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Betad by Mabel Marsters - thank you! Also thanks to PhotographyNut, guest, IamGhost, cordykitten and Amaya for reviewing last chapter.
”Spike, wait. We shouldn’t be doing this.” Buffy pulled back a little. Seeing how his face fell, she quickly reached for his hand, squeezing it softly. “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that, well, you’re still hurt. I don’t want you to-“

“’M fine,” he insisted, interrupting her. Buffy remained silent, and for once, he was almost grateful for being blind, not wanting to see the sympathy in her eyes. All of the sudden, he was filled with a desperate need to prove her wrong, to make her see just how capable he was of giving her what she so obviously wanted.

He could smell her arousal and felt guilt and shame washing over him. The thought of Buffy looking at him like he might break, feeling like she had to hold back because of his injuries, made him feel both angry and frustrated. So he ignored her objections and once again captured her lips with his, determined to show her that – although he may be blind – he wasn’t completely incapacitated.

However, his actions turned out to have the opposite effect as Buffy gently but firmly pushed him away. “Spike, stop it. I mean it.” Her words made him freeze, he immediately released her and let his hands drop, suddenly afraid to touch her again.

He cocked his head to the side, trying to figure out what he had done wrong. Buffy didn’t sound angry, nor afraid. So why did she suddenly not want him? If she loved him, why would she reject him now? “Sorry,” he mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut to prevent the tears of humiliation from spilling down his cheeks.

When Buffy didn’t respond, he scooted away from her, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed in an attempt to put some distance between them. A wave of dizziness came over him as he tried to stand, and he let out a frustrated growl. When he felt Buffy’s hand on his shoulder, trying to keep him from getting up, he flinched away from her. “Don’t,” he hissed.

Obviously not the least bit intimidated by his sudden anger, Buffy let out a sigh. “Spike, what are you doing? Just where do you think you’re going?”

“Away,” he grumbled, his fists clenching at his sides.

“I can see that. Why?” Buffy threw her arms up in the air, clearly frustrated as well. “This is ridiculous! Just talk to me. What’s this all about?”

“I’m not... I can’t...” Giving up trying to explain, Spike did another furious attempt of rising from the bed, snarling when Buffy jumped up to catch him before his legs gave out. “Need a fucking shower!” he growled.

She took a deep breath. “Okay. So you want to go to the bathroom. I’ll help you.”

Immediately realizing that he was still too weak to walk more than a few steps by himself, Spike’s frustration only grew and he stubbornly shook his head. “Don’t want any help,” he muttered, horrified when his voice cracked. “Sod this! Just leave me alone.”

Spike knew he was lashing out at Buffy when he was really just angry at himself. She didn’t deserve any of this shit from him. Hit by a sudden wave of exhaustion, he sank to the floor with a choked sob. So much for keeping his dignity.

Buffy dropped to her knees, any anger she may have felt immediately faded at the sight of his dejected form. She bit her lip. “Sweetie, as much as I wish I was, I’m no mind-reader. You need to tell me what’s wrong.”

“What’s wrong? Well, me, obviously,” he spat out, hating how he was unable to keep his voice steady. He was quiet for a moment, struggling to get his emotions under control. “Face it, ’m bloody useless to you like this.”

She stared at him, mouth open. “What the hell are you talking about?” Her eyes widened in disbelief as the reason behind his sudden mood-swing was finally starting to dawn on her. “Is that what this is about? You think I don’t want you?”

Spike let out a bitter laugh, but other than that he remained silent, keeping his head down. “Look at me, dammit!” Buffy exploded, then cringed at her thoughtless choice of words. She took a deep breath, forcing herself to calm down. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking straight. You’re really pissing me off right now, you know that?”

“Nice to hear there’s one thing I‘m still good at,” he muttered sarcastically.

Closing her eyes for a moment, Buffy silently counted to ten. “Are you deliberately trying to make me mad enough to put my foot down and walk away from all this? ‘Cause I’m telling you – although you’re doing a pretty good job – it’s not going to work.”

“Figured as much.” He reluctantly raised his head. “Might be better, though.”

“Better for who?” Buffy stared at him, incredulously. “Seriously, Spike, what part of ‘I love you’ don’t you understand?”

He swallowed. “Love you, too, pet. But what if I’m no good for you?”

“Maybe you should let me be the judge of that.” She shook her head in irritation. “Never thought I’d say this, but right now you’re acting like Angel. Snap out of it!”

Tensing up at her words, Spike let out a snarl, deeply offended. “’M nothing like Angel!”

“That’s what I used to think. Now I’m not so sure.” Buffy rolled her eyes. “I can’t believe we’re having this discussion. Spike, you’re not useless to me. And what happened to ‘I’ll be up and running in no time’?”

He let out a snort. “Running, sure. Into solid objects, since I. Can’t. Bloody. See!”

Buffy’s face softened. “You’re not going to be blind forever.” Seeing how he opened his mouth, she quickly put her fingers over his lips to stop him. “Look, no matter what happens, we’ll deal with it, all right? Just give it some time.”

Spike wanted to believe her, he really did, but the thought of possibly having to spend the rest of his unlife in total darkness absolutely terrified him. For one thing, how was he supposed to fight if he couldn’t see what he was fighting? And that was not even the worst part. Should he stay blind, he would never get to see Buffy’s beautiful face again.

Deep down, he realized he was acting like a jerk, pushing her away like this. Buffy was just trying to help him. Besides, he had been in similar life altering situations before. At first back in Sunnydale when he had gotten that damn chip in his head. He had adapted then, hadn’t he? And then when he had first showed up in LA, unable to touch anything. He had gotten over it.

“You know,” Buffy went on, her tone suddenly light, “if you took some more of my blood-“

“No!” Spike immediately regretted his outburst, horrified that Buffy might think he didn’t appreciate her selfless offer. Reaching out for her blindly, he was beyond grateful that she was still there, within his reach. When he spoke again, his voice was much softer. “Later, all right, if you still want me to. Promise. Just not yet.”

“Okay, but I’m going to hold you to that.” Buffy was quiet for a moment. “Hey, do you still want to take a shower? I can call someone and have them bring you some clean clothes.”

Spike nodded after a brief moment’s hesitation. “Yeah, I’d like that. Buffy, are we...” He inhaled shakily. “We good, luv? Sorry for bein’ a stupid git about this. I just...” Unsure of how to go on, he brought her hand up to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to her palm. “’M sorry,” he repeated, weakly.

“I know. We’re okay. But Spike...” Buffy traced his knuckles with her thumb, choosing her words carefully. “Just so you know, even if you don’t get your sight back, it won’t change anything. Between us, I mean. I’d still love you. I would never think any less of you.”

He nodded again, touched by her words. “Thanks, pet.”

Buffy squeezed his hand, then smiled a little, trying to lighten the mood. “You know, I wouldn’t mind taking a nice, long bath right now. We could save both time and water if we...” She left the rest of the sentence hanging suggestively, holding her breath as she waited for Spike’s reaction.

Spike considered Buffy’s suggestion for a moment. A bath did sound more appealing, especially since he didn’t think he would be able to stand up in the shower long enough to actually manage to clean himself up. He suspected that she had the same thought in mind, just not wanting to make him feel awkward by saying it out loud.

Suddenly he couldn’t help but chuckle. If Buffy was so willing to play nurse, then he would be a fool to turn her down. He decided to push his fears and insecurities to the back of his mind and instead focus on what he could have, if he just stopped feeling sorry for himself. “Sure, luv. Sounds like a plan.”


TBC





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