Rowan had been mentally preparing himself to face Buffy again ever since he had sent Fred away, after insisting he could handle this by himself. She had been reluctant to leave him, which Rowan suspected had more to do with the fact that she didn’t fully trust him, and less to do with concern for his wellbeing. If that was the case, he supposed he couldn’t really blame her.
In fact, he was surprised Fred had agreed to let him out of her sight at all. Maybe she was on the phone right now, talking to Angel. The more he thought about it, the more convinced he became. He took a deep breath, and finally met Buffy’s suspicious eyes. “I’m not here to cause any trouble. I just need to talk to Spike for a moment. It’s important.”
“Why?” She immediately demanded, refusing to step out of the way and let him past. Rowan held back a sigh. It wasn’t like he had expected Buffy to welcome him back with open arms, and he figured he should just be grateful that she hadn’t punched him in the face again, the moment she had spotted him. The problem was, he didn’t think he had much time.
“Just let me in, and I’ll explain everything. Please?” Rowan tried to keep the impatience out of his voice. He was fully prepared to grovel, but he worried that another attack of nauseating pain would knock him out before he got the chance to speak. It had been quiet for a while now, and he feared the worst had yet to come.
“Let him in, pet.”
Buffy glanced over her shoulder as Spike spoke from inside the room and Rowan found himself holding his breath. Then she turned back to him and watched him with hesitation, obviously unsure of what to do. Finally she rolled her eyes and took a step back. “Fine. You can come in. Just remember, I won’t hesitate to kick your ass if I have to.”
“Yeah, I’ll remember that,” Rowan mumbled as he entered the room. Closing the door behind him, Buffy pulled out her cellphone from her pocket, and his eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Who are you calling?”
“Angel asked me to come down to the office. I’m calling him to let him know I won’t be there,” she told him, her voice cold. Rowan nodded in acceptance. Chances were that Angel was already on his way back to the hotel, anyway.
“You should go, luv. I can handle this.”
Buffy stared at Spike in disbelief. “If you think for one second that I’m leaving you alone with him-“
“Buffy.” Spike interrupted her, calmly. “Really, ‘s okay, pet. Go help Angel. I wanna hear what Rowan has to say.”
Rowan saw how she opened her mouth to object, then closed it again, clearly torn. He could understand, all too well, how she was feeling. It was obvious how she wanted to respect Spike’s wishes, but at the same time, she didn’t feel comfortable leaving him now.
He was about to say something, assure her that he was no threat to Spike in any way, but decided to keep his mouth shut and let her come to that conclusion by herself. So he remained quiet, watching Buffy’s pained expression as she silently considered her options.
Finally she nodded. “All right, it’s your decision.” Then she turned to Rowan, a warning note in her voice, “Just because he can’t see doesn’t mean he can’t hurt you.” With that she walked over to Spike, slid an arm around his waist, and pressed her lips softly against his before striding out of the room. Rowan gulped, suddenly feeling uneasy.
He glanced at Spike, who was sitting on the couch and facing his direction expectantly, and cleared his throat. “You’re looking better.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he realized that ‘better’ was an understatement. Recalling the vampire’s condition when they had first rescued him from the basement, trashed and beaten almost beyond recognition, Rowan couldn’t help but stare in astonishment.
“That why you’re here? To compliment my appearance?”
Rowan sighed, taking the hint – Spike wasn’t interested in making small talk. He shook his head before remembering that the vampire couldn’t see him. “No. I was just trying to be polite.” Spike snorted, but otherwise remained silent. “Look, I don’t know how much you’ve heard. About my past. Anyone fill you in on...” he swallowed, “how it all started?”
“How what all started?” Spike asked in a flat voice, and Rowan found himself looking straight into Spike’s unseeing eyes, unable to look away. A memory that wasn’t his own flashed through his mind, and he suddenly recalled the terror he had felt in his vision when Morou had splashed the holy water at his face.
“How I got myself into this mess.” Rowan wrung his hands, wondering if Spike would even want to hear him out. “It’s a long story, actually, and it’s not pretty. I’ll tell you everything, if you wanna hear it. But first, there’s something I need to ask you.” Spike remained silent, so he went on, “The beast, down in the basement... Morou. I need to know how to kill him.”
“You’re asking me?” Spike let out a bitter laugh. “If I knew that, don’t you think I’d offed the bastard instead of letting him use me as his own personal punching bag?”
“Actually, I’m the only one who can take him out, apparently.” Rowan rolled his eyes. “Again, long story. Turns out the Senior Partners are involved. Morou’s their way of eliminating the demons they wanna get rid of. Using me as a servant...” He cringed. “Since he obviously can’t go out and get his victims by himself. No idea why.”
