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Author's Chapter Notes:
This story is betad by mabel marsters. Thank you!
”Well?” Angel didn’t bother trying to hide his impatience as he leaned back in the armchair, arms crossed over his chest. “I’m on the clock here, Rowan. What can you tell me?” He watched as the slender, blond man in front of him pulled a few yellow hairs out of the small, plastic comb, closed his eyes and let out a soft, humming sound.

A moment later, his eyes snapped open and he shook his head, an apologetic look on his face. “Sorry, boss. There’s nothing.”

“What does that mean?” Angel was clearly frustrated. “Is he just too far away for your sense to pick him up, or is he...?”

“I don’t know.” Rowan sighed, handing the comb back to the vampire. “Look, you found this in Oscar’s desk drawer, right? Could just be that he hasn’t used it for a while. Got anything a little more...?” He paused, searching for the right word. “...fresh?”

Angel thought for a moment, then nodded. “Go check down in the lab. His coat should still be there. See what you can make of it and then get back to me.” When Rowan didn’t move, just fidgeted awkwardly in his chair, Angel raised a brow expectantly. “There a problem?”

“Um...” Rowan ran a hand through his hair nervously. “The basement... The Scavengers will be there. They can be a bit...”

“...Grumpy.” Angel finished, nodding in understanding. “Especially around humans.” He hesitated for a moment. “All right. Take Spike with you.”

“Got it.” Rowan got up from the chair, and then stopped. “You know, I hate to say this, but we’ve had absolutely no luck so far with this case. Even if Oscar’s still alive and I’m able to sense him, there are no guarantees.”

“I’m aware of that.” Angel let out a sigh. “Look, Rowan, I’ve already lost four employees this week, and it’s only Wednesday. It’s like they’ve just vanished from the face of the planet. I have to do something, or I’ll be out of workers by weekend.”

“Yeah, I get it.” Rowan bit his lip, thoughtfully. Then he shrugged. “I’ll do my best.”


~ ~ ~


“Someone’s in a good mood today,” Lorne stated and let his eyes sweep curiously over the blonde woman as they walked through the lobby. “May I ask if a certain vampire with a soul – with blue eyes and cheekbones to die for – has anything to do with it?”

Buffy glanced at him, pouting a little. “I thought you could only read my mind when I’m singing.”

The green demon let out a snort of amusement. “Sweetie, your mind’s like a book, open for all to read.”

She grimaced, blushing slightly. “Am I that obvious?”

“Oh, it’s not just you, muffin,” Lorne assured her. “I can read him as well. You’re not the only one wearing your heart on your sleeve.”

Buffy got a thoughtful look on her face as his words started to sink in. “You know, I still kinda have a hard time taking in the fact that Angel’s running this firm. And Spike being here as well.” She paused. “Demons and humans working together... Well, I guess he fits right in.”

“Who, Spike?” Lorne gave her a funny look. “He’s not happy here.”

Stopping abruptly, Buffy stared at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Scratching his horn, Lorne looked a little uncomfortable. “Well, he wasn’t. Don’t worry; I’m sure things will be different now.” When she remained silent he continued, “I have to tell you, though, I’ve never seen a vampire so close to the edge. Especially before he got corporeal. Did a good show of hiding it, of course. But you can’t fool an empath demon. Been around for a while; I know what depression looks like.”

“Depression...” Buffy tasted the word and shook her head as they kept walking. “I’m sorry, I’m having a hard time picturing Spike as depressed. He’s just too...” She tried to find the right word, but failed.

“Honey, vampires and demons can get depressed, too, you know.” Lorne smiled, sadly. “In fact, I was in a bad place myself, recently, where I nearly burned myself out. So I had my sleep removed, and...”

The demon kept talking, but Buffy had stopped listening. She felt like her head was spinning and she didn’t know what to think. If Spike hated being back so much... A horrifying thought occurred to her and she grabbed Lorne by the arm, forcing him to come to a halt. “Please tell me he wasn’t ripped out of Heaven!”

