in your sleep sometimes." She
watched Buffy turn a brilliant shade of crimson. "I also know,"
she added, "that you're fighting things way too hard for it to mean
nothing to you."
Buffy said nothing for a long moment.
"Am I close?" Willow asked.
The slayer nodded. "You're right on target," she said. Cupping
her chin in her hand, she gave Willow a forlorn look. "What am
I gonna do, Will?" she asked. "I know he loves me. I believe him
when he says it. And I...I do have feelings for him. Feelings that
I don't understand...and that I probably shouldn't have."
"Why shouldn't you?" Willow interrupted.
Buffy stared at her. "How can you ask me that? Because...he's
a vampire. I'm a slayer. We're not supposed to care about each
other."
"Oh, pooh." Willow waved her hand in the air. "Things are
different now, Buffy. He's been one of us for a while. I know
he's got the chip and everything, but that really doesn't have a
lot to do with it."
"Huh?" Buffy's brow furrowed.
"Well....I like him," Willow said defensively. "He's done a lot
of good things...things he didn't have to do. Even Xander kind
of likes him now." She chuckled. "Though he'll never admit it. And
Dawn's crazy about him."
Buffy smiled. "Yeah, she's made that painfully clear. She's his
own personal cheering section."
Willow nodded. "He took good care of her while you were...gone,"
she said. "They spent a lot of time together...really bonded." She
looked at Buffy curiously. "Buffy...has anyone ever told you what
he went through when you...you know?"
"No," Buffy said, shaking her head. "Not in any detail.
Was he upset?"
"Upset?" Willow repeated. "Upset doesn't exactly describe it. De-
vastated," she said. "He was devastated."
"Tell me."
She took a deep breath. "When the fight was over, after Giles
killed Ben...we were kind of scattered. We weren't sure what had
happened at first. Then we...we kind of all came together where you
were...where you fell. It was so quiet. We just...just stood there,
wondering why it had happened that way. I think we all truly believed
that you were sort of...invulnerable. You'd come so close, so many
times, and you'd always bounced back."
"Slayer healing," Buffy murmured.
"It was almost like we were all just standing around and waiting
for you to shake it off. You know...just jump up and start telling us
what we had to do next. And...during all this terrible silence...I heard
someone crying. Crying like...like their heart was just shattered. And
it wasn't any of us. I turned around and...and I saw Spike. He was
so bruised and bloody...he couldn't even stay on his feet." Willow
looked into Buffy's eyes. "Buffy...he crawled on his hands and
knees to get to you."
Buffy placed her hand over her mouth.
"He just sat there next to you," Willow went on. "He held your
hand...and he...he begged you to wake up."
"Oh," Buffy whispered, tears coming to her eyes.
"Over and over again. He just didn't want to give up. I guess he
thought that...that if he tried hard enough, he could...I don't
know...make you do it. He kept asking you to open your eyes. He
said he'd do anything if...if you would just open your eyes. If
you'd wake up..and hit him, or call him a nasty name, or...threaten
to stake him good and proper. He didn't care."
Buffy smiled sadly. "Sounds like him."
"We couldn't get through to him," Willow said. "He wouldn't listen.
Wouldn't respond. Even Dawn couldn't bring him out of it. And...he
wouldn't let us near you at first. He said that...that we were gonna
bury you..and leave you alone in the dark...and he wasn't gonna
let that happen. After about an hour, we knew that we had to take
you away. Morning was coming...and we couldn't wait around there
anymore. And...in the end...it took both Giles and Xander to...to
drag him away from you."
Willow reached for one of Buffy's hands and held it. "You know...I
stood there and I watched this happening...and all I could think was
that we had all been wrong. Wrong...in thinking that no soul means
no feelings. Because he was...he was heartsick. That's the only
way I can describe it. It was beyond grief." She shook her head. "I've
never seen anything like it before."
Buffy suddenly stood up and went into the bathroom, returning
with a box of tissues. She gave Willow a handful, then sat back
down.
"Afterwards...he completely shut down, for almost a week. We
all started checking on him a couple of times a day. Believe it or
not," Willow smiled, "it was Xander who suggested we do it. He
thought that if we didn't keep a close watch, that Spike would..he
would..."
"Kill himself," Buffy said. "Stake himself."
"Or just die of grief," Willow nodded. "Giles tried to talk him
into leaving his crypt and staying at his place for a while...but
he didn't want to. We brought him blood. He wouldn't touch
it at first. For a while...I really thought we were gonna lose him too."
"What happened then?" Buffy asked.
"It was Dawn that kept him with us. She was having such a
hard time dealing. She wasn't eating right or sleeping much. And
when she DID sleep, she had constant nightmares." Willow wiped
her eyes before she continued. "When she started losing weight,
I went to talk to him...and I kind of bullied him into coming to see
her. I gave him the whole "she's already lost two people she loved
and she can't handle a third one" lecture. I told him what was
happening to her, and I reminded him that he'd promised you he
would take care of her...and what would you think if you could
see what he was doing. That he ought to be ashamed of himself."