Seeing Spike open his mouth, Rowan hurried on, “I fooled myself into thinking I was doing the right thing, that the demons I chose were evil and only got what they deserved. Now I realize I never had any say in the matter. The Senior Partners were the ones who picked out the demons, not me.”
“Isn’t that bloody convenient?” Spike muttered, sarcastically. “What are you saying? That you’re an innocent victim in all this?”
Rowan started pacing the room, searching for the right words to explain. “After everything that’s happened, I hardly feel like I have the right to call myself innocent. I may have merely acted as a fucking puppet for the Senior Partners, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m partly responsible. Still, I don’t think I ever really had a choice.”
Spike was quiet for a moment, allowing Rowan’s words to sink in. “So what? Now you’ve suddenly decided you’ve had enough?”
Rowan shook his head. “I’ve wanted out of this for a long time now. I just didn’t know how.” He lowered his eyes. “I know I should’ve told someone, but the truth is, I was ashamed of my part in the whole thing. I let it go too far, and I didn’t realize I had no control of the situation until it was already too late. I’m sorry you had to get involved, I wish you’d never gone to my house that day.”
“Makes two of us, then.” Spike hesitated a little. “Look, Rowan, I get that you’re sorry, and I know what it’s like to feel remorse for things you’ve done when you haven’t really been in control. So if you want my sympathy-“
“I don’t.” Rowan quickly cut him off. “I just hope that, someday, you’ll be able to forgive me.”
The vampire nodded, slowly. “Right. Maybe someday.”
Letting out the breath he had been holding, suddenly feeling almost relieved, Rowan nodded as well. “Okay. Look, I won’t bother you much longer, but I need to know if you remember something, anything, that might help me destroy Morou. I know he must have some weakness, and I hope he might’ve let it slip out.”
Spike shook his head. “Dunno. Sorry.”
The blond man closed his eyes for a moment, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice. “Are you absolutely sure? Please, Spike, I need you to think really hard.” When Spike merely shrugged, helplessly, Rowan let out a defeated sigh. “All right. It was a long shot.”
He was just about to leave the room when the pain hit him, causing him to drop to his knees. “Oh God!”
“Rowan?” Spike sat up straight on the couch. “What’s wrong?”
“My head,” Rowan groaned. “Morou’s calling for me again, and he won’t stop until he gets what he wants. Fuck, it hurts!” He clenched his teeth, struggling to keep the panic away. “I can’t go back there yet, not until I’ve figured out a way to kill him.”
“You can hear him?” Spike asked, skeptically.
Rowan took a couple of shaky breaths. “Not exactly. It’s more like a feeling. He gets into my head, it doesn’t matter how far away I am. It’s horrible, feels like my fucking brain’s on fire, like I’m burning up from the inside. And it just won’t stop.”
Spike froze as Rowan’s words made something click at the back of his mind, only he couldn’t quite grasp it. Frustration welled up inside him, because he got the feeling that whatever it was, it was very important. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. “What did you just say?”
“It won’t stop.” Rowan pressed his fingers against his temples, breathing hard. He sounded beyond tired all of the sudden.
“No, not that. Something about...” Spike let out a frustrated growl. “Bloody hell! I know this. Why can’t I remember?”
Running his trembling fingers absently through his hair, Rowan tried to recall what he could possibly have said that had triggered the vampire’s memory. “Um, pain? Morou getting into my head?” A humorless laugh escaped him. “Burning up from inside?”
”Talk! What does it take to kill a vampire?”
Spike glared at him, wanting nothing more than to tear the demon apart with his bare hands. “Stake through the heart. Direct sunlight. Decapitation.”
“Ah, yes.” Morou nodded in agreement. “And let’s not forget...
“That’s it,” Spike mumbled, hearing the sadistic demon’s voice in his head, just as clear had he been back in the basement, and he couldn’t help but shudder. “Fire.”
TBC
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Still struggling with writers block, but I've managed to almost finish chapter 34, so I decided to post this one. I was ready to give up on this fic, but then I re-read some of the reviews I've received for the story so far and realized that there are people out there who would be disappointed if I'd just leave the story hanging. To those of you still with me and letting me know - you're the reason I'm gonna try to finish this story after all. guest, shelly, cordykitten, TammyAsh666, Amaya, IamGhost and PhotographyNut - thank you so much for your lovely comments! Also a huge thanks to my great beta Mabel Marsters! Hopefully I'll be able to send you the next chap in a few hours. :)