”You really think this is a good idea?” Fred gestured towards the closed door in front of them, clearly skeptical. Having returned to the hotel again, she and Angel were now standing out in the hallway on the third floor.
Angel threw his hands up in frustration. “I had to do something. We can’t have Rowan running back to the house until we’ve figured out a way for him to kill that damn thing. As long as he’s locked up in there-“ He stopped as a cry of pain could be heard from the other side of the door.
Fred bit her lip. “But the demon won’t stop hurting him. He’s in so much pain, Angel, what do you think Morou’s going to do if Rowan won’t come back? How long do you think the beast will wait before... you know?” She hesitated, not wanting to say the words ‘it kills him’ out loud.
The vampire sighed. “I don’t know, Fred. Since the binding spell worked, maybe there’s some way to restrain the beast from a distance. That should hopefully make him lose his hold on Rowan. We need more time. Wesley’s working on it.”
Rowan screamed again, causing Fred to wince. “What if Rowan doesn’t have much more time?”
The shrill sound of a cell phone saved Angel from having to answer. Quickly reaching into the pocket of his jacket, he flicked the small phone open. “Yes?” He listened for a moment, his expression turning grim. “That’s not good enough. There has to be something...“ A pause. “I know. All right, I’m on my way.” He turned the phone off with a growl and shoved it back into his pocket.
Fred gave Angel a questioning look. “Wesley?”
“Gunn.” Angel sighed again, handing Fred a key. “They’ve got nothing so far. I have to go back to Wolfram and Hart. Would you keep an eye on Rowan?”
“Of course,” Fred assured him. As the vampire turned around to leave, she took a deep breath and unlocked the door, carefully peeking inside. “Rowan?”
The blond man was sitting on the floor, his back against the bed. He raised his head when Fred entered the room. “What?”
Fred’s eyes widened at the sight of him. “You’re bleeding.” She pointed at his face.
Rowan wiped under his nose with the back of his hand, frowning when he saw the blood. “Guess it’s started again.” His face was white as a sheet and he looked like he hadn’t been sleeping for days. As his hand dropped back down, there was a rattling sound, and Fred’s eyes fell on the heavy chain around his wrist.
Seeing her horrified expression, Rowan let out a bitter laugh. “No one’s keeping me chained up against my will, if that’s what you’re worrying about. Was my idea.”
Fred stared at him in disbelief. “Why?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Rowan squeezed his eyes shut and let out a groan as he felt another headache coming up, bracing himself for more pain. Luckily, it was over a moment later and he opened his eyes again, letting out the breath he had been holding.
“Are you okay?” Fred sounded concerned.
Rowan rolled his eyes. “Don’t have to pretend like you care, all right? I know you all hate me. And to answer your question, I chained myself to the bed as a precaution. I’m weak, okay? If the pain gets bad enough, I might not be able to resist heading back to the house, just to make it stop. And we can’t have that.”
“I agree, but...” Fred took a hesitant step towards him. “Rowan, I don’t hate you. Neither does Angel. What you did was bad, but you’re not the first one around here who’s ever made a mistake. Besides, Charles told us how the Senior Partners used you to do their dirty work. They corrupted you.”
The blond snorted. “You make it sound like I’m just an innocent victim in all this. I knew Morou was torturing the other demons, and it didn’t bother me. As far as I was concerned, they deserved whatever they got, just because they were demons. What kind of person does that make me?”
Fred opened her mouth, then closed it again. She realized she had no idea how to respond to that.
~ ~ ~
“Really?” Buffy’s voice was uncertain, yet hopeful. “You’re okay with this?”
Spike hesitated. ‘Okay’ was hardly the word he would use to describe how he felt at that moment. He couldn’t lie to himself; the thought of Buffy willingly offering her blood to him was beyond everything he had ever dared to hope for. And she said she wanted to do this for him, so how could he refuse?
He didn’t think he would ever be able to deny Buffy anything. Still, a part of him dreaded the idea of hurting her in any way, even though Buffy insisted that she was perfectly okay with him feeding from her. That she in fact wanted him to. He found himself wondering what he could possibly have done to deserve such a gift.