“Heaven?” Lorne looked genuinely surprised. Then he shrugged. “You tell me. You were there, got the t-shirt. Did it seem like a place where vampires would end up?”

“I...” Buffy lowered her eyes. “I don’t remember much.”

“I see. That’s a shame.” Lorne watched her with interest. “I’ve heard it’s supposed to be quite nice.”

“Nice...” She suddenly didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Guess you could say that.” A pause. “It was peaceful. Quiet.” They started walking again.

“Oh.” Lorne nodded in understanding. “That sounds...” He thought about it for a moment. “...incredibly boring. And no, sweetie, Spike was not in Heaven. When his time comes again, he’ll be heading a little more to the south.”

“Don’t talk like that!” Buffy glared at him, suddenly feeling sick. “He doesn’t deserve to go to Hell. Spike saved the world! And don’t forget about the soul thing. He’s a good man. A...” She swallowed. “A champion.”

“That might be true.” Lorne put his green hand on top of hers, giving it a squeeze. “But the fact remains, cupcake, and please don’t slay me for saying so. Spike and Angel are both still creatures of the night. It doesn’t really matter which side they’re on now, they will still end up down there eventually. Unless...” He stopped himself.

Buffy stared at him with wide eyes. “Unless what?”

“Well, you see, there’s a prophecy...” Lorne sighed. “Look, I shouldn’t even be telling you this much. You’ll have to ask the vamps in question. Sorry.”

Her eyes narrowed, but she didn’t push the matter any further. Instead she just nodded. “All right. I will.” Lorne was clearly relieved. He quickly changed the subject and started talking again, although Buffy wasn’t really paying attention anymore. Her thoughts wandered back to Spike. The blond vampire still loved her; there was no question about that. She only wished...

“He should have told me he was back.” The words were out of her mouth before she realized she had spoken.

Lorne frowned a little and nodded as realization started to hit him. “You’re probably right. It would’ve saved you both some heartache.” Buffy opened her mouth, but he hurried on. “Then again, you can’t really blame the guy for being a little insecure. Especially with Angel around, doing his best to convince him it would be in his best interest to let you go.”

“Yeah...” Buffy’s expression darkened. “Sounds like something Angel would do. For my own good, right?” She let out a bitter laugh.

“Well, sure,” Lorne quickly agreed, but the look in his eyes told her otherwise. And deep down, she understood. Angel wanted her to be happy, sure. But also, he couldn’t stand the thought of her being happy with any vampire that wasn’t him. Especially not with Spike.

“Just do me a favor?” said Lorne. Buffy gave him a questioning look and he continued, “You know in your heart what you want. Don’t take too long to act on it. You deserve some happiness. Both of you.”

Buffy didn’t answer. Once again, her mind was racing. Maybe Lorne was right. But there was something else bothering her as well. She was terrified of losing Spike again, but that was not the only reason why she held back. No, her fears went far deeper than that.

Over the years, Spike had gone through so much to prove himself worthy of her. But that was just the thing. Deep down, she realized that he deserved so much better than her. Maybe he wasn’t the one who was unworthy. All he had ever wanted was for her to give him a chance. And she had rejected him, over and over again, taken his love and thrown it right back in his face.

She was pretty sure Spike didn’t see things that way, though, but still, maybe one day he would. What if some day he would stop and decide that she just wasn’t worth it? And then he would leave her, for good this time. Buffy swallowed, hard. She knew she wasn’t being fair. If that would be the case, it had to be up to him to decide. But the mere thought scared her half to death.

Of course, the right thing to do would be for her and Spike to sit down and have an actual conversation. She needed to put her fears into words and tell him exactly how she felt, or he would think that she still had doubts about the two of them, when in fact, she only doubted herself. The problem was, she had never been good at expressing her inner thoughts and feelings. But it looked like she didn’t have much of a choice.


TBC





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