She stared at her hands as she shredded up tissue. "I'm not sure
what got through to him. I don't know if it was something I said, or
if he just missed her...but he showed up that night. HE gave HER
the "What would Buffy think?" speech."
Buffy chuckled through her tears. "I'd love to have heard it."
"He seemed to be a little more like his old self...or he
was pretending to be. He stuck like glue for a while. Even
spent a lot of nights sleeping on the couch. He was the only one
who could comfort her when she'd wake up just...screaming from
the nightmares. It took a while, but she finally started to come
to terms with it. When THAT happened, he started patrolling. Just
about every night. Sometimes with the rest of us...sometimes
by himself. Those five months you were gone, he staked more
vamps than all the rest of us put together."
"He loves his nightly spot of violence," Buffy said, shaking her
head in amusement.
"He went to your grave a lot," Willow informed her. "Xander
followed him there one night. He told us that he saw Spike
talking to you, telling you everything that he was doing."
"God," Buffy whispered.
"He managed to put a good face on it, but it didn't take
a genius to see he was in serious pain. He was good at
hiding it...but it was there."
Looking at Buffy earnestly, she said, "That's the reason we
didn't tell him about our plan to bring you back. It wasn't
because we were trying to shut him out, or that we were
afraid he'd try to stop us." She paused for a moment. "He
got part of it right. I WAS afraid that you might not be the
same, that I might have to send you back. But, it wasn't
because I thought he might try to prevent me from doing
it. It was...it was because I knew that he wouldn't be able
to go through it again. The grief of losing you. He wouldn't
survive it. And we needed him to survive...DAWN needed
him to survive."
Buffy nodded. "She still needs him."
Willow nodded, then said, "You know, somtimes I would go
and see him, and we would talk about you. He told me about
the first time he saw you...you remember, at the Bronze? He
said he went there that night to size you up, see if you'd be
hard to kill. And he said......."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I just went there that night to size her up, ya know? Check
for weak spots, see how she fought. I walked into that place
and I found her right away. She was dancing...and I couldn't
take my eyes off her. Christ...she was knock out! So pretty
and alive...vibrant! And she was a KID! Sixteen years old. No
woman should be that sensuous at sixteen. But there she
was...and I wanted her more than I'd ever wanted any other
woman, before or after. Outside, in the alley...when she
dusted that vamp...she was fucking poetry in motion. I'd
never seen anyone fight that well. I kinda hated to see it end."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy stared at Willow, her mouth slightly open. "You mean...he
wanted me...then? Back when he first saw me?"
Willow nodded. "That's what he told me."
"I...he didn't...but I thought he hated me!" Buffy looked
pole axed. "He threatened to kill me!"
"Buffy," Willow said seriously. "Look at me...and tell me
the absolute honest truth....what did you think when you
saw Spike for the first time? Be honest!"
Hesitating, Buffy swallowed hard. "I thought he was the
sexiest guy I'd ever seen." Her lips curved in a slow smile. "For
a minute...I forgot Angel even existed."
Willow grinned. "And all the times you fought with each
other..."
Buffy stared at her friend. "What did HE say about it?" she
challenged.
"He said....."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I don't want to make you blush now, Red. But, since you asked,
yeah...every time I fought with her, all I could think about was
how much I wanted her. And I always wondered...she was such a
hot blooded little thing, so I wondered...if she was just as hot in
bed as she was in a fight. Course...after I fell in love with her..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When did he fall in love with me?" Buffy cut in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Well...I don't know exactly when, luv. I know I only admitted it
after that business with Cap'n Cardboard...you remember when
the stupid git almost dropped dead cuz he wanted to keep playing
superman for Buffy. I had this dream later that night...dreamed
I told her that I loved her...and I kissed her. You know...I really think
it started after that spell you did went wonky. I remember kissing
her for the first time...it was everything I'd imagined it'd be. That
girl really knew how to kiss. I was so pissed when you broke that
spell so soon. I know I didn't act like it....but I was. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, God!" Buffy's cheeks flamed. "I...I felt the same way. I
mean, yeah I was mad and all, but..." Her voice dropped. "He
was the best kisser I've ever had my lips on. Better than Angel,
and Parker...and WAY better than Riley." She giggled. "To tell
you the truth...Riley had a tongue like a fist!"
Willow laughed with her, then said, "Buffy...you need to think
things over. Be honest with yourself. Decide what's best for
you....then go and tell Spike that you love him." She stood
up and retrieved her books, then headed for the stairs. "And
don't let ANYONE" she added, "stand in the way."
Watching as Willow disappeared up the staircase, Buffy
grabbed a handful of tissue and cleaned up her face.
When she was done, she studied herself in the bathroom
mirror. "You need work, Summers," she muttered, then
ran up the stairs to shower and change.
She was going to see Spike. It was time.
TBC....
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