There had been a time when he used to dream about drinking her blood, not stopping until her heart was no longer beating. Thinking about it now filled him with shame. He may have a soul now, but that didn’t change the things he had done in the past.
On the other hand, Buffy had obviously forgiven him. Spike had never been much for brooding, and he wasn’t about to start now. Deep down, he knew he would never be truly worthy of her love, and that Buffy deserved so much more than he would ever be able to give her. But he was too selfish to walk away again.
So he nodded. “Yeah, ‘m okay.”
“Great!” Buffy almost started bouncing up and down, although she somehow managed to keep her emotions under control. The irony of it wasn’t lost on her; how she could be so overly excited about the fact that a vampire had just agreed to take her blood. Then again, Spike wasn’t just any vampire.
Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to calm down and act as mature as possible. “So, um, how do you want to do this? Do you want me to...” She bit her lip, remembering what Angel had said about cutting her own wrist. Surely that would be the safest, most responsible way.
So, why did the other way seem so much more appealing? Buffy shook her head, as if to clear it. There was no point in denying – she wanted Spike to drink directly from her neck. She didn’t want to give him blood the same way Angel had; she wanted to do more than that. Not to mention that – for some reason – the idea of Spike biting her felt even more intimate than sex.
He finally responded, quietly, “How do you wanna do it?”
Silently considering his question, Buffy turned her head slightly, watching him for a moment. They were lying close together on the bed, their faces mere inches apart. She felt a pang in her chest, wishing again that he would be able to see her, to look her in the eyes. Hopefully, after feeding from her, Spike wouldn’t be completely blind much longer.
She refused to even consider the fact that his sight might be permanently damaged. Her blood would heal him, he would be okay. She simply had to believe that. “I love you,” she mumbled, suddenly feeling a desperate need to say the words out loud again.
“That’s not...” Spike stopped, just now realizing that Buffy had told him she loved him, twice, and he had yet to say the words back. Suddenly he felt like a real git. Clearly his brain had stopped working. Maybe he could blame it on trauma. After all, he did feel a bit light-headed again. Angel’s blood had helped, but only for the moment. And they were back to the head topic.
He would be an idiot to turn her down now. Although the idea of drinking from Buffy still made him feel cautious, he couldn’t deny that he needed it. They both knew it. “Buffy, I...” he started. Suddenly he felt frustration well up inside him. He’d never had any problems telling Buffy he loved her before.
But somehow, the word ‘love’ suddenly didn’t seem enough to describe how he felt about her. His feelings for Buffy hadn’t changed, but at the same time, it meant so much more to him now. Annoyed with himself for not being able to put his confused emotions into words, he reached out blindly to cup the back of her neck. “Trust me?” he asked, struggling to keep his voice steady.
Buffy responded immediately, without hesitation. “With my life.”
“I love you,” he whispered, unable to come up with a better way to express his feelings. With any luck, she would understand.
“I know.” Her voice was husky. “Please, Spike...” She leaned in even closer, tilting her head slightly to give him access to her neck, silently praying he wouldn’t reject her.
Spike didn’t need to see to realize what she was doing. If he went through with this, there would be no turning back. Should he not be able to stop... But he wouldn’t allow himself to think like that. He had to believe that he was strong enough, that he wouldn’t hurt her. Buffy trusted him. He just needed to trust himself.
He knew Buffy would agree to do this in another way if he asked her. But for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to suggest it. Besides, there was no doubt what she wanted. There were so many things he wanted to tell her at that moment, but no words would come.
Instead he brushed his lips tenderly against her exposed throat, silently offering her a final chance to back down. When Buffy simply slid her arms around his neck, showing no sign of fear or regret, he took a deep, unneeded breath, wordlessly shifting into his demon face, and let his sharp fangs sink into her soft skin.
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
A huge thanks to Mabel Marsters for betaing! Also thanks to cordykitten, shelly, PhotographyNut, IamGhost, guest and TammyAsh666 for reviewing the last chapter!